I know I have to see a psychologist but can someone help me and give me so hope ?

[Mimi Dawn]

I'm 18 and I knew what " transgender " meant and I watched alot of youtubers talking about it openly, but for me I was gay and maybe a little feminine and in love with girly stuff, until a week ago, that was me but after a video I've watched where a trans woman speak up bout herself and change her name to a feminine one, idk, something hit me and I felt something with that, as if I wanted that, as if that was me and I think it was.
Right after that I just couldn't stop thinking and questioning myself bout my gender identity and if gay was the word that could describe me better or maybe a " easy " going word to use to live in this society easily maybe ?
I will talk about somethings I like and that I wish I had or could be part of me, parts of my life also, and if you guys identify or relate with something and think it may be part of being trans or dysphoria so then tell me plz ^^


- when I was 6/7 I was with my dad, probably dancing I can't remember, but what I do remember if that I made some angles that are pretty feminine and that made my dad say " what are you doing , it's what girls do, you want me to cut what's between ur legs to be a woman like your mom ? ", I only could think of him cutting " that " off and about bleed ( that tbh I hate seeing ) so I said no and started crying and never ever did that again later... until 16 when I started learning about myself and being feminine again but of course behind their back.

- I hate my masculine name and that's why I created a nickname that's more feminine.

- when I was a child until my 13, I used to imagine alot of things and stories in my head or put myself into movies and animations, but I was always a girl and never a boy because making a boy didn't look like me.

- it's a little bit hard for me to imagine myself with another boy, and it doesn't feel like me, it doesn't look like me being there

- I wish I could have boobs like a Cis gender girl, I was always jealous of girls on TV or instagram with long hairs and those boobs.

- I look down to my penis and I only see a " thing " that I use to pee, I don't really care about it or want someone to touch it.

- I love wearing lipstick but unfortunately I can't use other make up prod. since most of time my parents are at a home and it's hard.

- When I look into the mirror, I see a man, I see myself, but it's a weird feeling, as If I was seeing someone else rather than myself, but I never noticed or cared too much and I kept ignoring it until I stopped thinking deeply of it, until now
 
I don't know why only now I'm thinking about it ? Is it maybe because I've always been so shy and never talked about me not even with my parents?  Maybe that's why I only could realize it a bit later than most trans do ?
Because watching some trans stories, they were always like " I always knew, I never liked these clothes, I never felt comfortable or i never liked to be called by these pronouns "
Maybe I didn't really have some of these uncomfortable feelings because I always in some kind of way, was lost in my own mind and I was never an outgoing person.
And maybe also it's the fear of being true the thing about " not being a pretty woman or a passable woman ", because I think about it alot even before.
 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Mimi.  It's nice to meet you.  Thinking that you might be transgender can be an overwhelming feeling, I know.  You are not alone in coming to this realization a little later in life than others.  Sometimes we repress those thoughts and desires because of fear or doubt.

 

Yes, a gender therapist or psychologist would be a great person to see, but I also know that, at your age and situation, it isn't always easy to do.  But there is so much you can learn, here and elsewhere on the Web, or on Youtube and in books, that when the time comes you can see a G.T. you'll be so much better prepared.

 

There are some things you can do to feel more feminine without getting into trouble with your parents.  An ankle bracelet is easily hidden.  It's one of the first things I did.  Clear nail polish shouldn't be too obvious, either.  Lots of people your age get their ears pierced, too.  Some of my friends will come along with other suggestions.

 

Please look around the forums and read lots of posts, and ask all the questions you like.  There are lots of folks your age on our Chat side, too.  You just need to download the Discord program and log in.  Good luck, hon.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Susan R]

Hi Mimi, it nice to meet you. It's was interesting reading a little of what you shared about your journey and your thoughts during these times.  Many of the stories have a similar feel.  The internal battle and vague understanding of what is happening inside us is a common theme. But the one thing that it seems common in all of us is the sudden need to deal with it at some point or another...that moment when you decide, "I can no longer go on this way and I must make some real changes".

 

I went 21 years living in a happy marriage and was able to keep these common themes under wraps.  There really wasn't a major trigger that I can point to that caused it but suddenly I needed to seek help.  I reached out and finally got that help with counseling.  A year later, my life is better than ever and I'm on my journey of transition.

 

It's good that you are reaching out because you may be at that same point I was a year ago.  Something has to give.  Change is hard but sometimes necessary.  The people here on this web forum and on the live chat through the Discord app here are invaluable resources too.  You'll meet others at the same point in life and journey and you can even find friends you'll keep for life here.  I believe it to be true.  I'm glad you found us and look forward to hearing more about you.

 

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

36 minutes ago, Mimi Dawn said:

Because watching some trans stories, they were always like " I always knew, I never liked these clothes, I never felt comfortable or i never liked to be called by these pronouns "

Hi Mimi, I only started questioning in October when going to a fancy dress party as a female character made me start to confront my own feelings. I did not fit with a lot of the predominant Youtube stories about always knowing, or being suicidal, or hating my pronouns, and I have always found women attractive so initially thought I might perhaps be genderfluid.  I am only just starting to speak to a counsellor now, but I found out from the forums here that there sin't a one size fits all definition of what makes you Trans. We all have different experiences some may be more obvious but as Susan has said there will also be similarities that guide you. x