What am I?! Please help!

[Audian]

Hello, First off i would like to say thank you to anyone who helps me. Since i'm new to all this i want to state that IF anything i say is ignorant or offensive i am sorry, it is 100% not my intent. But my problem is this..... i am a born male person who is 31. The past year or so i have had different opinions on who i am. I've been traditionally straight and "manly" my whole life up to that. But i have had feelings of wanting to be very feminine. Basically i want to be a girl in every way except still having male genitals. As in i want to look, sound, and act female. But not all the time. I get in "moods" where i either want to be do straight male things still (dress like a boy, look like a feminine boy, sleep with women, etc)and moods where i want to be a girl (dress like a girl, sound like a girl, sleep with men, etc). I do like both men and women, but i DO NOT enjoy sleeping with men when i look like a man.I don't get aroused at two men ( obvious and masculine) having sexual relations. Not saying i have a problem with it. It just doesn't arouse me. I want to (at all times) look feminine enough to pass as either female or a feminine looking male. EX: small breasts, that when topless look like breasts but in a tight male shirt, looks like pecks. An androgynous face. Feminine curves and hairless (except eyebrows and hair on my head). I've always wanted a more feminine body. And because i hated my male body i tried working out, and after more than a year and 40 lbs of muscle later, i still hated my body. Due to my "moods" and personality i have had little encounters with men because i still have a masculine body and don't enjoy it when i don't look feminine and sexy. Basic overview, I want to have a feminine body (breasts, soft supple features, hourglass shape, pronounced hips, etc). I want my face to be both feminine enough to pass as female but masculine enough to pass as a feminine looking male (but this is without make up, with make up i look completely like a girl). I want to keep my male genitalia though. As long as as my sexual partner isn't male, I'm ok with being in a "male mood" or a "female" one and whatever we do is ok ( like whoever the more dom one is and who get penetrated etc is up for grabs). But when my sexual partner is a man and masculine looking i only want to be in a "female mood" and be the one who gets penetrated ( i don't want to penetrate a masculine looking person). But one thing i should point out is that i don't find masculine men traditionally attractive. I can look at a man and say he is a good looking man, but i don't look at them with the same infliction i would a woman or a feminine trans. However, if i did look the way i wanted to, i would probably sleep with men more often than i do women ( as in i would be the one getting penetrated more often, than doing the penetrating, even though i find women more sexually appealing than men). I do have make up and female clothes, and have thought about hormones, getting work done, doing work outs that promote a feminine body, and corset training my figure. But i haven't yet because i don't know who i am or my "identity" yet. Please help me! What should i do? who am I?!

[VickySGV]

A good start is to separate the sex issue from your gender feelings with the help  of a Therapist who is skilled in Gender / Sex counseling.  Sex is a matter of who you want to sleep with, and gender is about who you want to sleep as.  Your sexual feelings are fine and yours to have.  Under the umbrella of being Trans, sexuality is a spectrum and not all of us are at the same place.  Those feelings do not determine who you are gender wise. 

 

How you wish to be seen as, is and really should be your choice but you do need to learn how to do that.  I have had GCS and it was important to me, you have eliminated that possibility for you, and it does not make either one of us less or more Transgender, since we are referring to sexuality.  I was at a party last night with 25 friends who are all over the Gender spectrum, and they are comfortable with their personal looks and to me they look like my wonderful friends whom I have known as people for 4 years.

 

I think we have some ideas in here about all of that here, so read, post questions and ideas, and keep it up.

 

The forums here do include people under 18 years old and their parents so while it is ok to talk about what sex is that the "how" can be a problem.   Please do read the Community Rules if you have not.  http://www.transgenderpulse.com/community-rules/

[Audian]

Vicky, I apologize for anything obscene in this post. I guess the better question for me to ask is, Am i trans, a cross dresser, or something else? And thank you again for your response 

[VickySGV]

Nothing obscene, or we would not allow the post at all, so you are fine that way.  My best answer is that I know WHO I am after being out as a CD for 10 years and now as a Transgender Woman for another 10 but while I know what I did due to the condition known as Gender Dysphoria I honestly. and we here on the Forums as well cannot label you even from what you have told us. Other than ME., I do not really have a label. 

 

Try to envision who you are or see yourself, and we will honor that until it looks like something else.  I made a post earlier today about my experience in a women's only space, and while mammograms are not fun, it was part of the ME that feels right and whole.  I still was out getting my hands dirty (yes my recently done finger nail tips too) helping a neighbor with a car problem.  All three things are parts of me, but do not label me. 

 

I think you belong here on the forums and your questions are the beginning of a journey but it is your decision on where it ends.    If you have any question about your gender, you are not cis-gender, that is for sure.  I have a book sitting on my computer desk here by the title How To Be You by Jeffrey Marsh who is a queer entertainment producer of a lot of You Tube and HBO shows and whom I have met IRL.  The chapter headings give a good road map of sorts, don't try to be perfect. trust yourself, learn more about yourself, have your emotions, let go of punishment and control, get used to not knowing, and stay connected to yourself.  You can do all of that and still not really have a label, but you will find a ME/YOU in the deal.

[DeeDee]

10 hours ago, Audian said:

I do have make up and female clothes, and have thought about hormones, getting work done, doing work outs that promote a feminine body, and corset training my figure.

Hi Audian, nice to meet you.

Vicky's advice to talk to someone first is absolutely the best thing to do.  It allows you to sort out the jumble in your own head first, but there is so much information here on the forums and blogs that you may find it helps a lot reading the experience of others. When I joined as questioning, knowing it wasn't just me was a huge step for me to stop being ashamed of my cross dressing and start accepting that it just meant I had to look deeper if I wanted to find out why.

[Susan R]

 

10 hours ago, VickySGV said:

A good start is to separate the sex issue from your gender feelings with the help  of a Therapist who is skilled in Gender / Sex counseling.  Sex is a matter of who you want to sleep with, and gender is about who you want to sleep as.

 

Hello Audian, welcome to our forum!  The advice Vicky mentions above is some really good advice.  This would be a top priority for me if I was at the point you are right now.  What a story you have.  I can relate to much of what you have experienced in your life.  Your struggles were my struggles throughout much of my life.

 

Very early in my life, I too lived a completely bisexual existence.  I dressed as both genders off and on.  LIke you, I also found women to be attractive and not men, at least in the same way.  Then at 23, I changed everything almost over nite.  I started dressing as a women every nite and had a girlfriend for most of those years.  Then at 34, I purged everything female and got married, lived straight and raised 3 girls for 22 years.  Then a year ago, I couldn't do it anymore.  I started seeing a counselor.  Then this last Sept. I started transitioning and now have the full support of my wife.  It's been a wild ride but now with help from others including many people here on this forum, I've come to terms with myself.  I hope to read more about your life here on this forum and see where it takes you.  Definitely ask more questions if you need any help.  There's bound to be someone here that has some sound advice.

 

Susan R?

[Audian]

Vicky, DeeDee, and Susan Thank you so so so much for your advice and kind words. You have made my day

[Cloee]

@Audian

 

Same boat here: 53 yrs male, multiple periods of muscle buffness, about a few dozen partners, liking women more than men but having female desires, cross dressing to feel female, realizing I want to be female, discovering it's possible, and then my mind started to change.

 

Suddenly I lost that feeling a male has towards a woman for every woman I have ever fantasized about and was replaced with an **overwhelming** sense of wanting to be them. What was a turn on before has now morphed in to my desire to be (hair, body shape, etc). I have to force myself to think like a man towards a woman, and it no longer feels instinctual. What does now feel instinctual are any thoughts of being female. It's a striking and jarring sensation since i've been thinking "male" my whole life. The more I welcome it the more it makes my brain align along magnetic lines I've ignored for so long.

 

So... talk it out with counselors, and maybe anyone else you feel you can truly trust. Toss those thoughts in the hair and examine them from all sides. Who knows what else you may discover.

 

-cloee

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Cloee said:

Suddenly I lost that feeling a male has towards a woman for every woman I have ever fantasized about and was replaced with an **overwhelming** sense of wanting to be them. What was a turn on before has now morphed in to my desire to be (hair, body shape, etc). I have to force myself to think like a man towards a woman, and it no longer feels instinctual. What does now feel instinctual are any thoughts of being female. It's a striking and jarring sensation since i've been thinking "male" my whole life. The more I welcome it the more it makes my brain align along magnetic lines I've ignored for so long.

Wow, Cloee...this is a great description of what I went through over the last 33 years or so.  I've just never had it described so eloquently...especially the part I selected in bold.  Thank you for your insight.

 

Susan R?

Edited January 12, 2019 by Dev
Edit: typo correction at Susan's request.

[Josie Beth]

In my personal experience I’ve always approached matters of the heart from a more feminine perspective. I’ve always wanted love, a connection, and never seemed to find what I was looking for. Eventually one day, I found myself treating women as friends and confidants instead of seeing them as potential partners and it was very satisfying for me. Many of them could not understand why I didn’t pursue them and it was because I was rediscovering my true person, but I hesitated to tell them what was going on inside my head. What had once been mistaken on my part as attraction became more a sense of admiration, even sisterhood. Many women are still drawn to me but more as an equal than someone who they want to get physically involved with. I’m often complimented for treating them as a real person instead of a sex object or just a silly woman as they put it. I guess it’s just a part of my personal evolution. Realizing the truth that I’m not meant to keep the traditional male role expected from me, I accepted it and decided to just be content alone. That’s when soon after it’s like something triggered my body and it decided to give me just a little extra push which made me realize I was really female on the inside. I didn’t realize what was happening until I really consciously thought about it and then decided I was not going to fight it. Instead I am embracing this new life and everything it has to offer. Now I’m finding it very natural to shop for makeup, clothes, and other feminine products. Of course I’m window shopping on the internet but it’s still a change from just years ago when I was still trying to fit the male role unsuccessfully. I’m finding my true purpose and person. My journey might not be for everyone in similar circumstances, but it’s for me. I’m much happier with myself on the inside than I was before and that’s how I know I’m headed down the right path. It’s natural.

[Robin]

Reading this topic has reminded me of a comment that a friend made to me when I was a student, more than thirty years ago.  He said that I always wanted to be friends with women, rather than trying to have sex with them.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, I can understand why that was.

 

Robin.

[Cloee]

Feels good to hear others feel the same.

 

I've been asking myself lately: who do I want to show up as? When the real question is: who do you show up as now? What parts of your being speak first for any given situation?

 

Be completely honest with yourself to nail that down and you got your truest sense of your core self. In our cases it turns out we've always shown up as female.

 

Funny how no one noticed, right? Shows you what a five o'clock shadow on your face does for the art of perception.

[Cloee]

Forgot to add....

 

We are an amalgam of all that we've ever been. Moving forward is best done by admitting all that we are, and trusting in ourselves enough to let our instincts choose who we are going to show up as for any given moment.

 

God, I miss Dr Ruth!