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Transgender son stopped hormones after he got a boyfriend

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My daughter came out as transgender about 4.5 years ago. He started taking hormones and had his first consultation to get chest surgery. Then he met a guy at work and fell in love. The BF met my son after starting hormones and recognized him as male. BF is straight and was confused/uncomfortable at first. After MUCH discussion about what being trans is all about, they started dating. He uses male pronouns when he talks to my son and seems to accept him living as a male, but now my son has stopped taking his hormones and no longer wants chest surgery. He's letting his hair grow out and now says that when they are ready, he wants to conceive a child. He has ALWAYS hated the idea of being pregnant, to the point of saying it makes him sick to think about it. I don't know what to think anymore. I have continued to be supportive but am somewhat confused. I wonder if he's changing just to suit the BF. Is it any of my business.....should I try and talk to him about my concerns?

Feeling a little lost.....

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He should see a gender therapist (if it's not already the case, you talked about consultation). It can be a lot of things. The most important thing is his happiness and well being. Exploring gender expression is healthy I think, some need to do it. OR Sometimes you fall in love with someone and it can makes you do a lot of things. I fell in love with a girl when I was 21 and had children with that woman and I'm still trans and still identify as female.... there's a lot of possibilities. IMO the important thing is to monitor his mental state and make sure that it's all healthy. I made the mistake of ignoring my mental health for someone and I don't think it's a good idea to put mental health aside for love. I've done it and experience told me it was a very dangerous decision.

Gender expression is something that is not fixed or binary. I'm trans and I've done a lot of things with total disregard to my gender identity in the past. In the end it's his decision what he do. I understand it's confusing and sometimes it can be for the person too. I know I've been confused a lot :P

(I refer to my experience because that's all I have to try to help but, like a said, a gender therapist is a very good idea. )

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Take care of yourself first of all.  I do suspect a love affair is having its impact.  Big item is to be sure it is a healthy affair, and that your child is involved in the health part.  If your child was on HRT, I hop;e it was medically supervised and that their prescribing M.D. is aware of the discontinuation of the HRT and their advice heeded.  If there is an awakened maternal side going on, some dialogue over how it happened to come up, again a healthy adult decision.  A hint that the relationship is in trouble is if the reason is JUST the BF and there is no admission of your child's own desires having changed.  You have done fine, but children "leaving the nest" is a confusing time all by itself without gender issues involved. 

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How long has your son been dating the BF and are they living together as a couple? I went down a similar road and it did not turn out well.  I would recommend a gender therapist for both of them. 



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Thank all of you for your input. He has been dating him about three years and they have lived together for two. They actually live in another state and share a phone so it's hard for me to get a private time with him to talk, but I'll call soon. I would LOVE for them to go to a gender therapist.....

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Kole Rickard

Yes, you should really talk to him about everything that you know is happening. If this affects you that bad then you should bring it up. I don't understand much as I am 15, but I understand that this isn't too normal. It could have been a long lasting phase that really affected him. Maybe his boyfriend is provoking it? It is very odd for someone to go through all that trouble just to regret it after they have a partner. I do agree with the people above, they need a gender therapist. If his partner really loves him he shouldn't have to change him if he is "straight." I think there's something else going on.

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On ‎1‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 11:53 PM, NancyAL said:

Thank all of you for your input. He has been dating him about three years and they have lived together for two. They actually live in another state and share a phone so it's hard for me to get a private time with him to talk, but I'll call soon. I would LOVE for them to go to a gender therapist.....

Is it a cell phone that they are sharing?  If so, the most vulnerable person in the relationship (i.e. your son) should be the one to have it in his possession.  Have they mentioned seeing a gender therapist?  For now the BF is likely happy with your son's female body and willingness to compromise for him.  The problem will come in the future if your son wants to medically transition, or begins to again assume a more masculine identity.  It is also possible that with age and time your son has rediscovered himself and prefers his new trans identity.  As far as pregnancy, could simply be the ticking of the biological clock and hormones, plus being in a loving, stable relationship and wanting a child.  Without your son's input it is difficult to say, however, therapy would be best before going down that road.  For me personally, my desire to have a biological child and be a mother was very strong, much stronger than my desire to be a man.  I was able to live as a traditional woman for a few years, in my own way, however, my ex wanted me to stay that way, and I could not.  We met when we were 19, and back then the word trans, and gender therapists, and the internet were not available to help us through that difficult time.  Feel free to keep us up to date and post more questions as needed. 

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Thank you - I'll keep you updated.


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i would be extremely suspicious of the boyfriend, especially after he's gotten that far. i mean, yeah, sure, peoples' interests might change over time, even reevaluate their identity a bit, and that can be a healthy personal choice. but when it comes to "straight cis" dating trans people who ID as the partner's sex... would not trust that in the slightest. especially when the trans partner is afab, and i'm sure you can look at society's expectations of people born women/popular dismissal of their needs/opinions and figure out why without me getting too far into that part. but past that, romantic partners expect a certain amount of control over eachothers' lives, that they're owed it, as they give it back as well, which for healthy couples might might something like mutual common courtesy... but for cis/trans couples, that can easily mean "cis partner is only passively respecting your identity, and believes they're able and entitled to 'cure' it" and "may possibly react poorly/refuse to accept the fact should it be made clear to them that they can't".

i'm not sure how easily this idea is coming across with broadened context, my ability to organize a topic properly is admittedly not that awesome. so, here's a highly specific example.
one of my best friends met a cis/het guy online and they fell head over heels for eachother. he told the guy right off, he's NB - not long after he would clarify, he is not a woman, he has an intense want to NOT make babies. so cis guy decides he's okay with this, he can stand not being straight, goes for it, seems to heavily respect my friend's identity, and they turn out to be a ridiculously sweet, mushy couple. they talk about his identity frequently. friend has constant, intense gender dysphoria. it has made him want to hurt himself. and this guy had talked him through it over and over again, knowing exactly what it was doing to him and being fully supportive between their regular hanging out... only to just one day, with no visible change or warning in behavior leading up to it, dump him and cut him off. cisguy blamed it on friend's gender identity and not wanting to have kids. things that he knew about friend from the start, was given clear answers about many times before, but still thought that one day, maybe if they got close enough, wore him down enough, he could be convinced to say something different. this is a cisguy who knowingly went into a relationship with a nonbinary person who doesn't want kids with the belief that he could change that, wore a mask throughout the entire relationship pretending that he respected it, and then threw that same identity and dysphoria in his face as blame when he got bored of it.
and probably worse than that is that NB friend who didn't want kids still desperately wanted him. he spent months pining, depression at one of the lowest points it had ever been, begging him to come back. he would do anything for this straight cis guy who wanted him to be someone else, just to keep contact, because he couldn't stand to be alone and lose someone who once (seemed to) support him as a friend. and i know this because he did eventually convince and welcome him back as a friend, like he did nothing wrong, even making excuses for the guy when others express concern. he would ignore his own needs for this guy if given the chance because he can't stand the alternative. they're currently platonic only, however i notice that since the guy first left, nb has been trying to lean a lot closer to femme than he used to, experimenting with pronouns that he has felt very hurt by before, despite that his gender dysphoria has certainly not gone away.

so returning to the topic? after seeing crap like this happen, to picture a transman a good portion of the way through their transition, who never wanted kids, turning around so sharply while in a relationship with a straight cis guy? yeah, no. i would not trust that in the slightest.

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There are many trans men who decide to stop taking hormones and get pregnant, so I wouldn't immediately assume that your son is making decisions solely based on his partner's desires (especially if his partner uses he/him pronouns for him). But the fact that his partner considers himself straight is a little strange to me and certainly raises a red flag. It wouldn't hurt to have a discussion with your son to make sure he's okay and to make sure he knows you support him. The tough thing about when people you love are in (potentially) bad relationships is that you can offer your support and opinions, but they'll make their own decisions in the end, even if they're not the decisions you would make for them.   

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