Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hello everyone


Josie Beth

Recommended Posts

It’s been some time since I’ve been on HRT and I am finally getting to a place where I realize I can’t go on living life as I present now. 15 years ago I was a year into HRT and had every intention of continuing. But circumstances shifted and I had to stop. I could not afford hormones and had no support system in place to provide me with information i needed to hang on. Now I’m discovering that in spite of all I have been through I can’t truly be happy unless I get back on track. I’ve been living a lie for years and afraid to be my true self. I guess emotional and physical abuse from my father had something to do with my fears, and it still does to a degree but I know deep down that I have to do this no matter what it means. I’ve tried to live a life that pleases my father for years and at every turn it has failed miserably. Getting married ended in divorce. Trying to be a man’s man always ended in devastating results, loss of jobs, people taking things away from me that affirmed masculinity. It’s as if the universe itself is saying “hey stupid, quit ignoring who you are! It’s ok to be you!”. Now I’m faced with a new hint nudging me, which is my body. The changes from my first try at HRT never really went away. I still have soft skin and my nipples hurt intermittently. I haven’t thought about a lot of things from a male perspective for a long time but now it’s beginning to be more pronounced even with the absence of taking anything. It’s as if my body is saying “you are not going to get the message are you? Well I’m going to start doing something to remind you where you’re supposed to be”. So this is also a very spiritual thing for me. It’s not going to be easy and I realize that struggles and tears are far from over but I have to follow my heart. It’s the only way I will find happiness. I’m going to be leaning heavily on the information here. I’m also in need of friends who understand and really need to network locally because it’s still dangerous to be trans especially here where I live now. Perhaps it’s becoming more dangerous just because of the way people behave if they feel their leadership supports their actions based on their opinions. I’m concerned about that but it’s not going to change my mind. Anyway, I’m going to do a lot of reading here. Please feel free to contact me if you have any pointers, especially for local resources. I’m also considering relocating just because the lgbtq community here seems to have gone stealth from my point of view. It’s not as prominent as it was even a few years ago. I could be wrong but it seems so. Since I just recently moved back to this area, I have no idea where to start but I can visit the local pflag meeting next month to talk to someone. I’m not sure if it’s wise to wait until then though. 

Link to comment

I hope so too. I’m trying to reach out locally but so far none of my emails to Glad or any other organization are getting any responses. I’m trying to find support meetings, and other resources here but not much is making itself known. The closest psych doctor for mtf in your database is in Fayetteville Arkansas. That’s a bit of a drive right now so I’m going to try harder to find something else. It’s also the only thing listed at all near me but what about other things like endocrinologists and hair removal? I’m probably going to have to relocate for more comprehensive help. This is something of a letdown because it means I will probably be off balance once again in a new place. I know the lgbtq community here where I live means well and wants to support but I’m getting the impression that a lot of people moved away for similar reasons. Hopefully they can give me some direction. 

Link to comment
  • Admin

I am in Southern California, so I just had to look up where your city is to even start to think what to say.  I do know that St. Louis has an active LGBT community center where you could probably get a referral to one of their medical providers.  Your part of the U.S. is not really known for being Trans accepting or helpful i am afraid.

Link to comment

I know right? I lived in St. Louis a few years ago but I would probably say Kansas City or Columbia are bigger trans communities or possibly more visible. I’m not too keen on staying in my current location. But I’m not too eager to move back to St. Louis either because I never got to really learn the city and most of the time I was working. Just a few years ago the trans community here was significantly larger and to my knowledge most have moved because of police treatment, (putting trans women in male general population for even minor offenses) the local general intolerance, which to my surprise was even sometimes expressed by gay men that I was aquatinted with, and of course I can’t forget the murder and dismembering of a local teen trans girl who attempted to make friends and hang out in a town south of here. So yes the fear is real. There’s always Martha’s Vineyard, a local lgbtq bar, but I’m not sure they have been as busy lately. Its almost looks vacant these days. I’m half tempted to find a city that the cost of living is similar but has a much larger lgbtq population. I’m sort of a private person and the last time I felt somewhat anonymous and mildly comfortable was in Detroit when I first attempted HRT. You just kinda get lost in a sea of people and nobody really cares much about what you do as long as you don’t hurt someone else. And there’s more people to make friends with. Here it’s kinda like a city with a small town feel and of course conservative people tend to want to “help” by sticking their noses in where they don’t belong. So I try to avoid that crowd and that’s part of the reason I avoid my own family. My father especially who punished me severely as a young teenager for even wanting to explore what he did not understand. I’m not even going to get into that here. It’s for another thread. I guess I’m going to keep looking around. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Josietg,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you came along!

 

I live in a more dangerous area too, right in the heart of the conservative area of Michigan. Hopefully people even in our area's will begin to get more enlightened soon. But we will survive!?

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment

Thank you all for the welcome. I used to live near the UP in Wisconsin back in the 80’s so I am well aware of the general attitude towards us around there. I think had I gone to Minneapolis or Madison instead of where I did out of college I may have gotten over my fears much earlier in life. But we each have our own journeys. I don’t feel as intimidated after reading the transgender survey of 2015 though because there’s just about an equal spread of transgender people in each age group sampled. It’s encouraging to find that out.

Link to comment

Lately I’ve been going through my memories and realized that there were a couple of other signs I was trans way back, both around puberty. I used to shave my legs before I got a lot of body hair and then wear my mothers pantyhose and even tuck in secret. They were usually ones she discarded so she never knew. I also remember looking in my grandmas bathroom drawers and asking her about estrogen suppositories which she said she didn’t use any more so when she threw them away. I rescued them and began taking them in secret. The effects didn’t last very long because there were not many doses in the package but I was still subconsciously trying to be estrogen dominant. It’s probably worked in some ways to limit my male characteristics and keep me somewhat youthful over the years. I was always a small slender youth and now I’m a below average height and weight or leaning toward androgynous. I’m probably more comparable to a younger trans man than a typical male. It’s strange to look back and see now where all the obnoxiously obvious neon signs were, yet I still suppressed them. 

Link to comment
  • Admin

The severity of GD can make many of us do very risky things, such as taking other's medications at one time or another -- yeah me -- and we hopefully learned that it did no good without doing any harm to us.  A big problem with the GD can be that it hides many positive physical characteristics from us, that actually will be an asset when we begin our transitions.  Your mention of your physical shape and size will be a real asset when you feel ready to start clothes shopping.  It was not  until I had come out and was thinking of FFS that two doctors pointed out where my facial bone structure was not that masculine, so why waste my money and their time.

Link to comment

That’s something I have going for me, my facial structure is not as manly as some, however I know some things need changing, like my upper lip and maybe brow ridge. I’m not one for getting all the surgeries or injections. I’m more concerned about other things like my teeth and skin health, growing hair again, hair removal where I need that. I’m going to be excited about my first pedicure in ages. Nail salon I got my eyes on you, yes I do! 

 

The reason why I’m admitting these things is because I have to get them out, and it helps jog memories I’ve suppressed so I can tell my full story in a clinical environment. The more things I remember, the clearer it becomes in hindsight that it was in my face and I was in denial because I either didn’t know what to call it, or felt that I was just a failure even at transitioning. 

 

It’s a way of remembering all the things I did to try and express my female identity, no matter how insignificant it seemed at the time. 

 

I’m glad there’s no judgment here and I’ve got so much more to share. Some of it will probably be reserved for my therapist because it’s either embarrassing or just not discreet. 

Link to comment

I’m prompted to write about this because of the relationship thread I just read and realized I was going through my thoughts on transitioning early in my failed marriage. I was still in the army at the time and my then wife was beautiful and outgoing. I probably was not truly in love at the time and admit getting married was more due to my attempt to please my parents, like “look, I’m fitting into a gender normative role just like you want me to do”. But it didn’t last. I expressed my feelings to my then wife and she reacted with fear, denial, and slurs. I still remember her saying “our kids will end up gay and I can’t live with that!” And it hurt me in so many ways that she didn’t truly understand what I was going through and it had nothing to do with being gay. Over the next few years the marriage deteriorated, we separated twice, and I even went through my own period of depression, burning myself, alcoholism, cutting myself and trying to make things work in spite of all the signs that it was over. Once I finally accepted it was over and agreed to a divorce my family tried to force me to reconsider and I told them to get out of my business and my life. It’s like they could not see that I’d tried to do everything I could think of to salvage the marriage and my spouse was not cooperating. I tried explaining that but to no avail and so I decided to distance myself from my family for sanity’s sake. Then I tried covering up my grief with several flings because I was too afraid to look at myself and my gender identity. One of those flings turned into something more serious with a woman I thought would understand me. Four years in my honesty with her was also met with confusion, acting out, denial and flat out dishonesty. First she tried introducing others into our relationship, but she wasn’t really thinking about how it would benefit both of us, it was more like payback for my honesty and I guess a way to hurt me because I was again misidentified by her as gay. She brought a lesbian home one evening and not only was her motive dishonest with me but she was dishonest with the girl she brought home. The poor girl was so uncomfortable and she didn’t like that I was there (even though I showed no interest in her and was not thrilled with my gf pulling this stunt) so the girl ended up fleeing and my gf chased her down the street pleading with her not to go. Then she blamed me for not going along with her scheme. Later her failed pregnancy with me and resentment caused her to keep finding ways to get back at me for being honest. Eventually she had several affairs which I became aware of later but the one that hurt the most was when she told the guy I was her gay roommate and she had to get away for the weekend so I could have company. I had to work that weekend so I was not going to have company, but on my last day I came home and was alone relieved that I could sleep in the next day. She told me to expect her back that morning but failed to show up on time. I didn’t think anything of it until the guy she spent the weekend with keep calling to get a hold of her and she was not back yet. I politely asked him to wait til she returned so I could relax and he didn’t get the message. So that’s when I confronted him and it all came out, how she had lied to him about my sexuality and slept with him that weekend. When she did finally return with a smug look of retaliation on her face I told her that the cheating was not what upset me the most but her dishonesty and misunderstanding my identity was a huge issue and because she failed on both and continued to punish me it was over. She could not say anything after that and even though I asked her to leave after 90 days so she would not have difficulty finding a place she left after a week and I was alone again where I had to confront myself head on. That’s when I realized that I had to make a change and began my first attempt to really transition. It was a wonderful year where I experienced so many new feelings and discovered men, some better than others, and felt content for the first time in my life experiencing life as a woman. I wasn’t 100% passable, and just barely got to the point where I was called miss by most people when I had to abandon my transition. So many crises happened at once that I was blindsided. I lost my job, could not find another, and eventually lost my apartment. I ended up homeless in another city looking for work and miserable because I could not be me. What scared me the most was the idea that my only option would be sex work and I decided getting a disease or killed was not a good idea. So for the next 10 years I tried living as a man and have even been misidentified as gay several times and even hit on repeatedly by gay men who are not my type. But never truly understood. Some gay men have even expressed disdain for transgender women and accuse us of living a lie which has hurt a lot. I’m already down on myself but living as female for me is not a lie, it’s about as genuine as I can be. So I don’t really have any friends and gay men have been less than sympathetic to my truth. I’ve never had any relationship with any man who identified as gay and constantly have to reject their advances. I’m not interested in being with anyone who tries to define me according to their preference. I want acceptance and help to realize my dreams even if it’s only moral support. So I’m gladly single while I search for a way to begin again. The next relationship will be based on truth and acceptance instead of on lies and manipulation. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 111 Guests (See full list)

    • SamC
    • rachel w
    • MaryEllen
    • April Marie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,940
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Raelyn
    Newest Member
    Raelyn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
    • KathyLauren
      My brothers and I had to eat what was on the plate.  All of it, and nothing else.  Pickiness was not tolerated.  Some of our least favourite were liver and onions, sauerkraut, and especially rollmops (pickled herring).  We finally protested enough to persuade our mother not to serve rollmops, though she kept a jar in the pantry for years afterwards, as a threat if we didn't behave.
    • Carolyn Marie
      I'll go first.  My favorite team is the Yankees.  Loved them since I was a kid.  I was born in NYC so, yeah.  I know everyone loves to hate them, and that's OK.  I just love baseball in general.  It's a game of traditions, strategy, power, grace and skill.   Play Ball!!  ⚾   Carolyn Marie
    • Ashley0616
      I guess you do have a good point. It's just hard to try and not have the same meals over and over again. 
    • Willow
      Hi   I’ll weigh in on being picky about food.  Yes, and I was brought up that way.  We didn’t have to eat everything our parents ate.  They had a number of things they ate that they figured we wouldn’t eat, an acquired taste things or one or the other didn’t like them too.   even as an adult there are many things I won’t eat.  In my defense, there are different things my wife won’t eat.   the weird thing is that after being in E, my tastes have changed.  Sweet, sour, salty or bland, if I eat or drink too much of any one thing and I have to counter act it.   Willow
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...