As the old life burns off and falls away

[jae bear]

 So much has happened in the last two years it’s really hard to describe, but here we are with another mile stone. At some point you let go all of the things that bring you guilt and shame, and you realize they were never true to begin with. Once your eyes are clear of this ridiculousness  you can see so much farther than you could before that you wonder how you were able to move forward at all.

Jackie is in complete control at this point this is her game now, the rest of it seems like some kind of ridiculous falsehood, some game of pretending that went on for far too long. And all of the players inside of it seems stuck in their role but it’s quite as simple as walking out of that theater and leaving the players there to wonder what happened once you stopped playing the role and walked out. Life is sometimes more complicated but honestly it parallels the acting of a part, and there comes a time when an actor stops playing a particular part, life can be the same sometimes. Going through the stages of grief is often not noticed in the process, but at some point your  eyes open and you realize what is happening around you. Today was my day, my eyes opened,  I thought all I was doing was scheduling a consult for my bottom surgery, but so much else personally came to fruition it was quite the amazing day. I won’t go into all the personal details but the old life burned off like a husk, and Jackie knows what to do about it, No excuses, no forgiveness needed. The best part of me lies ahead and the worst can stay behind for all I care.

  My family has seemingly summarily ostracized me except for just a few people who are willing to see me one on one, once in a while, in places that won’t embarrass them. Someday they’re going to realize they messed up, that this is the best of me, that they are missing the most interesting part of my life and will be sorry once they realize they were acting so poorly. I’m not someone who holds grudges, so I suppose it’s good for them that ultimately  I will accept them back into my life when they’re ready. For now I have fantastic friends and a new family, those who are appalled by my own family and their actions, and in many ways I’m getting the better trade here, where one door closes a window does open, and oh my... I didn’t realize that window opened to reveal Disneyland...

 I realize now that the people who are struggling with me most simply are worried more about themselves than they are about me, they worry about how this will somehow negatively affect them and don’t consider me or my feelings in the process, so I don’t take it personally even though it is very hurtful. When you have to face these things it’s not as bad as you would think, transition is a hard road but the rewards are undeniable and at some point you learn that rejection is simply the shifting of time.

Nothing is permanent, nothing is forever, Everything eventually comes back to the beginning. Someday I will sit with my family at Christmas, the Christmas tree lights glowing dim, as I let my gaze drift and go out of focus, as everything is back to normal again, I just pray that everyone of my family members that I love is still there when they come to their senses...

 Hugs to you all, 

Jackie

[Cyndee]

Sounds like the future is coming into sharper focus Jackie

 

Yes, there is a certain power in knowing when to "let things go" and free your mind of negative energy...

 

Hugs

 

C -

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, jae bear said:

Someday they’re going to realize they messed up, that this is the best of me, that they are missing the most interesting part of my life and will be sorry once they realize they were acting so poorly. I’m not someone who holds grudges, so I suppose it’s good for them that ultimately  I will accept them back into my life when they’re ready.

Jackie, you are one resilient cookie and also have one of the biggest hearts.  I just love they way you think.  Someday, they'll see the error of their ways.  It's takes a lot to offer an olive branch after receiving such treatment but if anyone can do it, it's you.  Thank you for sharing.

 

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

5 hours ago, jae bear said:

At some point you let go all of the things that bring you guilt and shame, and you realize they were never true to begin with. Once your eyes are clear of this ridiculousness  you can see so much farther than you could before

Gosh Jackie that sounds like a genuine epiphany moment! It is not a bad thing to be able to forgive hurt, this world would be a much better and safer place if others could be as big hearted as you seem to be  

[jae bear]

 My goodness, thank you girls, I agree, I have definitely had an epiphany moment here. The guilt and shame kept me from achieving my goals for so many years, and then more recently kept me from doing the things that needed to be done in order for my life to move forward. It is as if I had just broken the starting tape at the beginning of the race, why I waited so long to do that I’ll never know, but it doesn’t really matter since I’m on my way now. I just don’t have the ability to hold onto all of the hurt feelings and negativeness of holding grudges, it weighs one down, burns them slowly and I don’t need the scars and extra baggage. When my closest sibling just recently ostracized me I immediately sat there with my friend and asked if we could pray about it, I asked that the feelings of negative frustration be lifted from me and that I could find the capacity to forgive and forget, I immediately felt better and Truly forgive my family for their bad behavior. I find I can’t control others nor do I want to, and when they receive me back I’ll be happy to be back in the fold. In the back of my mind I make snarky comments, but I would never do so in person.

So much needs to be done, four surgeries coming now,  maybe five if I save enough money. 

The first surgery is vocal, a good friend of mine finished hers a couple months back and it was glorious so I’m going to the same surgeon

  The second surgery is breast augmentation, that will be happening on May 8th...

The third surgery will be FFS and it’s less than a year away depending on current scheduling. I will be going in for forehead reconstruction, hairline drop, brow lift, lip lift, lipo cheek augmentation and lip volume Augmentation...

The fourth surgery will be bottom surgery, but it will need to be several months after FFS so I am healed up nicely before I go back under the knife.

 And the final surgery should I choose to do so, and I probably will, would be lipo augmentation for my hips and rear end, I know it’s totally unnecessary but this is something that is very important in my mind. It’s entirely likely I will get through the fourth surgery and be sick of the knife, and may feel differently about the importance of my hips and rear end, but every time I think I’m over the idea of it, it comes back to haunt me when I see some girl walk past me at the cheesecake factory With wide curvy hips and a tail to match... My current frame seems to want to support this, it’s trying it’s best to do what I want, I will just have to see how much HRT gives me in that department, it’s possible I will achieve some of my goal but sadly I don’t believe my rear end is going to do anything on its own.

 I know I’m going to get lots of comments about that last surgery, and everyone’s opinion is valid, so don’t feel shy about voicing your opinion. I’m truly excited for my future, there’s a lot of hard work to be done for certain, but I’ve been under the knife many times before for some truly horrendous surgeries. I died three times in the process and went through years of recovery, so my current scheduled surgeries seem like a cakewalk in comparison.

 Hugs, hugs and more hugs, 

Jackie

[KymmieL]

Jackie, It is great hearing that. I am hoping my family supports me. but alas I need to be who I am. I cannot keep hiding. The feminine me is coming out little by little.  

 

Kymmie

[Jani]

20 hours ago, jae bear said:

Jackie is in complete control at this point this is her game now

Great. And yes "life is complicated."  I'm happy you are seeing "things clearly now" (cue the song). 

 

20 hours ago, jae bear said:

Someday they’re going to realize they messed up, that this is the best of me, that they are missing the most interesting part of my life and will be sorry once they realize they were acting so poorly.

Because they were more concerned about their own standing than yours.  Let them go!   As I have learned you are such an amazing person to know.  They will learn that they "don't know what you've got 'til its gone."

 

20 hours ago, jae bear said:

Nothing is permanent, nothing is forever

My favorite saying about this is "nothing is set in concrete, even concrete."  We have the power to change anything we want in our lives.  Few have the intestinal fortitude to see through the changes because change is hard.  Those of us (that I know) that have made this monumental change in life are happy with our decision.  We have to love and treat ourselves well.  The inability to do this is what we (and you) have given up.   So don't worry about those left behind, "be happy!"

 

I'm so happy that you are happy! 

With love, Jani

 

"Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now"

 

"...Here I give you my phone number, when you worry, call me, I make you happy, don't worry, be happy)
Don't worry, be happy..." ?

(by Bobby McFerrin)

[jae bear]

 Thanks again girls, I have to admit it was a difficult road just to get this far as I know there are more difficult things to process but at least I have stopped kicking myself in my own rear end, at least for now. Sometimes it’s hard to see when people are emotionally blackmailing you, especially if you’re stuck in the feelings of guilt and blame yourself for all the things that happened even though the reality  is that they can’t seem to process your need for change and would prefer you simply stay miserable for their comfort. I wish I could tell you exactly why I’ve turned the corner and allowed myself to drop the baggage of guilt and shame, but the farther I walk away from those empty hollow bags the better, I didn’t wreck anyone’s life, shame on them if they can’t get over how I look,  i’m not doing anything to hurt them and I would fully support and love them no matter what, those things didn’t change during my transition so all their reactions and poor behavior are on them, not me.

As I move forward I simply leave space in my life for their return should they choose to do so, but if they never come back that again is on them, they can own it, I don’t need to as I am ready and willing to accept them for precisely who they are and do not place qualifications upon what they look like.

 There are those in my life who have gone through big changes as well but I haven’t given them any grief about it, some people like to get lots of tattoos or body piercings, or they shave off their hair or grow their hair out or completely re-style themselves and the way they wear their clothes, sometimes they gain or lose weight, these are all things that don’t affect me or the way that I love them, but apparently the way I looked was so much more important to them than they realize.

  I often think of what others would feel like if someone they knew gained an extraordinarily large amount of weight over a period of time, they might notice but does it really affect the relationship you have with that person? If you’re a polite person you would not change your relationship based on what the person looks like, yet some people still feel the need to point out health issues and suggest diets and such, again I just chalk that up to bad behavior even if The people providing that advice mean well.  I certainly wouldn’t ostracize a family member for getting fat or changing their hairstyle, or changing how they dress, getting a tattoo, getting piercings, going bald, growing their hair, cutting their fingernails, changing their footwear style, or removing or adding jewelry. I’m starting to see that  transition truly is not a big deal, most people could care less, unless of course they Happened to be a family member or acquaintance that feels hurt or betrayed by the changes, again I just don’t see it, it does not make sense to me anymore, I will not be responsible for the way they feel, they can own it, it is their own baggage now. 

 I know there are spouses that will get a divorce if one of them gains a lot of weight and gets fat, I still think that is terrible as well. Shame on the person that can’t handle the fact that people change, so what your spouse got fat, it happens. Should we ostracize a family member who goes bald? What once seemed to be a line I understood, Transitioning from one Gender to another, now seems just as pointless as changing my hair color, is that all we are, the way that we look and appear to others? It would take a very shallow spouse to walk away from someone who got fat, I think very similar thoughts of somebody who walks away from a spouse in transition...

[Cyndee]

On 1/22/2019 at 9:31 PM, jae bear said:

Nothing is permanent, nothing is forever, Everything eventually comes back to the beginning.

 

So true Jackie above, good for you taking the high road....

 

Hugs

 

C -