Journey to Jane Shannon

[Cyndee]

Sounds like a good idea Jane, I concur having your wife with you and a neutral 3rd party to help facilitate the discussions. The grieving and bargaining phases can be ruff. I hope it goes well for you both, it's not easy, none of it....

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

[Janeshannon]

On 3/19/2019 at 8:35 AM, Kole Rickard said:

I am impressed about how long you decided to wait. 

 

Kole,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response, and I apologize for the slow reply to your post.  You mentioned how I am approaching transition at a slow pace. My counselor and I spoke quite a bit about the pace of transition.  She had some really good thoughts about it. There is a lot about being transgender that is out of my control. I didn’t choose to be trans, and while I am choosing to transition, moving towards transition is really moving towards self-acceptance and happiness.  I cannot control what other people, including my family, think about me transitioning. One thing I can control is the pace of my transition. I sometimes think of transition as a train ride. I didn’t choose to get on this train, but I now control the pace and I can choose when to get off the train.  As I consider the possible end points of transition, I fear moving too fast. If I am going too fast I might not have time to reflect and consider how I feel both mentally and physically. As I stated above, I am transitioning to a happier more fulfilling me. I don’t want to zoom past myself on the way to find myself.  

So, am I going slow?

No, I am going at the right pace for me. ?

[Kole Rickard]

Ah, I'm sorry if that offended you. I didn't mean you're going slowly, I meant you're going at a very nice pace for this. It should always be slower. I know many people who want it done here and now. I'm just trying to mention that you're going at a more nice and smooth pace and I admire that a lot. You waited for the right time. That just decided to be later in life! I hope I put that in a more understandable way.

[Janeshannon]

Kole, you in no way offended me. You did make me think and reflect, and I appreciate that.  

Take Care,

JS

 

[Janeshannon]

Two interesting things to report this week.  First, I read the book “She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders,” by Jennifer Finney Boylan.  It was wonderful.  At times I really felt like she was describing my own situation.  She is a generally an optimistic person, as am I.  It sounds like she never felt that overwhelming sense of gender dysphoria, which is how I feel.  She just always felt the nagging, unending feeling of not being right.  Personally, I have always wondered when these feeling would go away.  When I would feel fulfilled by male life.  I have been waiting 45 years and it hasn’t arrived yet.  In the book, she always talks extensively about how her wife felt about her transition.  Her wife, Grace, really struggled.  She, Grace, was never angry at Jenny, but she definitely felt like she got the short end of the stick. However, their love affair has not ended, just changed.  Overall, I would recommend this book.  Especially, to MtF folks transitioning later, and doubly if they are starting transition from a heteronormative relationship.  The second thing this week is HUGE how small it is.  I realized my self-talk has shifted.  It shift from “if” to “when.”  So, if I transition has become when I transition.  I didn’t even realize it, and it really makes me think. I am excited to start HRT in early May.

[Janeshannon]

 

I have had a good week.

Monday was my normal counseling appointment, which leaves me feeling good and that this trans thing is okay.

Thursday, I had the day off work for a dermatology appointment. I decided to wear a black skirt with a red cowl neck sweater to the appointment. The appointment is a yearly appointment, and my legal name is still my male name. The clinic was AWESOME! The lady at the counter didn't bat an eye even when I handed her an ID with a male name and photo on it. The med tech looked a little surprised, but recovered quickly and was kind. I had to get undressed, and I loved when she said I'd have to take off my bra for the exam. The PA who did the exam was awesome. She checked my skin including peeking under my panties. Since I was only wearing a gaff and a medical robe, she knew I was early transition transgender. I was tightly tucked, and she made no reaction she was just doing another exam. I was nervous going in, but relaxed departing.

 

After the appointment, I had a bunch of errands to run. I did all if them in that skirt. It was absolutely wonderful to be interacting with society as a woman. I've questioned this for so long. Doubting if I was really transgender. More and more I know the truth.  Another interesting highlight was a short stop at a cobbler’s shop. I was stalling going in, sitting in my truck, looking at the shop and wondering about all the horrible things that could happen. When I noticed, in the upper left corner of the shop window was the rainbow flag.  That little chunk of clothe, such a small symbol, and it totally lifted my spirits. The cobbler was super sweet, and told me he could fix my shoes for $20, or I could fix them for free with some super glue. After that I headed to the library and a few other stops. It was really a nice day--it felt wonderful not to doubt or to worry so much--to just be.

[Jani]

Great Jane!  Sounds like good week all around.  Good for you. 

 

Jani

[Janeshannon]

The double life sucks. I was authentic for counseling, fake for work, I changed and went to Costco as me, and then changed again and now I'm here lying to my kids. They see a man who loves them. The love is so real.  The man is a fake...

[Lexi C]

wow congrats..Be Proud and stay Strong...

[Janeshannon]

Every day so far this week coming to work in male clothes has been tough. I feel like a phony, my students thinking they have a male teacher. They have a fake. More and more all the maleness feels like the lie...

[Cyndee]

Hi Jane, what you are posting about hold true for many of us MTF. It becomes harder and harder to return to the previous life, once you've gone out as yourself and are presenting that way at least part time, because the highs are fantastic, but the return from that can be rough. I know the feeling you describe well feeling like you are lying to others, it really is troublesome, when you reach this difficult stage. Go home and take a nice scented bath and soak in the tub to sooth your body and soul. I am thinking of you in your classroom this morning and wishing you strength and sanity, it's hard.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee

[Janeshannon]

I had a good morning.  I have really started to enjoy being more out and about as a woman.  This morning I decided I need some girl-time.  I had just bought a new skirt, it is bright blue with flowers knitted on it.  I love the way it swishes and flows as I move.  It was surprising when the wind blew and chilled my legs...  I wore a simple black woven top and tan sandals.  It was nice to be in spring clothing.  

After the dysphoria all week, I was I a bundle of nerves heading out, so I stopped at my favorite Starbucks and got a cup of coffee.  It is nice having a good place to go to help break the nervousness.  @Cyndee, thank you for the push to make them a first stop!  I then headed to the local Eddie Bauer Outlet.   Overall it was a great experience.  I was approached by two clerks, and they were both helpful and kind.  I think I was clocked by a cute 3 year old girl.  ?  She looked at me with some surprise, but I think she was really too busy convincing her mommy to buy a black sweeter so they could be twins.  I tried on a few tops and some pants.  As I looked in the mirror, I felt that dread of "I will never pass," so I stopped put things back and headed home.  Overall, I would go back to Eddie Bauer and I will definitely be going out in this new skirt again!

 

Some nice firsts!  Clothing shopping as a woman.  Trying on clothes in the store.  Openly getting clocked.  

[Jani]

This is good that you got out.  After the coffee, you were set for shopping.  Never say never about your looks.  Jane is looking back from the mirror at you.  If you don't already see her, you will soon enough.  You'll see her I promise.

 

On 4/27/2019 at 5:06 PM, Janeshannon said:

Some nice firsts!  Clothing shopping as a woman.  Trying on clothes in the store.  Openly getting clocked. 

You've hit the trifecta!

 

Cheers, Jani

[Janeshannon]

 

It was a very interesting day today.  Started out with getting my new breast forms.  The forms are a nice high quality set. To make sure they fit right I had to get fitted.  The fitting was a wonderful experience. It was at a bra shop, and the ladies were SO nice.  I was a little uncomfortable at first, but I soon relaxed. They knew I was trans, so taking the different bras and forms on and off wasn’t a huge deal.  I also got two new bras to go with the forms. I was surprised I went for a smaller size then I first expected. I went for something that looked natural and comfortable.  The best part is they were provided with my VA benefits.

 

A few weeks ago I had contacted my Union President asking how transitioning could impact my employment.  In his response he said he would help introduce me to another transwoman who transitioned on the job a few years ago.  One strange aspect to being transgendered is that I really don’t know any transpeople. Now I do! We sat and chatted for about an hour.  She has completed her physical transition. Now that she is comfortable with her body, she is becoming much more comfortable socially. It is interesting, between meeting her and reading tons about being trans I am starting to think more and more that, we while we might finish transitioning, we never stop becoming.  Also, that we need more transpeople that don’t just disappear into society, but that come back and to help and advocate for other transpeoples.

[Lexi C]

congrats..J..Your right...Beside my therapist the only other trans woman are adult movie actress and their view of Transgender life is much different. Thanks for sharing

[Janeshannon]

 

For methe biggest struggle with coming to grips with being trans has been deconflicting my feelings as a husband and a father.  I love my family. I love being married to my wife. I love the children we have together. I think our children are a manifestation of our love.  Being a “good husband” and a “good father” have defined me for the past 16 and 11 years respectively. The question I wrestle with is “how can I really be a woman, when I love being a husband and a father?”

What I am starting to realize is that while I cannot be a woman and a husband and a father, I can be a woman and an amazing spouse and parent.  I think some of my feeling about my roles are based in older cultural norms. I recently had an amazing day going shooting with my older son. As I drove home a wave of dysphoria struck me.  Would days like this be ruined if I went as a woman? Would he and I be accepted in this traditionally male activity?

I am increasingly convinced that the answer to all these questions is that me being a woman wouldn’t matter.  While we would be treated differently, I don’t think that treatment would impact our parent-child enjoyment.

I know this intellectually. Now I just need to convince myself emotionally too.

[Jani]

I can understand.  I think the trick is to transition to being a good partner and parent as you transition to the new you.  You are correct that all the things you do now would not matter, unless you let them.  Don't!  I still "play with cars" and I recently spent two plus weeks designing and remodeling a friends bathroom with them.   This was my oldest friend (of 48 years) and while I am definitely female it was like old times when we worked together, just two people that enjoy each others company having fun.  His wife was away with their daughter and I later joked to her that he wined and dined me every evening (he's a great cook), and we even out for ice cream for dessert one night!   

 

You're on the right track.  The people that love you will not miss a beat and your relationships should be fine.  

 

All my best! 
Jani

[Janeshannon]

 

What a day!  I came out to my in-laws on Jun 20, 2019.  I will admit to no small amount of anxiety when we started.  I rationally knew they would be very accepting, but that didn’t help ease my tummy.  When I started going to counseling about six months ago, I told them I was seeing a counselor.  So I started with telling them I wanted to share why I was going to counseling. I said, in a very calm and straightforward manner, “I am seeing a counselor because I am transgender.”  Both of them have a pretty good poker face, so it was hard to read them. My father-in-law started first by saying he is supportive, but he was unsure what he could do to actually be supportive.  Then my mother-in-law chimed with her support also, and said she recommends joining them at their church. There are several trans-folks in their congregation, so she knows it is a good place to find acceptance as a coming out transwoman.  I told them all the answers to the really big questions are “I don’t know.” We, my wife and I, did tell the steps taken so far. Including laser hair removal and this is the reason for the long hair and earrings. I offered the only reassurance I can give in this.  I told them their daughter is my very best friend, and that I love her with my whole heart. She offered that she doesn’t want to split up our marriage, but the future uncertainty is challenging for her. My favorite part was one of the last questions my father-in-law had.  He asked if we were still going to go to the car show downtown this weekend. It was a nice way to say, this is okay and let’s continue living our lives and being a family. Coming out is so very hard, but so worth it as you come out to the right people.

[Charlize]

It sounds as if you could not have found a more receptive accepting reaction.  Our relationships so often change with transition.  Finding the security of continuity makes the process easier.  Your father in law has already found a good way to br supportive!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ellora]

@Janeshannon Congratulations! I am sooo happy for you! 

9 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

My favorite part was one of the last questions my father-in-law had.  He asked if we were still going to go to the car show downtown this weekend.

I loooove this!!! ^^^ This quote is simply the best. The innocence of it all. I love it when Reality turns out much better that what was bouncing around in our thoughts. I am finding out the same, but I still havent told everyone yet. Quotes like this make me feel better.

 

 

My friend is a single Mom, and takes on the role as Mommy and Daddy when I am not there. As do most single moms (and Dads) will take on the role when raising their children. 

My friend doesnt try to act more masculine, she just acts like any Parent would with their children. Im divorced, and my ex and I never really tried to change anything the way we raised our kids if one of us wasnt present. 

My friends kids call me "Daddy" and I will never tell them to stop calling me daddy, cause it was out of love. Plus they already have a wonderful Mommy, and wouldnt ever want to share that title with her, ever. I know who I am, and I know what is in their hearts. If someday, when they know I have transitioned, and want to use a feminine name, then we will discuss it. But for now, I am happy with the way my Journey is headed. I still have a bit to go, and until then, I will try and be happy with every baby step possible. 

 

[Susan R]

9 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

 I rationally knew they would be very accepting, but that didn’t help ease my tummy. 

This was a big and very difficult step, Jane Shannon...especially with the protective nature inlaws have for their child.  I was lucky in some regard as my wife's parents have been gone for years.  I'm not sure they would have been so accepting.  I can understand your initial apprehension but as Charlize mentioned it looks like they took the news very well.

 

9 hours ago, Janeshannon said:

My favorite part was one of the last questions my father-in-law had.  He asked if we were still going to go to the car show downtown this weekend. It was a nice way to say, this is okay and let’s continue living our lives and being a family.

I've heard about this happening in several 'coming out' stories.  It sort of normalizes the discussion and future  relationship and minimizes the possible 'elephant in the room' effect that can occur in these types of situations.

 

I'm very happy for you Jane Shannon.  Best if luck to both you and your wife in this stage of your journey.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

Jane you are in a very special family.  I remember when I told my oldest friend (since I was 17) and he asked if I was still going to like chainsaws.  We hadn't done that kind of work for decades but I understood.  It was his way of saying its OK and I still love you.  Life does go on and you find you are still the person you're always been inside, just with a different "wrapper".  

 

Coming out is difficult but this was a relief for you as it was with special people in your and your wife's life.  Wonderful.   

 

Cheers, Jani

 

[Janeshannon]

Going into the Closet to Come Out of the Closet

Well I was attempting to keep all this a big secret I worked extremely hard to hide the clothing. I had stuff squirreled all over my house and hidden in spots at work. As I have been working to reveal myself to my wife I have slowly been bringing out my clothes. Yesterday was the last of it. I was hanging up a few things when I stopped at a dress I have with mesh sleeves. I wasn’t sure if hanging it would damage the sleeves, so I folded it neatly.  When I came back a few minutes later it was hanging. This led to a discussion about hanging clothes. Which in turn led to hanging up my remaining skirts and dresses. As I exited the closet I realized that spending  time in the closet was an important step in finally and fully coming out of the closet.

[Cyndee]

They are simply your clothes. It's a wonderful feeling to put them in your own closet and hang them up just like any other woman would. Now comes the hardest part, picking and choosing what to wear today 

 

Happy to read your post this morning Jane and catch up. 

 

Congrats on coming out to the in laws. 

 

May things continue to progress well at home. 

 

Cynthia -

[Charlize]

I share a closet with my wife.  Just lovely to have something other than jeans, T shirt and a suit for burial!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize