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Apocalypse Girl

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I'm an apocalypse
Grim chaos and heart
Head blown, shreads appart,
Let me assemble the parts
And read on my lips :

" ... "

I was built and I was destroyed
A slave on the altar of a normality cult
An enclave for your measly abuse
A safe, even for a buse
For my humanity is now void
Rebuilt and improvised
Like truth from a tomb
Like a woman painted on the walls of her womb
By an artist that would invent realities
A dead soul carved of fatalities
A fertile soil for my growing lilies

I'm an apocalypse
Dim host of wirms and body parts
Belly blown, flowers, insects and maggots
Let me rest and rot

Read on my lips :

"Hello world"

Was bombed and scorned
Am alone but free
Reimagined, simpler

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That is a deep poem.  When I read it it’s like a war in your soul is going on. It makes me want to first cry then shout for victory!  In the end you built your own world and now you can do what you want with it! Great poem.



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    • KathyLauren
      Hi, Ka, and welcome.   I am sorry to hear that you are struggling, but glad that you are trying to be accepting.  It is a tough journey for the spouses of trans people.  I hope you are looking for support to help you cope, because you have a transition thrust upon you, and you are right that you can't hold it all in.   I do think it is uncool that your spouse didn't share with you his intention to start on T.  We have to include our spouses in our journey.  It is the price of support.  Keeping the relationship together through the stresses of a transition requires good communication both ways.  I know that my wife would never have forgiven me if I had started my transition without telling her.   Do talk with other spouses if you get the chance.  I know it helped my wife to understand what was going on with me and to accept it.   Regards, Kathy
    • Astrid
      Ka, you're post was heartfelt and difficult, emotionally, to read.  It took courage to write it.    I will say that the best thing I did was to involve my spouse immediately after coming out.  From the second session on of gender therapy, we attended all sessions together, which was as helpful for me as for her.    So, if further therapy is a possibility, then I would urge that it involve you both.   Hugs,   Astrid
    • MaryMary
      "the biggest trap is to think we are able to accept such news very quick. The second thing in my opnion is to have empathy" sorry for the mistakes
    • MaryMary
      It's a process. You have to give you time and space to "transition" so to speak. I noticed IRL and in my experience that someone near to transgender people go trough a period of mourning and transition themselves. I think that it's a healthy reflex to give yourself the right to process the news. It will not switch on/off overnight and you are not alone going trough that.   Often we think when we are about to make our coming out that we are alone in this. I know that I was thinking that myself when starting the process. It was actually a surprise to see the amount of support I had. It's a very personnal process a transition and also frought with fear, taboo and apprehension. I don't know him but my guess is that maybe it was emotions such as fear that made him do all of this without speaking about it with others that much.   I think it start with giving yourself the time, the biggest time is to think we are able to accept such news very quick. The second think in my opnion is to have empathy and show him you are here for him. Maybe it will reduce the fear and help and when he'll be ready then he will open up more.   anyway, I hope what I said was of some help. It's a huge thing you did just coming here and writing this. I think it's already an amazing thing you did. Keep it up    
    • ElizabethStar
      I've found myself rethinking my hobbies. I feel a lot of my little projects were nothing more than distractions. I didn't want to come to terms with who I am so I found things to do that I could/would never finish. I have a jacket I had been putting chain mail on, taking off, re-arranging, staring at, remaking over an over for literally 20 years (it wasn't the only thing I made though). I kept telling myself "it's art, it's never done". Than in July, 3 years ago, Around the time I finished it my whole world started to change. I realized I had spent a lifetime sitting at a table with tools in my hands, drinking coffee and not actually living as myself. I just needed to get that out.
    • Shay
      Good idea - calling government or banks or institutions - I'll give it a try and tell you how it goes. Thanks
    • MaryMary
      For me it moved from "he" to "her" at some point without me totally understanding why exactly. One thing to keep in mind is that many people who work in public job will actually be thoughtful and avoid using those pronouns if they are not sure. Maybe that's what you are experiencing. Maybe your voice is now in the "androgynous" range and people are more careful?   It's funny because in french it's very much part of a certain "etiquette". I found out that if I call in more serious institutions like banks or government  they tend to call people "madame" or "monsieur". I don't know if it's like that in the usa? Maybe try that, try calling a bank, lol   anyway, good luck in your quest
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      drum roll please......introducing the all new and improved....Kylie....
    • Shay
      I posted a request on the "achieving Feminine Voice" but I got no responses - I wanted to test my progress on my voice feminization exercises and making random calls to some stores and  a hair salon to see if they think I am female from my voice on the phone. I tried but no one used ma'am or any language to let me know if they thought I was female. I even tried a hair salon and said I'd have to check with my husband about taking me and that didn't work either.   Any experience and how you used phrases or something to draw out if they thought you were a girl?   Thank You,   Shay    
    • Ka
      Hello -   Scanning through the recent posts, I can see I’m in good company.    So. My spouse started identifying as trans last winter - in identity, name and pronouns. He’s already had a double mastectomy for other reasons - and no replacements - and masculine/male clothing came before that.    I just didn’t realize he actually wanted to take T. He went through the thought process, decision, doctor appointment and decision with the doctor without telling me. The prescription was sent to the pharmacy before I knew, and the injection was the next day after he told me. That was a week and a half ago, so there has been a second injection too.    I feel really down on myself for struggling with it all. I feel like I should have realized it was coming and that I should be more at ease with it, because he’s so far along already. I’m determined not to be someone who impedes someone else’s self and happiness. So I try not to talk about my difficulties too much. Then I blurt something out because I’ve stuffed my feelings in and they can’t stay there.    I believe I would be connected with and attracted to him if I met him after transition, but how do you go through letting go of parts of the person you chose before transition?  How do you deal with a difference in the face of someone you’re used to looking at so often?  How do you accept being left out of the process that got him to this point?   Ka
    • Leah
      Me too, Kay. I live alone now, and due to Covid, I'm dressing femme most of every day and night. It has evolved from a turn on to  a habitual and natural part of my normal routine. The thought of HRT has crossed my mind, but at 76 with the entire list of Covid-adverse medical conditions, I doubt they'd Rx it. I'd like to experience the shifts in emotional outlook they talk about. To me, being in a more feminine frame of mind sounds very mellow. My big question is whether these feelings will continue evolving toward increasing femininity, or do they plateau and become my default status quo? Continuing evolution would be good, but the hassles that seem to come with transitioning sound daunting.
    • Confusedconfusedconfused
      100%. I don't feel any rush to make big decisions. I'm seeing a gender specialist now and my first step was to ask my closest friends to refer to me as he/him and Jude. Nothing further until I gain more knowledge and experience.   What you said about rotating, I identify with that a lot. Since having my first realization and beginning to dress like a man (as much as I can right now), I feel my true self coming forward while the parts of me that were "a facade" for lack of a better word, are being pushed back.   Thanks so much for your response. It made things a lot clearer.
    •  Kylie
      @Jackie C. Special Snowflake Skin..love it!   We are actually about to make the trip to the Surgeons office for the big reveal!
    • Leah
      I think it depends on the whole package -- shape, grace, voice etc -- but there are a lot of very much more knowledgeable girls on this forum.  I have never understood the role makeup plays in a pretty girl's look. Ever check the prices? It it made of some exotic minerals found only on incoming asteroids? Every woman -- cis and transitioned -- I've ever known says the same thing. "Go light, barely noticeable, especially during the day." Um... Ok, but why pay so much for something you are trying nearly to disappear? It's all good, though. To me, exploring femininity is like Star Trek. "Boldly go where no man has ever gone before" -- to galaxy "Femme" and the women who have gone before. -- Cheers
    • Jackie C.
      As of this morning's visit with my gynecologist, I've STILL got a little spotting internally (though it's healing well, everything is within normal parameters). Like I said, there was gore everywhere. I have special snowflake skin though and, obviously, mileage may vary. I freaked out my tattoo artist too with how much swelling I can conjure up in a short period of time. That healed super well too. We've all got our little quirks.   I hope you're spared though. There was a while where I was just thinking, "I miss being able to wear my underwear without this stupid pad."   Hugs!
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