Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Sign in to follow this  
Bad

So I came out about a month ago..

Recommended Posts

Bad

Not to everybody in my life, but I told a few people. I only asked my friends to call me a different name and use different pronouns. But if I'm honest, although I was happy I told them, I started feeling really fake and don't know what to make of it. They kept messing up with my name/pronouns too, and I understand it takes time to shift, but it got me thinking maybe I jumped the gun...? Like I'm not entirely ready to come out yet.

 

I don't know. I feel like deep down, past my anxiety and fear, I know who I am. I don't really envision myself being a wife, or anything like that. I almost feel like I'm still a kid though, like I never grew up because I never explored my identity in the way that made sense to me. But even living as female, I feel that I'm not on the binary and that makes me a little insecure about how I'm identifying (transguy). Transitioning to me doesn't mean anything other than character development; I just want to grow into the person I've always wanted to be. Medical intervention may be part of that journey. My entire life I've felt more of a guy than a girl. I'm soft though, and I don't want to conform if I choose to go on HRT. That's one of my biggest fears -- that I will disconnect from my emotional self on T.

 

I'm in a place of fear right now too. My home is not safe for me to come out in. And when I do, I will lose my relationship with my mother probably and a few other family members too. I'm the type of person to want to live freely though, so the more I discover myself the harder it is to keep quiet about my findings. When I graduate from college, I want to move to a place where trans people are relatively accepted, so I can start over there and not look back.

 

This is also one of the reasons I joined Pulse. I need to talk to others who understand. So I will definitely try to be more active here... but in the meantime, figuring out how to get what I need IRL is pretty daunting.

Share this post


Link to post
SugarMagnolia

Hey Bad,

Yes, it can be tough at times to know what to do. And the relief in being out to a few people can be compromised by their reactions and support. It's natural to have some of these issues and feelings, though. If you're not sure that you're ready to come out yet, that's OK. Just take your time and go at your pace. It's YOUR transition and you get to choose how quickly to move.

Your thought about simply wanting to grow into the person you've always wanted to be sounds 100% on the mark, though. How far from graduating are you?

Share this post


Link to post
Susan R
Just now, Bad said:

I started feeling really fake and don't know what to make of it. They kept messing up with my name/pronouns too, and I understand it takes time to shift, but it got me thinking maybe I jumped the gun...?

You're right...it does take time.  We want it all to change so fast..and I understand that.   I can't speak for others but this is the exact case for me too.  Try not to worry about this specific issue of not feeling "your true self" this early on around others.  They are making an effort to acknowledge you as your true self and it takes time for it all to sink in for them too.  In time, it will become second nature for them and you'll likely start to feel "yourself" around them more and more.

My wife started calling me Susan when crossdressed at home just 3 weeks ago.  I'm still trying to mentally adapt to it even though it's been my female name since ~1985.  It takes some getting used to and her acceptance of Susan and using that name is all new for her too.

You'll be fine in time with this issue.  Imho, you and I are still in that awkward adjustment period so give yourself a little slack and enjoy being you.

 

Susan R🌷

Share this post


Link to post
Bad
Just now, SugarMagnolia said:

Hey Bad,

Yes, it can be tough at times to know what to do. And the relief in being out to a few people can be compromised by their reactions and support. It's natural to have some of these issues and feelings, though. If you're not sure that you're ready to come out yet, that's OK. Just take your time and go at your pace. It's YOUR transition and you get to choose how quickly to move.

Your thought about simply wanting to grow into the person you've always wanted to be sounds 100% on the mark, though. How far from graduating are you?

 

It's almost unreal how true that is, something I didn't anticipate until I actually told some people. Yeah I definitely need to remind myself to just take it easy sometimes. Like Susan said below, we want instant change but it doesn't happen that way.

 

I'm about 2 years from graduating, shorter if I work super hard. I'm exploring the possibility of dorming next year though so I won't have to be in my house; I might have more wiggle room to be out at school if I can do this!

 

Just now, Susan R said:

You're right...it does take time.  We want it all to change so fast..and I understand that.   I can't speak for others but this is the exact case for me too.  Try not to worry about this specific issue of not feeling "your true self" this early on around others.  They are making an effort to acknowledge you as your true self and it takes time for it all to sink in for them too.  In time, it will become second nature for them and you'll likely start to feel "yourself" around them more and more.

My wife started calling me Susan when crossdressed at home just 3 weeks ago.  I'm still trying to mentally adapt to it even though it's been my female name since ~1985.  It takes some getting used to and her acceptance of Susan and using that name is all new for her too.

You'll be fine in time with this issue.  Imho, you and I are still in that awkward adjustment period so give yourself a little slack and enjoy being you.

 

Susan R🌷

 

Thank you so much for this message, Susan. It's very reassuring. I am definitely too hard on myself sometimes so I needed to read that. It's awkward for sure but those feelings don't reflect reality, which is.. I am who I am.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 123 Guests (See full list)

    • Jani
    • NB Adult
    • Nivegnal
    • Jackie C.
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,015
    • Total Posts
      623,245
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,711
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Kaydon
    Newest Member
    Kaydon
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • Jackie C.
      Honestly, therapists are really easy to talk to. Part of the job and all. You'll be amazed how much better you feel talking to someone.   SO jealous about the Medical University thing. I imagine that makes things ever so much easier. Most of what you need is just right there. Awesome news!   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Hrm. I tried three.   Kathe S. Perez from 30-Day Crash Course   Melanie Ann Phillips How to Develop a Female Voice   and Nina who has a last name, but I'm completely not remembering it Female Voice Club   First off, they all had good points and slightly different approaches. Cost wise How to Develop a Female Voice is the least expensive and provides about an hour of material. I personally didn't find her methods that useful, but she comes from an acting background and teaches like she would to other actors. If I was a more experienced actress, I might have gotten more out of it. 30-Day Crash Course had some advice that I'm still using. It's the next most expensive. Like I said, advice that I'm still using, but the instruction style didn't get me as far as I'd like. If I had a decent voice coach easily available I think it would have made great supplemental material. Female Voice Club made the most difference for me. Nina works on just one element at a time and goes in depth about what she's doing and why. You can also send her short voice clips for her to critique and she'll give you advice on what you should be working on. Unfortunately, it's the most expensive (and longest), but she's got options for a subscription to spread things out. You can, however, do the warm-up exercises in the car and she's got things you can do when you're alone at work at your desk.   I practice for about an hour a day and I'll work in extra tuning sessions when I'm in the car or doing something mindless.   I hope some of that helps!   Hugs!  
    • Nivegnal
      Per the wise advice I have received here I have reached out to my company mental health benefits department  I work for a Medical University, UVM.  They are very pro transgender and serious about all sorts of tolerance.   They just forwarded me a couple numbers for counseling with a gender specialist.  I’m hoping from there I can be referred to a psychologist or equivalent. Maybe even get past all this fear.   im just hoping my insurance covers this.   (fingers crossed) This is a major step for me.  Kinda scary admitting “things” to someone face to face.   I suppose you have to start somewhere.
    • Nivegnal
      I have always been a car vocalist.  From way back singing in the family car with my brothers and sister. I even can hit the high notes.  But it has to be loud.  I tend to blend my voice to mimic the artist but find it difficult to do so at lower music levels.  I don’t have a very low voice and, to me, listening to myself on tape it’s a little on the nasally side.  With the right pitch I think it might be cute.   I look forward to practicing but I need to find the right program to use while driving. I am looking into the suggestions here.    
    • Charlize
      I've always preferred the witch   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Maid In Bedlam
      You cannot beat a Bela lugosi Dracula  Movie. He was the real mould . For me anyway.   Not so good in plan Nine from outer space.   I have no idea why i have posted this but it had to be said.   That is all
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Well they did pave paradise. and put up a parking lot   Those meddling kids.       Well i get me bike back anyway. With a working ding a ling to
    • Jackie C.
      Tragically no, but my therapist is working on it. That means she's experienced and active in the LGBT+ community, but none of her three degrees are specifically for gender therapy. I'm not actually sure where the distinction is. Both Deena (my regular therapist) and my gender therapist, Sara are LMSWs. That's Licensed Master Social Workers.    For gender therapists I had to go outside BetterHelp.com to the UofM Health System. I love Sara but I wasn't up to driving that far every week to talk to her (I love my car, but she's an old girl. I try not to stress her too much.) Also, she's always super put together and it's a little intimidating. Deena and I have had (online) sessions where we were both in sweatpants.   So yeah, I went with Deena and BetterHelp for my regular therapy needs and went... well, go... to Sara at UofM for things that need that specific gender therapist seal of approval. She was the Letter of Recommendation I needed to get started on hormone therapy. For WPATH standards of care (If you're going for GRS anyway), you need two gender therapists from different programs, so I also saw... I'm blanking on her name now, but she's local to me so it doesn't matter at all for you. At least I don't THINK you want to come to Michigan for a therapist. Anyway, she was a full psychologist and wicked expensive. I liked talking to her and am forever grateful for her Letter of Recommendation but I'd go broke seeing her.   Hugs!
    • Steph1982
      Hey there!    I just read your post and can relate to some of it. I too wish I could see the girl inside but that would take much more time and steps in the right direction to get there. The porn thing I totally get too, and after doing a lot of reading and people's kind words on here it's really not as uncommon as I thought it would be. The reasons behind all of it though can vary which is why seeing a licensed therapist is so important and will likely be my next step as well. Maybe start there?    Jackie, does better help have licensed gender therapists? It was my understanding that they had licensed counseling and some have experience with gender issues but they are not specifically a gender therapist? 
    • tracy_j
      Hi, hello and welcome ☺️   I have missed the start on this but you have good experiences given above. I have a link here which gives an overview: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/guidelines/   and https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/how-to-find-an-nhs-gender-identity-clinic/   plus there are support groups (probably variable / not regulated): https://www.transunite.co.uk/   In general, the NHS information seems to be good, although I have no real first hand experience. Waiting lists are long, as may be expected. Access via your Gp is the usual route but, if that is a problem, just push elsewhere. As mentioned, self referral may well be accepted.   Don't hesitate to ask further here as there is much experience and guidance to options.   Tracy        
    • Jackie C.
      What Jani said. Unfortunately there's no magic wand. I so wish, but wishing doesn't work either. Herbal products are a bad idea for a variety of reasons from, "It doesn't work and cost a mint," to "It doesn't work and gave me an exciting new health problem." The same goes for vacuum pumps. You do not want to throw a clot. Honestly all these products are looking to make a buck off of someone else's moment of desperation. Where you'll try ANYTHING to get just a little closer to your goal. The people who peddle such problems should be pecked by perturbed penguins until they repent.   Breast massage along with hormone therapy (under the supervision of an endocrinologist) helps a little. Your mileage may vary. It's pain free though.   I can't comment on hair removal though. I was "gifted" with alopecia universallis for my 39th birthday. I'm going to look on the bright side and say, "At least I don't have to shave anything." I have found that most SRS surgeons in the states won't touch you unless you've had electrolysis in the "target area" for at least a year though. Made scheduling my surgery a challenge.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Putting my fingers over an ear never occurred to me. I usually practice in front of the computer and use audio playback along with a pitch register. I speak on a G sharp now and it sounds pretty good. My wife's natural voice is now a little darker than mine.   It took a lot of practice to get here though.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      What Jani and Vicky said. It sounds like you really need to talk to a therapist. I've been where you are. It was a dark, unpleasant, no-good place. You don't have to be there. The first step is finding help. Your medical insurance might even cover it. Find a therapist and talk. They're paid to listen and help. It's very refreshing. I went with BetterHelp.com because they're cheap and I don't have to leave the house. I know that as a guy of a certain age you were trained with "guys don't need help" and the stigma of finding help for mental issues. Those are terrible, terrible lies. Find someone. It can get better.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      I started in the home and moved to a gym later. My first exercises were a cardio-dance routine for women* that I alternated with an hour on the treadmill. I lost eighty pounds doing that before I sought out a personal trainer once a week at the gym.   Part of that is because the treadmill broke...   Hugs and best of luck!   *That was fun. I still can't dance to save my life, but it was fun.
    • VickySGV
      You are describing some serious depression in your post there.  My recommendation is that you immediately if not sooner find a licensed therapist in your state who deals with Gender Dysphoria, or at least one who can help you really discover source of the depression first, actually though, Gender Therapists have all started out as the garden variety therapist who learned to treat depression.   On a darker note, yes, there are people who become addicted to pornography as well, but the therapist I recommended above can also help people get that addiction onto the road to recovery.  Attraction to porn does not exclude the possibility that you are Trans also.  It will take a while in therapy to work all of that out, but  in my experience you have a good chance of getting your life under control, even if it requires going in to full Gender Transition. 
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...