Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Journey to Jane Shannon


Janeshannon

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator
6 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

The doctor punched me in the face.  I needed for someone to really say, "this is the reality of all this." " Make sure you want it?"

 

I hate being transgendered.

It's not a choice, it's a gift, albeit a strange gift, we accept this and move on

I hate the second guessing and doubt.

I would to, sounds like the endo is playing gatekeeper, sigh....persistence, will net you the prize.

I hate that society has made me feel ashamed of this.

People like their comfort zones and boxes, anything that deviates is looked down upon. You rise above the din and shame, it's key to your survival.

I hate how good I feel presenting female.

This is hard, because we know it helps, and it helps a lot, the exhilaration and joy is undeniable, it can be so good, one has to be cautious, can this high last forever ? Finding your steady state and equilibrium, sustains you for the long haul. 

I hate the price I might have to pay to become a woman.

Everything from wardrobe, to procedures, to medical care, for some it can be a tidy sum. What is your happiness and well being worth ? To me it's priceless.

 

I didn't know how much I wanted the pills...

 

You will get there Jane, there is an old saying "be careful what you wish for", so true with many things in life, it sure is true with transition, and there are trade off's , everyone's equations are unique.

 

Hugs and well wishes

 

Cyndee -

 

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Replies 111
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Janeshannon

    46

  • Jani

    19

  • Cyndee

    13

  • Susan R

    9

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

I DID IT! I am enjoying a lovely cup of coffee from Starbucks right now. It was great a few cops at the front table made me nervous, mostly because they are all guys. Thenthe lady behind the counter had pink hair, so I smiled and ordered. She smiled back and gave me coffee. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
Just now, Janeshannon said:

I DID IT! I am enjoying a lovely cup of coffee from Starbucks right now. It was great a few cops at the front table made me nervous, mostly because they are all guys. Thenthe lady behind the counter had pink hair, so I smiled and ordered. She smiled back and gave me coffee. 

 

Best tasting cup of coffee you'll ever have Jane, congrats !

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

Link to comment
22 minutes ago, Janeshannon said:

I DID IT! I am enjoying a lovely cup of coffee from Starbucks right now.

I am SO jealous in a good way!  Well done on getting your coffee!

Link to comment

I am sitting in my study reflecting on my day.  I know going to Starbucks sounds like such a little thing, but I am really happy I went in and bought a cup of coffee.  I was wearing a stripped long sleeve top, with buttons down the back, a full length black skirt, and 1.5 inch ankle booties.  As I think about it what made me feel so great was how not a big deal it all was. No one pointed and laughed.  No one whispered.  No one refused me service.  I have to admit I was pretty nervous when I first walked through the door.  One of the ladies was in front of the counter working on the display, when I approached the counter she looked up and smiled at me, and that one little smile totally relaxed me.  I don't know what she saw.  Did she see a man in women's clothing?  Did she see woman in women's clothing?  Did she even care? 

 

I think what she saw was a person.  A person who wanted coffee...:-)  I will be going back for more.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Good Morning Jane, these experiences are wonderful for your confidence !! It's so wonderful to read your story, overcoming all the scenarios that can swirl in one's head, it's a flood of thoughts, and then when it's over, you relish the memories, and you want to do it again, and again....

 

Have a great day !

 

Cyndee -

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 A cup of coffee seems such a small thing but i can certainly remember how each small step changed my life.  Enjoy your journey.  I remember the excitement and fear lessened with each step and at some point it simply became life as myself.  Joy, however remains.  

Have another cup!

Link to comment

Charlize,

Your comment about each small step getting easier is literally true. I had to force my foot out of the truck door. Each little step down the sidewalk to the front door got just a little easier. Then the tough step going through the door. Then each one getting easier as I moved to the counter. Then the ladies serving smiled and I totally relaxed. It is truly amazing how powerful a smile can be. I believe you are right...I will have another cup.

JS

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
28 minutes ago, Janeshannon said:

I had to force my foot out of the truck door.

Jane, once you realize the world will not end it does get easier as you have found.  Congratulations for mustering up the courage and making that first step.  You're on your way!!!

 

Jani

Link to comment

Today's adventure was wonderful in its normalcy. I was home alone, so I had time to dress. Demin skirt, black tights, and boat neck, long sleeve top. I had a few returns from some online orders. I stopped at the post office and later at an Amazon locker. Nothing special, except me being out in the world as me. The best part was it was much easier getting out of the car than earlier this week at Starbucks. Unfortunately, I didn't interact with anyone; not because I was unwilling, but because it was not required. It has been a dream of mine to just be a woman in the world. Not doing anything fancy,  just doing those things any person does in daily life. It's doing stuff like this tells me the path for me is a feminine one. 

Link to comment

I didn't expect the backlash from today. I have spent the afternoon with my amazing 9 year old son.  It was special and fun to hang out just the two of us (all without electronic devices too), yet in the back of my head that skirt is calling me back. The shape of me with breasts harkens to me. The truth of this is addicting. I cannot remember who said this and I'm not quoting directly. This is not a journey to arrive at a gender, but at happiness. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
16 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

This is not a journey to arrive at a gender, but at happiness. 

This is an important realization Jane.  I'm glad you see this.  Admittedly getting dressed is addictive, early on.  Eventually it will just become part of life as you normalize it.  Have fun. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Jani said:

Admittedly getting dressed is addictive, early on.  Eventually it will just become part of life as you normalize it.  Have fun. 

Thanks for the supportive comments Jani.  ?  I can sense that with the clothing already. It's fun figuring out what to wear, and it feels great being nicely dressed. As I was headed home they just felt like clothing. What surprised me was how I felt putting my drab clothes back on. I'm surprised how much I want the world to see me as female. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

What surprised me was how I felt putting my drab clothes back on.

Yes its quite odd.  I recall switching back to guy jeans and tee's to go pick up auto parts or something of the like when I was still "in between".  It was certainly an odd feeling.  I'm glad the days are gone!   You will be too.

 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I know that feeling of addiction to dress.  I found myself thinking about what i would wear and where i could go and it  became a kind of passion.  When i went to AA and saw my addiction to alcohol i saw my other issue as well and while i didn't purge i did put any thought of being myself away for 3 years.  Then i went to a women meeting and within 2 years was living as myself full time.  Today i'm just me.  I've grown to realize that expressing my female side and being accepted as female is simply natural to me and not an addiction.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 3/10/2019 at 9:38 PM, Janeshannon said:

. What surprised me was how I felt putting my drab clothes back on. I'm surprised how much I want the world to see me as female. 

 

It does feel really odd to me, but I think over time things are changing. I wear my old male trousers when working on the car, as they are harder wearing and i am loath to throw them out. For a considerable time I almost sneaked out, hoping no-one would see me but recently I am not worrying so much. I usually mix and match the trousers with more feminine attire and behave more like a woman wearing mens trousers.

 

Tracy

Link to comment

We have been super busy with parenting and working, so not even a ton of time to think much less consider transitioning.  I did get the HRT memo from my GT today, so I now have the required items to start HRT.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
9 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

I did get the HRT memo from my GT today, so I now have the required items to start HRT.

 

 

That's wonderful Jane, congrats, getting closer....

 

Hugs

 

C -

Link to comment

I am impressed about how long you decided to wait. For you have a wife and kids, I am guessing you're older. I will say, so far, I am surprised how well your wife took it as well. You;re lucky about how she supports you through your transitions. You are facing a lot of risks when you do this and you seem somewhat comfortable about this when I read your comments. I know it will be hard and your wife might not approve with everything you're doing but it seems you're taking it at your own pace and it looks like its okay with her so far. If you're wife is pansexual, that would make things a bit easier I would think. I hope that everything you're doing turns out well though. Also, remember, not everything you do has to cost money. You can be a woman if you really truly believe you are, without really having to spend money. I know its hard to believe with dysphoria and doubts, but it can happen. I just hope you are happy about what you're doing and your family is greatly supportive. If they're not than you have this website to help you through.

Link to comment

Today ended in a rough way.  The last few evenings my wife has been really angry.  When things are uncertain she feels a lot of anxiety and stress which makes her angry.  She confessed my desire to transition is causing the uncertainty.   She said she doesn't want to be married to another woman.  She accepts that I have not chosen this.  She said she feels I have been lying to her for years either by omission or by commission.  In some aspects she understands, but it has shaken her trust in me.  

 

I feel really confused.  I finally am feeling like I am moving towards who I am supposed to be, but the cost might be my family and my marriage.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

As to lying over the years, I made it clear I hadn't and that I never mentioned it because I couldn't explain it to myself let alone someone else.  The cost of transition can be high but ask what is the alternative?   

 

Jani

Link to comment

Thanks Jani,

I feel like I hid this. I hid it out of confusion and shame. I always felt I was broken, that I was doing something wrong. If I did lie, I lied to EVERYONE including myself.

 

The really scary part about losing them is that I feel like I will either lose them or lose myself. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Of course you had to hide it, no shame in that Jane, what choice did our binary allow for ? It's not a lie, it's a condition, a condition that can be extremely hard to explain at times. Take it slow and easy, being willing to listen....

 

Hoping for you

 

Cyndee -

Link to comment

Thanks Cyndee,

Hard to explain is SO correct.  I is interesting, this week at counseling my therapist recommended we start couples counseling.  From what I understand most of the couples that survive transition do so with counseling.  Maybe she was more right than I thought at the time.

Take Care,

JS

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 140 Guests (See full list)

    • MaeBe
    • Andrea D
    • Wasylyna
    • Jet McCartney
    • Evelyn J
    • KathyLauren
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...