Hello. New Here

[Me]

Hello.  I'm nonbinary and closeted in real life.  I want to live openly as me but am concerned about safety.  Since I don't I have real life support, I've been looking online.  It isn't the same as talking to someone face-to-face, but it's better than nothing.  More about me here: https://transvoice.home.blog/

Can anybody relate to wanting to come out despite not living in a very safe place?

[LouiseRose1954]

Hello Me,

I read your blog. I agree. It is hard to be different.  I am mtf pre-op transwoman.  I feel very out of place trying to live as a man.  Female is how I think, dream and feel.  I love everything about being a woman.  I even choose women as my partners.  I come from a life of being taunted and beat up for being different, but not for being effeminate or girly.  I was different because I had to see a therapist twice a week when my parents divorced when I was four.  After my peers found out I was ostracized and no one wanted to be with me.

With my dad gone, I was surrounded by everything female.  My mother, her women friends, and their daughters that came with them. For some reason they never had sons come with them.  Girls were about the only ones that would play with me.  So throughout my life I was always called names and beat up.  But I rose above it and I found the courage to go out in womens clothes.  It worked for me.  But it isn't the same for everyone.  I still hear about trans and others being killed because they did not fit others' mold.  It is a real fear. That is why there are organizations like SAFE and others that teach to be careful, walk in packs, in the light, learn to use anything as a weapon, even the attacker, make noise if you can, self-defense, etc.  If you are going to be an individual and be yourself, there will be someone you are going to upset and they will want to strike back. That does not mean you hide. That just means you plan and prepare.  When you go out, if you go out,  have a plan. For one, there must be more non-binary like you in your area. Or at least those that are friendly to them.  Search locally for a gender center and see if you can find others that will join you. There have to be androgynous people that you can hang with that will make sure you stay safe. Remember, there is safety in numbers.  Two is ok, but three is better.  

This is only for when you finally decide to go for it.  To be you. Because who you are inside is beautiful and the world needs to see your beauty.

Good luck and if I can help, let me know.  There are others that have been here longer that can help you too.

With love, LouiseRose

[tracy_j]

Hi Me,

 

Thank you for your introduction, here and in your blog. There are many people here with similar experiences and are friendly and helpful. I am sure that you will find answers and support to help. Please ask questions as you feel. 

 

Tracy

[DeeDee]

4 hours ago, Me said:

I want to live openly as me but am concerned about safety.

There is being concerned and there is being paralysed with fear. Your blog post mentions that you have already taken steps to make the outside you match the inside. Which to me sounds like you have conquered some really big fears.

"I like the body I am in now. It’s me. But I don’t like passing as a cisgender man. That’s not me."

I know I live in a relatively safe area where I would most likely just have to deal with verbal abuse unless some drunk men decided to give me "a good kicking" on a drunken Friday night, ? but it worries me enough to really want to blend as my chosen gender when I get brave enough to go out - and really doesn't stop being a fear when out as my assigned birth, I just have more practice at fitting in. 

I recommend only doing what you feel safe to do, but not letting fear of statistics rule your life - you know your area and situation best.

I would ask if you are in contact with a counsellor or therapist who you could talk to? even if they just give you a safe space in real life to just be yourself? ?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

I've found a lot of support here. I live in a rather conservative city, and am worried about safety as well. But things are slowly changing.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??

 

 

[Kole Rickard]

I am sorry about your past life. I hope that you have grown stronger with all the negative. I must ask questions though, it kinda confuses me when I hear nonbinary-transgender people speak. Though they are similar, they are very different. Nonbinary is usually someone who doesn't associate their self with any gender. They just stand for their self. They dont really lean on fem or masc. For what I read, you are having trouble with that. Biologically you were a girl. Now you got the surgery and testosterone to fit as a man. Though you do not feel like you are fully a man nor fully a woman. You say you feel too fem to be a guy and too masc to be a girl. I get that. But I am trying to understand how transgender comes into this. Though you are nonbinary, you are transgender. Transgender is usually someone who knows and is confident with what they want. They know they need to be the opposite gender than what they were born with. You got surgery and started T. Those are starts, but you say you are not a guy? For myself, I am FTM. I am positive that that is who I am... This is what I think. You may be gender fluid. They vary from one to another and yet sometimes lean towards both at once. Usually called they/them, they still have control or their look and know what they want to do. I am not trying to start anything, Im just trying to get more of an understandment. I am curious! My name is Kole and if you wanna continue this, email me on [email protected] or pm me on the website. 

[Me]

Thanks for all the support!  I'm so glad I found this site. 

 

LouiseRose1954, thanks for the advice.  After reading your post, I did a little research.  There's a trans support group that's nonbinary inclusive not far from where I live.  I'm planning on going to their next meeting.

 

DeeDee, I'm not in therapy right now.  Affordability is an issue.  I might be able to find a trans-friendly therapist with sliding scale fees.  So hopefully I can get back into therapy eventually.

 

Kole Rickard, I think I'm using the word transgender more broadly.  Since I was assigned female at birth but don't identify as a girl/woman, I consider myself trans.  In my heart I know I am nonbinary.  But I'm having issues figuring out how to move in the world as a nonbinary person when society demands I be either/or.  Nonbinary to me means not being completely a man or completely a woman.  I think it's possible to identify partially with masculinity and partially with femininity as a nonbinary person.  I think not identifying with gender at all would make someone agender.  I do like the phrase gender fluid.  That kind of describes how I can have more butch moods and more femme moods.  But a lot of the time I feel androgynous which is why I think the word nonbinary fits me best.  This is my best understanding of these words.  Talking about this part of me is new territory for me.  I'm still learning words to describe my experience with. 

[EliAtkins]

Hello Me and welcome!

 

As someone who has been identifying as gender-fluid for the past few years, I can relate to what you're going through.  Personally, I'm in a place where I'm not comfortable with my femininity (or rather lack thereof) and it's been making me question a lot about who I am and who I want to be.  When I posted some questions, a few members here reminded me to not get caught up in labels.  It's something that's easy to do, but you want to find who you're comfortable with being and learn to accept yourself before focusing on how to make others accept you.  You're you and that's great!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  I see that you've already found a lot of support, and that's great.  It's what we do here.  Please make yourself at home, and look around the forums for threads that interest you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Welcome!  Please join in.  We're a friendly lot.  

 

Jani

[Me]

Hi, EliAtkins!  I like the idea of not getting caught up in labels.  ?

[killjoyaiden]

To respond to your response to @Kole Rickard's response, you can still feel androgynous and be genderfluid. That's the beauty of it: you can be anywhere on the spectrum one day, and then completely change the next. There's a term called "transgender agender" which is sometimes called "nonbinary transgender" and Chandler Wilson on YouTube goes into this a lot. I think either that or genderfluid would suit you based off what I've read from you.

 

All the best luck to you!

 

My messages are ALWAYS open!!

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

[Me]

Thanks, Aiden!  I looked up Chandler Wilson on youtube.  I can relate a lot.

[Kole Rickard]

Alrighty, love. @killjoyaiden 

Its just one of the many things in the community I think is a bit complicated. For myself I'm sticking with that I said before. Transgender to me is someone who is solidly one gender, the opposite gender of what they were assigned with. Nonbinary for me is just none at all. You're just stuck in between, genderless. Neither female or male.