Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

hi


Nina B

Recommended Posts

Hi there I am a cross dressing bi male aged 33.

 

I say I am but I disposed of all my female clothing about 6 months ago as I got so confused about what it is I reall wanted.I have been cross dressing in some form since I was little but started to take it more seriously in the past 5-10 years fully dressing up and as much as possible transfroming myself into a woman in private.At first I thought that this was some sort of fetishistic thing that excited me,the thrill of it,doing someting taboo etc but the more I did it the more and more comfortable I felt being this way and I felt confusion and unhappiness over this.I have in the past recieved treatment for depression/anxiety and self harm when I was younger but it never works and I slide back into despair and self loathing again and again I have given up on doctors and therapy and just about manage to function (I know this is dumb to say but drugs and alcohol helps).When I dressed up and became a woman I immediatly felt confident and beautiful but over time felt I was just lying to myself so I one day on a complete outburst got rid of everything to do with it.Now 6 months on I keep getting the urges again and again and I don't know how to feel about them,I came here hoping for advice and some sort of outlet to talk about these things as this is a very private thing that no-one close to me has any knowledge of and therefore makes it hard to discuss.

 

I appreciate any advice you can offer me thanks

Link to comment
  • Admin

A good number of us here have tried the alcohol and drug route, and if anything, it really turned things pretty horrible since in the long run it gave us an added problem to the whole mess.

 

If I were to create a poll here as to who has "purged" their female wardrobe, the yes to "more than once" would be the most populated answer on it.  You are not alone there by any means.

 

On the same mythical poll. the "how often did you feel deep shame for what you were doing"  would be "years and years all of the time. "

 

In reality though, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of, and it was recognizing that I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of with the help of a Gender counselor that helped me deal with both an addiction problem from which I have been recovering for 10.25 years, and that I was a Transgender person who has now been fully out and living my life for 9 of those years. 

 

Welcome to the Forums, and I hope others will chime in here and let you know that you are far from alone in your feelings and actions.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Nina and welcome.  When you read a number of posts here you will surely find that you are not alone in what you experience.  Drugs and alcohol are not the answer, and truthfully neither is purging your wardrobe.  IMO the best way to work through this is to deal with it openly and honestly.  As Vicky suggests a gender counselor is the ideal way to go.  I know signing up with the NHS GIC may take a while unless you can afford to go the private route for a time.  I hear that you're not ready to open up and share yet but this is the answer.  It is completely freeing to speak with another person in confidence about what is on our minds.  I know it was probably hard to write the post but you did and bravo.  This is one small step in the right direction.  You can do it.  I always doubted therapy but now I am a strong proponent.  

 

Don't be fearful of where this may lead.  It will go where ever it needs to go and where you are comfortable.  The only rule is you should be happy.   Please join in the conversation, we'd love to hear more from you.

 

Cheers, Jani 

Link to comment
  • Admin
Just now, Nina B said:

I'm just not sure where to start is all

 

You are past the  point of starting already by saying that!!  You are doing just fine.  Keep it up. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well taking a cue from Alice in Wonderland.

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.  "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.

"Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

 

You've already started!  The key is to not overthink this.  Take slow purposeful steps.  The first step which you seem to achieved is admitting you need to do something, then coming here to learn and meet others.   

Link to comment

I truly do miss the stuff I purged though.I kept a pair of gloves that got seperated from the other stuff,I tried to get rid of them but just couldn't do it.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I know the feeling.  There are things I bought over the years that I wished I had kept, but its all part of the journey.  Whatever it took to get where I am today was worth it.  I am happy!  You will be too. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Nina,  nice to meet you.  I feel your pain as to the purging.  Our minds can really play games with us.  I regret every purge I committed during my life.  There was always regrets shortly thereafter.  The damage done from my last purge 22 years ago is only now being felt.  I am having to repurchase everything.  Yes, it's nice to get a fresh new wardrobe but many of my favorite jewelry items I donated back then would still be useable today.

 

Thank you for sharing today and I hope you enjoy the site and people here.  There is an abundance of information, viewpoints, friendships to be found.

 

Susan R?

 

 

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Nina B said:

I keep getting the urges again and again and I don't know how to feel about them,I came here hoping for advice

Hi Nina, pleased to meet you!  Well done on making your post. Vicky is right about her poll and Jani is right about your story!  :) 

I dressed almost always for gratification as soon as I became a teenager, and like Susan and yourself I threw everything out, but after a while I would buy something again - but when something happened that made me start thinking about it last year I realised there was more too it (and that it had started before my teen hormones kicked in).

I reached a point where I felt I had to do something and was equal parts terrified of what I would find out (whether it was a fetish, whether I was ill, whether I was trans) and ashamed (surely normal people don't do this sort of things or have these feelings?)

I found out that this is a safe place to read up, ask questions and even just vent my thoughts and feelings in the blog section without judgement.  Thanks to being sound advice I contacted an online counsellor and did sessions via Skype - just so I would not have gender questioning appear on my medical history - through the work we've done and the support I found here I have accepted that I do not fit the definition of being a cis-male (a term I learnt last year too) and only recently contacted my local NHS GIC outreach centre via a number I had been given last year but was too scared to call and am now waiting to see someone later this year.   This is your story - pick a question or a feeling you need to sort out and go for it! ?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Nina,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Your story really isn't much different than many of ours here. You are not alone!

 

I stuffed Carla down inside me, hidden away from the world, especially  from myself. I turned to drugs, doing "the manly thing", etc... Finally Carla came out of the cage I had kept her in and wouldn't go back. 

 

I've found a lot of support here. We are all here for you, and we care.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 138 Guests (See full list)

    • MaeBe
    • Mmindy
    • Charlize
    • Piper
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • VickySGV
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...