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How to handle this

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I need to ask for advice. Recently my wife and I had our child to tell us that she is transgender. I have no idea how to handle this. I love our child and my wife but I have no idea how to handle this. She has always been a bit of a tomboy and I am ok with that. She also has dated boys and really liked one in the last year. He broke up with her and it hit her hard. Now she is telling us she has been like this for all her life. Don't get me wrong I have always thought the lesbian/gay,etc have been treated badly but I cannot relate to the group. I have never had feelings like this and am only attracted to the opposite sex, namely my wife as we have been married for a few decades. I had friends all through my life who were of a alternatve lifestyle as it use to be called but now it hits home I have no idea how to deal with it. At this point I feel like I am to blame. I wish she had been more open. To think of all the pain she went through it hurts me she waited so long to tell us. I am at the point I have no idea who to deal with it. The funny thing is we raised her to accept others and she believes in God. No I am not so sure about if there is even a god. At this point I have lost all hope. Personally at my age I am fine with dying if it means I would hurt her and I no longer care if I wake up the next day if it means I would hurt her. My question is how to deal with this. I am hurt and tired. I had a bad childhood myself and my wife and child are my world anymore. I am afraid I will hurt her or my wife as I have no idea how  to deal with this. I prefer to just pass away if I would hurt them. Anyway what can one do. I am at a loss.

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 Love and support him. And communicate with him. Your daughter will still be the same person that you have always loved and cared for.  That shouldn’t change just because she is now he. Therapy can be a great way to get help for everyone in the family too. 

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First and foremost, there is no blame for you and no shame for your family.  This is not a tragedy, it is the beginning of a new and wonderful adventure for all of you if you let it be that way.  Where you live, it may be a little harder than it would be elsewhere, but you are doing the right thing by coming here.  Your SON needs his father, so dying would be totally the wrong thing.  What you secretly dreamed about having a son when your child was born can now come true. I would look up the nearest chapter of PFLAG to you as one resource that is currently doing a wonderful job of helping parents of Trans children:




Your son actually appreciated how well you took care of them as a daughter that he tried to be the daughter you thought was there for reasons that are not your fault at all but his love for you.  None of us as parents, (and I am one) begins parenthood thinking and dreaming our child will have something like this in their life, but children try so hard to love their parents that they worry about hurting the parents, they want to do what pleases you, and at last they have to be themselves though.  Once again, you have done nothing wrong at all.  You have all the more reason to be in your Son's life. 


I work with Trans Children, and have a Trans God-daughter and am an honorary (aunt ) to a couple of more Trans children, all of whom are really the happiest and most loving young people, and who fulfill dreams of their parents as well.


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Susan R

Hello wxyzintn,  I agree with everything Vicky and Kirsten stated above.  Love, understanding and support are what your child needs right now.  You are not the cause of this and this could change over time..though unlikely.  No one but your child can make that decision.  Many of us here have wondered our entire lives about such things.  It's a long process but more than likely this will always be a part of your child's life in some form or another.  It's part of who they are.

I can relate to your situation a little as something like this happened to my wife and I back in 2001. Our eldest daughter invited my wife and I over for dinner at her new apartment in Seattle.  We met her and her live-in girlfriend.  We had no idea she was bi let alone living together with her girlfriend.  Yes, there was some shock as we were not informed in any way while she was living at home.  There had been no signs at all.  She had always dated boys.  We still gave her all the love, understanding, and support as we always did.  My wife and my daughter eventually went to therapy together and everything was worked out and went very well for both but it took time...about a year, if I remember correctly.  My wife had more difficulty with it than myself due to my personal secrets at the time.  My daughter stayed in this relationship for 3 years.  When it ended, she went back to dating men and was married a few years later.

There are no guarantees in life but we have to support our children no matter what they look like and no matter who they want to be with in this life.  They need to be themselves.  Whatever you do, don't blame yourself or anyone else.  Your child did not choose to have this difficulty.  Life is  complex and sometimes our path has many unanticipated turns along the way.


Susan R🌷



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It totally understandable that you cannot relate to people who are L, G, B, or T.   That's because you're cis-gender and you never question this aspect of your being.  


Your child has not been more open probably because of fear of hurting you, and they probably lacked the ability verbalize it in a manner that would be understood (this took me forever).   But they've come out and have spoken to you.  That was brave of them and it means they love and trust you.  


Open a line of dialogue (not an inquiry!) where they are comfortable talking to you about their feelings.   I would recommend setting up an appointment with a gender therapist.  Despite my lifelong aversion to the idea of therapy, I found it was the best thing I could have done to help me sort through my feelings. 


1 hour ago, wxyzintn said:

The funny thing is we raised her to accept others and she believes in God. No I am not so sure about if there is even a god. At this point I have lost all hope.

Being a transgender person and believing in God are not mutually exclusive!  Just as in the fully society, there are a large number of believers in the LGBT community.   Some have reached deep for their faith to help them understand and cope.   Do not despair!  Do not lose hope and don't stop believing.  


Give your son a hug and tell them you love them, and that you as parents will be there for him through it all.  


Peace, Jani

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3 hours ago, wxyzintn said:

The funny thing is we raised her to accept others and she believes in God.


I overlooked this in my earlier post and meant to comment on it.


Transgender people are very spiritual and we have almost a special relationship with our Higher Powers in many ways, we are Christian Priests and Ministers in a wide variety of ACCEPTING denominations, and a large number of us practice other spiritual belief systems, and some of us bridge multiple spiritual pathways.  I am very active in my denomination and take part at regional and national events where I am held with both love and esteem.  I frequently find myself telling people that I honestly believe that Trans people have spiritual gifts that we need to share with other people.  We were made to give others a challenge in their beliefs to see the Highest Power in a wider and more awesome way than most people ever do.

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I agree with all that has been said and would add that you are very lucky that your son trusts you and loves you enough to shared this news with you. You need to be there to support him even if you are having trouble understanding the situation. Bottom line, assure him that you love him unconditionally, will support him totally and tell him that he will always have a safe place when things get rough.


I have recently joined a church that is very inclusive to the LGBTQ community. I am getting involved with a program entitled "Her Voice Matters" and after talking with the associate pastor, who btw has a trans-son, we are planning on working on helping people understand transgender people and how to be allies, in addition with speaking out on behalf of women who are battered, abused and raped.


I wish the best for you, your wife and son,




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