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Nikki22

med doses after stopping

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Nikki22

Background story: 

I had an odd situation.  I worked as an outside sales rep in Vancouver, then Mom got sick, and older.  Didn't want care home, so I looked after her.  As she got worse, Everyone scattered, and I worked 24/7 to make a life for mom.  I sort of gave up mine, as there was so much to do...including hormones.  I'd been living/working for 12 years or so as female, then gave up, dressed in bulky clothes, and went about life.  I mostly got Miss, and this was after I'd sort of given up on female activity/dress.  Mom died  Nov., 2017.

 

After we sold house and stuff, I had no where to go, no idea what/who I was, and developed some major problems.  After turning over house, I decided to drive across Canada to East Coast, clear head, and search for life.  All across Canada, I dressed the same, and got Miss, love, dear...etc., when stopping for gas.  Guess it was voice/looks/attitude...whatever.  Ended up in port city in N.B., and things came to a head.  I was in rooming house with no idea where to go, and everyone asked me what I was...F to M, was the guess.  I had short hair, so this confused me more.  A girl did my make up, and the confusion left, for the guys...they said I was a good looking woman.  So, I went back to female..clothes, make up, jewelry, dyed hair and have let it grow.  Did 4 months on hormones, haven't seen any changes.  There's not much left to change, but wanted my B cup back.  Starved myself to reduce breasts...down to 90 lbs...I'm now 115 lbs, A cup.

 

I remember Spirono is anti-androgen, kills male, so I thought it would help Premarin <dosage removed> and<dosage removed> Provera work.  I know this all takes time, but I lost myself for 9 years, and realized what I knew at 8...I'm female.  There are few TS/TG here, so it's M or F, and I'm seen 100% as F.  I told 3 people, and shocked them, so keep quiet.  Still need SRS, so I'm back transitioning...again, but it was pretty well done.  All I've done is slap on make up/change wardrobe...I just want some help from hormones.  Anyone with opinion on how much Spiro I should go back to?  <dosage removed> , so I'm thinking <dosage removed> ...there are no doctors or anyone that knows.  Vancouver's Gender Dysphoria Clinic looked after me for 8 years, approved me for SRS 3 times, but I balked...now I know who and what I am, and really want to get life back. 

 

I learned at clinic, and other places as I have lots of education, and did psych courses during B.A.  I'm thinking because my testes shrunk, I don't need massive Spiro doses, and electrolysis mostly removed all hair, and I naturally looked female before this even started.  I was messed up as no one knew what to say to me, as I was sequestered, mosty alone, and until I traveled across Canada, I didn't know how others saw me.  Well, no shock, but all saw me as female, and that realization has put my head on straight...finally.  Don't need medical exam, just opinion.  I've seen so many doctors over this, I know what to do, take and all that.

 

..I worked as a counselor in Vancouver, and have done a bit here, but I'm probably going into teaching as they don't have qualified people.  I'm a artist/writer, with 6 books, so creative writing is one thing, and English/history...etc.  Whatever.  I'm also self critical...shy and unsure of myself, so I hope I can still transition more, as I see things I don't like, and wonder why no one else seems to see them.  I'm accepted, but analyze it too much...so, any advice?  I'm waiting to see endocryne doctor to check levels, but want as much female in me as I can get, as I think I missed out for 9 years, stopped the transition, but it seems the transition was so far along, all I had to do was wear a dress.  I often skip make up, just to see reactions, which are still same.  So, I just try to look my best, and get compliments on outfits, as Vancouver fashion stands out here...also drummer, so small town has seen me play and is getting used to me.  Still have that problem with guys, as I have to say no to sex, but get too much attention.  I don't know anyone, but I seem to meet guys a lot, so I only have a few female friends, and lots of guy friends.  Also, I don't tell anyone, so all just see me as female artist...and we can be as weird as we want.  I can also do the lesbian thing. 

 

Weird, but at least I'm alive, and I ran from death...was in 3 comas in Dec., 2017.  Addiction problem, and Vancouver is too liberal in that if you want to get clean.  Sorry, this is first time I've told this tale...except in partly finished new book, TRANS Canada.  Based on my road trip and the hwy I took, also the double entendre.  Many like what I have, as I'm telling truth about transitioning, and some is funny (oh Miss, that's the men's room..like you're violating holy ground), misconceptions, and violence (got stabbed 7 times after given date rape drug...he didn't like what he found).  Sorry...any opinions would help.  I'm a bit awkward about this, sorry, I tried to ignore/forget/dream things were different.  This is me after I went full bore female.  Still growing hair, and wish hormones would work some magic...or are they done?  I thought after stopping for 9 years I'd need their help again...or hope they can help more.  Thanks, Danae

me larger head shot.jpg

Edited by Carolyn Marie
Rule 13 You may not share the dose of any medication you are taking, including hormones. What works for you may well be fatal for someone else.

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VickySGV

Welcome to the Forums Nikki but I need to let you know that our rules do not permit the exchange of dosage information anywhere in our system, nor can we give you any advice about what HRT is best for you.  All other topics are fine and good, but medical information can and should come ONLY from licensed medical providers because no matter what we know about medicines we do not have the means of self monitoring for things going on internally.  Please do carefully read our rules which are in place for your safety and the safety of our other members.  http://www.transgenderpulse.com/community-rules/

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Nikki22

Sorry...I forgot I asked  a similar question, and I will read the rules...I just feel very alone here, and didn't know where else to ask such a question...again, sorry.

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VickySGV

We can help the loneliness by talking about other parts of your journey which we are happy to do.  A licensed M.D. is the best source for the information.  You do need a doctor to help you or it can be tragic. 

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Carolyn Marie

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Nikki.  I'm sorry that you have had such a struggle, but hopefully thing will get better for you.  We'll do all we can to help and support you on your journey.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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      Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.   Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe. Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life. Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated. I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start? What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first?  I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress. However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.   You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me. Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life.  Honestly, I ate it up. Mostly because of the biggest catalyst to this cause, my mother and her favorite saying, "You'll never understand a mother's love. I could love you through anything... AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GAY." Well poop. I didn't want to lose my mother's love, so from an early age I became a master of macho and over compensation. Me gay? No. NO. I LIKE BOOBS. Ya, and trucks and guns, etc. You know the jig. Copy, paste, repeat, here I am on the edge of tomorrow and the mask doesn't fit anymore.  It's just so bloody hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of "being the man" and putting the mask back on. I've buried over my feminine instincts, beaten them down, beaten myself down and when that wasn't good enough, I've given the world at large a pliable floor mat to trod on. It's driving me bonkers. I'm sorry but I've carried a lot of pain and frustration making straight people feel comfortable. What about my comfort? When will, "You're so gay!" not sound like, "I found one, get him!" Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight? If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone? It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life??? Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl? I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is.  The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived. I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too?  I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here. Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me. I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward. Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice.  Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me.  So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.) If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker." Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life. Why is the label such a thing? Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?"  I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience.  Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through. This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things.  Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad? So I'm done hiding. I came out.  Now it's just me.  Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again.  It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers. So ya.  I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here.  Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere. I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now. Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start. I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do? Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person. Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues? Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core.  Any help? Please. By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start.  See you soon. 😘
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