Susan R's Bio (Full Version)

[Susan R]

This is a much expanded introduction or bio.  It gives a little more detail as to my life and my life choices.

I was raised in a strict conservative Catholic family.  My Dad couldn't have children after a bout with shingles in 1957 so my parents adopted 5 children after having one themselves before the illness.  I have always been a little different than the rest of my family and I first want to explain why so you understand some of my life decisions later in the bio.

 

I have always had a very strong need for human touch.  I've never had a relationship with another person that I've felt fulfilled with enough touch.  My wife unfortunately hates touch.  I've worked with a therapist this past year regarding my intense need for touch.  After delving into this topic over the years, it likely started right after birth.  I had been adopted and left in an orphanage for 6 weeks before being adopted.  My adoptive parents went to pick up thier newly adopted baby (not me).  It was so sick it had been taken the night before to the hospital. Long story short, my "soon to be" adoptive parents were devastated as they drove 3 hours to pick up that sick baby they couldn't have.

 

The Catholic Adoption Services told them about another baby...me.  They saw me and saw the poor condition I was in. My nails were extremely long (maybe that's why I have a nail fetish..but I digress), my body was filthy with a rash covering my legs, arms and stomach and I hadn't been changed in awhile and covered in spit-up.  They looked at me and decided if they didn't take me I'd end up like the other child or worse...I'd never find a home.  So my therapist suggested, it was this lack of touch during my first 6 weeks of life that may have caused this intense need for touch.

 

At around age 4, I knew I wanted to be like my two older sisters (then 7 & 11 yrs old) from a very young age.  They played with me and treated me like I was a girl.  I especially loved the feel to touch and the softness of their clothes.  They dressed me up and made me the center of attention.  I loved everything about it.  They eventually stopped dressing me so I started going into their room and doing it myself.  I'm sure I didn't do as well at putting together outfits but I was happy.  I wasn't ashamed at all.  I went downstairs to show mom and I was told not to express myself in that way ever again.  That's just how it was back in 1966.  I did as I was asked until shortly before puberty.  I never questioned it until I started having those "new" feelings we get at about this time.  I didn’t know why but my yearning to be a girl intensified and I started crossdressing underneath my boy's clothes.  I didn't really understand at all what was happening to me.  Though, because of those early warnings, I knew to hide it.  There was no internet and library’s had nothing on the subject at the time (I’m 56).

 

So one day, I met a 20 year old man who lived close by who quickly befriended me, everything was great.  I had no problem with the age difference.  We were just friends.  I thought nothing of it at 13 years old.  I'd ride my bike over to his house and we'd play on this new (I think it was a Magnavox) video game console he had just bought.  We would play for hours.  On one occasion he suddenly started massaging my back.  I thought it was a little odd but I have always been "touch deprived" so I let him continue.  It felt so nice to be wanted like that.  Plus, it really felt good.  This situation continued for a weeks and seemed harmless as it was just a massage...nothing more.  

 

While that was going on I had other seemingly unrelated issues at home.  As a teenager, I had been caught dressed once by two of my sisters on 2 separate occasions, my mother found ladies clothing once in my bedroom closet and my father got a possible glimpse of me in a ladies nightgown.  I was briefly confronted by each (except my father) but I denied the obvious truth right to their face.  I was in denial of the truth but they never mentioned it again.

 

Then one day while still living at home, I went over to hang out with my "man friend" and this particular evening he touched me very differently.  It had an affect on me in an incredibly powerful way.  It progressed over the years and I never knew if it would end.  I only had a relationship with him during this time when I was in junior high and high school.  I sometimes regret passing up dating girls until late my senior year of HS when I met my first girlfriend.  I felt it was cheating and hid it from him.  I felt my relationship with this man had become consensual even though I was still a minor.  I was eventually found out only by my brother (1yr younger) when I was 17.  He never revealed my secret through his entire life.  He had no judgement or negativity.  He accepted me as me.  I still wasn't sure if I was gay...I know that sounds absolutely crazy but I thought maybe because I had been groomed slowly that just maybe I really didn't like men, maybe if this hadn't happened I'd only like women.

 

So at this point at age 23, I decided to find out by asking myself...am I a gay man who just happens to like to dress as a women or are they related.  I called a girlfriend of mine who knew I crossdressed.  She hooked me up with an attractive gay man she had told about my crossdressing.  We went out and had a wonderful time.  Needless to say, after this experience with him, I knew then I was female...completely..at least inside.  I had to be.

 

Shortly after this experience though, I fought long and hard with myself to resist my new belief that I'm a woman and did a another of a long list of small purges.  I did start to date women and began to work out.  It wasn't long before I again thinking about men and becoming a woman.  I was struggling day and night and again started slowly restocking my closet.  I needed to learn more about this.  Why is this repeating over and over.  It wasn't going away easily.  It was 1985 and I decided to get some help and maybe meet some new friends who are also struggling.  I attended my first TS/TV meeting in Seattle.  I showed up dressed to the nines in new clothes and makeup with the help of my girlfriends.  They helped me tremendously.  This was my first time in public fully dressed as a women.  I was scared to death but in heaven all at once.  I met my "soon to be" roommate at my first meeting. (S)he was there actively looking for answers too and thought (s)he might be Transexual.  I knew my feelings inside but thought I'd keep an open mind not to label myself yet. The facilitator asked each of us to introduce ourselves and say a little something about our journey if we felt comfortable doing so.  They came around to me and I said, "Hi, I'm Susan and I'm still trying to decide who I am."  I gave some additional background and that was that.  It was so wonderful and the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

 

I soon moved into a new place with my "soon to be" transitioning TS roommate and we dressed every night until the next day at work.  We shopped and then we shopped more.  It was a brave time for me.  It was wonderful.  We always went to Seattle to be around others in an area called Broadway which has always been LBGTQ accepting even before that term existed.  I spent a lot of evenings in that area and it made me feel like I was becoming a real woman.  This went on for years until my roommate completed SRS surgery and found a new job and eventually relocated to Portland, Ore.  I got my own place and made many changes of my own.  I continued to be Susan every night after work until work the next day.  Unfortunately, I became more of an introvert and recluse over a period of years and eventually felt I needed new friends closer to home.  I became involved in a local church that I thought might bring me some wisdom and knowledge regarding my situation.  I could not find a single opportunity to ever share my story.  I became so involved in church I had lost perspective on why I was there.  I lived two completely contradictory lives and it was hurting me deeply inside.

 

I finally decided I was going to change my life once and for all.  I meant it this time.  I thought I had the power to make a change with nothing but a little hope and will power.  I spent the better part of a day getting boxes and packing up every last relic from my female life.  Everything had to go.  I had years of beautiful dresses, skirts, blouses, jeans, 100's of bras, an entire dresser of panties (no idea how many), outerwear, innerwear, nylons & stockings, coats, 2 wigs, breast forms of every size and material, beautiful jewelry, makeup, pictures & momentos (this still hurts me to think about even today), and the list goes on and on.  I only kept a few pairs of conservative unisex style ladies undies because frankly I had no men's undies.  It all got delivered to my local Goodwill.

 

So now I figured, out of sight, out of mind.  I could now live as a man and find myself a wife and start a family.  It wasn't soon after this I found my wife online back at the height of IRC (internet relay chat).  My online girlfriend eventually relocated to Seattle in early 1997 with her 3 girls and we started dating in real life.  She worked for me until she found a job within her career field.  We were married in late 1998.

 

Everything was normal.  I had seemingly left my previous life behind.  Not even my wife knew anything at all about my previous hidden life.  I did hide it well.  I never bought ladies clothes so I never dressed.  Over the 21 years together, there was only one incident regarding those few ladies undies I kept after the "Big Purge" that might have raised an eye brow or two.  That incident came and went and nothing really came of it.

 

My wife's 3 daughters grew up and now they call me “Dad”.  I'm the only real Dad figure they have in thier lives.  I did what was expected and continued to play Dad.  I truly enjoy this part of being a man.  My girls are all married in their 30’s now and my wife and I are now empty nesters.  I had a lot of time to think about my life.  I continued to do what was expected as a husband but even that became mundane to some degree.

 

Fast forward to late 2017, after much thought and deliberation, I decided to get some real help.  I made a decision to get a therapist via referral from my old group in Seattle who was and still is very helpful.  That therapy helped me look over my life and determine what I want and need.  I have made the decision to transition into a woman.  Something I should have done many years earlier.  However, I would have missed many memories, experiences and blessings during those “straight” years.  I have only come out partially to my wife and one other sibling as of this writing. My wife is somewhat accepting but reluctant and does not approve of my taking female hormones.  Tomorrow is the beginning of my 12th week on female hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  I still have no doubts that I’m on the right path for my life.  I was lucky to find incredible support here with my transition as my journey is just beginning.  I thank you all for your understanding and non-judgmental advice and relationships.

 

Susan R?

 

[DeeDee]

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself Susan. It is definitely the right path if you have no doubts, I am sure that you will make plenty of new experiences to treasure too. x

[Cyndee]

That's great you've found the right counselor Susan, and yes know the Broadway area (up on the "hill") well , one of my favorite stores near there, has to be "2 Big Blondes" consignment store there on Jackson st, hee hee, I've found bargains in there over the years, and they always treated me and my friends so well.

 

I am glad to read this web site has helped you Susan, we do share quite a bit of the journey here, and offer peer support online. Which was very valuable for me when starting transition.

 

Best wishes to you and your family situation as the changes unfold.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -