Hello! I'm old, and I am new

[LouiseRose1954]

Hello luvvlies.  I am here thanks to Sarahnr1.  I am almost 65 (July 5).  I have been pre-op mtf since 1992.  In 2011 I had been living female 19yrs, having transitioned while attending one community college and continuing as female at another for 3yrs.  I had no problem there. I was accepted and valued as a woman club officer, student and senator.  At one time I was the president of the LGBT club and my wife was the secretary in the disabled students club, where I was also activities coordinator. After she died and I moved and met another, we moved around and finally ended up at the same college, where I was once again asked to reside over the disabled club, this time as president. Instead, I made my wife president and became the vp. 
Then, in 2011 DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles in California) sent me a letter stating I could no longer have a female gender marker on my ID without written proof of SRS by a medical professional, and I could not have any other name than what was on my birth certificate unless there was a court order to do so.  It was also stipulated that I could not have a female name unless there was SRS.  So I was basically stuck and had to use an ID with a name I had not used since I was 19 and my gender was marked as male.  So in August 2011 I finally had no choice but to revert back to living male and stop my hrt. 
I actually tried to live as a male.  But I was getting very frustrated at not fitting in; not having any friends;  feeling angry and out of sorts.  Added to this, my wife and I tried to help someone by letting them stay with us for two weeks. When they would not leave, I became angry and forceful.  They retaliated by threatening gang violence against us, using my previous lifestyle as a threat.  The upshot was we were all evicted and my wife and I were homeless. Because my wife is diabetic, disabled and uses a c-pap at night we ended up in the hospital a few times; lived in independent homes a few times; and finally they put her in a care home that did nothing, but just let her sit there.  So we ended up moving to her stepsister's boyfriend's house and renting a room from him. We have been living with them, my wife's step-dad, and occasionally her stepbrother. All of them are very homophobic and bigoted, except the boyfriend. We have been dealing with constant fighting since 2016 and finally the boyfriend's mom is allowing us to rent a duplex to us, with him as our manager.  We are in the process of moving now, but it is a very slow move.

As for my experience as a TS, I started out with a love of wearing nightgowns, nylons and loving furs and dresses.  Everyone said it was a phase and I would grow out of it.  A lot of times it lead to adolescent release, but mainly it was the clothes felt right. I hated the boy clothes my mother made me wear. My nickname was Waldo. I wore plaid blue, green, and brown pants, with with the corresponding solid short sleeve shirt to match each. Ugh!  To this day I hate those colors.

By the time I left home I was a born again Christian and I moved into a Christian communal house in San Francisco, called Shiloh House.  It was another mission house that put homeless up for the night. They offered soup and bread with water at night and donuts and coffee in the morning.  I joined the house and began to help out with chores and reading the bible. Then I went to work as a  bike messenger.  Finally, I was given the opportunity to go to the ministry school in Oregon.  So I did-for 19 months.  I was given many opportunities:  working in canneries in Alaska, planting trees in Oregon, harvesting trees for the holidays in Washington, picking apples there too.  I chose to continue with the ministry after graduation as a cook for a house.  I went to Houston via Denver and cooked in both. Then I came back to California and lived in the houses in San Francisco, Sacramento and finally South Lake Tahoe. I worked at Harrah's Club, first as dishwasher, then student cook. I met my first wife there and my desire to wear women's clothes returned there too. 

My wife and I moved to Alaska and at one point, not knowing my desires, she and a little girl put makeup on me and dressed me as a woman to beat the boredom between jobs.  That just reignited my desire to dress and inevitably led to my being caught in her nightgown asleep.  After I confessed my desire, she was repulsed by it and said she loved me enough to stand by me and get me the help I needed to be cured of this problem or weakness. After several counselors tried to convince her that there is no cure, she just refused to accept it as a part of me, or us. So I repressed it. We had 3 children, two boys and a girl with a cleft palate.  At one point I came home and they were all gone and no one was willing to tell me where.

After a year I had to move for a job and only my family knew where I was.  All her family stopped talking to me. If I called they hung up. My letters were returned unopened.  After another year I received a letter from the court telling me they had just found out I was still alive. My wife had told them I was dead when she brought them our children.  They were all in separate homes and due for final placement. Because of the length of time apart from them they could not be placed with me until I went through a reinstatement program and a judge would make a final ruling.  I had to move back, find a job and still attend hearings and psychologists meetings. One of my boys was in a special facility for emotionally disturbed children and I tried to visit him.  After an interview and answering questions the way I was briefed to, it was determined not in the best interest of my son for me to see him.  I did get to visit the other two and had a wonderful visit.  But the judge informed my attorney that it did not matter. He had already made his decision to put them up for adoption and sever my parental rights.  My attorney advised me to sign the papers, releasing them. I was young and did not know better.  I kept thinking I was doing what was best for them.  I kept losing jobs because I had to keep taking time off to go to hearings and meetings. They told me if I fought it, they would bring up my sordid juvenile criminal past, with my children in the courtroom and the judge would still be taking them. So it was my choice. So I lost.
My wife told me Christianity was a joke to her and wanted a divorce, having never been a believer.  So I gave her the divorce. 

My second wife was older and a leading Christian in church.  She totally accepted my desire to wear womens clothes and encouraged me. Later, a psychiatrist found I had frustrations from being raised as a male, when I actually hated all men, including me.  So he had me go home to my girlfriend and tell her he wanted me to dress entirely female all the time at home. By the next meeting I knew it was more than just the clothes. I wanted to be a girl/woman. I did not know if it was all the time at that point, but I knew I had to let the girl out.  My girlfriend became my wife and she began to raise another daughter. We both went back to college. I transitioned there, without any help from any TG group. I did not even know about any. I thought it was just my weirdness.  When I took a human sexuality class the instructor gave me a switchboard number to call and informed me there was a club where doctors and lawyers went to once a month to dress in the gender of their choice. There was also a therapy group to go to.  I went there first.  That is when I learned there was over 500 like me in the Bay Area!  I was gobsmacked!

After this I was immersed in the LGBT community of San Francisco.  I went to balls, cotillions, dinners, coronations. You name it, I attended. As a trans girl I was one of many that were coat check girls for the coronations of empresses and emperors in the gay court.  Many of the gowns and finery would put the Royal Family to shame.  I became the Education co-chair for our club and had many speakers come and give presentations. We had Mary Kay tell us how to do makeup, someone else show us the art of wearing wigs, therapists talking about their services, personal shoppers and image consultants, charm school lessons, groups to offer self -defense and tip to keep safe.  We went on excursions, shopping trips, cruises.  I performed on stage with 'I am what I am' from La Cag Aux Folles, bridging into Diana Ross's 'I'm coming out' as I change into a gorgeous woman in gold lame.  It was a fun time and I learned a lot. I was going for SRS and had started my hrt.  We had transferred to another college as two women.  We were officers in the disabled club because she was disabled and diabetic.  But we advanced and even became senators for a while.  I became the president of the LGBT club.  My wife graduated with four degrees and thirteen certificates.   Right after that, we were going to start a business as an umbrella for many businesses. Unfortunately she had a small stroke, a TIA.  Then, in 1998 my wife died, and so did I, for a year.

I moved away,  finally volunteering to be phone bank captain.  Eventually I was volunteer coordinator and working with young lesbians.  They took me with them after work dancing at the club.  I met a woman younger through the campaign and she had me move in with her and roommate.  She told me she wanted to get to know me better.  I was still grieving, but we still started spending time together.  Eventually we moved into our own place and I became her home care worker. We started going to the TG clubs and gay clubs, meeting many of the drag queens there.

We moved to where I lived before and my wife loved it.  We actually went to the same college. This time I was asked to take over the disabled students club. I compromised by allowing my wife to learn how to run a club and making her president and me vp.  We continued there until we were evicted. Our age and health also played a factor in how active we were.  Over the years our participation in union, LGBT activities, even church activities have dwindled. I am still just as eager to encourage young people finding their way and welcoming all the accomplishments in the LGBT community, but our dancing and activism days are long gone. I am actually experiencing a lot of memory loss, and those things I learned about applying makeup to cover a beard I am having to relearn.  I feel, as I begin to continue my hrt, that I am starting over again.

I found out that I did not have to have my ID changed back in 2011. In fact, when I talk about it at the support group no one knows what I am talking about. So now I have the papers necessary  to have my name and gender changed on my birth certificate.  All we have to do is complete the move and I will take them to court and present them to start the process.

So I come here now for the sole purpose to be a part again of a sisterhood.  To find and give support to those finding their way. It may take me a while to sift through the forum and topics, but I hope to be positive influence here as I get to know each of you.

With love, LouiseRose

[Cyndee]

Welcome LouiseRose to Trans pulse forums and thanks for your intro post dear You're well traveled. Fortunately now for you, I believe the state of CA just requires a dr's letter stating gender transition completed, to change a birth cert to female, and of course a legal name change in a court order. Put those pieces together and you should be good. Have a look around our forums, and do post away as the mood strikes ya....

 

Welcome Hugs

 

Cyndee -

[DeeDee]

Pleased to meet you LouiseRose, ? thank you for such a detailed introduction. I have found folks here are extremely nice and very supportive to folks like me who stumble in with no clue as to who they are or what they're doing so feel free to add your wisdom into the mix!

[LouiseRose1954]

Dee Dee: Thank you for the welcome.  I will try to pass on what I can still remember.

Cyndee:  Thank you for the welcome. I do not know about a letter from a doctor, but I went to the gender health center and they have the court papers to fill out and fill them out and give them complete with fee waiver and these are all that is needed to get the changes made to the birth certificate. They have a list of the required forms on their website. I hope that is alright if I share that.

[Cyndee]

This sounds like an agency acting on your behalf, i see I would just remind our users to see community rule 9. But you are free to post of your experiences with this agency and let us know how it goes hon. I've heard from many others from CA that change their birth certs with a Dr's letter stating "Gender transition completed" and as of 2019 that does not require GCS or bottom surgery, at a minimum HRT for the pre op.

 

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Best

 

Cyndee -

[Sarahnr1]

Hi there  Sis  i see  you finally made it ? WARM welkome   ☺️  

[Susan R]

Hello LouiseRose,  is a pleasure to meet you.  I read your shorter intro on Discord which was very interesting and I thoroughly enjoyed this expanded introduction.  You certainly have had your share of trials and tribulations.  I'm glad to see you're in good spirits despite these life tests and finally landing here.  I think you'll find the members here are great people and extremely supportive and helpful.

You and I share many common threads in our journeys.  Like yourself, I became very active in the LGBTQ community here in the Seattle area in the 1980's after meeting people like myself at the Seattle Counseling Services' sponsored TS/TV meetings every week.  I attending meeting for years there.  It was a great time of growth for me on my journey and I still have many happy memories of that time.

I look forward to hearing more from you and getting to know you here.  You sound like someone who has many stories and tidbits of wisdom you can share.  Thank you for taking time and sharing a bit of yourself with us all.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[LouiseRose1954]

Hi Susan. Thanks for the welcome.  Yes, I have had a very colorful life. Roxanne and I even lived in Portland in 2003 and enjoyed a little of Darklady's parties for the alternative lifestyles community.  So I have very fond memories.  The bad news is I am starting to have memory loss. I am even having to search online for ways to cover the beard. I love your avatar. If you really look like that, I applaud you.  I do not. Cannot seem to get it all right again. But I will not quit. One day I will put up a picture good enough to post.