Mildly distressed Heyo!

[JTCaterpillar]

Hello from Louisiana, everyone! I have a lot to say so if you don't mind I'll go ahead and start..

 

I bought a sports bra today. It was $2 from someone on Letgo. 

My desire to go back in time to be born female is probably the greatest wish I've ever had. I know I prayed that it would happen almost every day from the time I was 6 to when I was like, 12. I grew my hair out to my shoulder blades and it was funny, because people would actually always mistake me as female and I would indignantly correct them.

 

Yet, I would secretly, when no one else was around, tie my hair back in laughably bad ponytails and try to figure how the hell to make mascara look pretty.

I never felt comfortable during those years because I was so dedicated to my long hair, but I was so unsettled by my wishes.

 

My father figure was a big beefy man's man who was a Marine and a punk rock drummer. He proved to ultimately be a scumbag but he instilled a sense of manhood in me that I want to improve on. He imposed that classic toxic masculinity while emotionally abusing me and my alcoholic mother. Chin up, sit down, don't cry, grow up, and *grow some -censored- balls.* His constant letdowns created so much inner turmoil in me, and even so, it impacted me. I feel like it's something I have to do.. to be a better man than he ever was.

I fantasize about finally growing facial hair (even though now, at 19 it has yet to fully come in yet), and even being a father one day. I want to be strong. I want to be strong *and* retain my sensitivity.

 

Despite this, I feel a dreadful discontentment towards my own sex. I've always felt uncomfortable with my penis and I've never enjoyed its performance. I feel that phantom vagina, that so many other trans people have felt. I still have that wish I've always had, to be born female. It's been this way all my life, just typical suffering. 

 

So I bought the sports bra. I've worn it all day and I've felt so happy. I used to be so utterly ashamed. Last week I drunkenly came out to my friends on Twitter that I've always had these feelings about wanting to be female. I received lots of support, but I regretted the admittance, and really considered deleting the tweet altogether when one friend actively held a 1-on-1 conversation with me about my pronouns in our big active Discord. I was secretly incredibly happy to be so open about it but it stressed me out a lot as well. It helped me find solace in that decision, however. 

 

I don't know what I want to be. I am a writer, and someone who wants to strive towards a life of meaning over happiness. I still love punk rock more than anything even though the one who showed me the world proved to be my greatest demon. I'm pretty sure I know *who* I want to be.

 

But I'm so utterly lost!

 

I know a therapist is the one to discuss with on this matter. But this is America, and I live on my own. Rent is the priority.

I think I am asking for advice, or encouragement. Maybe I just want someone to tell me one way or the other, but we all know how foolish that is.

 

Regardless, I'm planning to join the Navy for 4 years in order to fund my college goals, so I may resort myself to the closet until I'm 24 out of pure necessity.. and that's an utter downer. At least I can have more time to really look within myself and solve my dilemma.

 

I hope you all have a great evening. Thank you so much for reading. THAT means quite a lot to me.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi JTCaterpillar,

It can be very confusing when we're young and trying to figure all this stuff out. An important thing to do is take a deep breath and take things slowly. Try not to stress over it too much. You've taken a good step here by seeking support. The answers will come. I know gender therapy costs a chunk of money, but it could help you come to a greater understanding of yourself. If you could find a transgender support group in your area, that could help as well. And we are always here for you. You are not alone.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[DeeDee]

2 hours ago, JTCaterpillar said:

So I bought the sports bra. I've worn it all day and I've felt so happy. I used to be so utterly ashamed.

JT pleased to meet you! While I have not lived your life, I really do understand this feeling, every time I sneaked womens clothing to wear I would always feels ashamed of it and myself when I looked in the mirror, as I always did. 

That feeling you get when you wear the sports bra is what I get when I get a chance to wear the clothes I have, except now when I look in the mirror I see potential and what if's rather than shame.  I will never regret getting married or having children as I always wanted to find love, have kids and to be a parent - just perhaps now I am wondering if I misinterpreted where those feelings came from!

 

You will find a way to work for you even if you do have to save up for a while, all of the best things in life require effort to be appreciated - so you are worth the effort!

[SaraAW]

JT, welcome to the board. I can tell you that for me dressing when I can really helps me.  I am out fully as tg to only my dr so far. My wife knows I dress as she found some of my clothes. I am still so  scared, ashamed and embarrassed to fully let her in. So I wear underwear under my male cloths a lot to help. When she’s away for a day or two, I pull out all my clothes and makeup and really become me, Sara. All this is to say, you’re not alone. Like TimberWolf has said, take little steps, day by day. 

 

You mention you love punk. Can you work some of the punk culture into your appearance?  Paint your nails or wear some simple makeup like eyeliner that fits with that scene?  Wear some jewelry, get some piercings, or grow your hair out (this may not work if you’re going to enroll in the navy)? To me the punk scene allows for lots of little ways that you could incorporate some feminine features into your style.  As DeeDe said, “...you are worth the effort.”.

 

I know now that for me, being able to be me here, with so many amazing and supportive people, helps me through the tougher days. 

 

Have a wonderful day. 

 

*hugs*

[Cyndee]

Welcome JT and thanks for your intro post. Congrats on buying the sports bra

 

Your post reminded me of the first time I went into a store and bought my own bra, I was about 20 then.

 

Your quote " But this is America, and I live on my own. Rent is the priority" tells me you have your priorities in the correct order.

 

Survival first, then you create the space and means to be "out". I dealt with being closeted for so long, I built up my resources, while secretly "under dressing" or dressing in secret. These feelings can oscillate over time, I recall periods, where I did not think about such things, and then one day, the desires to be female came back with a vengeance, eventually overtaking me. The truth can not hide for ever, at some point in life we all turn to face it, deal with it, relish it, as a life lived in truth, is truly well lived....

 

I hope you enjoy your time here with us JT

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome JT.  Thanks for posting your story.  When i arrived here at first and read the posts others had made it helped me to find the strength to accept myself.  I always felt the guilt you describe as well as the fear that someone would discover my feelings.  Simply being honest with others makes such a difference.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Susan R]

Hi JT, it's a pleasure to meet you and I'm very glad you found us.  We all need friends, support, and affirmation.  You'll find it here.  Thank you for sharing a little your story.  So many of us have had similar experiences and enjoy hearing yours and helping out any way we can.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Jani]

Welcome JT.  I'm glad you found us.  You're not alone in your feelings so don't be ashamed.  I joined the Navy when I was younger and searching for a place in the world.  It was good for me and I hope it is for you, if you do go that route.  You will have to suppress the need to dress given the climate of denial in the military.  

 

Please join in the conversation, and be proud to be who you are.

Jani

[JTCaterpillar]

I really appreciate the kind words and reassurance. 

 

Thank you, everyone.