hi

[Nina B]

Hi there I am a cross dressing bi male aged 33.

 

I say I am but I disposed of all my female clothing about 6 months ago as I got so confused about what it is I reall wanted.I have been cross dressing in some form since I was little but started to take it more seriously in the past 5-10 years fully dressing up and as much as possible transfroming myself into a woman in private.At first I thought that this was some sort of fetishistic thing that excited me,the thrill of it,doing someting taboo etc but the more I did it the more and more comfortable I felt being this way and I felt confusion and unhappiness over this.I have in the past recieved treatment for depression/anxiety and self harm when I was younger but it never works and I slide back into despair and self loathing again and again I have given up on doctors and therapy and just about manage to function (I know this is dumb to say but drugs and alcohol helps).When I dressed up and became a woman I immediatly felt confident and beautiful but over time felt I was just lying to myself so I one day on a complete outburst got rid of everything to do with it.Now 6 months on I keep getting the urges again and again and I don't know how to feel about them,I came here hoping for advice and some sort of outlet to talk about these things as this is a very private thing that no-one close to me has any knowledge of and therefore makes it hard to discuss.

 

I appreciate any advice you can offer me thanks

[VickySGV]

A good number of us here have tried the alcohol and drug route, and if anything, it really turned things pretty horrible since in the long run it gave us an added problem to the whole mess.

 

If I were to create a poll here as to who has "purged" their female wardrobe, the yes to "more than once" would be the most populated answer on it.  You are not alone there by any means.

 

On the same mythical poll. the "how often did you feel deep shame for what you were doing"  would be "years and years all of the time. "

 

In reality though, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of, and it was recognizing that I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of with the help of a Gender counselor that helped me deal with both an addiction problem from which I have been recovering for 10.25 years, and that I was a Transgender person who has now been fully out and living my life for 9 of those years. 

 

Welcome to the Forums, and I hope others will chime in here and let you know that you are far from alone in your feelings and actions.

[Nina B]

thank you I'm not very good at sharing this part of myself but I want to understand this stuff I couldn't keep it inside anymore.

[Jani]

Hello Nina and welcome.  When you read a number of posts here you will surely find that you are not alone in what you experience.  Drugs and alcohol are not the answer, and truthfully neither is purging your wardrobe.  IMO the best way to work through this is to deal with it openly and honestly.  As Vicky suggests a gender counselor is the ideal way to go.  I know signing up with the NHS GIC may take a while unless you can afford to go the private route for a time.  I hear that you're not ready to open up and share yet but this is the answer.  It is completely freeing to speak with another person in confidence about what is on our minds.  I know it was probably hard to write the post but you did and bravo.  This is one small step in the right direction.  You can do it.  I always doubted therapy but now I am a strong proponent.  

 

Don't be fearful of where this may lead.  It will go where ever it needs to go and where you are comfortable.  The only rule is you should be happy.   Please join in the conversation, we'd love to hear more from you.

 

Cheers, Jani 

[Nina B]

thank you I will try and be active in conversations

[Nina B]

I'm just not sure where to start is all

[VickySGV]

Just now, Nina B said:

I'm just not sure where to start is all

 

You are past the  point of starting already by saying that!!  You are doing just fine.  Keep it up. 

[Jani]

Well taking a cue from Alice in Wonderland.

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.  "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.

"Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

 

You've already started!  The key is to not overthink this.  Take slow purposeful steps.  The first step which you seem to achieved is admitting you need to do something, then coming here to learn and meet others.   

[Nina B]

I truly do miss the stuff I purged though.I kept a pair of gloves that got seperated from the other stuff,I tried to get rid of them but just couldn't do it.

[Jani]

I know the feeling.  There are things I bought over the years that I wished I had kept, but its all part of the journey.  Whatever it took to get where I am today was worth it.  I am happy!  You will be too. 

[Nina B]

yeah I don't want to silence my inner feminity anymore and want to share it somewhere.

 

[Susan R]

Hi Nina,  nice to meet you.  I feel your pain as to the purging.  Our minds can really play games with us.  I regret every purge I committed during my life.  There was always regrets shortly thereafter.  The damage done from my last purge 22 years ago is only now being felt.  I am having to repurchase everything.  Yes, it's nice to get a fresh new wardrobe but many of my favorite jewelry items I donated back then would still be useable today.

 

Thank you for sharing today and I hope you enjoy the site and people here.  There is an abundance of information, viewpoints, friendships to be found.

 

Susan R?

 

 

[DeeDee]

4 hours ago, Nina B said:

I keep getting the urges again and again and I don't know how to feel about them,I came here hoping for advice

Hi Nina, pleased to meet you!  Well done on making your post. Vicky is right about her poll and Jani is right about your story!   

I dressed almost always for gratification as soon as I became a teenager, and like Susan and yourself I threw everything out, but after a while I would buy something again - but when something happened that made me start thinking about it last year I realised there was more too it (and that it had started before my teen hormones kicked in).

I reached a point where I felt I had to do something and was equal parts terrified of what I would find out (whether it was a fetish, whether I was ill, whether I was trans) and ashamed (surely normal people don't do this sort of things or have these feelings?)

I found out that this is a safe place to read up, ask questions and even just vent my thoughts and feelings in the blog section without judgement.  Thanks to being sound advice I contacted an online counsellor and did sessions via Skype - just so I would not have gender questioning appear on my medical history - through the work we've done and the support I found here I have accepted that I do not fit the definition of being a cis-male (a term I learnt last year too) and only recently contacted my local NHS GIC outreach centre via a number I had been given last year but was too scared to call and am now waiting to see someone later this year.   This is your story - pick a question or a feeling you need to sort out and go for it! ?

[Nina B]

thanks for your kind words.I have much to still learn about this.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Nina,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Your story really isn't much different than many of ours here. You are not alone!

 

I stuffed Carla down inside me, hidden away from the world, especially  from myself. I turned to drugs, doing "the manly thing", etc... Finally Carla came out of the cage I had kept her in and wouldn't go back. 

 

I've found a lot of support here. We are all here for you, and we care.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??