I believe I am trans mtf, discovering it at 40yo

[Camie]

Hi there all. I immediately regret the name I picked so please call me Camie.
 So lately I been looking into blogs and videos for those questioning their gender and general transgender issues.
The more I watched the more I found parallels in my own life. Every story a few things would hit me like an arrow to the chest. These moments I shared and had a hard time admitting to.
 As a young boy I was teased for my femininity, called a mama's boy. I kept trying to take my sister's barbies to play with.  After school, as young as eight, I would try on my mother's clothing when I could get away with it until my older brother found me then I stopped because I was afraid to be caught again.
 Years passed and as a teenager I found that by being goth meant I could get away with wearing skirts, dresses, tights and make up. I felt so happy to be able to this, but I grew older and had to get jobs so I had to stop again.
 Later I met a bisexual girl and we got married and had a child. I felt this pressure to be a classic dad, like I had a role to fill so it stayed put away. For the first time I was getting approval from my very christian family too.
My wife passed away when we were 30 tragically, leaving me the sole parent. Now alone I had to be mom and dad.
These feelings came bubbling up again, one night I had a dream that I was a woman, in that dream I was happier then I had ever been. When I woke up that morning I was sad to be back to male again. This feeling kept nagging me. I pushed it away for a few more years.
Then again recently, a dream came of being female and again I was happy in it, this is when I realized the stuff from my teens and childhood wasn't just some weirdness or a phase, I have a feeling I have had my whole life that won't go away. The more I get to know peoples stories the more I see myself in them.
To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me.
  I am hoping I can find people who understand this to talk to, that's why I am here.
I am a super active Discord user so when I feel comfortable I probably will join there. I am a bit of a chatterbox on discord.
Please forgive my username, I tried to find a way to change it but couldn't seem to find a way to on my profile.
thanks for reading ❤️
Camie
 

[Cyndee]

1 hour ago, piegirl420 said:

 call me Camie.

❤️
 

 

Hi Camie, and thanks for your intro post here at Trans Pulse forums, you're among friends here. If you would like to change your screen name, simply send a private message to one of the Admins (Vicky, Mary Ellen, Carolyn, Dev, Petra Jane) and they can change it to what ever you'd like that is not already taken and within the community rules. This is a place where you can be yourself, the forums are here to discuss such topics Camie. I see you are in the Puget Sound area, this area is one of the more enlightened (IMHO) when it comes to such things. There are many resources available in this area to help, such as counselors, medical providers, and support groups. Reaching out is a great first step here online. Have a look around our forums, and post away as the mood strikes.

 

Hugs and Welcome

 

Cyndee -

[SaraAW]

Hi Camie, welcome.  You will hopefully find this a great safe space to be yourself, explore your identity, share your trials and experiences, and learn from others experiences. I know the people here and their stories help me every day. 

 

*hugs*

[DeeDee]

3 hours ago, piegirl420 said:

Every story a few things would hit me like an arrow to the chest. These moments I shared and had a hard time admitting to.

Hi Camie, pleased to meet you! This quote was very similar to my experience, some stories and blogs online I could not associate with, but with others there were enough commonalities to make me keep taking it seriously and keep looking. What did not change and has not changed or slackened in the time I have actually been looking at my feelings and desires is the strength of those feelings, which is why I have been able to admit that I do not fit the definition of a cis male. 

 

3 hours ago, piegirl420 said:

To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me

 

Start small and take each question as it comes. The folks here are supportive and wonderfully knowledgeable about just about anything you could think to ask. I have also had these worries and have so far only told two sets of good friends that I have known for years, overwhelmingly their response has been that they are here for me regardless of how I look on the outside, and if they can support me to just let them know how. Not everyone will be as cool, but at the moment I need people that understand that this is a process of self awareness where layers have to be peeled back to see what lies underneath. The only advice I would give you is to keep on being honest. ?

 

[Camie]

Thank you for the kind words and welcome Sara and Cyndee.
Cyndee yes Washington state is more open thank goodness, I expect to find good resources. I suppose my first step is to find a gender therapist.
DeeDee, thank you for the advice and input. I see a lot of people say not to rush, so I am trying to breathe and take baby steps toward my target gender. (Sorry if my "lingo" isn't accurate, still learning.)
 I started growing out my hair and taking other small steps I am comfortable with.
One thing is I am the father of a teen boy, who I came out as pansexual to in 2018, and he took that very well, he has lgbtq friends and was raised to be accepting. He cried of happiness at my sister's wedding to her wife.
However I know kids can be cruel, and I am scared it will cause him to be a target for ridicule.
I expect it to be a hard path for me, I just don't want it to be for him as well. I am thinking of just waiting until he is out of high school to come out. In the meantime I can continue to dress and do makeup in private and come out to my online friends.
Is that foolish?
To be honest it was always there, I knew and I suspect people around me already know too, but admitting it and living it is a huge step. I am trying to be honest with myself, which is part of why I am here.
I am ok with waiting to come out I suppose, but the idea of me dying male and never being myself scares me more than coming out.
I'm kind of still internally panicking a bit too so sorry if I ramble.
 

[Camie]

oh also I will message a mod or admin as soon as it lets me. Currently it is telling me I can send 0 messages a day. If an admin reads this and feels like helping I'd prefer the name camie if available thanks ❤️

[Carolyn Marie]

Just now, Carnie said:

oh also I will message a mod or admin as soon as it lets me. Currently it is telling me I can send 0 messages a day. If an admin reads this and feels like helping I'd prefer the name camie if available thanks ❤️

 

Carnie was available and has been changed.  Your log in password will remain the same.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Camie]

Just now, Carolyn Marie said:

 

Carnie was available and has been changed.  Your log in password will remain the same.

 

Carolyn Marie

Thank you so much for taking the time to do that, however the name I wanted was c a m i e  short for cameron. Sorry for any confusion.

[MaryEllen]

It's been done. It was an innocent mistake. The r n together looks very similar to an m and vice versa.

[Camie]

Just now, MaryEllen said:

It's been done. It was an innocent mistake. The r n together looks very similar to an m and vice versa.

They do! No harm done, thank you for doing that, I appreciate it!

[Susan R]

Hello Camie, it's a pleasure to meet you.  It's common to feel scared when you are embarking on something so new and different like transitioning.  Change and its unknown consequences sometimes cause this but it won't last forever.  The one thing that will seems to last forever is the need to deal with these feelings you have had throughout your life.  Clear direction and knowledge help end these feelings or being worried or scared to some degree.  There are people here that can help you with some of this.

I'm 56 and am now starting the process of transition because I could no longer ignore the constant reminder of who I really am.  It's good that you are reaching out for answers and looking for others like us for friendship.  I have found many answers and friendships here.  You can too.  Thank you for sharing your story and look forward to see more from you in the future.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Ashlee]

11 hours ago, Camie said:

Hi there all. I immediately regret the name I picked so please call me Camie.
 So lately I been looking into blogs and videos for those questioning their gender and general transgender issues.
The more I watched the more I found parallels in my own life. Every story a few things would hit me like an arrow to the chest. These moments I shared and had a hard time admitting to.
 As a young boy I was teased for my femininity, called a mama's boy. I kept trying to take my sister's barbies to play with.  After school, as young as eight, I would try on my mother's clothing when I could get away with it until my older brother found me then I stopped because I was afraid to be caught again.
 Years passed and as a teenager I found that by being goth meant I could get away with wearing skirts, dresses, tights and make up. I felt so happy to be able to this, but I grew older and had to get jobs so I had to stop again.
 Later I met a bisexual girl and we got married and had a child. I felt this pressure to be a classic dad, like I had a role to fill so it stayed put away. For the first time I was getting approval from my very christian family too.
My wife passed away when we were 30 tragically, leaving me the sole parent. Now alone I had to be mom and dad.
These feelings came bubbling up again, one night I had a dream that I was a woman, in that dream I was happier then I had ever been. When I woke up that morning I was sad to be back to male again. This feeling kept nagging me. I pushed it away for a few more years.
Then again recently, a dream came of being female and again I was happy in it, this is when I realized the stuff from my teens and childhood wasn't just some weirdness or a phase, I have a feeling I have had my whole life that won't go away. The more I get to know peoples stories the more I see myself in them.
To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me.
  I am hoping I can find people who understand this to talk to, that's why I am here.
I am a super active Discord user so when I feel comfortable I probably will join there. I am a bit of a chatterbox on discord.
Please forgive my username, I tried to find a way to change it but couldn't seem to find a way to on my profile.
thanks for reading ❤️
Camie
 

Hi! Omg your story is sooooo similar to mine. I too was goth for that reason. I started with black makup and slowly moved twards reds blues and then finally neutral makeup. I began transition the first time in my late teens and through my 20s. All of my girlfriends were also bi and I did marry a bi girl. I had a couple of sons and detransitioned (I actually had a breakdown from stress and trying to be a man) I fought off the fellings, kept short hair to try to try to be manly. Well the kids grew up and moved off the, wife and I divorced years ago and here I was 44, hated lookin in the mirror, gaining weight and falling deep into depression. After lots of research on YouTube I came to the same conclusion. I started losing weight a year ago and started hrt 6 months ago. I, like you was so very frightened about transition. I learned over the last few months that I am not ashamed to be trans. I am a human being and will be treated as such abd demand to be treated with respect. I am not less than human as some In society will try to tell you. I don't care anymore about rejection or ridicule from ignorant people. Guess what happened when I got into that mindset? I got support, respect, love and true friendships. I have completely come out to everyone now and live full time as trans feminine basically. Some days I'm all dolled up other im strutting around town in jeggings and a big confy baggy sweatshirt and ponytail. I get the occasional snicker but honestly I don't care anymore. I get more support than negativity now. All because I faced my fears and I just wanted to just be me. My endo actually help me with the courage to medically transition. She is soooo awesome. I even have my profile pict on Facebook with a trans flag on it and proud of it. Go look at it. Search "Ashlee Colt" It's your life. Live it. Living a lie tears you down so much. I'm 45 niw and only begun to "live". I'm happier and healthier than I've ever been. Build a life you can live to live. Be true to you. You don't owe anybody anything. 

Ashlee ❤️❤️❤️

[Jani]

Welcome Camie.  I'm glad you joined us.  I woman I worked with had a daughter named Cameron who I later met when she joined our company.  I'm sure you are as sweet as she is.  A beautiful name. 

 

Yes we all seem to have a lot of parallels in our lives.  As my friends have said, you are among friends here.  It sounds like you have done a good job of raising your son.  I wouldn't be too worried about him understanding when you do come out as transgender.  Young kids and teens tend to be resilient and go with the flow.  

 

12 hours ago, Camie said:

To be honest. I am scared. I am scared of the consequences of trying to be who I feel I am inside. I am scared of how the people I care about will be affected, and I am having a bit of a hard time with the realization that this is me.

This is normal.  Its normal to worry about our lives and that of our loved ones.  When you do connect with a therapist and can talk openly with someone without judgement you will see that if you break down the parts of this it is quite manageable.  The fear will melt away.  And the real you will blossom. 

 

Jani

[Camie]

Omg Ashlee, thank you so much for sharing that! That is really inspiring! Same on the make up too.
 I kinda known for a while but only really accepted it recently.
Idk if you all tried like "tests" to see if you really were (and are) trans, but I did.
 One test recently was buying some make-up, and when I had me time, putting it on, it's something I always loved.
So instead of going goth or whatever I actually did my make-up, I took some selfies with cute snapchat filters (which I never do as a boy) and looked at them to see if I am anywhere near passable.
 What I saw I never expected though. I looked genuinely happy, big goofy smile and all. Something you don't see in any pics of me.
This is all pretty new to me and that one really shook me to my core. I still have the pics and they make me happy when I look at them, it's the only time I've looked at a picture of myself and felt cute.
 I hate mirrors and pics of myself. This was a wake up call.
 

[Camie]

Thank you Jani, you are totally right, they are resilient. I know a lot of it is overcoming myself on these fears. I am hoping coming here and admitting to myself these things will help me grow more towards myself and where I want to be. ❤️
 That is one thing I always liked was my name, thank you. Slipping into Camie has felt very natural.
 I actually talked to a friend about it for the first time today. they are non-binary and said they might be able to help find a good gender therapist. I am just hoping I can find a way to do it on state health care, I am a low income single parent.

[Ashlee]

Just now, Camie said:

Omg Ashlee, thank you so much for sharing that! That is really inspiring! Same on the make up too.
 I kinda known for a while but only really accepted it recently.
Idk if you all tried like "tests" to see if you really were (and are) trans, but I did.
 One test recently was buying some make-up, and when I had me time, putting it on, it's something I always loved.
So instead of going goth or whatever I actually did my make-up, I took some selfies with cute snapchat filters (which I never do as a boy) and looked at them to see if I am anywhere near passable.
 What I saw I never expected though. I looked genuinely happy, big goofy smile and all. Something you don't see in any pics of me.
This is all pretty new to me and that one really shook me to my core. I still have the pics and they make me happy when I look at them, it's the only time I've looked at a picture of myself and felt cute.
 I hate mirrors and pics of myself. This was a wake up call.
 

Yes, sounds very familiar. I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria and that truly is haw it feels. I also used snapchat as a way to be happy with my image. I also told myself I was a just going to transition just a little and hide it. Just wear androgynous stuff, well, thats out the window. I don't own any guy clothing at all. All my jeans are stretch low-rise or jeggings. I wear some type of makeup every day. I get my hair dyed awesome colors and curled. I'm starting to be ok with mirrors. I go to group twice a month and surrounded myself with supportive people and let the others go live their hatefilled lives. You may try to look up support groups in your area. They really help. You are not alone and we've all been afraid. Afraid of shopping, bathrooms and transition but there are many many many of us all across the gender spectrum. 

Be fabulous! Be you! Do what makes You happy. 

Ashlee ❤️???️‍?

 

[Camie]

Thank you! ❤️
I used to rock pink or purple hair a lot, went back to natural dark brown to grow it out. I miss it.
 I bought some under clothing, trying to be more courageous, I will get there. 

[Ashlee]

Everybody moves to there own timeline. We've all been in the same place and taken the same steps. Who knows, next week you may be giving words of encouragement or advice to some with the same fears you're facing right now. Its such a great community. 

Ashlee ❤️

[Camie]

Glad I came here and met you all. I am already feeling much better about things knowing I am not alone. ?

[Kirsten]

19 hours ago, Camie said:

However I know kids can be cruel, and I am scared it will cause him to be a target for ridicule.

Nice to meet you Camie. This is one thing you shouldn’t worry about. My son is 12 almost 13 and this was one of the bigger reasons I was afraid to come out. But I have found over the last 6 months living full time that kids are awesome! They don’t care (unless they’re taught to which does happen unfortunately). My son has never had anyone say anything to him about me. His friends all accept me. When I go to his school for meetings the kids there don’t even notice me. So don’t be too scared of this. 

 

Plenty of great advice from the girls up there. Talking here has been a great help for me. Without them I’d be lost. You definitely set back what you put in here. So don’t be shy. ?

[Camie]

8 hours ago, Kirsten said:

Nice to meet you Camie. This is one thing you shouldn’t worry about. My son is 12 almost 13 and this was one of the bigger reasons I was afraid to come out. But I have found over the last 6 months living full time that kids are awesome! They don’t care (unless they’re taught to which does happen unfortunately). My son has never had anyone say anything to him about me. His friends all accept me. When I go to his school for meetings the kids there don’t even notice me. So don’t be too scared of this. 

 

Plenty of great advice from the girls up there. Talking here has been a great help for me. Without them I’d be lost. You definitely set back what you put in here. So don’t be shy. ?

That is amazing Kirsten, I'm glad that aspect has been so good for you. Kids can be amazing too!

 I just hate that my son had to go through losing his mom to cancer and I feel like I would just be piling more baggage on him, and I know I feel this way because I feel like I am being selfish wanting to be acknowledged as a woman. Maybe I am not giving him credit or a chance to be the awesome kid he is. My son is 15, he said something that almost sounded like he knew already, but acknowledging it to him is a very big step, so I am trying to feminize as far as I can for now until I feel comfortable sharing it with him.
 I did have a beard I hid behind, people seemed to like it. Recently after accepting myself more I shaved it off and my son was surprised but handled it well.
Baby steps I suppose. I still got a long way to go. I am embarrassed to admit I had a beard. I see so many of you have wonderful pictures and it puts me in awe. So many courageous people, you all have such strength, such beauty. You all are an inspiration. Keep being you, and I will work toward being the me I want to be.
 

[Cyndee]

Just now, Camie said:

I am embarrassed to admit I had a beard.

 

I am not embarrassed to admit I did too at one time in life Camie, like yourself I felt I was hiding behind it, you're not alone.

 

Baby steps, is wonderful way to look at things, you get it. Slowly over time the changes can be worked into your life, it's like layering, you keep adding layers until one day you realize, you're there, with a solid foundation.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

 

 

[Camie]

Just now, Cyndee said:

 

I am not embarrassed to admit I did too at one time in life Camie, like yourself I felt I was hiding behind it, you're not alone.

 

Baby steps, is wonderful way to look at things, you get it. Slowly over time the changes can be worked into your life, it's like layering, you keep adding layers until one day you realize, you're there, with a solid foundation.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

 

 

Thank you, these kind words mean the world Cyndee ❤️

[SaraAW]

I shaved mine off over the Christmas holidays. I was sick at the time and have been telling people that I shaved it because of that. I am still very much not out. The shadow I have triggers the dysphoria almost as much as the beard did, but a little less, so I celebrate the win.  The beard was definitely part of the male facade I had erected over the years and it definitely felt cathartic to be rid of it. Now I’m saving for electrolysis to do away with the evil shadow. 

 

I agree, stripping off layers of rust and adding layers of new and vibrant paint, a little at a time, bringing back the beauty that has been hidden beneath the tarnish, is the way to move forward for me. It’s incredible how many tough and ugly layers we create and lest fester to insulate us from others and even ourself.  It took time to build the facade and it takes time to take it down and fix up the neglect underneath. 

 

Thank you for sharing. You don’t need photos to be inspiring, just coming here and sharing your story is inspiring in itself. 

 

*hugs*