Looking for some advice

[Confused202]

Hey everybody. I'm new here, and was hoping to meet others like me.

 

I'm a 30 y/o afab. I'm married to my husband that I adore and together we have 2 kids.

 

About 3 years ago I started questioning some feelings I was having. The 2 biggest questions I had been dealing with at the time is why I absolutely cant stand by chest, and why I am jealous over mens beards. I thought I was simply envious that I couldn't grow one. Sounds crazy right??

 

Over the last year I've started realizing these intense desires for a beard and flat chest were more then just that. It's not just a desire, it's a deep seated need to have these things to feel comfortable. 

 

I've always been a tomboy. I typically wear Jean's and a tshirt. I only wear makeup like 3 times a year...and that's when I have to dress up, but really don't like makeup all that much.

 

My hair is long, and I've thought several times about cutting it all off. Its something I really want to do, but I'm afraid I'll just be viewed as a butch lesbian. I dont know why I care so much about what people think, but I do...

 

I feel more at peace with myself thinking of myself as a gay man then a straight woman. I awkwardly discussed this with my husband and he was suprisingly supportive. Intimately, when he treats me as a man, it's much more enjoyable for me.

 

I've thought about transitioning but for now, I dont know if transitioning is in my immediate future. Is there anything I can do to feel more at peace with myself without starting the medical transition yet?  I think I need to just take the plunge and cut my hair. I'm pretty sure I want to get a binder, but I think I want to slowly add things to my physical appearance to slowly transition my appearance from feminine to masculine but I want to do it in a way that people won't question the changes until I'm comfortable with telling people of my trans identity. 

 

I think I just need to talk to people that understand. I dont live in a place that has any LGBT therapists or support groups close, and I've personally never met another trans identified person. 

 

Thanks for listening!

[VickySGV]

Just now, Confused202 said:

Its something I really want to do, but I'm afraid I'll just be viewed as a butch lesbian. I dont know why I care so much about what people think, but I do...

 

I have some of the most amazing friends who are lesbian and who totally rock the "boy look" so don't let that stop you.  Mostly people DO NOT CARE or really think anything negative.  The Trans men I hang out with all have their styles that throw people off a bit but are also wonderful people which you get within minutes of meeting them.

 

Welcome to the forums, it is great that your husband is able to accept you and willing to be intimate with you as you need. There are years of tips and ideas here on the forums, and if the post is not archived and closed to posting, post in them and things will reopen in that discussion.  Enjoy your time here.

[Confused202]

32 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

Mostly people DO NOT CARE or really think anything negative

Hi there! Thanks for welcoming me. 

I think that you are absolutely right. Most people dont care. I truthfully think if I were to cut it I'd be in absolute love after the first time or 2 sporting my new look. And I'd probably never grow it out again. Maybe I'll do it this week....though I've been saying this on and off for a year now. Lol. We'll see.

 

 

[EvanC]

Hi, I'm pretty new here too, and your story sounds a bit like mine. I identify similarly to you, thinking of myself as a gay man. I've been with the same man now for 30 years and we have 2 kids too.  So far he's willing to work with me with where I might go with all these trans feelings.

 

I haven't started medically transitioning either, but since I've realized what I really am is a man, I've slowly started changing what I wear, and how I act. I've had really short hair for years, but some things that have made me more comfortable with myself is I started wearing men's briefs, and buying men's t-shirts so they aren't fitted at the waist. Men's jackets and sweatshirts are great too because they are cut more square and hide curves. I hardly wore make up either, and throwing away what I did have felt great. I also moved recently and took the opportunity to get rid of all my dresses and other feminine clothes, since I realized I was only wearing them because I thought I should, not that I wanted to. Now the only women's clothes I have are pants, since my middle-aged hips don't fit into men's. I've also been thinking about how I walk and physically present myself. I'm still pretty much seen as a woman when I'm out and around, but the occasional "sir" feels so good I know I'm going in the right direction.

 

I may start hormones someday, but for now I'm letting my husband catch up to my feelings.

[Confused202]

@EvanC I dont think you can understand how extremely happy I am to hear this. I have been looking for different sources, support groups, online forums, and I have yet to find anyone that is like me. I kept thinking maybe I'm not trans, I'm just different then most girls. I do typically wear mostly mens clothing...and that's not a change exactly I've always just worn mens stuff. I bought boxers and I love wearing them, but they are made to fit a bulge...one that i can very clearly feel the absence of when wearing them. I was thinking of maybe packing. But I dont want to do that until I get more comfortable with other changes such as the hair cut...and then maybe binding, and then maybe start packing? I do pack at home alone...while my kids and husband are at school and work. Can I ask, have you talked to your kids? If so, how do they feel about it? My kids are young and I'm a bit hesitant to explain anything, especially since I'm not 100% sure quite yet.

[EvanC]

Oh, I definitely have moments where I think I'm not trans enough. I've been going on for 50 years wondering why I'm so bad at being a girl, but it took talking to a therapist to admit to myself that it's because I'm not one.

 

I haven't tried packing yet, but I'm starting to want to try. I know there are some threads here on the forum about STPs and packers that are really helpful, especially to me who didn't even know such things existed. I was always really jealous of my guy friends being able to stand to pee, especially when we were out camping or mountain biking. The hair cut can feel really nice. I cut my really short for the first time when I was about 16, and again in my 20s, and haven't gone long since then. I can't say much about binding since I'm really flat chested, like barely an A cup, and that hasn't bothered me nearly as much as my hips and waist. I did try a binder once, but it was so uncomfortable I didn't try again.

 

I'm in kind of a nice situation with my kids. My oldest came out as a trans man over 5 years ago. He's in his 20s now, and my younger child is still a teen and is non-binary. I told them I was questioning my gender identity about a year ago, are both completely supportive of me doing whatever I need to do to be me. It still surprises me that I didn't even consider that I might be trans after years of supporting and helping my son become himself. Oh, that reminds me, my son has been on T for about 4 years and had top surgery last year and he says that since people have started consistently reading him as male, he's felt more comfortable growing out his hair and wearing more colors and fun clothes. He now has long curly hair halfway down his back.

 

I feel like there are two parts to my desire to change right now, being myself and having others see me as I see myself. The best advice I've had on this site is just to take things step by step and not rush. There is no need to do it all at once, especially for those of us who are older and have others in our lives that may need a little time to catch up to where we are. 

[Confused202]

@EvanC that is awesome. My kids are 8 and 5. I dont think either would fully comprehend at the moment. But I know some people transition when their kids are young and they understand so maybe they would. 

 

I want to bind so badly but I'm rather large. I have DD cups and I've heard binding with larger chests is rather difficult. I'm looking into the full tank though because it's supposed to help give you a more square body....or the illusion of that? We'll see. 

 

How has your husband been taking it? My husband says he's supportive but I'm afraid of o start making these changes he will no longer be attracted to me...though when we had the discussion of me being trans, he told me he's bisexual and just never had the nerve to act on it. So I am hoping he really truthfully is, and if I choose to transition then he will still be be attracted to me.

[EvanC]

Hmm, yeah, my husband was kind of shocked when I first talked to him, and wasn't sure he could keep being with me physically if I changed too much. We talked about it more over a few months and he's now at the state where he doesn't know how far is too far, but thinks a point could come. But he still says I need to do what is best for me and he just wants me to talk to him about it before I do the next thing, so he can have time to think. We are taking it step by step, and I'm really trying to let him know what I'm thinking as I learn more about myself, and what my options are. It's really hard to talk about, because being trans is something I've been hiding from myself for so long, much less everyone else. It's become a habit not to talk about it.

 

 

[Confused202]

@EvanC I am the same way. I have a hard time bringing it up with my him, and an even harder time talking about it. I get really shy and awkward. I think its because I'm still back and forth with questioning myself...he seems to think I'm still questioning myself because of the social aspects of it. He knows I have a lot of doubts because I simply don't want to be different and stand out. 

 

Have you been talking to a therapist at all? If so, does it make that big of a difference? I know I need to see one, and I'm trying but we dont have any close, so it would be an hour and half or more drive, and I dont know if insurance covers anything or not.

[EvanC]

Last year I was living in a different city and I did talk to a therapist at the local LGBT center. It was really helpful. Just saying out loud to someone all the things that were swirling around in my head helped me to figure out what I was really feeling. I'm looking to find a new therapist now that I've moved. It's a bit easier for me because I'm living in another big city so there are a lot more around.