Catholic School, Sports Teams, and Fresh Starts

[JustALonelyKid]

Hey, I’m a trans guy who started a new year in high school this September. However I go to a coed Catholic high school, which is quite difficult. At the beginning of the summer, my mother and I met with the school’s head of guidance to work out some things about my transition. While there, I asked pretty basic questions regarding my transition (bathroom/locker room situation, name/pronoun changes, and P.E. and sports questions). I also live in an area that doesn’t discriminate against transgender students regarding the law. The answer to changing my name and pronouns was that I could not go by male pronouns for “legal reasons”, but my preferred name could be listed as a nickname in parentheses on the rosters and attendance sheets and would be used at each of my teacher’s discretion. I personally refused to use the girl’s facilities so I have to go to the guidance wing or a secluded, neutral, single stall bathroom if I need to use the restroom or to change for P.E. It’s not the most convenient place, since both the guidance wing and the secluded bathroom are within 20 feet of one another and all the way on the other side of the school building than the class I have prior to P.E. It also doesn’t help that after I sprint across the school, get changed, and sprint to the gym all within five minutes, the gym doors are always locked so I have to wait until someone realizes I’m missing from the class to let me in. The kids are usually jerks about it and like to quickly open the door and shut it before I can get in. P.E. is coed, which is quite a relief for me. However, sports isn’t an option. As a kid who played basketball for six years, I’m feeling quite left out when it comes to sports. I’m unable to join any of the guys teams, unless it’s like football where there aren’t enough girls to make up a girl’s team. Even so, I’d be unable to change in locker rooms at away games and could be forced to use the girl’s locker room. I’m able to join any girl’s sports team as my mother suggests because she thinks I’m afraid of what people will think. She doesn’t understand that it’s not that I’m afraid of what people will think, but that I feel genuinely uncomfortable playing for a girl’s team. My last year of playing basketball, I would break down after every game because I hated being on a girl’s team. I wouldn’t quit because after being in the program for so long, my mom had made some really good friends and I didn’t want to ruin that for her (even though she probably wouldn’t believe me if I told her that). All of my friends who never practiced a sport in their life are now trying out and on teams. I have three friends who have never played sports join track and another join volleyball. My brother (who goes to a public school) is even playing lacrosse in the spring, something I was really looking forward to and brought up with guidance but was shut down. Competition with my brother is another story, but I’m more focused on my own problems. Anyway, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so unable to do anything about this. Because I live in a place where trans public school kids can play on teams correlating to just their identity, I could play for the town lacrosse team, but I don’t go to school with any of them and in my town, if you don’t go to the town school, the kids hate you. Also, with the whole situation of Trump trying to erase us trans people out of America, I doubt the laws will stay in tact long enough for me to even fight my school on this issue on the locker rooms and lacrosse situation. These problems have made me feel so isolated and helpless that oncoming anxiety attacks and breakdowns are a daily occurrence for me. Anyone out there who is going through anything similar or can at least give me some ideas as to how I can cope with or fix my issues, that’d be amazing. I just need anyone to help me feel like I’m not so helpless. Not so alone.

[Jani]

Hello JaL Kid.  I'm glad you shared your story with us.  Thanks!  I believe NJ is a pretty decent place to transition and that your school is working the best they can.  Unfortunately "rights" can be a funny thing, so the school must balance yours with those of the other students.  
 

Concerning getting into the gym, as everyone knows teens can be mean.  Maybe you could speak with the teacher to make some arrangements to keep the door open.  I understand your trepidation about playing on a girls sports team, as its just not what you're about.  I don't think you're afraid of what others would think, but that maybe you wouldn't be taken seriously about your transition?   The good news is after HS, you'll probably never see any of these people again.  

 

There are lots of costs to transition as well as benefits.  One of the costs you are experiencing is that you have limited access to the sports teams you want to play on.  Hang in there.  When you go to college, you can pick a school with a more open mind about this.  Have you tried playing on one of the town teams?   Are you sure about their reaction to other students?  You might be surprised.  

 

I'm sorry to hear you feel isolated but look at the benefits of transition.  You get to be who you are, and it seems that your parents are supporting you the best they can.   Do you have a therapist or support group to attend?  In my area I know of at least three teen groups.  

 

All my best to you, 

Jani

[DrumbeatAlex]

Hey,

 

sounds like things aren't going as smoothly as you might hope. ? Having to compromise on these things can be really tough and missing out on sports must be hard.  

 

Are your teachers using your preferred name? I'm not sure what "legal reasons" means but if you absolutely can't use "he/him" pronouns, you could still maybe ask your teachers to avoid using "she/her" ones (you could even maybe ask them to use "They/them" pronouns if you'd prefer that to "she/her" ones). It depends how close you are with your teachers and whether you think they would be understanding, but talking to them about why your preferred name (if they aren't already using it) and not using "she/her" pronouns is important to you, might help.

 

As for the PE door thing, that sounds like the kids are just being mean.  I agree with Jani, talk to a teacher about it. Leaving the door open (and getting kids in trouble for shutting it without permission) is something the teachers can probably help with. Alternatively, you could see if there is somewhere closer to PE where you could get changed. For example a teachers bathroom or a sports storeroom? idk. 

 

Trying the public sports could be a good idea (if you haven't already). If you're really worried about not fitting in with the other kids, you could try to convince a friend to join with you, that way you won't be doing it alone (but you don't want this from stopping you trying to socialise with the rest of the team).

Alternatively, maybe try the mixed teams at your school. Could you arrive at the away games already changed? (thus not needing a change room). If there aren't many girls on the team, maybe you can change how you think about the "girls" locker room and try to just see it as Your locker room. It might actually feel good to get in around the other guys in a sports team.

 

I know its difficult.  but you are definitely not alone in these struggles. Many people experience issues at highschool with bathrooms or bullying. I've had struggles with sports teams; either playing on a "mixed" team where i was the only "girl" and getting singled out ("Okay boys..and my name...good work" or "i don't want to tackle a giiirrlll") or playing on a womens team and being misgendered ("okay girls, lets go!). I really hope some of the suggestions you get on here are helpful. Being trans isn't all bad, and once you get through some of these hurdles it will get easier. We're always here if you need advice or just to chat or vent.

Let us know what happens 

 

-Alex

 

PS. sorry for the long response, I hope at least some of it can help. ?