Whats the right order?

[DeeDee]

As those who have read my blog know the eldest two of my four sisters know I came out as questioning, they have both assured me that my nephews, their eldest/children would understand if I come out to them (ages 18, 18 and 21) and it would allow me more freedom to be able to be Sadie when I visit.

 

But I still have two younger twin sisters that I have not told yet as I do not see them as often - or my mum.

 

The chance to be Sadie out of the house is exciting, but knowing how my sisters have reacted to being given "big" news in the past they are just as likely to be annoyed with the order they are told as the fact that I'm Trans. Plus I'd have to do it via FB messenger to them both at the same time which is not as good, I would prefer to tell them face to face but that could be months before I get the chance, catching them on the phone is just about impossible!  Also they both have very masculine husbands who I am more worried about knowing than them...

 

So do I tell my remaining sisters, then the nieces and nephews?

Or tell the nieces and nephews that live with my eldest sisters which gives me a breathing space to explore leaving my kids, my mum and my ex (telling my kids inevitably leads to her finding out they are (10,11) and while we are definitely friends she already talks to me again like I'm her bff about her day and her new man, but I do not want her to know until the divorce comes through which we can apply for August next year)

 

I'm trying to be brave as I know I will feel better once my family know even if they struggle with it, but this whole thing makes me confused... ?

[Jani]

You could write a carefully worded email or text to everyone, explaining that this is important news from you and you are having a hard time arranging to speak with everyone, so this is the method you chose.  You can add that you'll follow up with a telcon or they can call you.  

 

Jani

[DeeDee]

Thanks for the suggestion Jani, so many moving parts. For me I don't think an email like that would work, thanks to my mum's poor mental health (self harming, far too numerous suicide attempts and an unadmitted BPD diagnosis) over the last 20 yrs my sisters and I have developed very sensitive triggers when it comes to oddly worded vague messages.

They make us nervous!  I wouldn't want to panic them - actually responding to this has helped - I should get a chance to speak to them over the phone between Christmas and New Year so will tell my younger sisters then and see how they react. If I see the elder nephews and niece I will speak to them in person. My mum HAS to be a face to face so I can be there to support her afterwards. She has only recently after years of me gently pointing out that "love thy neighbour" doesn't contain any ifs or but caveats only just stopped with the anti-lgbtq+ "love the sinner hate the sin" BS she grew up being told and has zero awareness of what trans means (like I had a clue not long ago) so coupling that with losing her only boy/son and heir/fine young man/fathers spitting image etc. etc. is going to be hard on her.

[Leo]

Have you considered not telling your mum due to her poor mental health? 

[DeeDee]

Just now, Leo said:

Have you considered not telling your mum due to her poor mental health? 

Absolutely Leo, she's my next biggest worry after my kids, as children we have spent 23 years dealing with goodbye letters and suicide attempts, mental health professionals and odd text messages and the knowledge that once my dad and her parents died (within 3 yrs of each other) that my mum could not see her children as enough of a reason to continue to live. It made us children closer than we would otherwise be and it's also why I needed to question my own mental health state so much at the start of all this - our family has waded through a metric tonne of emotional fecal matter over the years, some of it is bound to stick!  Then moving outwards my worries are my work, then my friends, then ex and extended family then random people who know me.

 

My mum does not believe that she has poor mental health, her grasp on reality v perception changes depending on her mood and the BPD and she is regularly hurtful and manipulative but I still love her and accept her as she is now. I value the relationship we have, even if I do not like the constant gender reinforcement making me try to live up to something I'm not. She may not accept me but at least she will know I love her and respect her enough to be honest with her. I will not be out as Sadie for a long time yet, I intend to keep on with counselling and start hair removal asap. Once I am sure it is the right thing to do I will investigate HRT, and getting the official notes in my medical records connecting with the NHS system here.  While that is happening I hope to be braver about showing the real me to the world. I have only just accepted I am trans, but I can promise that I am not going to come out to my work or generic friends without my mum knowing. 

[Kirsten]

Well I think you should make those choices of whom to tell yourself. The only advice I can give you with that is to tell the people you feel will support you first. It’s nice to have others in your corner in case of issues later. 

Second I would not worry too much about kids. I have a lot of kids in my life. When the friends and I get together, there are anywhere from 4-5 to 20 kids between the ages of 2 and 17! Not a single kid out of the group, including my own who are 12 and 3, cared in the least. Kids are very accepting. They only have issue with what they have been taught to have issue with really. Every one of those kids call me  aunty Kirsten she/her pronouns and haven’t even ever made mistakes with it! Kids are amazing. And so wonderful for things like this. There’s a good chance there is a trans kid in their school too. We are out and proud everywhere these days. 

Good luck with the spilling of the beans! It was actually one of my favorite parts of the whole process to date so far. 

[DeeDee]

Thanks Kirsten, family dynamics are just awkward to juggle at the best of times. I've always been considered the stable one ?  I cannot guarantee it but my sisters are pretty cool, they may not get it but I'm pretty sure they will still love me - the two male in laws are pretty macho so I cannot gauge their reactions and I would be upset if I wasn't allowed to see their kids or visit but life would go on regardless.

 

I know I expect less acceptance from the older family and the two male in laws more than the younger generations. Most of my cousins I rarely see but one lives in Brighton and was always awesome growing up so I'm pretty sure she'll be cool.  But I could carry on my day to day life without much/any contact as long as they didn't out me online.

 

I melt inside every time my daughter runs in to tell me something and accidentally calls me mummy!

And though it doesn't upset me I really think I would love being referred to as Aunty rather than Uncle, visiting them I could be Sadie more often than not (well for one of them anyway). Even if I do only have like 3 outfits I can wear at the moment... hearing you talk about the kids and socialising though gives me encouragement as while I am introverted around strangers I love family and friend get togethers.

 

I am sad to say that despite a recent attempt to have a pride support day this year very few people are out and proud in my current area - it is a rural farming community with two small towns as the major population centres think less than 6 pubs, those that are out usually end up being beaten up until they leave the area or worse - a colleague of mine deals with 3am call outs on a regular basis. One of the reasons I am so protective of my ID and haven't tried to reach out and see if there are any local groups is that everyone knows or is literally related to everyone else within a good 50-60 mile radius and they love to gossip. North of the central belt Scotland is a very sparsely populated narrow demographic and chances of knowing people is VERY high.

 

Its all the layering of how to tell and when - especially as I must be male for work right now - coming out in the future is possible but will require some delicacy from me and my workplace to allow for differences of religious opinion on whether or not I should exist... that's why I know I'll need to move as the house is tied to my work in the area and I know that where I am I could not be Sadie.

[Leo]

8 hours ago, SeekingSadie said:

Absolutely Leo, she's my next biggest worry after my kids, as children we have spent 23 years dealing with goodbye letters and suicide attempts, mental health professionals and odd text messages and the knowledge that once my dad and her parents died (within 3 yrs of each other) that my mum could not see her children as enough of a reason to continue to live. It made us children closer than we would otherwise be and it's also why I needed to question my own mental health state so much at the start of all this - our family has waded through a metric tonne of emotional fecal matter over the years, some of it is bound to stick!  Then moving outwards my worries are my work, then my friends, then ex and extended family then random people who know me.

 

My mum does not believe that she has poor mental health, her grasp on reality v perception changes depending on her mood and the BPD and she is regularly hurtful and manipulative but I still love her and accept her as she is now....While that is happening I hope to be braver about showing the real me to the world. 

You are already brave, and the strong person that you are has already been shown to the world.  Same strength, same courage, new package called Sadie.  

[DeeDee]

3 hours ago, Leo said:

Same strength, same courage, new package called Sadie.  

❤️❤️ Thank you.x

[Leo]

5 hours ago, SeekingSadie said:

❤️❤️ Thank you.x

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