Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Dysphoria...


Michelle F

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator
36 minutes ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

I am so thankful to find out that my insurance is one that actually covers all of the Transgender surgeries.

Wow, Amy.  One less thing to worry about.  That makes your transition so much smoother. Finding the best surgeon and waiting for an opening are likely the only thing slowing you down at this point.  Awesome news!

 

Susan R?

Link to comment

That is so cool! Hopefully I will get that lucky. But I am Lucy that my insurance is covering what is does now but it will end in June. Hugs!

Link to comment
43 minutes ago, Susan R said:

Wow, Amy.  One less thing to worry about.  That makes your transition so much smoother. Finding the best surgeon and waiting for an opening are likely the only thing slowing you down at this point.  Awesome news!

 

Susan R?

Thanks.  I already found a good surgeon.  She is 1 of 9 top Transgender surgeons in the US that specializes in all Trans surgeries.  She is in PHX.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

So I am feeling sad and dysphoric right now cause I am wishing that I am a real woman.  I wish that I could have a vigina NOW.  I am hating this birth defect that I have and want it gone.

Link to comment
Just now, Amy LeBlanc said:

So I am feeling sad and dysphoric right now cause I am wishing that I am a real woman.  I wish that I could have a vigina NOW.  I am hating this birth defect that I have and want it gone.

You mean your not??

 

Its in the mind. You believe your a real woman then great things happen.

Just because society and the social constuct exists it doesnt mean you have to subscribe to it.

 

We are what we feel we are and no one can take that away from you. Hold your head up high and be who and what you wanna be.

 

Yes i have bad days. I have -crap- days to. Riddled with dysphoria. However once you relise its just a mind game you play on yourself it all floats away.

 

Then have been days ive looked in that mirror and i just see man. But i have learnt that once i go out. No one looks. No one points and giggles. Its just me seeing what i am being drawn to and not what society sees. The mind likes to play tricks on us and we have been programmed to think. that it knows all. But it doesnt. Its just one perspective.

 

Just because you have a vagina that doesnt make you a woman. The maketh of the woman is in the mind and not the sex.

 

Sex and gender so we are told by people more clever than ourselves are two completly diffrent things

Link to comment

While we are on the subject of Dysphoria.

 

Let me tell you its a cruel mistress. For me it was and still trys to be but I dont know if its age or life expreiances or even the making of my Essence. Makes it much harder to show its self..  Dont get me wrong at the start it was strong. It tried to ruin me.

 

The darker side of dysphoria pops it head up once in a while just to try and tells me things that  it wants me to believe. trying to put me down on my knees once again and submit to its presense. Trying to make me hate myself by feeding on my insecurities . It trys many tricks. Ill be honest with you and ive never wrote this down anywhere before but mine trys to convince me i look like Reggie Kray. For those who dont know who he is. Check out the picture at the bottom. For a while i actually believed it and submitted to its calls. Which were among things such as " You look  like a man, You are not female and dont look act or present yourself as such, Your a freak"

 

Let me tell you something. The hormones do help. But that isnt the begin all and end all. Its just a weaapon in the fight against it. many of the tools are already there. You just have to train yourself to not submit to it calling

 

For me its still there. I guess it will always be but now i just make it sit in the corner. It still thinks its its in charge but being honest it doesnt have a clue.

 

2093315255_regmaid.jpg.3836bb2e162f890fc086fcfaa0d4437e.jpg

 

It makes me feel better to see the diffrence between me and Reggie Kray.

 

 

Link to comment

Hey Amy, 

i was all over this last week. I was sure I was a guy. I was convinced things weren’t changing. I was so depressed I was really thinking about hurting myself. 

But things turned around. We are both in our shifting phase. Your brain is very female now. But your body’s still catching up. As are the people around us. So we get misgendered, we get stares, we have self confidence issues, and we tend to have a lot of ups and downs. The downs suck. But without them the ups wouldn’t be so great! 

Hang in there hun. You’ll get there. The feelings will go away. You’ll  see more and more Amy every day and that’s not slowing down. Just think back to the other day being at your fair looking so awesome in that dress!!! All I saw there was a happy beautiful girl having a wonderful time! That’s YOU!!! It’s hard to remember sometimes. But it is. And you can’t forget! Even when it’s hard. 

❤️❤️

Link to comment

Thank you all.  It is funny how your mind can change this fast.

 

@Kirsten Thank you for reminding me about Ren. Faire.  I was so happy and glad to be me and felt so beautiful.  But I just cannot believe how I woke up from a dream where I was a real woman with a vigina, the reproductive organs, breast, nice feminine body and then when I was up, it hit me that I have this birth defect and threw me into a dysphoric state and started to feel sad.

Link to comment
  • Admin

I hope this will help, but if it really sets someone off, I am sorry.  I am post-op for 6 years last month, and while not sorry in the least for having it, I have now learned that it is not holy grail that many consider it to be.  There are a lot of reasons, of which the daily maintenance is one, and the fact that after a few weeks of adoration by others who claim you are so brave and heroic as you are reaching for pain med's but shortly afterwards turn you  from hero to whiner and a "WHO CARES" case is one more reason just off the top of my mind.   

 

Yoiu do not have a single goal in Transition, you have many individual steps, each of which can help you on a day to day basis.  I actually count my legal Name Change as one of the truly large moments above my GCS, (I know, heresy).   Even larger than that was the daily realization that internally I was not changing all the much, but I was stripping off armor, like a lobster shedding its exoskeleton and being terribly vulnerable for a while on a regular basis.  An example is that for @Amy LeBlanc, she has not changed from being the Rennaisance Lady that she always has been, but she no longer had to guard and shelter that real part of her.  Once done, it cannot be un-done.  If Dysphoria leads you to shedding one layer of protection for who you have always been, it is doing its job the right way.  Look at it as a friend that way and you actually look forward to the next tine it pushes you to make a decision or a move toward your personal realness.    

Link to comment
43 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

I hope this will help, but if it really sets someone off, I am sorry.  I am post-op for 6 years last month, and while not sorry in the least for having it, I have now learned that it is not holy grail that many consider it to be.  There are a lot of reasons, of which the daily maintenance is one, and the fact that after a few weeks of adoration by others who claim you are so brave and heroic as you are reaching for pain med's but shortly afterwards turn you  from hero to whiner and a "WHO CARES" case is one more reason just off the top of my mind.   

 

Yoiu do not have a single goal in Transition, you have many individual steps, each of which can help you on a day to day basis.  I actually count my legal Name Change as one of the truly large moments above my GCS, (I know, heresy).   Even larger than that was the daily realization that internally I was not changing all the much, but I was stripping off armor, like a lobster shedding its exoskeleton and being terribly vulnerable for a while on a regular basis.  An example is that for @Amy LeBlanc, she has not changed from being the Rennaisance Lady that she always has been, but she no longer had to guard and shelter that real part of her.  Once done, it cannot be un-done.  If Dysphoria leads you to shedding one layer of protection for who you have always been, it is doing its job the right way.  Look at it as a friend that way and you actually look forward to the next tine it pushes you to make a decision or a move toward your personal realness.    

 

Thank You Vicky so much.  I do look for the shedding of the next big milestone.  I did look at my legal name change as the big milestone.  I am looking at FFS as the next big milestone.  I cannot afford everything in one big go, so I will need to break it up in 2 parts.  I am glad that the doctor also saw the same thing as me with my Jaw / Chin and nose which would be the 2x things that really cause my dysphoria.

 

I can also say that I do flip flop on GCS.  As I talked to my therapist about GCS once, she also said that if I am flipping on GCS alot, then it will not help me if I rush in on GCS.  Cause it is all a matter of what's in your mind and making sure to keep my mind straight and thinking clearly.  So my therapist even said GCS is a NO for me.  

 

Now for FFS, my therapist can see that FFS will help me and will be the right choice and even if I stay with the Jaw / Chin and nose and not do the rest as the doctor pointed out I would be fine.

 

So I know deep down that FFS will help me.  But as for GCS with flipping alot, it's a NO and I will regret GCS.

 

But I am glad to have friends to talk to and help to make certain that I keeping my mind clear and not going to regret anything.  So far, I can say I have had no regrets.

Link to comment

Looking through some of my pictures is helping me out.  I am happy with the advice that Kristen gave with how I looked in my Renaissance Dress and it has made me happy again.  I then found this picture that I took of me and just feel in love with myself once again and feeling happy.  I love my outfit style, I look very feminine in it and it does also hide my stomach but yet it shows off my hips that I have and my booty along with my small breast.

 

I love this picture alot and I have a pretty good feminine pose as well.

 

 

20190201_130451.jpg

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I hate this...

 

Electrolysis at 5... I have to go to town. Only way is on bus...

 

I WILL be misgendered because gray beard is as though there is a magnifying glass on my face.

 

I AM FREEKING OUT! 

Link to comment
Just now, Michelle F said:

I hate this...

 

Electrolysis at 5... I have to go to town. Only way is on bus...

 

I WILL be misgendered because gray beard is as though there is a magnifying glass on my face.

 

I AM FREEKING OUT! 

 

Hang in Michelle.  I know how you feel.  I hate it when I have to go out and have not shaved either cause you have an electrolysis appt.

Link to comment

sigh...

 

That, My dear Kirsten, is the pay off!!!

 

I can tell y'all this much!!!

 

I have a new disguise. What is kewl is it is numbing my face and hiding beard at same time. I'll explain after treatment to fill y'all in

Link to comment

Sheesh... This is going to take a year or more. Basically 1 square inch a week.

 

My face looks like a failed crop circle!

 

I'd pull My hair out but it's a wig; it would just come off!

>screaming<

?

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Early this week, I was in some deep dysphoria with depression and felt like I could not get out.  Now want to share a picture of me recently and looking at myself now, there is no way that I am a man.  I am defiantly not a man and never was.  I have always seen myself as a girl.  I am loving the way how my hair is looking on me.

 

 

20190307_033151.jpg

Link to comment

Just had my 4th electrolysis treatment today.

 

Had a very cool incident after my treatment. I had forgotten a razor to clean up a bit afterwards. I walked out rather self conscious and totally focused on that patch of beard that was visible. Catching the bus is horrible when I am unshaven. Especially children...

 

"Mommy? Why does that woman have a beard?" Just horrible!

 

I have one transfer to get home from Clinic. I reached my transfer point and was preparing to walk across street to catch my transfer.

 

I was wearing a turquoise shorty blouse, black leggings and my 4" black booties with a gray long sweater and my Liz Claiborne Brick Red Purse.

 

This woman walked up on me and said out if the blue, "That is a cute outfit." I was flabbergasted! Utterly gobsmacked! All of a sudden I forgot all about that patch of hair on my face and held my head high. I pretty much strutted all the way home from there. 

 

I felt confident, vindicated and validated all at the same time! Absolutely amazing feeling!

 

I can't wait to tell my therapist tomorrow!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 103 Guests (See full list)

    • Mirrabooka
    • MaeBe
    • Ivy
    • MaryEllen
    • VickySGV
    • Pip
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.8k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,011
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Zoe Denise
    Newest Member
    Zoe Denise
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. 777fleetleader777
      777fleetleader777
      (21 years old)
    2. ArinHallm3
      ArinHallm3
      (18 years old)
    3. ITakMyTime
      ITakMyTime
      (70 years old)
    4. Jess31
      Jess31
      (40 years old)
    5. Natalie71645
      Natalie71645
      (39 years old)
  • Posts

    • Mirrabooka
      So do I! You look terrific, @MaeBe!
    • MaeBe
      Aww, shucks! Thank you, @Ashley0616 and @Timi! I find taking a picture of myself so difficult. 
    • Timi
    • Ashley0616
      You're pretty! It's nice to see a face.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm very glad that everything worked out even better than you thought. It's a tough spot to be in and I know the exact feelings. I'm still waiting to apply for divorce under abandonment so I officially can meet someone who one day I can call someone my prince or my queen. Although the desire for someone is fading because of everything. it's even more amazing that she was your high school sweetheart! Looking forward to the next entry.
    • Ivy
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been a good long day for me.Got everything done I worked on.Been getting customers that want me to work on their trucks only and my boss is cool about it.A construction company,seen I do good work and do not leave a grease mark in the interior.I keep tub o towels on my tool box.Had a good supper when I got home,a grilled pork steak with a potatoe and green beans
    • Betty K
      Awww thanks for listening everyone. I have another 5-6 songs in this style that I started recording at the same time, so hopefully I’ll finish the next release soon.   Yes, exactly. Everything was easier about this project, mainly because it felt authentic. The energy was very different, because it was such a pleasure to express myself without a filter. I laughed a lot. 
    • Betty K
      Thanks for listening @Mmindy.   You’re welcome @April Marie. I think Sally Can’t Dance is an underrated album.
    • KymmieL
      Well I had an interview with the local Ford Dealership for an opening in the parts dept. It sounded positive. I was told I would here by tomorrow morning.    Other than that just sticking around the house. I haven't done much, the weather is cold and yucky. Doesn't look like good weather till Sunday. Maybe tomorrow I'll fire up the heater in the garage and see about getting the other brake hose put on the Explorer.   Have a good rest of your day/evening.   Hugs, Kymmie
    • MaeBe
      Maybe they called me he/him at the dealership because I completely forgot my mascara! Eyeliner without mascara…a bold new trend among the helplessly lost! :)   Fixed that! 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Ah. Email from Gibson. [it was actually less legible than this, as he didn't use punctuation, it was all caps, and he ran all his words together. Taylor was used to it.   T - As everyone was under my super. this last year, don't worry about the evals. I will handle it. Send all email about new proposals to me, your unit handles work under way.  You will be involved but the first step is those go to me. Thanks   Here is an outline of what questions I want to see answered tomorrow.  Feel free to just jot down your thoughts.  If you don't know, say so and maybe point to how we can find that out............   Your new position will seem very challenging for a while but I am sure you can handle it.  Everyone has the utmost confidence in you.   PS your performance evaluation will be stellar, as reflected in your new position and compensation.  You get 100. One less thing to worry about.   Taylor sent him 45 emails right after that, gave some thought to the questions, and then had to turn to one of the proposals under way and review it.  That done, she read through the personnel files on her people so she would better understand them and what they could do. There was a very thin folder with her name on it.  It had one piece of paper on it. On it was written "the best!".  The others were thicker but didn't take long either, and she returned to answering the questions.   
    • Sally Stone
      Post 5 “Coming out to My Significant Other”   My wife and I were high school sweethearts and after 40 plus years of marriage we are still soulmates.  Yes, I consider myself lucky, but we also worked hard to stay sweethearts, and my transgender nature was one of the things that required a lot of hard work to reconcile.    Back when I realized she was the girl I was going to marry, I was still struggling with gender identity, and up to that point I had kept this guarded secret from her.  I wondered how I was going to tell her, and I pondered the timing.  I had already decided she needed to know before I would feel comfortable asking her to marry me.  I was absolutely terrified that when she learned about my gender identity issues, it would scare her off.  Despite my deep concern, I just knew in my heart, I couldn’t keep the truth from her.   In my case, I never thought a relationship with a girl, or marriage to a girl would somehow cure my gender dysphoria.  In fact, the blossoming of our relationship didn’t mute or minimize my gender confusion one bit, so my desire to keep dressing like a girl remained strong.  I actually considered not telling her at all, but I already knew this wasn’t a passing phase, so kicking the proverbial can down the road didn’t make sense to me.    Since I was committed to revealing my secret, I pondered how to initiate the conversation?  Obviously, I would tell her that I enjoyed dressing and looking like a girl, so part of the conversation would be about crossdressing.  The fact that I cross-dressed was the easier part of the conversation and it would make clear to her what I was doing, but the harder part would be explaining why; because, at that time in my life, I had no idea why I was feeling like I was a girl.  Still, I felt a partial explanation was better than none at all and if she could accept the crossdressing part initially, maybe she and I could explore the deeper meaning, together.    Telling my fiancé I was a crossdresser seemed the simplest explanation at the time.  All that remained was the timing and this is when a situation arose that I hoped would be the perfect setup for my big reveal.  She and I were going to a friend’s party, and on the weekend it was to take place, my fiancé’s parents were out of town.  I casually mentioned that I thought it would be a “goof” to show up at the party dressed like a girl.  Much to my joy and surprise, she thought it was a super idea.  In fact, her enthusiasm for the idea was more than I could have hoped for.  With her parents out of town, we had her house to use for my transformation.    At the time, I had my own stash of girl’s clothing, but admitting to this would have revealed too much.  Besides, she had already started planning my wardrobe for me and I was certain her efforts would be much better than anything my feeble stash might result in.  I couldn’t have been more correct and after she dressed me and did my makeup, I looked more like a girl than I ever had before.  In fact, my new appearance was so striking, I could barely contain my joy.  Of course, this was supposed to be a “goof” so, I did my level best to hide the excitement I was feeling inside.  While I was elated being dressed and out in public, I was absolutely terrified at the same time.  Consequently, showing up at the party was a lot more difficult for me than I had imagined.  Ultimately, everyone got a big kick out of me, and that did help to relax me a little.  However, I had vowed to come clean to my fiancé at some point during the evening, so I remained uncomfortably anxious.   Later, and after a few drinks, I had mustered up the courage to reveal my secret to my future wife.  I pulled her aside and had her follow me to a quiet room upstairs.  Alone together, I began trying to explain my feelings, which as I recall revolved mostly around my desire to dress like a girl.  I did tell her my feelings were more complex, but I think she latched onto the fact that I was a guy who enjoyed looking like a girl on occasion.  I was extremely emotional as we talked, but she comforted me and told me it didn’t change her feelings for me.   I have to say having that conversation with my fiancé that night was the best decision I ever made.  It ensured we would face the future together without secrets or deceit. I know it strengthened our relationship. Of course, my wife really didn’t have any idea what she was signing up for when she agreed to support my transgender nature.  It would be like riding a roller coaster, lots of ups and quite a few downs, but the fact that she knew about me before we got married, made the ride a lot smoother than it could have been.   Hugs,   Sally
    • Maddee
    • rachel w
      Thank you    Here is a up date all went well was back home by noon time feeling really good just chilling out,  I was able to kind of get my sister on board with me and it feels so good she is trying and i told her I am very proud of her to try to under stand she wants to no know so that is a step forward. she also drove me to the hospital.  thank you all for just being here
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...