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Michelle F

Dysphoria...

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Amy LeBlanc

I am so thankful to find out that my insurance is one that actually covers all of the Transgender surgeries.  My face is one of my biggest areas of dysphoria cause it's the one that people see and I just feel uncomfortable with having mixed areas of my face showing male and female.  It's my nose and jaw / chin that is the biggest dead give away on me and I cannot wait till I schedule my FFS and get it done.  This will help me out alot.

 

The next area of biggest dysphoria to me is my birth defect as I call it.  I still have the same dream on just getting rid of it.  But since I am able to tuck and hide it very well.  The FFS is the first surgery that I want done to help me out.

 

Lots of Love

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Susan R
36 minutes ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

I am so thankful to find out that my insurance is one that actually covers all of the Transgender surgeries.

Wow, Amy.  One less thing to worry about.  That makes your transition so much smoother. Finding the best surgeon and waiting for an opening are likely the only thing slowing you down at this point.  Awesome news!

 

Susan R🌷

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Susan

That is so cool! Hopefully I will get that lucky. But I am Lucy that my insurance is covering what is does now but it will end in June. Hugs!

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Amy LeBlanc
43 minutes ago, Susan R said:

Wow, Amy.  One less thing to worry about.  That makes your transition so much smoother. Finding the best surgeon and waiting for an opening are likely the only thing slowing you down at this point.  Awesome news!

 

Susan R🌷

Thanks.  I already found a good surgeon.  She is 1 of 9 top Transgender surgeons in the US that specializes in all Trans surgeries.  She is in PHX.

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Amy LeBlanc

So I am feeling sad and dysphoric right now cause I am wishing that I am a real woman.  I wish that I could have a vigina NOW.  I am hating this birth defect that I have and want it gone.

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Maid In Bedlam
Just now, Amy LeBlanc said:

So I am feeling sad and dysphoric right now cause I am wishing that I am a real woman.  I wish that I could have a vigina NOW.  I am hating this birth defect that I have and want it gone.

You mean your not??

 

Its in the mind. You believe your a real woman then great things happen.

Just because society and the social constuct exists it doesnt mean you have to subscribe to it.

 

We are what we feel we are and no one can take that away from you. Hold your head up high and be who and what you wanna be.

 

Yes i have bad days. I have -crap- days to. Riddled with dysphoria. However once you relise its just a mind game you play on yourself it all floats away.

 

Then have been days ive looked in that mirror and i just see man. But i have learnt that once i go out. No one looks. No one points and giggles. Its just me seeing what i am being drawn to and not what society sees. The mind likes to play tricks on us and we have been programmed to think. that it knows all. But it doesnt. Its just one perspective.

 

Just because you have a vagina that doesnt make you a woman. The maketh of the woman is in the mind and not the sex.

 

Sex and gender so we are told by people more clever than ourselves are two completly diffrent things

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Maid In Bedlam

While we are on the subject of Dysphoria.

 

Let me tell you its a cruel mistress. For me it was and still trys to be but I dont know if its age or life expreiances or even the making of my Essence. Makes it much harder to show its self..  Dont get me wrong at the start it was strong. It tried to ruin me.

 

The darker side of dysphoria pops it head up once in a while just to try and tells me things that  it wants me to believe. trying to put me down on my knees once again and submit to its presense. Trying to make me hate myself by feeding on my insecurities . It trys many tricks. Ill be honest with you and ive never wrote this down anywhere before but mine trys to convince me i look like Reggie Kray. For those who dont know who he is. Check out the picture at the bottom. For a while i actually believed it and submitted to its calls. Which were among things such as " You look  like a man, You are not female and dont look act or present yourself as such, Your a freak"

 

Let me tell you something. The hormones do help. But that isnt the begin all and end all. Its just a weaapon in the fight against it. many of the tools are already there. You just have to train yourself to not submit to it calling

 

For me its still there. I guess it will always be but now i just make it sit in the corner. It still thinks its its in charge but being honest it doesnt have a clue.

 

2093315255_regmaid.jpg.3836bb2e162f890fc086fcfaa0d4437e.jpg

 

It makes me feel better to see the diffrence between me and Reggie Kray.

 

 

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Kirsten

Hey Amy, 

i was all over this last week. I was sure I was a guy. I was convinced things weren’t changing. I was so depressed I was really thinking about hurting myself. 

But things turned around. We are both in our shifting phase. Your brain is very female now. But your body’s still catching up. As are the people around us. So we get misgendered, we get stares, we have self confidence issues, and we tend to have a lot of ups and downs. The downs suck. But without them the ups wouldn’t be so great! 

Hang in there hun. You’ll get there. The feelings will go away. You’ll  see more and more Amy every day and that’s not slowing down. Just think back to the other day being at your fair looking so awesome in that dress!!! All I saw there was a happy beautiful girl having a wonderful time! That’s YOU!!! It’s hard to remember sometimes. But it is. And you can’t forget! Even when it’s hard. 

❤️❤️

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Amy LeBlanc

Thank you all.  It is funny how your mind can change this fast.

 

@Kirsten Thank you for reminding me about Ren. Faire.  I was so happy and glad to be me and felt so beautiful.  But I just cannot believe how I woke up from a dream where I was a real woman with a vigina, the reproductive organs, breast, nice feminine body and then when I was up, it hit me that I have this birth defect and threw me into a dysphoric state and started to feel sad.

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VickySGV

I hope this will help, but if it really sets someone off, I am sorry.  I am post-op for 6 years last month, and while not sorry in the least for having it, I have now learned that it is not holy grail that many consider it to be.  There are a lot of reasons, of which the daily maintenance is one, and the fact that after a few weeks of adoration by others who claim you are so brave and heroic as you are reaching for pain med's but shortly afterwards turn you  from hero to whiner and a "WHO CARES" case is one more reason just off the top of my mind.   

 

Yoiu do not have a single goal in Transition, you have many individual steps, each of which can help you on a day to day basis.  I actually count my legal Name Change as one of the truly large moments above my GCS, (I know, heresy).   Even larger than that was the daily realization that internally I was not changing all the much, but I was stripping off armor, like a lobster shedding its exoskeleton and being terribly vulnerable for a while on a regular basis.  An example is that for @Amy LeBlanc, she has not changed from being the Rennaisance Lady that she always has been, but she no longer had to guard and shelter that real part of her.  Once done, it cannot be un-done.  If Dysphoria leads you to shedding one layer of protection for who you have always been, it is doing its job the right way.  Look at it as a friend that way and you actually look forward to the next tine it pushes you to make a decision or a move toward your personal realness.    

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Susan

That is some really great advice vicky.

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Amy LeBlanc
43 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

I hope this will help, but if it really sets someone off, I am sorry.  I am post-op for 6 years last month, and while not sorry in the least for having it, I have now learned that it is not holy grail that many consider it to be.  There are a lot of reasons, of which the daily maintenance is one, and the fact that after a few weeks of adoration by others who claim you are so brave and heroic as you are reaching for pain med's but shortly afterwards turn you  from hero to whiner and a "WHO CARES" case is one more reason just off the top of my mind.   

 

Yoiu do not have a single goal in Transition, you have many individual steps, each of which can help you on a day to day basis.  I actually count my legal Name Change as one of the truly large moments above my GCS, (I know, heresy).   Even larger than that was the daily realization that internally I was not changing all the much, but I was stripping off armor, like a lobster shedding its exoskeleton and being terribly vulnerable for a while on a regular basis.  An example is that for @Amy LeBlanc, she has not changed from being the Rennaisance Lady that she always has been, but she no longer had to guard and shelter that real part of her.  Once done, it cannot be un-done.  If Dysphoria leads you to shedding one layer of protection for who you have always been, it is doing its job the right way.  Look at it as a friend that way and you actually look forward to the next tine it pushes you to make a decision or a move toward your personal realness.    

 

Thank You Vicky so much.  I do look for the shedding of the next big milestone.  I did look at my legal name change as the big milestone.  I am looking at FFS as the next big milestone.  I cannot afford everything in one big go, so I will need to break it up in 2 parts.  I am glad that the doctor also saw the same thing as me with my Jaw / Chin and nose which would be the 2x things that really cause my dysphoria.

 

I can also say that I do flip flop on GCS.  As I talked to my therapist about GCS once, she also said that if I am flipping on GCS alot, then it will not help me if I rush in on GCS.  Cause it is all a matter of what's in your mind and making sure to keep my mind straight and thinking clearly.  So my therapist even said GCS is a NO for me.  

 

Now for FFS, my therapist can see that FFS will help me and will be the right choice and even if I stay with the Jaw / Chin and nose and not do the rest as the doctor pointed out I would be fine.

 

So I know deep down that FFS will help me.  But as for GCS with flipping alot, it's a NO and I will regret GCS.

 

But I am glad to have friends to talk to and help to make certain that I keeping my mind clear and not going to regret anything.  So far, I can say I have had no regrets.

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Amy LeBlanc

Looking through some of my pictures is helping me out.  I am happy with the advice that Kristen gave with how I looked in my Renaissance Dress and it has made me happy again.  I then found this picture that I took of me and just feel in love with myself once again and feeling happy.  I love my outfit style, I look very feminine in it and it does also hide my stomach but yet it shows off my hips that I have and my booty along with my small breast.

 

I love this picture alot and I have a pretty good feminine pose as well.

 

 

20190201_130451.jpg

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Michelle F

I hate this...

 

Electrolysis at 5... I have to go to town. Only way is on bus...

 

I WILL be misgendered because gray beard is as though there is a magnifying glass on my face.

 

I AM FREEKING OUT! 

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Amy LeBlanc
Just now, Michelle F said:

I hate this...

 

Electrolysis at 5... I have to go to town. Only way is on bus...

 

I WILL be misgendered because gray beard is as though there is a magnifying glass on my face.

 

I AM FREEKING OUT! 

 

Hang in Michelle.  I know how you feel.  I hate it when I have to go out and have not shaved either cause you have an electrolysis appt.

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Kirsten

At least you’re getting it done now. Before too long you’ll be all done! 

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Michelle F

sigh...

 

That, My dear Kirsten, is the pay off!!!

 

I can tell y'all this much!!!

 

I have a new disguise. What is kewl is it is numbing my face and hiding beard at same time. I'll explain after treatment to fill y'all in

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Michelle F

Bus stop is coming up... My at focus!

 

 

Bye fer now!!!

 

*poof*

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Michelle F

That's must focus...

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Michelle F

Sheesh... This is going to take a year or more. Basically 1 square inch a week.

 

My face looks like a failed crop circle!

 

I'd pull My hair out but it's a wig; it would just come off!

>screaming<

😵

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Amy LeBlanc

Early this week, I was in some deep dysphoria with depression and felt like I could not get out.  Now want to share a picture of me recently and looking at myself now, there is no way that I am a man.  I am defiantly not a man and never was.  I have always seen myself as a girl.  I am loving the way how my hair is looking on me.

 

 

20190307_033151.jpg

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Michelle F

Just had my 4th electrolysis treatment today.

 

Had a very cool incident after my treatment. I had forgotten a razor to clean up a bit afterwards. I walked out rather self conscious and totally focused on that patch of beard that was visible. Catching the bus is horrible when I am unshaven. Especially children...

 

"Mommy? Why does that woman have a beard?" Just horrible!

 

I have one transfer to get home from Clinic. I reached my transfer point and was preparing to walk across street to catch my transfer.

 

I was wearing a turquoise shorty blouse, black leggings and my 4" black booties with a gray long sweater and my Liz Claiborne Brick Red Purse.

 

This woman walked up on me and said out if the blue, "That is a cute outfit." I was flabbergasted! Utterly gobsmacked! All of a sudden I forgot all about that patch of hair on my face and held my head high. I pretty much strutted all the way home from there. 

 

I felt confident, vindicated and validated all at the same time! Absolutely amazing feeling!

 

I can't wait to tell my therapist tomorrow!

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      Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.   Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe. Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life. Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated. I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start? What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first?  I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress. However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.   You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me. Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life.  Honestly, I ate it up. Mostly because of the biggest catalyst to this cause, my mother and her favorite saying, "You'll never understand a mother's love. I could love you through anything... AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GAY." Well poop. I didn't want to lose my mother's love, so from an early age I became a master of macho and over compensation. Me gay? No. NO. I LIKE BOOBS. Ya, and trucks and guns, etc. You know the jig. Copy, paste, repeat, here I am on the edge of tomorrow and the mask doesn't fit anymore.  It's just so bloody hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of "being the man" and putting the mask back on. I've buried over my feminine instincts, beaten them down, beaten myself down and when that wasn't good enough, I've given the world at large a pliable floor mat to trod on. It's driving me bonkers. I'm sorry but I've carried a lot of pain and frustration making straight people feel comfortable. What about my comfort? When will, "You're so gay!" not sound like, "I found one, get him!" Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight? If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone? It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life??? Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl? I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is.  The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived. I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too?  I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here. Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me. I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward. Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice.  Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me.  So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.) If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker." Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life. Why is the label such a thing? Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?"  I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience.  Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through. This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things.  Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad? So I'm done hiding. I came out.  Now it's just me.  Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again.  It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers. So ya.  I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here.  Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere. I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now. Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start. I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do? Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person. Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues? Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core.  Any help? Please. By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start.  See you soon. 😘
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