Introducing Makayla

[Makayla2019]

Hi All,

 

glad to be here, my name is Makayla I am 44 and have just admitted to myself I  trans. But that is my challenge and hence why u am really here to help me understand and come to terms with my real gender and to ensure that is really me. 

 

I like many many have have grown up since a young boy embracing the love for cross dressing but for me it was confused with a desire for leather and bdsm. It is only really of late that the real desire to present myself to the world as Makayla has become so strong. My desire to pass and to be able to just walk out the door is now at an all time high. 

 

But the doubt is and always been this kink or fascination with leather and in particular leather boots but all leather clothing as long as it’s female. 

 

I first started wearing my mums and aunt boots at the age of 4 or 5 and I use to love it. I would also wear there big winter jackets and leather gloves and run round the house with joy. I used to be fascinated with my teachers who wore boots. I was transfixed. And it’s never really changed. 

 

As I grew into my teens I was still endulging in wearing my mums and now my sisters leather boots and jackets. I used to wear them to bed. I still do. 

 

My my first sexual experience however was not related to me wearing boots or women’s outfits. It was related to a desire to be tied up. And this is where it gets complicated. I fee like i have deep desires to be the woman depicted in the literature or movies I was staring to see. I recall me saying to a school primary teacher I wanted to be kidnapped. At the age of 5 !!!

 

dont call the shrink just yet. 

 

So so over the years I have explore both sides of my secret and often together. This always led me to think it was all just a fetish. But now I am not so sure. Is it just chance that I am actually trans but with a strong draw to kink. 

 

Now when i go shopping or put an outfit together it often involves leather and almost always boots. But as I have become more curious about me being trans; I have had councilling and almost cried when I told her I want to be female !!

over the last year or so I have gone out in public and want to do so more and now I am finding I want to dress in anyway I can to be able to have a little bit of femme in my everyday life. 

 

I hope that makes some sense hehe. It’s complicated. And whilst I have admitted i am trans I still have doubts due to the strong connection and love for boots and leather. Am I woman who has a leather fetish or a cross dresser who has a leather fetish?

i hope to get to meet some new friends ion this journey as I go forward. 

 

Hugs 

M

[Jani]

Hello Makayla and welcome.  I'm glad you found us and thanks for sharing your story.  I admittedly don't know much about fetishes or BDSM.  You've admitted to being transgender but have doubts due to your fetish.  Is there a way to separate them in your mind?  Can you shop without looking at boots, etc?   Since you've had counseling (in the past?) do you think reengaging with a therapist might help clarify this issue for you?  

 

3 hours ago, Makayla2019 said:

It is only really of late that the real desire to present myself to the world as Makayla has become so strong. My desire to pass and to be able to just walk out the door is now at an all time high. 

I'm not trying to cure or dissuade you from your fetches but separating them might enable you to determine the depth of your need to pass and whether its true or a fantasy like effort.  Again, therapy is helpful.  I admit this is a highly personal journey we're on  and one persons answer will not fit someone else.  I applaud your effort to connect and try to find answers.  

 

Jani 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Pulse, Makayla.  Thank you for that interesting introduction.  I can't say whether you are trans or cross dresser or something in between (of course, cross dressing comes under the transgender umbrella anyway).  What I can tell you is that an interest in BDSM and leather can be part of the trans experience. I have a local friend who is well into the leather scene and has won awards at shows and conventions.  She is also a trans activist.  So, enjoy your interests and don't worry about that "disqualifying" you from being trans.

 

Please look around and participate in the forums as much or as little as you like.  You'll learn a lot, I promise.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Susan R]

HI Makayla, nice to meet you.  Also thanks for posting a pic.  It's always nice to see someone when meeting them.  The kinks, fetishes, fascinations or whatever you want to call them are part of many transgendered people's lives.  There are several of us here who have expressed very similar interests.

 

Back in the 80's, I had a female TS roomie that had a shoe fetish that would nearly put Imelda Marcos' shoe collection to shame.  I don't think she ever tossed out a pair of shoes her entire life but she seemed to be always shopping for them.  Once she tried on a pair of her sister's dress shoes when she was just 5 years old, it started her shoe fetish which then quickly expanded to ladies clothing and then years later, her desire to become a woman.

 

I doubt the shoes themselves were causal to her TS inclination or vice versa but it was incorporated into her life as long as I've known her.  It was related in some mysterious way.  Imho, it's common to have related interests whether it be a freeing sexual experience or just a feeling of comfort and normality...whatever that may be for you.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.  I hope to hear more from you.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Makayla2019]

Thanks all it’s so nice to finally be able to share and chat.

@Jani I do indeed plan to seek counseling  again in a few weeks when I return home from my trip. I do feel as though I can shop with out constantly fixating on boots but maybe due to my limited ability to participate means i prioritise. Yesterday I was shopping for clothes online and i went  nuts. I just wanted so many outfits. And only one pair of pants were leather hehe. That’s a start I think. 

One thought that has troubled me is whether I fantasise about a women dressed in leather because I want to be with her in deed I want to be her. Which is where I am leaning to now. 

 

@Carolyn Marie thanks for your kind words. It’s great to be accepted for who we really are. The power to even accept my fetish has been so hard but now i have accepted I am trans has liberated me some what. I am planning to go out to an event tonight for the first time as Makayla. 

 

@Susan R thanks for such comforting thoughts. It’s so nice to think I am no longer alone. That’s part of the joy of being free I hope. I certainly align with the comfort and normality. The feeling of being at one when I am dressed is so strong. Its such an aha moment. Since I have grown to really want to pass as female not just dress I have learnt to love having my photo taken so much so that’s pretty much all I do now when I can. Just trying to create an image of me that makes me feel happy. And i am usually beaming. Hehe. Would love to hear more from you about your experience.

 

Hugs all. Thought I would share another pic. Just to celebrate my outing. 

 

Now the other problem how to tell the wife? 

[Makayla2019]

Well hi all. I did manage to push myself to go out to an event last night only to get the address wrong and so ended up missing it. Boo hoo.

but....

being out dressed was so amazing. I even as it turns out walked around a part of town I was not supposed to be. And for one I kinda did not care. 

 

Driving to the event vent each time I looked in the rear view mirror I felt I say the real me and it created a warm feeling. A happy feeling. I wanted to dance. I was dancing hehe. 

 

But i still worry that all the euphoria is just sexual rush or excitement. How can you differentiate between them? Can anyone help explain?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Makayla,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

An interest in kink does not disqualify you from being trans. Other than gender therapy, the only thing I can think of to try to help figure it out would be to try being a girl vanilla style for a day or two and see how that feels. That means to not only dress vanilla, but think it too. While doing this, forget the kink. Try to think like a vanilla girl. Does it feel natural? Does it feel right? Does it feel empty and meaningless? The answers to these questions could give you some clues.

 

Then, if you had the opportunity to become a girl with all the appropriate  parts, and loose the Male parts, and it would be permanent with no going back, would you? Think about this question for a while. The answer could give you another clue. Crossdressers don't want to physically change themselves perminantly.

 

These are just a couple ideas to try to separate the issues of transgender and kink in your mind so you might be able to evaluate them separately. And which ever you end up feeling you are is ok. Just be you!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??  

 

PS: I love boots!

[Makayla2019]

Thanks @Timber Wolf aren’t boots just the most attractive shoes. 

 

I am am finding that now I have admitted it  to myself I am becoming more open and attracted to other clothing styles. 

 

I am in the UK at the moment from Aus and I am enjoying just wearing scarfs and jeans with trainers and a nice puffer jacked walking around. 

 

The biggest joy I am finding is seeing myself with long hair. It feels so normal.  I certainly like your idea of thinking vanilla which I do seem to do much more. I love reading fashion snippets to see what’s trending and hot. Obviously boots catch my eye more than most hehe. Also watching trans you tube blogs. 

 

This is more ore how I spend my time now. I still go onto fetlife more I think as it’s the first place I have expressed myself and love any attention. Plus there is a sub girl in here I am sure. 

 

Thanks again. 

Hugs

Makayla

[Susan R]

On 2/8/2019 at 11:30 PM, Makayla2019 said:

Now the other problem how to tell the wife? 

Hi Makayla, I'm certainly no expert on this but I can share a few things I recently learned about coming out to my wife of 22 years.  When I first told my wife, I held back most of the truth or I'll just call it what it was...A lie by omission.  I gave her a half truth about my wanting to transition to become female.  I told her only a little.  I made it seem like I was into women's clothing and that was pretty much it.  I avoided all the detailed discussion and she thought it was just a passing fetish. I didn't want include her in it at all.  I expected her to understand everything without knowing anything about what I doing.  Our marriage was in jeopardy.

 

The first serious mistake I made was not telling her my entire transition story back to when I was a child so she could get the full understanding of who I was.  If you overlook these details with your wife then how can she see why you are, where you are?  I failed to give her full disclosure.

 

The next mistake I originally made was underestimating her love and empathy.  I just assumed there was no way she would still love the person I am after hearing the details of my life story.  I thought if she knew the truth, she would leave no matter what not giving her the benefit of the doubt.  I failed to see how much she had to offer in our relationship.

 

I made yet another mistake by making an assumption she would not be able to relate to my need to become a woman or having those feelings and needs...even though she is a woman herself and understands these things.  I failed to see that she was able to put things in perspective and work with me on the issues.

 

When I finally took the time sat down with her and discussed in detail everything with her from start to finish, within days our relationship changed and in less than a weak she had become my biggest ally.

 

I can't know your situation and definitely can't predict to outcome of any disclosure with your wife.  I can say though, imho, you'll stand a better chance at keeping your  marriage together by first knowing yourself, not underestimating your wife's love, empathy & understanding, and giving her full disclosure upfront during the discussion.

 

Susan R?

 

 

[Makayla2019]

@Susan R dam it’s like you read my mind. 

 

I didnt really go into the specifics of my wife and our relationship but you seemed to read my mind. I was just going to post a question about how to be open about it. 

 

Back in April last year my wife discovered my rapidly expanding wardrobe and it didn’t go down too well. I tried to explain how it was something that was part of me and how I thought it was all a fetish. And I wanted to solve it. My wife was deeply upset and was clear she couldn’t accept me wanting to dress but understood it was not necessarily my fault. 

 

I agreed to to seek help and I got rid of everything. Well almost everything. I sort councilling and this helped but it helped me realise the real truth. About the same time my wife’s father was diagnosed with lukeamea. I decided I would Manage and try to focus on my relationship for the good of my wife. 

 

Luckily her dad has gotten better which I am so glad for. 

 

My curiosity though has not really gone away although I was able to refocus away from it being fetishistic. But the need to shop or browse etc was still there. 

 

My councillor had told me to embrace it as being me and so I was no longer ashamed of it and didn’t beat myself up. But I still hide that from my wife. 

 

We we are in a good place again and are talking about kids but I doubt my wife would be able to take me saying I am trans. Even though deep down she knows. She straight out asked me once. 

 

She is is my bestie and I am her rock and I think largely down to the fact of my indentity. I can style her outfits better hehe. 

 

But seriously I am not sure what to do. I am going to see counseling again to double check my understanding I am trans. Then decide. 

 

Thanks susan for sharing. I am so glad your wife stuck by you. I would be so happy if mine did but scared she wouldn’t. 

 

Hugs

Makayla

[Makayla2019]

@Timber Wolf

 

so i tested your theory and lounged in just pants and jumper whlist working. And it felt right. I had my headphones on and was dancing away. 

 

I then watched a video on over drawing your lips so thought I would practice that. Took a quick snap. Through on my boots though as the shoes help me feel complete of that makes sense. Is that a bad sign?

 

and why am I so fasnicated with taking my picture.  Is that a sign of being happy at what I see in the mirror. Is euphoria or is it an extension of cross dressing. 

 

Sighs. Oh and why do I feel sad at the thought of not being trans ?

 

look forward to your reply. 

 

Hugs 

Makayla

[Cyndee]

Nice boots

 

Cyndee -

[Susan R]

7 hours ago, Makayla2019 said:

Thanks susan for sharing. I am so glad your wife stuck by you. I would be so happy if mine did but scared she wouldn’t.

In my case, I didn't really have a choice. The week prior to full disclosure, I was in such mental turmoil knowing I had to tell her everything.  Counseling and my own conscious told me if the marriage was going to work, I had to be honest with her.  It turned out to be the right choice for me.  I hope you and your wife can also come to terms with all the changes.  It's a big step.

 

On an unrelated note...I absolutely love your boots.. I think I'm experiencing some "boot envy"..if that's a thing. ?

 

Susan R?

[Makayla2019]

4 hours ago, Cyndee said:

Nice boots

 

Cyndee -

I

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

.I absolutely love your boots.. I think I'm experiencing some "boot envy"..if that's a thing. ?

 

Thank you ladies. I do like to think I have exquisite taste in boots. And in my defence that’s partly why I don’t think it purely fetish. All my boots are always high end fashion not fetish types. Although I do love a nice pair of tall over the knee boots. 

 

@Susan R I hope your right. I know I have to tell her. Time will tell if she can accept it. 

Hugs

makayla

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Makayla,

I wouldn't worry about your love of boots or pics meaning too much. As I said, I love boots. To me, there's no such thing as too many pairs of boots!?

 

But who we are is not what we wear. What we wear results from who we are. We so often want everything to happen right away at first. It's exciting to finally begin accepting being trans. That in itself can be a start to releasing us from the guilt and shame society has had us living under. We get on kind of a pink cloud as a whole new world opens to us.

 

It takes time however, to really understand ourselves, and time is something we have. Some of the best advice I was given early on was to slow down and not be in too much hurry to put a label on myself. At first I didn't like hearing that I should put the breaks  on a bit, but after thinking about it I realised it was really good advice. I was able to avoid a lot of confusion and guesswork that way.

 

You are well on your way. Understanding will come over time. And as it does, it will be sound. Just be you. That's the best anyone can be.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ??

[Makayla2019]

Just now, Timber Wolf said:

You are well on your way. Understanding will come over time. And as it does, it will be sound. Just be you. That's the best anyone can be

Thanks @Timber Wolf that really helps.