Journey to Jane Shannon

[Cyndee]

6 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

The doctor punched me in the face.  I needed for someone to really say, "this is the reality of all this." " Make sure you want it?"

 

I hate being transgendered.

It's not a choice, it's a gift, albeit a strange gift, we accept this and move on

I hate the second guessing and doubt.

I would to, sounds like the endo is playing gatekeeper, sigh....persistence, will net you the prize.

I hate that society has made me feel ashamed of this.

People like their comfort zones and boxes, anything that deviates is looked down upon. You rise above the din and shame, it's key to your survival.

I hate how good I feel presenting female.

This is hard, because we know it helps, and it helps a lot, the exhilaration and joy is undeniable, it can be so good, one has to be cautious, can this high last forever ? Finding your steady state and equilibrium, sustains you for the long haul. 

I hate the price I might have to pay to become a woman.

Everything from wardrobe, to procedures, to medical care, for some it can be a tidy sum. What is your happiness and well being worth ? To me it's priceless.

 

I didn't know how much I wanted the pills...

 

You will get there Jane, there is an old saying "be careful what you wish for", so true with many things in life, it sure is true with transition, and there are trade off's , everyone's equations are unique.

 

Hugs and well wishes

 

Cyndee -

 

[Janeshannon]

I DID IT! I am enjoying a lovely cup of coffee from Starbucks right now. It was great a few cops at the front table made me nervous, mostly because they are all guys. Thenthe lady behind the counter had pink hair, so I smiled and ordered. She smiled back and gave me coffee. 

[Cyndee]

Just now, Janeshannon said:

I DID IT! I am enjoying a lovely cup of coffee from Starbucks right now. It was great a few cops at the front table made me nervous, mostly because they are all guys. Thenthe lady behind the counter had pink hair, so I smiled and ordered. She smiled back and gave me coffee. 

 

Best tasting cup of coffee you'll ever have Jane, congrats !

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

[Jani]

Cool!  Enjoy the moment!!!

[DeeDee]

22 minutes ago, Janeshannon said:

I DID IT! I am enjoying a lovely cup of coffee from Starbucks right now.

I am SO jealous in a good way!  Well done on getting your coffee!

[Janeshannon]

I am sitting in my study reflecting on my day.  I know going to Starbucks sounds like such a little thing, but I am really happy I went in and bought a cup of coffee.  I was wearing a stripped long sleeve top, with buttons down the back, a full length black skirt, and 1.5 inch ankle booties.  As I think about it what made me feel so great was how not a big deal it all was. No one pointed and laughed.  No one whispered.  No one refused me service.  I have to admit I was pretty nervous when I first walked through the door.  One of the ladies was in front of the counter working on the display, when I approached the counter she looked up and smiled at me, and that one little smile totally relaxed me.  I don't know what she saw.  Did she see a man in women's clothing?  Did she see woman in women's clothing?  Did she even care? 

 

I think what she saw was a person.  A person who wanted coffee...:-)  I will be going back for more.

[Cyndee]

Good Morning Jane, these experiences are wonderful for your confidence !! It's so wonderful to read your story, overcoming all the scenarios that can swirl in one's head, it's a flood of thoughts, and then when it's over, you relish the memories, and you want to do it again, and again....

 

Have a great day !

 

Cyndee -

[Charlize]

 A cup of coffee seems such a small thing but i can certainly remember how each small step changed my life.  Enjoy your journey.  I remember the excitement and fear lessened with each step and at some point it simply became life as myself.  Joy, however remains.  

Have another cup!

[Janeshannon]

Charlize,

Your comment about each small step getting easier is literally true. I had to force my foot out of the truck door. Each little step down the sidewalk to the front door got just a little easier. Then the tough step going through the door. Then each one getting easier as I moved to the counter. Then the ladies serving smiled and I totally relaxed. It is truly amazing how powerful a smile can be. I believe you are right...I will have another cup.

JS

[Jani]

28 minutes ago, Janeshannon said:

I had to force my foot out of the truck door.

Jane, once you realize the world will not end it does get easier as you have found.  Congratulations for mustering up the courage and making that first step.  You're on your way!!!

 

Jani

[Janeshannon]

Today's adventure was wonderful in its normalcy. I was home alone, so I had time to dress. Demin skirt, black tights, and boat neck, long sleeve top. I had a few returns from some online orders. I stopped at the post office and later at an Amazon locker. Nothing special, except me being out in the world as me. The best part was it was much easier getting out of the car than earlier this week at Starbucks. Unfortunately, I didn't interact with anyone; not because I was unwilling, but because it was not required. It has been a dream of mine to just be a woman in the world. Not doing anything fancy,  just doing those things any person does in daily life. It's doing stuff like this tells me the path for me is a feminine one. 

[Janeshannon]

I didn't expect the backlash from today. I have spent the afternoon with my amazing 9 year old son.  It was special and fun to hang out just the two of us (all without electronic devices too), yet in the back of my head that skirt is calling me back. The shape of me with breasts harkens to me. The truth of this is addicting. I cannot remember who said this and I'm not quoting directly. This is not a journey to arrive at a gender, but at happiness. 

[Jani]

16 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

This is not a journey to arrive at a gender, but at happiness. 

This is an important realization Jane.  I'm glad you see this.  Admittedly getting dressed is addictive, early on.  Eventually it will just become part of life as you normalize it.  Have fun. 

[Janeshannon]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Admittedly getting dressed is addictive, early on.  Eventually it will just become part of life as you normalize it.  Have fun. 

Thanks for the supportive comments Jani.  ?  I can sense that with the clothing already. It's fun figuring out what to wear, and it feels great being nicely dressed. As I was headed home they just felt like clothing. What surprised me was how I felt putting my drab clothes back on. I'm surprised how much I want the world to see me as female. 

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

What surprised me was how I felt putting my drab clothes back on.

Yes its quite odd.  I recall switching back to guy jeans and tee's to go pick up auto parts or something of the like when I was still "in between".  It was certainly an odd feeling.  I'm glad the days are gone!   You will be too.

 

Jani

[Charlize]

I know that feeling of addiction to dress.  I found myself thinking about what i would wear and where i could go and it  became a kind of passion.  When i went to AA and saw my addiction to alcohol i saw my other issue as well and while i didn't purge i did put any thought of being myself away for 3 years.  Then i went to a women meeting and within 2 years was living as myself full time.  Today i'm just me.  I've grown to realize that expressing my female side and being accepted as female is simply natural to me and not an addiction.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

On 3/10/2019 at 9:38 PM, Janeshannon said:

. What surprised me was how I felt putting my drab clothes back on. I'm surprised how much I want the world to see me as female. 

 

It does feel really odd to me, but I think over time things are changing. I wear my old male trousers when working on the car, as they are harder wearing and i am loath to throw them out. For a considerable time I almost sneaked out, hoping no-one would see me but recently I am not worrying so much. I usually mix and match the trousers with more feminine attire and behave more like a woman wearing mens trousers.

 

Tracy

[Janeshannon]

We have been super busy with parenting and working, so not even a ton of time to think much less consider transitioning.  I did get the HRT memo from my GT today, so I now have the required items to start HRT.

 

[Cyndee]

9 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

I did get the HRT memo from my GT today, so I now have the required items to start HRT.

 

 

That's wonderful Jane, congrats, getting closer....

 

Hugs

 

C -

[Kole Rickard]

I am impressed about how long you decided to wait. For you have a wife and kids, I am guessing you're older. I will say, so far, I am surprised how well your wife took it as well. You;re lucky about how she supports you through your transitions. You are facing a lot of risks when you do this and you seem somewhat comfortable about this when I read your comments. I know it will be hard and your wife might not approve with everything you're doing but it seems you're taking it at your own pace and it looks like its okay with her so far. If you're wife is pansexual, that would make things a bit easier I would think. I hope that everything you're doing turns out well though. Also, remember, not everything you do has to cost money. You can be a woman if you really truly believe you are, without really having to spend money. I know its hard to believe with dysphoria and doubts, but it can happen. I just hope you are happy about what you're doing and your family is greatly supportive. If they're not than you have this website to help you through.

[Janeshannon]

Today ended in a rough way.  The last few evenings my wife has been really angry.  When things are uncertain she feels a lot of anxiety and stress which makes her angry.  She confessed my desire to transition is causing the uncertainty.   She said she doesn't want to be married to another woman.  She accepts that I have not chosen this.  She said she feels I have been lying to her for years either by omission or by commission.  In some aspects she understands, but it has shaken her trust in me.  

 

I feel really confused.  I finally am feeling like I am moving towards who I am supposed to be, but the cost might be my family and my marriage.

 

[Jani]

As to lying over the years, I made it clear I hadn't and that I never mentioned it because I couldn't explain it to myself let alone someone else.  The cost of transition can be high but ask what is the alternative?   

 

Jani

[Janeshannon]

Thanks Jani,

I feel like I hid this. I hid it out of confusion and shame. I always felt I was broken, that I was doing something wrong. If I did lie, I lied to EVERYONE including myself.

 

The really scary part about losing them is that I feel like I will either lose them or lose myself. 

[Cyndee]

Of course you had to hide it, no shame in that Jane, what choice did our binary allow for ? It's not a lie, it's a condition, a condition that can be extremely hard to explain at times. Take it slow and easy, being willing to listen....

 

Hoping for you

 

Cyndee -

[Janeshannon]

Thanks Cyndee,

Hard to explain is SO correct.  I is interesting, this week at counseling my therapist recommended we start couples counseling.  From what I understand most of the couples that survive transition do so with counseling.  Maybe she was more right than I thought at the time.

Take Care,

JS