Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Dysphoria...


Michelle F

Recommended Posts

I get it now... I can't stop crying. It's 6am...

I am supposed to be going out the door to go to local church food Bank. I don't get paid for another week. We're short this month due to upgrading to larger apartment. Getting a kitchen finally...

 

I also have a facial electrolysis procedure to attend this morning. I am crying because I can't shave due to treatment and I refuse to stand for two hours in a 20-1, mex to White, non-English speaking, hostile environment for two hours alone with people staring at the large breasted, bearded freak trying to look like a woman...

 

Been there! Done that! Not going back!

 

So... My dysphoria is now negatively affect another. Shawn goes hungry because the bearded freak is a scaredy-cat. Weakminded Chick-With-A-Dxxx!!!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm sorry you are going through that Michelle.  Time will help.  I only know that because i've faced similar situations.  Some folks would say to simply not care what others thought or said but that is very hard to do!  Try to remember a new kitchen will make it better.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hugs Michelle,

 

Electrolysis grow out days are the worst, we've been there, it can be darn right dysphoric and painful.

 

Like Mary, I am sending you positive energy, and may you find the inner strength to get done what needs to be done.

 

C -

Link to comment

Thanks all. Shawn is blessing. I truly believe God placed him in my path. We are at the church...

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm so sorry, Michelle.  I hope the rest of your day is smoother.  I agree with your statement and also think God plays a major role in our lives.  I'm glad Shawn is in your life and is someone you can count on for support.  We all need someone like that.  

 

TC,

Susan R?

Link to comment

Food collected... I am at Transgender Health And Wellness Center. Numbing cream applied... I've stopped crying. Still feeling weird though...

 

I'm next and I can't feel my chin LoL

 

Thanks y'all... It's wonderful having every one of you for support. Thank you soooooo much!!!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
8 hours ago, Michelle F said:

Food collected... I am at Trasgender Health And Wellness Center. Numbing cream applied... I've stopped crying. Still feeling weird though...

 

I'm next and I can't feel my chin LoL

 

Thanks y'all... It's wonderful having every one of you for support. Thank you soooooo much!!!

 

Glad to read this above Michelle

 

Tomorrow is another day, and keep on keeping on...

 

Hugs

 

C -

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

It's a steady plod intermixed with points of stress or excitement. Keep going Michelle. Most things work out better than we think.

 

Tracy

Link to comment

Oh. My. Gawd.

 

I just learned my Ins will cover Hair Prosthetics!

 

WIGS!

 

I mentioned to my Therapist that replacing My daily wear synthetic wigs are getting expensive. They only last 4 to 6 months with daily wear. I made it clear they do wear out. They get matted no matter what you do. I am meticulous in my care of them.

 

I told him the human hair wigs I would wear are very pricy. I don't do short! He said no worries. I got your back. Then he moved my next appointment up two weeks from 13th to 31st. OMG... I just check. An entire new appointment was added..!

 

Wow... Talk about A major dysphoria relief!

 

Wholey Chit Mon!

 

Goan make me talk all jaw make en mon!!!

(my best impression of a Jamaican dude. ROFL. The funny part is when I try to say it out loud it totally sounds like a chick trying her damndest to sound like a RASTA dude ... Like, Totally girly!)

Edited by Cyndee
Fixed typo per OP - C
Link to comment

So I am getting excited for my consultation on FFS but my dysphoria is kicking my butt with how much I hate seeing my face the way it is.  I am starting to hate to see my face in the mirror right now.  Its like when I look at myself in the mirror, I am not seeing me and it does not feel right.

 

What do I do with trying to get by for know while waiting for FFS?

Link to comment

If you have your FFS scheduled then take solace in knowing it will be taken care of soon. Try not to dwell on aspects that are beyond your control. Getting the surgery scheduled was in your control and it’s done. The next thing under your control is showing up when it is time.

Link to comment

So the first thing I have to say is that I am having some extreme dysphoria.  It felt like I am having a panic attack and anexisity attack both.  I am right now hurting cause I have fallen into comparing myself to others that are transitioning as well which I have told myself time and time again not to, cause I know everyone's transition is different.  But I find myself wishing to be beautiful and able to pass but I dont see myself as passable.  I have seen some beautiful Trans Females that say they have only been on hormones for 10 months and they are totally passable and yet here I am on hormones for a 1 year and feel like that I have hit a platue and that I still look to male.

 

I am not seeing any changes happening.  I know that I should not compare myself to others, but just sometimes it just hits me.  I have been following my doctor's orders and my T levels are very super low now where they are in the single digits and my E levels are up in the 500 range.  I have successfully changed my eating habits, my diet, my exercise.  But I feel it is not enough.  I have started voice lessons, I have been improving my walk, my posture, my mannerism, my demeanor.  But I feel that it is not enough.  I dislike the way how I look.

 

My dysphoria is really getting to me where all I want to do is shut myself away from everyone and just hide.

 

I just dont know what to do.  I keep telling myself not to compare myself to others.  We all have a different journey and I know that puberty is a long process.  But I just dont know what to do right now. 

 

 

Link to comment

Hey there Amy. If you haven't already, I would talk to your therapist more about it. I kinda know how you feel because I feel the same way sometimes but I keep telling myself that in time and with some medical intervention, I will hopefully look somewhat like I want to. Keep you head up and keep looking forward my friend. Be patient and it will work out in the end. Big hugs!!!!!!!!❤

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Transition is hard, transition tests you, transition forces you to adjust. Perceptions are everything, most of this is self created, so how to calm the turbulence ? I used mindfulness myself, it worked in training the mind in how to let go, like I seem to find myself repeating this line over and over here on our forums "free your mind instead", but it's true and a recipe to long term happiness. Your feelings are like a river flowing above your head, you can choose to allow those feelings to enter your conscience, or you can let them flow by. My good friend Charlize here reminds us to use the "serenity prayer", if you are so inclined. " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference". There is so much truth in these words Amy. Your long term happiness is at stake, this is a journey of years, finding your own coping mechanisms will serve you well. Treat yourself to something nice today, be kind to yourself, you are special, you are beautiful.

 

Hugs

 

Cynthia -

Link to comment

Hey Amy. Sorry you’re having a tough time. You are right in saying that you can’t compare yourself to others. I find myself doing the same thing at times. And like you, it gets me down. It’s these times when I try to tell myself that I am not transitioning to be a female. I am transitioning to be myself. At this time last year I had no breast tissue. I had only men’s clothes. I was not wearing makeup. I was bald. I was unhappy and totally not myself. Now I may not be pretty but I am me. I get to do the things I want to look how I want. I can wear a dress. Or makeup. And I almost have cleavage! These little things are what keep me looking forward when it comes to how I look. 

Another way I try to look at it is that trans is just a word. A word that really means nothing. I am trans yes, but I am more me than trans. So I do what makes me.... well me. I don’t expect to be anything except me. 

Where my dysphoria comes in is more about my role in society. Where I fit in. Who I am supposed to hang out with. What activities I should or should not be involved in. Every person looks different in this world. Some cis women look masculine. Some cis men look feminine. Barring surgeries we have no control over these things so best not to dwell on them if you can. 

I don’t know if this will help at all, but know that you aren’t alone. 

Link to comment

Thank You everyone.  I am looking forward to going to TSAZ (Trans Spectrum Arizona) tomorrow.  I plan on talking to one of the facilitators tomorrow on a 1 on 1 before or after the group.  TSAZ is a very big but wonderful group.  Checkout their website or even their Facebook page.

 

I am trying to not let others get me down, and I know that everyone transitions differently.  But for whatever reason when I see how beautiful they are is when my dysphoria comes up.

 

But I can still say that I love the fact that I am myself and living as myself.  OMG do I love and I mean LOVE wearing the nice A line flowy skirts and the nice A line flowy dresses that go down to my knees.  Then I just love putting on makeup.  I just dislike right now that I am still showing masculine features and I feel like I have hit a plautue.

 

Thank you all.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 1/24/2019 at 7:51 AM, RithiaAllen said:

Try not to dwell on aspects that are beyond your control. Getting the surgery scheduled was in your control and it’s done. The next thing under your control is showing up when it is time.

Rithia, this is some great advice..especially in this situation.  So many things in life are out of our immediate control.  This is exactly how I think when dealing with issues like this and trying to reduce the stress surrounding it. 

 

Susan R?

Link to comment
On 1/23/2019 at 11:34 PM, Michelle F said:

... a RASTA dude .. Like, Totally girly!)

t...this is supposed to say RASTA dude not taste dude

 

This is why we need editing.

 

 

It sounds like I was tasting a dude...

 

Not possible... I am lesbian!

Link to comment

I'm so sorry, Amy!

 

I dont' mean to diminish your issue.

 

I am having my own DYSPHORIC episode over this "not able to edit typos" thing. I tried three times to. Correct taste v Rasta. It would not change. No edit function so now the taste dude is in stone.

 

I HATE THAT!

 

It is really bothering me

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
Just now, Michelle F said:

t...this is supposed to say RASTA dude not taste dude

 

This is why we need editing.

 

 

It sounds like I was tasting a dude...

 

Not possible... I am lesbian!

 

Mod squad to the rescue,

 

We can't let that typo stand Michelle :o

Link to comment

My dysphoria is still there.  But going to TSAZ really helped.  So I feel better.  Ii just love going to group

 

 

Link to comment

I am so thankful to find out that my insurance is one that actually covers all of the Transgender surgeries.  My face is one of my biggest areas of dysphoria cause it's the one that people see and I just feel uncomfortable with having mixed areas of my face showing male and female.  It's my nose and jaw / chin that is the biggest dead give away on me and I cannot wait till I schedule my FFS and get it done.  This will help me out alot.

 

The next area of biggest dysphoria to me is my birth defect as I call it.  I still have the same dream on just getting rid of it.  But since I am able to tuck and hide it very well.  The FFS is the first surgery that I want done to help me out.

 

Lots of Love

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 88 Guests (See full list)

    • Betty K
    • MaybeRob
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      Hi!   That was probably hard to write and then read and say, did I really write that?  Been there.   I'm glad you call it a journey.  It is.  One step at a time, and sometimes two steps forward, one back.    Abby
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Violet! We glad you found us! No one here will judge you. Each of us is unique yet we all share some similarities. And many of us are in the relative early stages of self-discovery.   Take time to wander the sections of the forums. You’ll find lots of information and ideas.   Ask questions if you feel comfortable. You will find lots of people willing to share their experiences.   Is it possible for you to possibly work with a gender therapist? Many of us have found that to be extremely helpful in finding our identity and out true selves.   Just jump in. We don’t bite! We’ve all been in some version of where you are.
    • April Marie
      Literally. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Did great with the kids
    • Sally Stone
      That's me too, Mae.  I don't think it's me as much as it is the camera (that's my story anyway).  Cameras hate me.  I never met one that liked me.  I often wish I was photogenic; sadly, not so much.   However, you look terrific in that selfie! 
    • Sally Stone
      April, I'm so glad things went well when you came out to your spouse.  So often, things can go sideways.  It's a hurdle we all have to jump at some point.
    • violet r
      I totally understand what you just said. I can relate to this very well. I have a lot.of similar feelings.
    • KymmieL
      Well it is a no go for the new position. OH, well. nothing ventured nothing gained.   Kymmie
    • Davie
      Dickey Betts, the singer, songwriter, and guitarist of the Allman Brothers Band whose piercing solos, beloved songs and hell-raising spirit defined the band and Southern rock in general, died Thursday morning 04/18/2024 at the age of 80. Rest in peace...
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...