Struggling with everything

[Kieran_]

So, within the last few months, I don’t know what happened, but something changed and all of a sudden I’m questioning everything. I’m 24 and my whole life I thought I was a cisgender straight female, but now I really don’t think I am and it’s confusing me so much.

 

I guess I’ve already sort of accepted that I’m not straight and that part was easier to accept. I think I was sort of attracted to the female body for a while and just tried to ignore it. Anyway, I started thinking about being a girl and suddenly became so uncomfortable referring to myself as a girl or woman. Girl, lady, woman, ma’am, etc all make me feel uncomfortable now.

 

I think I might be non-binary just because I feel more male than female, but I’m not sure I feel completely male. When I think about choosing one or the other (male or female) it just stresses me and I guess neither one feels totally right. However, I’m really doubting if I could actually be non binary. Like how will I know for sure? I just wonder, what if I’m just a tomboy or something? 

 

I literally never wear makeup and I have no interest in doing so. And it’s not just that, like if someone tries to make me it upsets me and I hate it. I also just wear men’s tshirts all the time and I’ve been longing to have short hair for years. I haven’t gotten my hair cut that short because almost everyone I know (mainly my family) tries so hard to talk me out of it and tell me I won’t like how it looks, and that they don’t like how girls look with short hair. Basically everything I like now is “boy” stuff. And I don’t know how to explain this well, but I’ve felt very disconnected from other girls for a long time. Like I just can’t relate to a lot of things they feel and like. I kinda feel like an alien or something. I’m not sure that I ever related to boys either but I probably do more than I do with girls.

 

Also, I’ve talked to a trans friend and they said they don’t think you can be trans without having dysphoria, which idk if that’s true because I’m obviously not an expert about this, but that makes me feel like i’m being an idiot because I don’t know if I have dysphoria. I definitely have hated my body for a long time, but I only used to hate it because I’m fat. Now I’m not sure how I feel about my female body. All I know for sure is that the thought of me being pregnant or breastfeeding makes me sick. Like it doesn’t just kind of gross me out or scare me. I hate the thought of it so much and it feels wrong. I guess I feel like idk if I want male or female parts but there isn’t a third option, so for me I kind of feel like why bother trying to change anything. All of this makes me think that I can’t be non binary. But also, I asked my friends to call me they/them so I could try it out, and when my one friend referred to me with “they”’ it made me really happy. I get pretty angry with how gendered everything is sometimes. And the thought of no longer having to be a girl does feel like a relief. I just don’t know anything for sure and I don’t want anyone to think I’m being trendy or a fake. 

 

Also, I don’t think there are any therapists who specialize in this near me and even if there were, i’m still on my parents’ insurance and I’m not out to anyone, so I can’t really go to an lgbt specialist without them knowing. They wouldn’t be hateful, I’m just really not ready to tell them anything yet.

 

I kind of worry that I’m just having some quarter-life crisis and that I’m being an idiot. I have been thinking about this for months and maybe I’m just scared to admit the truth. I just somehow literally never questioned anything about myself until this year. And I feel like I should’ve known by now if I’m really bi/pan & non binary or whatever I am. All I know is all of my girl friends I’ve talked to about this are completely sure they’re girls. So maybe it does actually mean something that I’m so uncomfortable with being female or feminine at all.

 

I’m so sorry for the super long post and if anyone actually reads this whole thing, thank you so much. I’m so confused and I need advice.

[DeeDee]

1 hour ago, Kieran_ said:

When I think about choosing one or the other (male or female) it just stresses me and I guess neither one feels totally right.

Pleased to meet you Kieran.  It can be a shock to the system when we start questioning our identities! If it wasn't for a fancy dress party this year I would still assuming that I was a cis male!  I understand the desire for understanding but do not be in a hurry to find a label for yourself. There are plenty of people more qualified than I am who can help you out, but it is my understanding that no one can tell you what your own gender identity is, but coming here was a great step as everyone here will simply accept you for you! Have a read around the forums and see which topics you feel the strongest pull towards - it will help you narrow down your search. x

[Jani]

Hello Keiran and welcome.  Sorry to hear of your distress.  Please don't stress over labels.  Are you a tomboy?  Maybe.  But why worry about it?  Just try to be who you are, and want to be.  It's OK.  Its not a requirement to have dysphoria.    

 

It's your hair, so maybe you could get it cut a little bit shorter as sort of a test for yourself.  A therapist would be a good idea to help you sort things out.  You could say you're experiencing anxiety and need to talk to someone.  They would not report to your parents.  For insurance coding they typically code the claim with a "generic" number style as there is a privacy issue at hand.   Here are some in your area.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/ny/ithaca?sid=1545143832.007_3056  There is also a search tool at the Transgender Pulse Resources tab.  

 

Please join in the conversation.  

Cheers, Jani

 

[Kieran_]

On 12/18/2018 at 10:14 AM, Jani said:

Hello Keiran and welcome.  Sorry to hear of your distress.  Please don't stress over labels.  Are you a tomboy?  Maybe.  But why worry about it?  Just try to be who you are, and want to be.  It's OK.  Its not a requirement to have dysphoria.    

 

It's your hair, so maybe you could get it cut a little bit shorter as sort of a test for yourself.  A therapist would be a good idea to help you sort things out.  You could say you're experiencing anxiety and need to talk to someone.  They would not report to your parents.  For insurance coding they typically code the claim with a "generic" number style as there is a privacy issue at hand.   Here are some in your area.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/ny/ithaca?sid=1545143832.007_3056  There is also a search tool at the Transgender Pulse Resources tab.  

 

Please join in the conversation.  

Cheers, Jani

 

Thank you so much for answering. I guess I know it doesn’t necessarily matter that much, but I really want a label for myself. I want to be able to call myself something and be comfortable with it. I should mention that I worry about everything haha. I’ll feel a lot better when I know what I am for sure. Also, I might try that with my hair and thank you. I didn’t know they didn’t have to report specifically what my issue is with a therapist.

[Kieran_]

On 12/18/2018 at 7:01 AM, SeekingSadie said:

Pleased to meet you Kieran.  It can be a shock to the system when we start questioning our identities! If it wasn't for a fancy dress party this year I would still assuming that I was a cis male!  I understand the desire for understanding but do not be in a hurry to find a label for yourself. There are plenty of people more qualified than I am who can help you out, but it is my understanding that no one can tell you what your own gender identity is, but coming here was a great step as everyone here will simply accept you for you! Have a read around the forums and see which topics you feel the strongest pull towards - it will help you narrow down your search. x

Thank you so much for answering. Wow, I’m really glad you went to that party! I am trying to take my time, I’m just impatient haha. I just want to be happy and comfortable with who I am already.

[DeeDee]

Just now, Kieran_ said:

I’m just impatient haha. I just want to be happy and comfortable with who I am already.

Kieran - thank you, it was an amazing night, and I'm glad I got the chance, but it would never have happened if I had done what most of my male friends would have done and objected to randomly being given a female character to go as.  Everyone I know wants to be happy and comfortable with who they are, it is the questioning that sets you apart because you are willing to ask (and therefore answer) the questions! just keep going.