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Camie

I believe I am trans mtf, discovering it at 40yo

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Camie

Hi there all. I immediately regret the name I picked so please call me Camie.
 So lately I been looking into blogs and videos for those questioning their gender and general transgender issues.
The more I watched the more I found parallels in my own life. Every story a few things would hit me like an arrow to the chest. These moments I shared and had a hard time admitting to.
 As a young boy I was teased for my femininity, called a mama's boy. I kept trying to take my sister's barbies to play with.  After school, as young as eight, I would try on my mother's clothing when I could get away with it until my older brother found me then I stopped because I was afraid to be caught again.
 Years passed and as a teenager I found that by being goth meant I could get away with wearing skirts, dresses, tights and make up. I felt so happy to be able to this, but I grew older and had to get jobs so I had to stop again.
 Later I met a bisexual girl and we got married and had a child. I felt this pressure to be a classic dad, like I had a role to fill so it stayed put away. For the first time I was getting approval from my very christian family too.
My wife passed away when we were 30 tragically, leaving me the sole parent. Now alone I had to be mom and dad.
These feelings came bubbling up again, one night I had a dream that I was a woman, in that dream I was happier then I had ever been. When I woke up that morning I was sad to be back to male again. This feeling kept nagging me. I pushed it away for a few more years.
Then again recently, a dream came of being female and again I was happy in it, this is when I realized the stuff from my teens and childhood wasn't just some weirdness or a phase, I have a feeling I have had my whole life that won't go away. The more I get to know peoples stories the more I see myself in them.
To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me.
  I am hoping I can find people who understand this to talk to, that's why I am here.
I am a super active Discord user so when I feel comfortable I probably will join there. I am a bit of a chatterbox on discord.
Please forgive my username, I tried to find a way to change it but couldn't seem to find a way to on my profile.
thanks for reading ❤️
Camie
 

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Cyndee
1 hour ago, piegirl420 said:

 call me Camie.

❤️
 

 

Hi Camie, and thanks for your intro post here at Trans Pulse forums, you're among friends here. If you would like to change your screen name, simply send a private message to one of the Admins (Vicky, Mary Ellen, Carolyn, Dev, Petra Jane) and they can change it to what ever you'd like that is not already taken and within the community rules. This is a place where you can be yourself, the forums are here to discuss such topics Camie. I see you are in the Puget Sound area, this area is one of the more enlightened (IMHO) when it comes to such things. There are many resources available in this area to help, such as counselors, medical providers, and support groups. Reaching out is a great first step here online. Have a look around our forums, and post away as the mood strikes.

 

Hugs and Welcome

 

Cyndee -

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SaraAW

Hi Camie, welcome.  You will hopefully find this a great safe space to be yourself, explore your identity, share your trials and experiences, and learn from others experiences. I know the people here and their stories help me every day. 

 

*hugs*

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DeeDee
3 hours ago, piegirl420 said:

Every story a few things would hit me like an arrow to the chest. These moments I shared and had a hard time admitting to.

Hi Camie, pleased to meet you! This quote was very similar to my experience, some stories and blogs online I could not associate with, but with others there were enough commonalities to make me keep taking it seriously and keep looking. What did not change and has not changed or slackened in the time I have actually been looking at my feelings and desires is the strength of those feelings, which is why I have been able to admit that I do not fit the definition of a cis male. 

 

3 hours ago, piegirl420 said:

To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me

 

Start small and take each question as it comes. The folks here are supportive and wonderfully knowledgeable about just about anything you could think to ask. I have also had these worries and have so far only told two sets of good friends that I have known for years, overwhelmingly their response has been that they are here for me regardless of how I look on the outside, and if they can support me to just let them know how. Not everyone will be as cool, but at the moment I need people that understand that this is a process of self awareness where layers have to be peeled back to see what lies underneath. The only advice I would give you is to keep on being honest. 💛

 

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Camie

Thank you for the kind words and welcome Sara and Cyndee.
Cyndee yes Washington state is more open thank goodness, I expect to find good resources. I suppose my first step is to find a gender therapist.
DeeDee, thank you for the advice and input. I see a lot of people say not to rush, so I am trying to breathe and take baby steps toward my target gender. (Sorry if my "lingo" isn't accurate, still learning.)
 I started growing out my hair and taking other small steps I am comfortable with.
One thing is I am the father of a teen boy, who I came out as pansexual to in 2018, and he took that very well, he has lgbtq friends and was raised to be accepting. He cried of happiness at my sister's wedding to her wife.
However I know kids can be cruel, and I am scared it will cause him to be a target for ridicule.
I expect it to be a hard path for me, I just don't want it to be for him as well. I am thinking of just waiting until he is out of high school to come out. In the meantime I can continue to dress and do makeup in private and come out to my online friends.
Is that foolish?
To be honest it was always there, I knew and I suspect people around me already know too, but admitting it and living it is a huge step. I am trying to be honest with myself, which is part of why I am here.
I am ok with waiting to come out I suppose, but the idea of me dying male and never being myself scares me more than coming out.
I'm kind of still internally panicking a bit too so sorry if I ramble.
 

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Camie

oh also I will message a mod or admin as soon as it lets me. Currently it is telling me I can send 0 messages a day. If an admin reads this and feels like helping I'd prefer the name camie if available thanks ❤️

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Carolyn Marie
Just now, Carnie said:

oh also I will message a mod or admin as soon as it lets me. Currently it is telling me I can send 0 messages a day. If an admin reads this and feels like helping I'd prefer the name camie if available thanks ❤️

 

Carnie was available and has been changed.  Your log in password will remain the same.

 

Carolyn Marie

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Camie
Just now, Carolyn Marie said:

 

Carnie was available and has been changed.  Your log in password will remain the same.

 

Carolyn Marie

Thank you so much for taking the time to do that, however the name I wanted was c a m i e  short for cameron. Sorry for any confusion.

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MaryEllen

It's been done. It was an innocent mistake. The r n together looks very similar to an m and vice versa.

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Camie
Just now, MaryEllen said:

It's been done. It was an innocent mistake. The r n together looks very similar to an m and vice versa.

They do! No harm done, thank you for doing that, I appreciate it!

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Susan R

Hello Camie, it's a pleasure to meet you.  It's common to feel scared when you are embarking on something so new and different like transitioning.  Change and its unknown consequences sometimes cause this but it won't last forever.  The one thing that will seems to last forever is the need to deal with these feelings you have had throughout your life.  Clear direction and knowledge help end these feelings or being worried or scared to some degree.  There are people here that can help you with some of this.

I'm 56 and am now starting the process of transition because I could no longer ignore the constant reminder of who I really am.  It's good that you are reaching out for answers and looking for others like us for friendship.  I have found many answers and friendships here.  You can too.  Thank you for sharing your story and look forward to see more from you in the future.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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Ashlee
11 hours ago, Camie said:

Hi there all. I immediately regret the name I picked so please call me Camie.
 So lately I been looking into blogs and videos for those questioning their gender and general transgender issues.
The more I watched the more I found parallels in my own life. Every story a few things would hit me like an arrow to the chest. These moments I shared and had a hard time admitting to.
 As a young boy I was teased for my femininity, called a mama's boy. I kept trying to take my sister's barbies to play with.  After school, as young as eight, I would try on my mother's clothing when I could get away with it until my older brother found me then I stopped because I was afraid to be caught again.
 Years passed and as a teenager I found that by being goth meant I could get away with wearing skirts, dresses, tights and make up. I felt so happy to be able to this, but I grew older and had to get jobs so I had to stop again.
 Later I met a bisexual girl and we got married and had a child. I felt this pressure to be a classic dad, like I had a role to fill so it stayed put away. For the first time I was getting approval from my very christian family too.
My wife passed away when we were 30 tragically, leaving me the sole parent. Now alone I had to be mom and dad.
These feelings came bubbling up again, one night I had a dream that I was a woman, in that dream I was happier then I had ever been. When I woke up that morning I was sad to be back to male again. This feeling kept nagging me. I pushed it away for a few more years.
Then again recently, a dream came of being female and again I was happy in it, this is when I realized the stuff from my teens and childhood wasn't just some weirdness or a phase, I have a feeling I have had my whole life that won't go away. The more I get to know peoples stories the more I see myself in them.
To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me.
  I am hoping I can find people who understand this to talk to, that's why I am here.
I am a super active Discord user so when I feel comfortable I probably will join there. I am a bit of a chatterbox on discord.
Please forgive my username, I tried to find a way to change it but couldn't seem to find a way to on my profile.
thanks for reading ❤️
Camie
 

Hi! Omg your story is sooooo similar to mine. I too was goth for that reason. I started with black makup and slowly moved twards reds blues and then finally neutral makeup. I began transition the first time in my late teens and through my 20s. All of my girlfriends were also bi and I did marry a bi girl. I had a couple of sons and detransitioned (I actually had a breakdown from stress and trying to be a man) I fought off the fellings, kept short hair to try to try to be manly. Well the kids grew up and moved off the, wife and I divorced years ago and here I was 44, hated lookin in the mirror, gaining weight and falling deep into depression. After lots of research on YouTube I came to the same conclusion. I started losing weight a year ago and started hrt 6 months ago. I, like you was so very frightened about transition. I learned over the last few months that I am not ashamed to be trans. I am a human being and will be treated as such abd demand to be treated with respect. I am not less than human as some In society will try to tell you. I don't care anymore about rejection or ridicule from ignorant people. Guess what happened when I got into that mindset? I got support, respect, love and true friendships. I have completely come out to everyone now and live full time as trans feminine basically. Some days I'm all dolled up other im strutting around town in jeggings and a big confy baggy sweatshirt and ponytail. I get the occasional snicker but honestly I don't care anymore. I get more support than negativity now. All because I faced my fears and I just wanted to just be me. My endo actually help me with the courage to medically transition. She is soooo awesome. I even have my profile pict on Facebook with a trans flag on it and proud of it. Go look at it. Search "Ashlee Colt" It's your life. Live it. Living a lie tears you down so much. I'm 45 niw and only begun to "live". I'm happier and healthier than I've ever been. Build a life you can live to live. Be true to you. You don't owe anybody anything. 

Ashlee ❤️❤️❤️

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Jani

Welcome Camie.  I'm glad you joined us.  I woman I worked with had a daughter named Cameron who I later met when she joined our company.  I'm sure you are as sweet as she is.  A beautiful name. 

 

Yes we all seem to have a lot of parallels in our lives.  As my friends have said, you are among friends here.  It sounds like you have done a good job of raising your son.  I wouldn't be too worried about him understanding when you do come out as transgender.  Young kids and teens tend to be resilient and go with the flow.  

 

12 hours ago, Camie said:

To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me.

This is normal.  Its normal to worry about our lives and that of our loved ones.  When you do connect with a therapist and can talk openly with someone without judgement you will see that if you break down the parts of this it is quite manageable.  The fear will melt away.  And the real you will blossom. 

 

Jani

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Camie

Omg Ashlee, thank you so much for sharing that! That is really inspiring! Same on the make up too.
 I kinda known for a while but only really accepted it recently.
Idk if you all tried like "tests" to see if you really were (and are) trans, but I did.
 One test recently was buying some make-up, and when I had me time, putting it on, it's something I always loved.
So instead of going goth or whatever I actually did my make-up, I took some selfies with cute snapchat filters (which I never do as a boy) and looked at them to see if I am anywhere near passable.
 What I saw I never expected though. I looked genuinely happy, big goofy smile and all. Something you don't see in any pics of me.
This is all pretty new to me and that one really shook me to my core. I still have the pics and they make me happy when I look at them, it's the only time I've looked at a picture of myself and felt cute.
 I hate mirrors and pics of myself. This was a wake up call.
 

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Camie

Thank you Jani, you are totally right, they are resilient. I know a lot of it is overcoming myself on these fears. I am hoping coming here and admitting to myself these things will help me grow more towards myself and where I want to be. ❤️
 That is one thing I always liked was my name, thank you. Slipping into Camie has felt very natural.
 I actually talked to a friend about it for the first time today. they are non-binary and said they might be able to help find a good gender therapist. I am just hoping I can find a way to do it on state health care, I am a low income single parent.

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Ashlee
Just now, Camie said:

Omg Ashlee, thank you so much for sharing that! That is really inspiring! Same on the make up too.
 I kinda known for a while but only really accepted it recently.
Idk if you all tried like "tests" to see if you really were (and are) trans, but I did.
 One test recently was buying some make-up, and when I had me time, putting it on, it's something I always loved.
So instead of going goth or whatever I actually did my make-up, I took some selfies with cute snapchat filters (which I never do as a boy) and looked at them to see if I am anywhere near passable.
 What I saw I never expected though. I looked genuinely happy, big goofy smile and all. Something you don't see in any pics of me.
This is all pretty new to me and that one really shook me to my core. I still have the pics and they make me happy when I look at them, it's the only time I've looked at a picture of myself and felt cute.
 I hate mirrors and pics of myself. This was a wake up call.
 

Yes, sounds very familiar. I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria and that truly is haw it feels. I also used snapchat as a way to be happy with my image. I also told myself I was a just going to transition just a little and hide it. Just wear androgynous stuff, well, thats out the window. I don't own any guy clothing at all. All my jeans are stretch low-rise or jeggings. I wear some type of makeup every day. I get my hair dyed awesome colors and curled. I'm starting to be ok with mirrors. I go to group twice a month and surrounded myself with supportive people and let the others go live their hatefilled lives. You may try to look up support groups in your area. They really help. You are not alone and we've all been afraid. Afraid of shopping, bathrooms and transition but there are many many many of us all across the gender spectrum. 

Be fabulous! Be you! Do what makes You happy. 

Ashlee ❤️🦄🦞🏳️‍🌈

 

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Camie

Thank you! ❤️
I used to rock pink or purple hair a lot, went back to natural dark brown to grow it out. I miss it.
 I bought some under clothing, trying to be more courageous, I will get there. 

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Ashlee

Everybody moves to there own timeline. We've all been in the same place and taken the same steps. Who knows, next week you may be giving words of encouragement or advice to some with the same fears you're facing right now. Its such a great community. 

Ashlee ❤️

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Camie

Glad I came here and met you all. I am already feeling much better about things knowing I am not alone. 🦄

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Kirsten
19 hours ago, Camie said:

However I know kids can be cruel, and I am scared it will cause him to be a target for ridicule.

Nice to meet you Camie. This is one thing you shouldn’t worry about. My son is 12 almost 13 and this was one of the bigger reasons I was afraid to come out. But I have found over the last 6 months living full time that kids are awesome! They don’t care (unless they’re taught to which does happen unfortunately). My son has never had anyone say anything to him about me. His friends all accept me. When I go to his school for meetings the kids there don’t even notice me. So don’t be too scared of this. 

 

Plenty of great advice from the girls up there. Talking here has been a great help for me. Without them I’d be lost. You definitely set back what you put in here. So don’t be shy. 😜

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Camie
8 hours ago, Kirsten said:

Nice to meet you Camie. This is one thing you shouldn’t worry about. My son is 12 almost 13 and this was one of the bigger reasons I was afraid to come out. But I have found over the last 6 months living full time that kids are awesome! They don’t care (unless they’re taught to which does happen unfortunately). My son has never had anyone say anything to him about me. His friends all accept me. When I go to his school for meetings the kids there don’t even notice me. So don’t be too scared of this. 

 

Plenty of great advice from the girls up there. Talking here has been a great help for me. Without them I’d be lost. You definitely set back what you put in here. So don’t be shy. 😜


That is amazing Kirsten, I'm glad that aspect has been so good for you. Kids can be amazing too!

 I just hate that my son had to go through losing his mom to cancer and I feel like I would just be piling more baggage on him, and I know I feel this way because I feel like I am being selfish wanting to be acknowledged as a woman. Maybe I am not giving him credit or a chance to be the awesome kid he is. My son is 15, he said something that almost sounded like he knew already, but acknowledging it to him is a very big step, so I am trying to feminize as far as I can for now until I feel comfortable sharing it with him.
 I did have a beard I hid behind, people seemed to like it. Recently after accepting myself more I shaved it off and my son was surprised but handled it well.
Baby steps I suppose. I still got a long way to go. I am embarrassed to admit I had a beard. I see so many of you have wonderful pictures and it puts me in awe. So many courageous people, you all have such strength, such beauty. You all are an inspiration. Keep being you, and I will work toward being the me I want to be.
 

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Cyndee
Just now, Camie said:

I am embarrassed to admit I had a beard.

 

I am not embarrassed to admit I did too at one time in life Camie, like yourself I felt I was hiding behind it, you're not alone.

 

Baby steps, is wonderful way to look at things, you get it. Slowly over time the changes can be worked into your life, it's like layering, you keep adding layers until one day you realize, you're there, with a solid foundation.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

 

 

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Camie
Just now, Cyndee said:

 

I am not embarrassed to admit I did too at one time in life Camie, like yourself I felt I was hiding behind it, you're not alone.

 

Baby steps, is wonderful way to look at things, you get it. Slowly over time the changes can be worked into your life, it's like layering, you keep adding layers until one day you realize, you're there, with a solid foundation.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

 

 

Thank you, these kind words mean the world Cyndee ❤️

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SaraAW

I shaved mine off over the Christmas holidays. I was sick at the time and have been telling people that I shaved it because of that. I am still very much not out. The shadow I have triggers the dysphoria almost as much as the beard did, but a little less, so I celebrate the win.  The beard was definitely part of the male facade I had erected over the years and it definitely felt cathartic to be rid of it. Now I’m saving for electrolysis to do away with the evil shadow. 

 

I agree, stripping off layers of rust and adding layers of new and vibrant paint, a little at a time, bringing back the beauty that has been hidden beneath the tarnish, is the way to move forward for me. It’s incredible how many tough and ugly layers we create and lest fester to insulate us from others and even ourself.  It took time to build the facade and it takes time to take it down and fix up the neglect underneath. 

 

Thank you for sharing. You don’t need photos to be inspiring, just coming here and sharing your story is inspiring in itself. 

 

*hugs*

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      A lot of your story resonates with me. The family telling you what is right, and how to act. The abuse physical and mental. The abandonment of a family too full of themselves to make room for a daughter. The endless stories of how bad and wrong I am for being myself. The moments of living on the street to satisfy a mothers desire while secretly hoping she would realize and all would be forgiven. It’s a crap way to be brought up.  But there is more. There are people out there that will accept you. There are even people that will love and respect you believe it or not. And they can come from anywhere. This is a good place to start your journey. There are so many great accepting positive and helpful people here.  Dont be discouraged. Things seem to ebb and flow like the ocean. Sometimes the tide carries in some bad things and gets violent crashing hard on us. But eventually it recedes and the peace and tranquility returns revealing beautiful treasures that the waves have left behind. Hold strong to these tidbits. They can help you through the harder things.  Welcome to our forums Claire. Very nice to meet you.  ❤️K
    • Timber Wolf
      Hi Harrietta, Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!   It is scary. You not alone anymore now. We are here! Join in the conversation.   Lots of love and a big welcome hug, Timber Wolf 🐺🐾
    • Stillbourne
    • Timber Wolf
      Hi Claire, Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!   I'm sorry to hear of your mom's lack of acceptance. Something you should realise is that she's the one with the problem, not you. And being transgender or gay does not stamp a ticket to hell. You are not a bad person for being trans or gay. And you are a welcomed member here!   Lots of love and a big welcome hug, Timber Wolf 🐺🐾  
    • Amy LeBlanc
      That link you shared Kirsten does sound scary.  But with being on hormones for MtF with how my body is changing into what I should have been born as.
    • Kirsten
      Be careful Amy! This second puberty sounds AWFUL!    https://lifestyle.clickhole.com/6-things-everyone-experiences-when-they-go-through-seco-1825123336
    • MaryEllen
      Hello Fimdir, Welcome to TransPulse.  Thank you so much for sharing with us. I hope you and your sister can find the total peace that you deserve.    (I've made the edit that you requested)   MaryEllen
    • Stillbourne
      Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.   Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe. Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life. Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated. I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start? What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first?  I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress. However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.   You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me. Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life.  Honestly, I ate it up. Mostly because of the biggest catalyst to this cause, my mother and her favorite saying, "You'll never understand a mother's love. I could love you through anything... AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GAY." Well poop. I didn't want to lose my mother's love, so from an early age I became a master of macho and over compensation. Me gay? No. NO. I LIKE BOOBS. Ya, and trucks and guns, etc. You know the jig. Copy, paste, repeat, here I am on the edge of tomorrow and the mask doesn't fit anymore.  It's just so bloody hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of "being the man" and putting the mask back on. I've buried over my feminine instincts, beaten them down, beaten myself down and when that wasn't good enough, I've given the world at large a pliable floor mat to trod on. It's driving me bonkers. I'm sorry but I've carried a lot of pain and frustration making straight people feel comfortable. What about my comfort? When will, "You're so gay!" not sound like, "I found one, get him!" Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight? If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone? It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life??? Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl? I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is.  The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived. I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too?  I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here. Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me. I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward. Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice.  Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me.  So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.) If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker." Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life. Why is the label such a thing? Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?"  I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience.  Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through. This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things.  Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad? So I'm done hiding. I came out.  Now it's just me.  Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again.  It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers. So ya.  I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here.  Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere. I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now. Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start. I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do? Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person. Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues? Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core.  Any help? Please. By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start.  See you soon. 😘
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