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MelissaAndProudOfIt

Suicide such a negative action

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MelissaAndProudOfIt

Hi to all reading this article.  At quite a few points in my life i too considered this option.   One particular time was when i drove down to our south coast.   I parked up my car...  At top of some craggy cliffs near the sea below...moon was out...and a cold crisp night.  I felt an all time lowest eb..left my keys and phone in my car and strolled to the clifftop point stood there in deep thought.  Asking God why was i made this way,  why was i a woman in guys body,  i had always bided by his commandments...as i looked very first time into my religion. I had done so much kindness to so many..in my life and there i was planning to end it all...i was in tears my knees were shaky, my heart thumping. Millions of thoughts and flashbacks too...stomach dropped to my feet..stood right at the bough of the cliff..  Suddenly my right foot slipped.. I thought i had granted my need...instead fell to the floor with a near heart attack.... When a profound thought come into my head...  Suicide is a way out, but its hell of a selfish act.  In many ways its a losers act...  I cannot be blamed for who i am or how i tick.  I never made me as God did.   So he wants me to live and face myselfs challenges and quite simply be who i can be...a loving guy a loving woman,  will my oh so many good qualities.  All the time he took to make me.  My parents time to make me.  My life had taken part and i had to face thelat too.  I had neither the right or power of authority to take my life..my slip said to me it wasn't my time and so did a loud voice in my head.  I am far stronger minded person now than i used to be.  Hello world i shouted there that night.. This is me.   Every aspect of me and my life was God made.  He gave everything to me...so i realised i no way had the just authority to do away with my life.   Every law biding and morally correct person living now or past or future are so so special. All part of a universal jigsaw puzzle of millions of interlocking pieces all relying on each other to hold the puzzle of life together..  Life was never going to anything but a struggle for any one...keep fight ing the good fight and you will always get out.  Each and everyones life is a blessing.  Who and what we are is another blessing.  Suicide is selfish, nevative.  I an neither selfish and neither am i negative about life.  All of lifes woes pretty well always works themselves out

 

 

 

 

Edited by Dev
This post has been moved to the Christianity forums to reflect the specific themes addressed within. Please note the opinions expressed herein are those of the author and not necessarily TransPulse as a whole.

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VickySGV

The founding purpose of this site was to prevent suicide among Trans people and we keep that goal in mind.  I cannot fully agree that suicide is selfish in all cases,  Suicide is a desperate action when all help seems to be lost and has isolated us to the point that we cannot comprehend what it will do to others and no longer have the ability to care.  The Forums here and Chat are to be a place where some who are near the suicide trigger can come to a safe relation with one person for long enough to conquer that isolation.  Telling me I was selfish when I was at my lowest point did not even register and in fact I thought the opposite was true, we are not in our wise minds at that cusp, but still we do need to reach out for help. 

 

@MelissaAndProudOfItYour story sounds very much like that of Jennifer Finney Boylan's story in She's Not There which is a very good book about a Trans woman's journey.  Jenny is a well known essayist and college professor here in the U.S., and your story parallels hers as to what and who people do with GD.  It is the type of story that indeed has connotations and symbolism in it that we can own.

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MelissaAndProudOfIt

Thanks VickySGV

 

Well that night I accepted that my life had ended as I slipped...I fell to the ground at the top of the cliff, not obviously down over the side...  Where i viewed in my minds eye all of one lifes plan.  As i said we all part a very important part of one great universal lifes plan puzzle.  It wasn't made by us, and though it's ours to keep for all eternity, we do not have authority to break it.   This is my own personal take on this issue..and by understanding it this way, helped me come to the conclusion that each life is a profound blessing, we may live our life, but we never made ourselves. therefore not have the right to end it.   It's only at this slip point i realised all those people who rely on me, those who already love me, like me, like being with me, like sharing time with me.   Those that like working with me, and many many more thoughts, and doing away with myself would have deprived all those that had feelings for me, both hidden and out in the open about me., hence what i said a selfish act thinking of only what i felt was the way out,  not at the same time taking in all of what these other valuable people in my life wanted of and from me.  What for the future, regardless though all the odds to have a family..  start living my life on more of my terms as Melissa on every God given chance... Now  I do all that, and more....  I don't know about others, but for me that slip killed my need to finish all, and face up to the stark reality that lifes like one universal rollercoaster...    all the above that i have written has gave me the strength to see through all of my lifes trials and as a result has left a far stronger version of me...    Please note as you read this and can relate to it, i would love to see your thoughts, as it's my personal insight...  It really has helped me..  I hope to in some way it might help many others.

 

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