Hello everyone! Still figuring out who I am...

[Chloe2019]

Hi everyone!  It's my first time here and I definitely wanted to introduce myself, and who and what I am.  But in doing so, I'm going to need some help with definitions.  Of course, everyone likely doesn't pigeonhole themselves into a single category, but rather fall somewhere along a spectrum for many different attributes.  But I've been unsure as to how to "classify" how I identify, and am looking for input!

 

I'm a biological male (definitely heterosexual too; though I can definitely tell which females I find attractive, I'm not attracted to men, and am not even able to tell if a specific man would be generally considered attractive or not).  From the definitions of "transgender" I've found, a common theme seems to be the notion that a person identifies as their opposite gender.  It wouldn't be accurate to say that I "feel" that I am a woman trapped in a man's body; I don't feel confused as to what my gender actually is.  However, I very strongly wish I were female.  Is that also considered transgendered?

 

Though I am less concerned with physically changing my actual gender (though not opposed), I very much wish I were perceived as female.  At the very least, I would consider myself a crossdresser - I love to dress in women's clothes, wear a wig and makeup, etc., to try and appear female.  I kind of get obsessed sometimes with what I could do to reliably pass.  If I were to be able to wave a magic wand to make myself look female, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  That's where I'm not sure "crossdresser" would be the most accurate term to describe myself either; since though I definitely enjoy wearing women's clothing, it doesn't stop there.  I wish I were female, though don't feel I already am.  But 75% of the time, when I dream, I'm presenting myself as a woman in that dream.

 

I've gone out as a woman a few times in public, though consider myself only marginally passable at best (of course, I know what I look like better than anyone, so I'm probably my own worst critic, and don't really know how others would perceive me).  I doubt I will ever transition or come out publicly to people I know; I'm married with kids, and though the kids would probably ultimately accept me (they have no choice but to remain related to me  ) I'm not willing to take the chance with my wife, who would most directly be threatened by it.  Yet if I were to somehow "start over" in a different city where nobody knew me, I'd certainly look seriously at trying to live as a woman full time.  The best I've done so far is only maybe a week when I had the place to myself.

 

I'm kind of a mixed bag of "traditional" male vs. female characteristics.  I enjoy math, science, and technology, but at the same time can get quite emotional, even when just watching a good movie.  I sometimes cry when I'm happy, hate sports (watching or playing), and would far rather watch a musical.  At the same time, I like (and am good at) building, fixing, and working with my hands.  Then again, I'd much rather see a romantic comedy than a movie all about the action and special effects.  When I dress as a male, I don't put any effort at all into dressing or my appearance in general.  When I dress as a female, I'll spend hours trying on clothes, experimenting with makeup and my hair, etc.

 

I think that might come back to my claim of heterosexuality earlier - I don't find men attractive and can't fathom what makes a man attractive, so I don't really try.  On the other hand, I do find women attractive, and that's one of the reasons I wish I was one, and spend so much more time on my appearance when I have the opportunity to try appearing female.

 

So, how would you classify me?  Gender dysphoria is defined as "the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex."  As I said, I don't feel that I am female - I just desparately wish that I was.

 

In any case, that's about as concise a description of how I identify that I can come up with, but am looking forward to finding a community here where I can talk about things I haven't been able to talk to anyone about before.

 

Thanks for reading!
 

[tracy_j]

Hi Chloe,

 

Welcome

 

Please feel free to read around, join in and ask questions as you wish. There is a lot of accumulated experiences here and a friendly group of people with similar thoughts of many different backgounds and places. Take time to learn before trying to put yousef in any particular category. We are all different so categorising is not easy at times, even though we may feel we need a label. Questioning is a step to knowledge. Welcome to the world!

 

Tracy

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Chloe,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

One of the best pieces of advice I was given when I first came here was to slow down and not fret over putting labels on myself. Take your time and learn. Eventually you will come to an understanding of who you are.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ??

[Me]

Hi, Chloe!  It took me a long time to find words to describe myself with.  And I'm still learning new words all the time, so how I talk about myself in the future could change.  I agree with Timber Wolf.  You don't have to rush to label yourself.  If you find a word that fits, that's great.  But if you don't want to label yourself, that's okay too.  Welcome!

[Jani]

Welcome Chloe.   As Timber Wolf suggests slow down and don't worry about labels.  I would suggest seeking out a gender therapist to talk to.  I believe you would find it an enlightening experience.  I know I did. 

 

Jani

[Chloe2019]

Hello everyone, and thanks for the warm welcome!

 

I'm the first to agree that labels aren't as important as the full story.  I think it would be very rare to find someone who finds themselves perfectly quantized into nice and clean categories, and surely would never let a convenient "label" define me.

 

However, labels do provide a useful starting point to use when describing oneself.  For example, if someone wants to know more about my physical appearance, I can start with "Caucasian" and then go on to describe my unique characteristics.  Similarly, when describing my gender identity, it's useful to have a starting point.  As an example, for who I'm attracted to, I know I'm not bisexual, but rather consider myself heterosexual.  And though everything is a spectrum, I very strongly lean towards the heterosexual side of things.

 

For how I consider my own identity (or how I would like to), for me things are much less clear.  I consider that I exhibit at least some degree of being transgendered, though the full answer is more along the lines of "it's complicated" :-) as I imagine it is for most people.  I'm just looking for a starting point in comparing my own gender identity with how others see themselves.  And in describing myself, that starting point can be much more concise than the 8 or so paragraphs it took for me to detail the specifics of how I see myself.

 

I'm not trying to rush into a "classification" for myself, and the notions of how I see myself (and how I would like to see myself) are not new emotions for me; I've been living like this for more years than I'd care to admit.  I'm pretty clear internally on who I am - how I felt about myself hasn't changed for as long as I remember (though perhaps that self-identity has gotten stronger as I've gotten older).  But I'm curious as to exactly how unique I am (sometimes it's good to be unique, and sometimes it's encouraging to see others are going down the same path).  I would never let a label define me, though in the process of my quest for self-identification I find it useful to try and determine exactly where I fit in the LGBTTIQQ2SA spectrum (and the fact that they keep adding letters show exactly how diverse we all are!).  I agree that talking to a gender therapist would prove to be enlightening; one of these days I'm going to have to make a point of doing so.

 

Again, thanks for all the comments everyone!  It's nice to be able to be part of community where I can talk openly about all this!

 

Chloe

[Jani]

Hi Chloe, 

 

Playing devil's advocate I would suggest we not use labels because our gender (unlike our race) can be fluid, especially at the our beginning of our personal journey.  As a "starting" point I think we can safely say we are not cis because cis people never (in many of our experiences) question their gender as we do.   As you note, it is complicated! 

 

1 hour ago, Chloe2019 said:

I'm just looking for a starting point in comparing my own gender identity with how others see themselves.

The starting point is "how do you feel?"  Do you feel like a man or woman?  Go on from there.  Do you need to change the way you live?  Do you need to change your body (HRT or surgery)?  We all see ourselves differently based upon life experiences, genetics, and I'm sure other factors.  Furthermore, you might ask who you are attracted to although this really has nothing to do with gender.  

 

As to any of our "uniqueness" I would say all of us here are certainly unique!  We are all on a personal journey, yet bound together by our common direction.   Yes we can talk about these questions here.

 

Cheers, Jani  

[DeeDee]

9 hours ago, Jani said:

As a "starting" point I think we can safely say we are not cis because cis people never (in many of our experiences) question their gender as we do.

Hi Chloe, pleased to meet you - I classified myself as "questioning"when I arrived because I had no clue where I fit in, and still don't to a large degree, having lived most of my life fairly contentedly as a hetero-male I'm a gender newbie ?.  I could not seem to slot in anywhere but when I asked the above question to myself it made things easier for me - I do not fit the definition of cisgender at all. Socially and emotionally I identify far more naturally as female than male, even if physically that's what I look like 99% of the time.

Once I reached that conclusion I decided that since transgender is simply "not cisgender" - I fit that definition regardless of what happens.

Perhaps a better question to ask yourself is why do you want to know now? if you have been pretty clear internally for years - what's changed?