Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

What am I?! Please help!


Audian

Recommended Posts

Hello, First off i would like to say thank you to anyone who helps me. Since i'm new to all this i want to state that IF anything i say is ignorant or offensive i am sorry, it is 100% not my intent. But my problem is this..... i am a born male person who is 31. The past year or so i have had different opinions on who i am. I've been traditionally straight and "manly" my whole life up to that. But i have had feelings of wanting to be very feminine. Basically i want to be a girl in every way except still having male genitals. As in i want to look, sound, and act female. But not all the time. I get in "moods" where i either want to be do straight male things still (dress like a boy, look like a feminine boy, sleep with women, etc)and moods where i want to be a girl (dress like a girl, sound like a girl, sleep with men, etc). I do like both men and women, but i DO NOT enjoy sleeping with men when i look like a man.I don't get aroused at two men ( obvious and masculine) having sexual relations. Not saying i have a problem with it. It just doesn't arouse me. I want to (at all times) look feminine enough to pass as either female or a feminine looking male. EX: small breasts, that when topless look like breasts but in a tight male shirt, looks like pecks. An androgynous face. Feminine curves and hairless (except eyebrows and hair on my head). I've always wanted a more feminine body. And because i hated my male body i tried working out, and after more than a year and 40 lbs of muscle later, i still hated my body. Due to my "moods" and personality i have had little encounters with men because i still have a masculine body and don't enjoy it when i don't look feminine and sexy. Basic overview, I want to have a feminine body (breasts, soft supple features, hourglass shape, pronounced hips, etc). I want my face to be both feminine enough to pass as female but masculine enough to pass as a feminine looking male (but this is without make up, with make up i look completely like a girl). I want to keep my male genitalia though. As long as as my sexual partner isn't male, I'm ok with being in a "male mood" or a "female" one and whatever we do is ok ( like whoever the more dom one is and who get penetrated etc is up for grabs). But when my sexual partner is a man and masculine looking i only want to be in a "female mood" and be the one who gets penetrated ( i don't want to penetrate a masculine looking person). But one thing i should point out is that i don't find masculine men traditionally attractive. I can look at a man and say he is a good looking man, but i don't look at them with the same infliction i would a woman or a feminine trans. However, if i did look the way i wanted to, i would probably sleep with men more often than i do women ( as in i would be the one getting penetrated more often, than doing the penetrating, even though i find women more sexually appealing than men). I do have make up and female clothes, and have thought about hormones, getting work done, doing work outs that promote a feminine body, and corset training my figure. But i haven't yet because i don't know who i am or my "identity" yet. Please help me! What should i do? who am I?!

Link to comment
  • Admin

A good start is to separate the sex issue from your gender feelings with the help  of a Therapist who is skilled in Gender / Sex counseling.  Sex is a matter of who you want to sleep with, and gender is about who you want to sleep as.  Your sexual feelings are fine and yours to have.  Under the umbrella of being Trans, sexuality is a spectrum and not all of us are at the same place.  Those feelings do not determine who you are gender wise. 

 

How you wish to be seen as, is and really should be your choice but you do need to learn how to do that.  I have had GCS and it was important to me, you have eliminated that possibility for you, and it does not make either one of us less or more Transgender, since we are referring to sexuality.  I was at a party last night with 25 friends who are all over the Gender spectrum, and they are comfortable with their personal looks and to me they look like my wonderful friends whom I have known as people for 4 years.

 

I think we have some ideas in here about all of that here, so read, post questions and ideas, and keep it up.

 

The forums here do include people under 18 years old and their parents so while it is ok to talk about what sex is that the "how" can be a problem.   Please do read the Community Rules if you have not.  http://www.transgenderpulse.com/community-rules/

Link to comment

Vicky, I apologize for anything obscene in this post. I guess the better question for me to ask is, Am i trans, a cross dresser, or something else? And thank you again for your response 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Nothing obscene, or we would not allow the post at all, so you are fine that way.  My best answer is that I know WHO I am after being out as a CD for 10 years and now as a Transgender Woman for another 10 but while I know what I did due to the condition known as Gender Dysphoria I honestly. and we here on the Forums as well cannot label you even from what you have told us. Other than ME., I do not really have a label. 

 

Try to envision who you are or see yourself, and we will honor that until it looks like something else.  I made a post earlier today about my experience in a women's only space, and while mammograms are not fun, it was part of the ME that feels right and whole.  I still was out getting my hands dirty (yes my recently done finger nail tips too) helping a neighbor with a car problem.  All three things are parts of me, but do not label me. 

 

I think you belong here on the forums and your questions are the beginning of a journey but it is your decision on where it ends.    If you have any question about your gender, you are not cis-gender, that is for sure.  I have a book sitting on my computer desk here by the title How To Be You by Jeffrey Marsh who is a queer entertainment producer of a lot of You Tube and HBO shows and whom I have met IRL.  The chapter headings give a good road map of sorts, don't try to be perfect. trust yourself, learn more about yourself, have your emotions, let go of punishment and control, get used to not knowing, and stay connected to yourself.  You can do all of that and still not really have a label, but you will find a ME/YOU in the deal.

Link to comment
10 hours ago, Audian said:

I do have make up and female clothes, and have thought about hormones, getting work done, doing work outs that promote a feminine body, and corset training my figure.

Hi Audian, nice to meet you.

Vicky's advice to talk to someone first is absolutely the best thing to do.  It allows you to sort out the jumble in your own head first, but there is so much information here on the forums and blogs that you may find it helps a lot reading the experience of others. When I joined as questioning, knowing it wasn't just me was a huge step for me to stop being ashamed of my cross dressing and start accepting that it just meant I had to look deeper if I wanted to find out why.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 

10 hours ago, VickySGV said:

A good start is to separate the sex issue from your gender feelings with the help  of a Therapist who is skilled in Gender / Sex counseling.  Sex is a matter of who you want to sleep with, and gender is about who you want to sleep as.

 

Hello Audian, welcome to our forum!  The advice Vicky mentions above is some really good advice.  This would be a top priority for me if I was at the point you are right now.  What a story you have.  I can relate to much of what you have experienced in your life.  Your struggles were my struggles throughout much of my life.

 

Very early in my life, I too lived a completely bisexual existence.  I dressed as both genders off and on.  LIke you, I also found women to be attractive and not men, at least in the same way.  Then at 23, I changed everything almost over nite.  I started dressing as a women every nite and had a girlfriend for most of those years.  Then at 34, I purged everything female and got married, lived straight and raised 3 girls for 22 years.  Then a year ago, I couldn't do it anymore.  I started seeing a counselor.  Then this last Sept. I started transitioning and now have the full support of my wife.  It's been a wild ride but now with help from others including many people here on this forum, I've come to terms with myself.  I hope to read more about your life here on this forum and see where it takes you.  Definitely ask more questions if you need any help.  There's bound to be someone here that has some sound advice.

 

Susan R?

Link to comment

@Audian

 

Same boat here: 53 yrs male, multiple periods of muscle buffness, about a few dozen partners, liking women more than men but having female desires, cross dressing to feel female, realizing I want to be female, discovering it's possible, and then my mind started to change.

 

Suddenly I lost that feeling a male has towards a woman for every woman I have ever fantasized about and was replaced with an **overwhelming** sense of wanting to be them. What was a turn on before has now morphed in to my desire to be (hair, body shape, etc). I have to force myself to think like a man towards a woman, and it no longer feels instinctual. What does now feel instinctual are any thoughts of being female. It's a striking and jarring sensation since i've been thinking "male" my whole life. The more I welcome it the more it makes my brain align along magnetic lines I've ignored for so long.

 

So... talk it out with counselors, and maybe anyone else you feel you can truly trust. Toss those thoughts in the hair and examine them from all sides. Who knows what else you may discover.

 

-cloee

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Cloee said:

Suddenly I lost that feeling a male has towards a woman for every woman I have ever fantasized about and was replaced with an **overwhelming** sense of wanting to be them. What was a turn on before has now morphed in to my desire to be (hair, body shape, etc). I have to force myself to think like a man towards a woman, and it no longer feels instinctual. What does now feel instinctual are any thoughts of being female. It's a striking and jarring sensation since i've been thinking "male" my whole life. The more I welcome it the more it makes my brain align along magnetic lines I've ignored for so long.

Wow, Cloee...this is a great description of what I went through over the last 33 years or so.  I've just never had it described so eloquently...especially the part I selected in bold.  Thank you for your insight.

 

Susan R?

Edited by Dev
Edit: typo correction at Susan's request.
Link to comment

In my personal experience I’ve always approached matters of the heart from a more feminine perspective. I’ve always wanted love, a connection, and never seemed to find what I was looking for. Eventually one day, I found myself treating women as friends and confidants instead of seeing them as potential partners and it was very satisfying for me. Many of them could not understand why I didn’t pursue them and it was because I was rediscovering my true person, but I hesitated to tell them what was going on inside my head. What had once been mistaken on my part as attraction became more a sense of admiration, even sisterhood. Many women are still drawn to me but more as an equal than someone who they want to get physically involved with. I’m often complimented for treating them as a real person instead of a sex object or just a silly woman as they put it. I guess it’s just a part of my personal evolution. Realizing the truth that I’m not meant to keep the traditional male role expected from me, I accepted it and decided to just be content alone. That’s when soon after it’s like something triggered my body and it decided to give me just a little extra push which made me realize I was really female on the inside. I didn’t realize what was happening until I really consciously thought about it and then decided I was not going to fight it. Instead I am embracing this new life and everything it has to offer. Now I’m finding it very natural to shop for makeup, clothes, and other feminine products. Of course I’m window shopping on the internet but it’s still a change from just years ago when I was still trying to fit the male role unsuccessfully. I’m finding my true purpose and person. My journey might not be for everyone in similar circumstances, but it’s for me. I’m much happier with myself on the inside than I was before and that’s how I know I’m headed down the right path. It’s natural.

Link to comment

Reading this topic has reminded me of a comment that a friend made to me when I was a student, more than thirty years ago.  He said that I always wanted to be friends with women, rather than trying to have sex with them.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, I can understand why that was.

 

Robin.

Link to comment

Feels good to hear others feel the same.

 

I've been asking myself lately: who do I want to show up as? When the real question is: who do you show up as now? What parts of your being speak first for any given situation?

 

Be completely honest with yourself to nail that down and you got your truest sense of your core self. In our cases it turns out we've always shown up as female.

 

Funny how no one noticed, right? Shows you what a five o'clock shadow on your face does for the art of perception.

Link to comment

Forgot to add....

 

We are an amalgam of all that we've ever been. Moving forward is best done by admitting all that we are, and trusting in ourselves enough to let our instincts choose who we are going to show up as for any given moment.

 

God, I miss Dr Ruth!

 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 130 Guests (See full list)

    • EasyE
    • Lorelei
    • KathyLauren
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,945
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • EasyE
      So, I jumped on the "E" train last week and am about 10 days into my HRT journey. I have the tiniest patch available. I laughed when I opened it. "This little thing is supposed to give me more feminine characteristics?"   I haven't really felt much of anything so far, not that I expected to at this point. I am really, really tired but that may be other factors (like staying up too late to watch NCAA basketball every night). The one noticeable difference is that my libido seems to be a lot more subdued. Not that I am proud of this, but the big M was a practically a daily part of life for me. My daily comfort and way to get an endorphin hit or just deal with loneliness. The past week, though, has been, "meh." Is that the HRT tamping things down? Or just a normal down cycle for me? Not sure yet. Time will tell.   I have been very quiet about things overall. Only a few people know. No one in my immediate family. I fear the backlash I will get when they find out. Worst- case scenario, my daughters stop talking to me. That would kill me. I hope I can show them over time, "See, I am still me."   Met with my endo on Wednesday. He is good for me to up the dose when I feel comfortable. For now, I think I am going to stand pat and take things nice and slow. Of course, I could see myself tomorrow asking him to send in the script for the higher dose...   I keep asking myself, what is the end game with all of this. Unlike many on here, I don't have a concrete answer yet. I am not convinced I will "go all the way" and change my name and ID, etc. Part of me would love to soldier on just as I am but with a lot more feminine physical characteristics and a more distinctly feminine wardrobe. What does that make me? Non-binary? Not sure.  Again, I am just me, as unorthodox as that is...   All I know is that this is something I want to do. I am comfortable walking this path for now. Again, we'll see. As always, would appreciate any feedback the more experienced folks may have. Blessings to all!    EasyE
    • Ivy
      I grew up with it, my mother's side were Germans.  I still like cabbage.  I make a sweet/sour dish with vinegar and brown sugar, add some bacon if you have it.  And in warmer weather, slaw.  I like that better if it's a few days old, and has worked off a little.
    • Ivy
      Pity that we can't just respect each other and get along.
    • Willow
      Good Friday Morning    I will be spending a good portion of my day at church today.  I don’t know how any of my family would have been with me.  They all passed before I figured myself out.  I often think my mother and sister may have figured it out before I did but maybe it was just my depression that they saw.  I don’t know and never will.  My grandfather Young unconditionally loved me but he passed when I was 9.   Same with my wife’s parents, both gone before.  We’ve never had the greatest relationship with my wife’s brother but we do see them occasionally.  They words and actions aren’t always in sink when it comes to me.   Sour kraut or boil cabbage were never big even with my parents so that was something we were never expected to eat.  Nor was anything with mustard.  My mother hated mustard and it turns my stomach. My wife tried to sneak it into things early in our marriage but I could always tell.  She stopped after a while.   well I wave to go get ready to go to church.  I have a committee meeting at 10 and then we have a Good Friday Service at noon.   Willow
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...