Crossdressing and identity - or who am I?

[Alex94]

Hi everybody!

 

I have recently joined this forum, I've only read posts so far but I love this community!

I'm a 24 years old man, quite handsome despite not being really masculine. I was often mistaken for a girl when I was a child.

I began crossdressing at home when I was 14 and I've done it several times in different periods, trying to stop and actually managing to avoid it for long periods - even years - as I wanted to get rid of it to become more masculine and confident to have better chances with girls but always coming back to it.

Now that I moved to a new country, I've decided to book a full makeover session in a professional studio for crossdressers. It has been such a deep experience! Seeing myself as a passable girl made me feel like there was a whole new person staring at me in the mirror, all to discover.

I read of many of you who have girlfriends/wives and so on. This is different for me, I have never been in a relationship and I feel that each time I give in to crossdressing I behave in a bit more feminine manner in daily life. Now I feel like I'm on a crossroads: is this desire to be feminine something derived from external experiences,  like a way to express the rejection of society to see me as a normally manly man, which would be quickly forgotten once I "man up" and find a girl? Or should I just take advantage of the fact that I'm young, financially independent, in a new environment and that I'm still so inexperienced in relationships that I could easily learn a new sexuality and embrace my hidden femininity? 

 

Anyone who can relate? Also, reading up here it seems like crossdressing leads inevitably to being transgender. I wonder whether this is something general or is it biased due to the specificity of this community. Maybe there are normal men out there who have been crossdressers for a while but never came out.

I've been only recently considering the possibility that I might actually be transgender, but I still reject the association between me and that concept (despite having thought about sex reassignment therapy, which is not usual for cisgender people, I guess).

 

I know there are gender therapists but in this country you need to go through the GP to get an appointment there and I'm still not open about this with people who know me. Also, I don' want this to be registered in my clinical history if I decide to forget about it.

 

Thanks for your attention!

 

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Alex94 said:

Also, reading up here it seems like crossdressing leads inevitably to being transgender.

Hi Alex, it's nice to meet you. I have been discussing this with my wife this week.  Everyone's experience with TG disphoria of any kind is as unique as a snowflake.  We all have similarities but there are always several variables that take us to a different understanding of what we are, who we are, and what we want to become.  It affects so many decisions in our lives it can never be ignored without consequences.  e.g.; When you decide to express yourself, who to share this part of yourself, how much of your life you're willing to include it in...and on and on.  Some of us can feel fine with crossdressing on rare occasions, others need to present as another gender 24/7.  Throughout your life the need to do present yourself this way often changes too.  Most here have experienced that at some level or another.  A lot of it has to do with acceptance of yourself and willingness to act on it.

 

I started out crossdressing at first because of the look and feel of being feminine.  I saw it only as a taboo thing that allowed me to feel something new.  I didn't think it was as deep a need to express myself as I do now.  I have come to the conclusion (in my case) that my early crossdressing was truly just an expression of who I really was inside.  It is part of my core, my being that would not go away just because I was able to suppress it for a time.  In my experience, it will likely always be a part of oneself.

It seems to be an added facet to the lives of those who experience TG dysphoria, like myself.

 

I'm really glad you found this website.  Many of your other questions more than likely can be found here but ultimately you may consider also starting with some kind of local Trans group participation and then later, if needed, go for some very helpful exploratory gender counseling.  

 

Thank you for sharing,

Susan R?

[Jani]

4 hours ago, Alex94 said:

it seems like crossdressing leads inevitably to being transgender.

I don't think so.  It may seem that way reading posts, but this is a transgender forum so there may be more folks here that are predisposed to moving forward.  There are lots of people who crossdress and never consider transitioning.  They love the life they have, but enjoy being in touch with their feminine side.  It's unfortunate that it seemed to be such a big deal.  Women have long been able to crossdress without drawing attention to their gender.  In fact there is a lot of fashion that emulates male type clothing.  

 

Since it is a long process to get an appointment with a therapist and you are questioning, I would suggest reading as much as you can and try experimenting more.  Sooner or later you will enter a period of clarity.  Please reach out and ask questions and get involved in the conversations here.  All my best!
Jani

[Alex94]

Update: I've given in to my passion for crossdressing, I dress up regularly at home, do corset training (it's thrilling to see how feminine is my body shape getting), get full makeovers as often as I can afford it and I'm planning to go out all dressed up and with a professional makeup for the first time in ~10 days. 

I have starting to accept that I might be TG. Whatever might have been the cause, the conditioning from society, or whatever, I'm not simply cisgender, not anymore however. I've gone too far to describe the whole thing as a fantasy. 

Given how far I've gone in a few months I seriously wonder where am I going to be in a few years... But I love this journey! 

 

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Alex94 said:

I have starting to accept that I might be TG. Whatever might have been the cause, the conditioning from society, or whatever, I'm not simply cisgender, not anymore however. I've gone too far to describe the whole thing as a fantasy. 

Hi Alex, I think a lot of us get to that point.  It's very easy to deny the feelings for periods of time but it does not seems to ever go away. At age 55, I finally accepted it was a core part of me and not just a passing dream.  Good for you in seeing this early in your life.  You can begin enjoying yourself as you much earlier in your life than I.  Thanks for the update.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

10 hours ago, Alex94 said:

Given how far I've gone in a few months I seriously wonder where am I going to be in a few years... But I love this journey! 

Great news to read.  That you are happy is very telling of the correctness of your actions.   I won't kid you, it is scary at times but the rewards are immense!  

 

Keep us informed of your progress! 
Jani

[Alex94]

13 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hi Alex, I think a lot of us get to that point.  It's very easy to deny the feelings for periods of time but it does not seems to ever go away. At age 55, I finally accepted it was a core part of me and not just a passing dream.  Good for you in seeing this early in your life.  You can begin enjoying yourself as you much earlier in your life than I.  Thanks for the update.

Thanks for sharing this! Well, on the other hand you have experienced both worlds and you know who you are. I am starting to realize now that I'll never be a sexually active man (I really don't feel like going clubbing as a cis male anymore and I have been very shy in social situation in the past) so I'll never know what I'm missing out. But I honestly feel very enthusiastic about the new life which could be about to start for me!

5 hours ago, Jani said:

Great news to read.  That you are happy is very telling of the correctness of your actions.   I won't kid you, it is scary at times but the rewards are immense!  

I guess we all go through phases, I used to deny this a lot and be scared about it but recently I feel very positive towards being TG, I really feel happy while making progress toward achieving feminity and connecting with other CD/TG people! It's probably a good time to keep on pushing myself outside of my comfort zone!

Thanks for your comment!