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Tessa

Is with holding sex and making you do things you don’t feel good about sexual abuse

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Tessa

Today I’ve been thinking deeply when I was married. My wife made me do things just to please her that I felt uncomfortable about sexually. I don’t know if this is abuse or not but I know it made me feel ugly and detestable. She also with held sex just to hurt me. During our intimate times I wasn’t aloud to kiss her or express how I wanted to love her. I felt used and abused. She made me strip for her and dance. She told me I was skinny and she made me drink stuff to get bigger. She refused to call me any love names but I had to call her sweet heart or she would ignore me. She would sit on me and fart on my face. Maybe some people find this erotic but I found it disgusting. I’m sorry for being so open but when these feelings come they come. I call my female name Tessa. Tessa is hurting. Is this abuse? I just don’t know but I know it hurts. I’ve been divorced since 2014 and I still dream of her trying to hurt me. I loved her. She once tried to push me down the steps. That was a scary night. I’m done now. All I can say is it hurts still. 

 

Any coments are welcome. Sorry if this does not fit under the subject. I just didn’t know where else to post it. 

 

Your friend, 

 

Tessa

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killjoyaiden

I'm glad you got out of that situation. I would classify things as abuse, yes. The important thing is that you're now divorced, and you don't have to deal with her anymore. 

Stay safe and stay alive,
AIden

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Tessa

Thank you. She ignores me now. We only text for picking up kids. But she still wants to be in control so she won’t ever give me any extra time with them and she tells my children I’m disgusting and ugly. She tells them to call me by my male name. Of course she knows nothing about me wanting to be a woman. She told them at first they were adopted and that I was a molester myself. We got over that though. I worked with my children to see that I loved them and would never do anything to hurt them. It took awhile but we got through it. She controlled everything. What I would wear, what friends I could hang out with, talked bad about my family, and would tell the children in front of me I was a bad father. One night she got so mad that I thought she was going to hurt me so I slept downstairs. She told me I was the girl in our relationship and to stuff my feelings. She told me I was cut off from anymore sexual activity because she didn’t need it anymore. She would tell the children if anything went wrong it was my fault. She would verbally abuse me in front of the children. I would beg for love! This was probably wrong. I would tell her to once just say ‘I love you’ maybe this would be the last time we see each other. She refused to say it and walk away. She turned her back when I would try to hug her and her face when I tried to kiss her. 

I would write love cards to her and she would throw them in the trash. Once I tried to draw her and she said I made her look ugly. She told me I was a loser. She held me captive and said if I lost our house she would divorce me. I worked 2 jobs to keep our house. I worked myself to the bone. She stopped wearing her wedding ring, she wouldn’t tell me her schedule, and then she would say she was in love with another. The reason I stayed was I knew she would try to take the children. She did and I lost them for a year no contact order. 

I payed 150 dollars an hour to see my children. Went to 4 physiologists to show I was a good person. She had the money. She took it left me homeless. While I was not aloud to go anywhere near my block she had the children throw away all my possesions. She even demanded I return pictures I had grabbed of the children. The court made me return them to her. She would stock me for a time and tried numerous times to get me arressted. She kept lying and the court’s believed her. Finally I got my break when the judge was ready to take all children rights away my lawyer spoke up and said this was a divorce. After that no more supervised visits. The stocking is when I had already been awarded visitation rights. Anyway. 

The nightmare isn’t over yet. She hates me to this day. I’m not aloud to pull up in the driveway. It’s a sad story. But it’s mine. My brothers say it was my fault for this. My mom says God is against divorce unless unfaithfullness is found. I can’t prove it but I could not stay there. I would rather live homeless than be under such torture. My brother took me in for a time. That was years ago but the pain is as real as if it happened yesterday. I do forgive her and things are a little better. Now I pay her child support and am barely live. Fair. It’s ok I don’t need posessions I hold the most precious possesion in my heart and that’s being freed from an abuser.  I’m a strong woman/man and I have overcome huge obstacles in my way and I will continue to do that. Sorry about the long response. 

 

Love 

 

Tessa👩‍🦳

 

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Robin

Hi Tessa,

 

The relationship that you describe certainly sounds as though it was extremely unhealthy. It is good that you have managed to break away from this person, although it is unfortunate that you are forced to have contact with her due to the children.

 

There is quite a lot of advice on the internet about overcoming emotional abuse. Abusive people cause their victims to self destruct, and there is a healing process that has to be followed. You will be able to gradually come to terms with what has happened, and to rebuild your self confidence.

 

Robin.

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