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Susan R

Out of the box..finally!

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Susan R

I'm finally home from my gender health appt. and let me tell you... it was a wonderful but very long day.  I arrived all dressed casual with full makeup and hair done nicely.  I made it to the elevator and up to the third floor and into a line with a dozen people in front of the reception area.  No one noticed a thing.  My wife said I blended very nice.  I was sure to talk very softly and at a higher pitch...not Mickey Mouse high but enough to keep a low profile.  I was very confident and handled all the "chit chat" at reception myself. I was very comfortable.  I filled out some paperwork and then went to the TG center and waited in the room.  No one who walked by me on the way to my room clocked me...at least that I noticed.  I just smiled as I passed them and they all smiled back.

 

My nurse and new Gender Health Doctor are fabulous to work with.  I have appts. every month now until who knows when but I actually look forward.  Isn't that odd?  On the way out of the building, I had absolutely no issues at all.  The elevator down was full but there was no awkwardness.  When I got to the car, I took a deep breath and asked my wife how she thought it went in regards to my passing.  She said, "During the entire appointment I only noticed one scruffy haired middle-aged man take a second look at you as he passed close and he then looked at me, then you again and he may have clocked you".   I asked my wife if she saw any of the old male me during the visit.  She said, "I didn't see any of [my birth name] during the appointment.  All of your mannerisms and your walk looked like Susan".  So although it wasn't perfect, I did the best I could, according to my wife.

 

I had to get labs done after the first appointment and it went even better..and faster.  No one seemed to care at all.  Not even one odd look or comment.  So overall, I think it went well.  My wife felt fine being with me dressed as Susan so from here on out I'll be dressing for all my appointments which is great news.  I'm one step closer to living my dream.

 

Thanks for reading,

Susan R🌷

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Kirsten

That’s really great!!! Sounds like you had an all positive experience! The more you venture, the better you will feel too! Welcome to the crazy world of women!! 😜😁

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Carolyn Marie

Very well done, Susan.  I love hearing how supportive your wife is.  Wish it were so for all of us.  Congrats on a successful and productive day.  Best wishes for many more.

 

Carolyn Marie

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Jani

This is so good to read!  Congratulations on a full day of adventure and growth!

Jani

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Cyndee

That's wonderful to read Susan, life the way it should be, getting the medical help you need in the proper context. Having a supporting wife is truly an asset.

 

Very happy for you

 

Cynthia -

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Beverly

Yay! So wonderful reading of your perfectly affirming day out! You're on your way, girl!

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Susan R

Thank you all for your very kind and uplifting comments.

@Kirsten @Carolyn Marie @Jani @Cyndee @Beverly

.I was certainly happy it went as well as it did.

 

Susan R🌷

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Josie Beth

Awesome Susan!

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DeeDee
10 hours ago, Susan R said:

 My wife felt fine being with me dressed as Susan so from here on out I'll be dressing for all my appointments which is great news.  I'm one step closer to living my dream.

That's just simply fantastic news! well done Susan! ❤️

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jo_g

Great news! Super happy for you. :)

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Susan R

Many thanks all.  😃

@Josie Beth @DeeDee @jo_g

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Bad

This is so great to read. So happy for you Susan :)

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Susan R

Thank you @Bad I am happy too!

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Michelle F

Way to go SUSAN!

 

It's a wonderful feeling...

 

Today I had to do pharmacy and stuff... Typical day.

 

I was standing looking at various drinks... soda on right, beer on left. 

 

A younger women come up next to me and joined me in contemplation. LoL...

 

Then she said, " I like the mango clamato chelada. The Picante one is too hot!"

 

I laugh and agreed... So we both grabbed the mango one and ended up sitting in the beer garden and chit chatted. We talked clothes, heels... a yellow finch landed near us ... We giggled.. Totally girl talk.

 

She bought next round... It was great!

 

Total pass. Her name is Victoria... We have same Gyno... ROFL We are meeting next week. Have appts back to back...

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Susan R

Thank you, @Michelle F  now that's a great example of passing 100%.  If you can talk gynecologists with a women, it either means...she sees you as yourself...a woman, you're her gynecologist, or possibly both.  She sounds like a fun person too.  Have fun at your next meeting with her.

 

Susan R🌷

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Michelle F

LoL

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Janeshannon

Love this story @Susan R. Really inspiring!

Jane Shannon 

 

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Susan R
2 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

Love this story @Susan R. Really inspiring!

Jane Shannon 

 

Thank you @Janeshannon  I have another gender health appointment this Thursday.  I am going shopping on Monday to get a new top for it.  I can't wait.  Being full time at home is one thing but I feel so much more alive when I'm ME out in the real world.  I love it! ❤️

 

Susan R🌷

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paige_40s

That is so great to hear! it is great to hear about these days and events!

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Susan R
4 minutes ago, paige_40s said:

That is so great to hear! it is great to hear about these days and events!

Thanks Paige,  I was planning on another outing tomorrow with my gender health dr. but she got sick.  I was really looking forward to it too...I had bought a new outfit for it and everything.  I'll post anything significant on this upcoming rescheduled appointment on Mar. 6.  It should be fun for me!😀

 

Susan R🌷

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Dakota16

What a wonderful day! I'm happy for you! :)

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Beverly

You look great, Susan! I haven't been on here much lately. Just saw your new avatar. Get out there, girl! The world is your oyster!

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RithiaAllen

This is great news. I'm sorry that I am just now seeing this. The excitement of being able to go out in public as ones self is so liberating. I'm very happy for you Susan. I hope that things continue to go well for you.

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      Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.   Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe. Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life. Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated. I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start? What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first?  I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress. However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.   You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me. Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life.  Honestly, I ate it up. 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Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight? If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone? It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life??? Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl? I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is.  The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived. I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too?  I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here. Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me. I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward. Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice.  Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me.  So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.) If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker." Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life. Why is the label such a thing? Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?"  I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience.  Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through. This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things.  Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad? So I'm done hiding. I came out.  Now it's just me.  Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again.  It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers. So ya.  I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here.  Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere. I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now. Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start. I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do? Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person. Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues? Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core.  Any help? Please. By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start.  See you soon. 😘
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