Relationship woes and advice

[tgpuppie]

Hey, new guy here. Well new to the site, I started my transition journey 15 years ago. I'm here now because I'm stuck in emotional turmoil and I don't think anyone else would understand or be able to offer viable advice or points of view. 

 

 

To make a very long story as short as I can....I found out several months ago that my girlfriend cheated on me the whole time we were together. She had to "mourn the loss of dick" and was also not sure if she could be committed to a transgendered person...although we had the exclusive talk early on and several times thereafter because you should always trust your gut...I knew she was up to no good...

 

I tried dating others after, but none were willing to date me once they knew. Story of my life, I'd be a great catch if I only had a fully functioning dick! Totally does not affect my self esteem, or self worth...I'm fine. 

 

When I did start dating it sparked a fire under the girlfriend to get her -crap- together or she would lose me. One guy she cheated on me with was an ex...or what I was told was one. He lived out of state...but after a month of dating her he came "home" for a visit and did several times throughout the year. Including taking her on vacation...

 

She continued talking to him even after I was told she told him they were done she was dating me he flew into town to take her out anyway. She was hours away visiting family and he thought he'd talk her into coming home sooner. She didn't. Only know that because she snapchatted me from her friends the whole weekend. After that incident I said he was gone gone or I was...she then just found ways and apps to hide them talking since the trust was broken so has been my will power to not invade her privacy and snoop....

 

After months of yelling and screaming and fighting over all of it l decided to try and make it work if he was no longer in the picture completely. Thanks to the broken trust I kept snooping through her phone...while she was chasing after me saying she couldn't be without me...she was sending him the same messages...

 

She even claimed one conversation was because he was moving out of the country...his fb shows he moved to a different city. Basically this woman does not know how to not lie to me. She's used methods of hiding that she's talking to him...she claims there is NO contact. 

 

Here is my issue...I wasn't the "you can't talk to so and so" guy...til now...this guy asked my girlfriend for explicit snap chats...she finally admitted they had phone sex...and I'm for certain one of his visits they had sex cause there was a condom when he flew in and there was not one when he left...she says they didn't. But she is a liar...so...

 

It eats at me that she's doing it anyway still talking to him and making a mockery of my feelings and wishes..is this what I get now?? I have to somehow "get over" this betrayal because now she's on board, and why start over with someone else?? Literally what she said, she is on board now why start over with someone. I really thought I could. I try and stay focused on where we are now...we are talking about moving in together...but this friendship with this guy...do I just accept it?? Let them be friends?? I got heated...her birthday was coming and I just knew he would reach out...so I emailed him. Told him that I wasn't some control freak that he needed to worry about her...I told him her and I were trying to build a life and to do that the guys she cheated on me with had to be out of the picture. I was then super petty and told him about the other 2 I know for sure...that were around before me...and 1 of them was around from before him! I did a LOT of snooping...I'm not proud, but people lie, their phones don't....

 

No response from him...I assume he reached out to her but no point in asking her she'll lie. As far as I know she doesn't know I did it...but I feel if he did she lied to him and said I made it up or read into the messages she wasn't cheating on him...she told her cousin I made it up too by reading into messages, nothing was going on. She says I've isolated her from her friends, but I feel as if that is actually her doing by lying to everyone. I did try to date a friend of mine after her so she told her friends I had cheated on her for months with her...meanwhile none of them know the truth. Only me. Cause of technology. That friend fizzled fast, nothing happened cause she couldn't handle the thought. I was cool still being friends, that's why we gave it a shot cause we were such good friends...that is not always the case lol

 

So again...I'm stuck trying to accept my life now. With someone who cheated on me on every level. Emotionally and physically. She told me she wasn't "into me" until we had been together for 11 months...how crazy that happens to be the same time she said she stopped seeing everyone else...she lied about every aspect of her relationships with multiple men. She has admitted to cheating on everyone she was been with...she tried to say she didn't cheat on me cause she didn't know if she could commit to a life with a trans person so she didn't think we were "official". We had MULTIPLE CONVERSATIONS about that very subject...she is a cheater. 

 

So how do I accept her and get past this all while she still wants to remain friends with this guy out of state?? I guess it's his journey if he wants to be friends with his cheating ex...just like its apparently my journey to take her back...

 

Thoughts??

[DeeDee]

tgpuppie - I cannot tell you what to do as you will follow your heart regardless of any advice you get x but your description does not sound like a healthy relationship! You are not a door mat. The prospect of being on your own may be scary but it is better than just being used by someone who has already left you in all the important ways bar moving out.  You are not stuck, staying because it is what you know will not change anything, you have said yourself this is a repeating pattern - if someone else wrote this here and you saw it what advice would you give them?

[JJ]

My advice is to see a counselor or therapist and work through your feelings on this.

You know who this woman is and you know that she isn't trustworthy or likely to change and yet you are looking at not only continuing the relationship but intensifying it by moving in together. 

The question isn't about her really. But about why you are in a relationship that makes you feel bad and engage in behaviors it sounds like you are ashamed of. What are you getting out of this?

The only honest relationship that would work here would be an open one where each partner is free to have outside relationships too. My bet is she gets off on the guilt and sneaking and wouldn't want a truly open relationship. And it doesn't sound like you could accept it either.

So why are you continuing this relationship? Not a condemnation but an honest question. It's a negative pattern and I think a therapist can help break it and help you move on to something more fulfilling.

Johnny

[Jani]

6 hours ago, tgpuppie said:

So how do I accept her and get past this...

I agree with JJ that you can see how this woman truly is and she is unlikely to change.  My question is, why do you still want to accept her?  Don't be a glutton for punishment!  Find someone to love that loves you.  It is possible.  In the meantime I recommend therapy as well.  

 

Welcome to the forum. 

Jani

[Briana]

Hi and welcome to the forum.  Honestly, I say run...and run fast.  She will be a serial cheater all the rest of her life.  Regardless of what she says, she'll continue this pattern of behavior regardless of who she's with.  If you haven't moved in together yet, don't.  It's one more complication you don't need.

 

JJ and Jani asked some very pertinent questions and the recommendation for some help from therapy is a great one.  Just don't waste anymore of you time and energy on this toxic person. 

[Leo]

4 hours ago, JJ said:

So why are you continuing this relationship? 

My thoughts are that you are getting a lot out of this relationship. Toxicity can be powerfully addicting.  However, like any drug it can ultimately destroy you. Therapy can be a lifeline out of this relationship. 

[tgpuppie]

I keep tryin to write up a reply and it all sounds like garbage. I find myself just looking at myself in the mirror or staring off into space and wondering if when she looks at me she thinks I'm one of the dumbest guys in this world...because I feel like that. A LOT! Just dumb. 

 

Couples come back from this stuff, right?? I think that a lot too. It's not completely unheard of, right?? Even if that deceit is the entire history of said couple? Nothing to build off of. No trust. No history. No respect. No loyalty. 

 

I suppose in the conversations we have had the focus is always it happened, essentially, because I'm trans. The times we have tried to talk about this issue it's put in a category by itself because it's an uncommon situation so it should have it's own...for lack of a better word...rules. Since she would be committing to a relationship with me she should have been allowed to keep sleeping with cis men til she had decided she had enough? As much as I think I'm a pretty intelligent guy, I felt I needed to have a fresh perspective from others like myself. This is nuts right?? That sounds ridiculous right?? She would stop in her own time. In her time was a statement used a lot too. 

 

I also agree on therapy for myself. Something is wrong with me to keep getting involved with dishonest selfish women. 

 

So, thank you for letting me vent and taking the time to read it. I truly do appreciate it. 

[JJ]

To be honest I have never seen a relationship like this work out in a career of working with people and families. it doesn't really sound like you ARE a couple in any real sense. 

I know a couple with different sexual needs so they have an open marriage. It's one of the best marriages I've seen because the are honest and open with each other and each puts the other first. They are each committed to what is best for the other. And it is a two way street. That is the real key. There is absolute trust.

Sure relationships come back from infidelity. And some survive in spite of it with time and help. But they are based on a mutual commitment to the best for the relationship and each other that I don't hear in your description.

As trans men we often feel inferior. Feel the need to settle for less because on a deep level we feel we arent good enough for more. I can't say if that is an issue here. But a therapist can help uncover why you would settle for a relationship like this.

Lastly - when she tells you she will stop in her time she means never. There is no acknowledgment of any need to change anything in that statement. Just a deflection of dealing with it being a problem for you.

Life goes on without a relationship. And often I have seen when someone lets go of a negative relationship it clears the way for a good one. In spite of all the stereotypes we do find people who love us for who we are and bring joy rather than pain and anxiety into our lives.

Johnny

[Charlize]

In my experience it has taken a spiritual change to find a path to honesty.  That kind open honesty only came about in my relationship after i got sober and opened up about my gender issues.  My wife has accepted me and because of a new openness we are probably closer than ever.  I don't know if that kind of acceptance is possible in your relationship but complete openness and honesty is necessary or we are simply living in a fantasy world which is often difficult at best.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize