Nonbinary

[Nat]

Hi I'm Nat but I also go by Noah. I've questioned my identity since puberty and it has been a struggle. I have gone through so much over the past couple years and top surgery seems so far away but I'm saving money and pushing towards it, because I am determined not to die before 20. In my mind I feel like I'm somehow supposed to be a man and a woman, which has always caused conflict with me since puberty. I've never wanted a female chest or hips, but I feel as though my brain is female but my body should be in between. I have self-harmed in the past because of these feelings but I am glad to say I am getting better. In real life I use she/her because I am undecided whether I should come out or not because my family would not accept me or stop calling me their daughter (I have come out before). But I prefer to use They/Them pronouns, but she/her is still fine. My family members insist I'm a lesbian which is frustrating sometimes. I usually feel good emotions when I pass as male, and I wish I had more masculine features (jawline, no hips, deep voice, etc.) but not so much that I'm not a woman but not too little that I stay male passing. I wear a binder everyday and for hours and I just can't wait for the day when I get top surgery.

[Beverly]

Hi Nat!

The gender spectrum is pretty broad. What you're experiencing is typical. Where you feel most comfortable between the male-female binary ends of the spectrum is what's right for you. And gender fluidity is not uncommon, where we feel more or less feminine or masculine any given day. And that's okay. Even though I'm MtF and happily live my life now as a female, I enjoyed presenting as non-binary for many years as kind of a compromise with myself between expressing my femininity and being accepted by others in a transphobic culture. I recommend you check out non-binary gender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox. Her book "You and Your Gender Identity, A Guide to Discovery" is a good resource. She has a YouTube Channel, and I believe you will find her helpful. If you aren't seeing a therapist who specializes in gender identification issues, this kind of support can really help you, and engaging parents in the conversation at some level is also important. Be careful not to turn off communication. That's easy to do when we feel uncomfortable or threatened. Hang in there. You're going to be great!

Beverly

[Beverly]

The correct pronoun for Dara is 'their,' not 'her'. I started following them before the pronoun change, so that came out wrong.

[Jani]

Hello Noah.  Welcome to the forum!  I'm glad to read your self harm time is behind you.  Please keep it that way.  Don't worry about labels right now, especially since you believe your family would not accept you.  There is time for that later.  In the meantime you can dress androgynously, changing back and forth as you wish.  Be careful with the binder as you can do serious damage if worn too long or too tight.  (I'm sure you know this, but its the parent in me that is cautious.)  As to change of features, when and if you determine that T is what you want, it will address that quickly.  

 

Please stay in touch as there is a good group of NB here. 

Jani