starting transition but worried about not being trans

[gracey01]

ok so sorry about the typical narrative but since i was about 3 or 4 i have had thoughts of wanting to be a girl. i used to pretend to cut off my male parts, dressed up as a fairy with my sister and have always preferred female to male friends. ive recently decided that i want to slowly start transitioning because ive spent the last year of my life just on forums and watching youtube not really getting anywhere. however, im worried that im not actually trans. i feel like this could be something to do with my ocd/anxiety, but whenever i think about transitioning or telling people, i worry about the consequences or that i will change my mind and thats what puts me off. in addition to this i worry that it will ruin my band, and we are doing really well at the moment  . another worry i have is that when i do anything sexual or im with my girlfriend, the thoughts seem to go away for a while, but they ALWAYS come back, sometimes a lot stronger. i'm worried that my gender is actually just a fetish and that id be making some huge mistake, although i know that if i had one wish, it would be to be a girl, and it always has been that way. 

 

sorry if you can't make any sense of this, but any help would be really appreciated. also if youd reccomend getting a therapist, im on the 2 year waiting list for that currently so i need to do something to help my self in that time  

[killjoyaiden]

What you are feeling is something ALL of us have went through, and still continue to go through. It's something that'll always pop back up from time to time. You just have to remind yourself of you growing up and your need to be yourself--which is not what you were assigned at birth. When this happens at school or something, I always talk to my friends about it and they show me why I'm being "crazy" and how I AM a man. Then we go off on our regular randomness and it distracts me from it.

 

Just remember that those doubts are VERY common. Alex Bertie has talked about it, and uppercasechase1 (youtubers) and also a whole plethora of more trans people in the media. With people who don't understand it saying that it's all in our heads, mixed with the MINISCULE amount of people who decide to detransition and that being spread all over the media, it's hard to be secure in who you are. However, that will come in time and you'll be the happiest you've ever been.

 

My messages are ALWAYS open!! Message me anytime you want, even if it's for just a "Hi how are you?"

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, gracey01 said:

i feel like this could be something to do with my ocd/anxiety, but whenever i think about transitioning or telling people, i worry about the consequences or that i will change my mind and thats what puts me off.

 

Gender Dysphoria and the other issues here can live in the same body very easily and all be very real parts of your life.   The ocd /anxiety is about the same rate for Trans people as for the Cis folks.  As the old cliche goes, " just because you are paranoid (I am) it doesn't mean they are NOT out to get you".  It will take a therapist who is skilled in gender issues which is in addition to their skills in dealing with OCD / Anxiety and other things to help you separate them out and deal with each one specifically all on its own.  The fact you have had all of the list of things pointing you to be a gender other than the one given at birth definitely means you are Trans, since a Cis person will not experience those events for as long and as intensely as you have had them.  The question is simply what steps you will need to take to deal with the GD, and that is you and a therapist working for a long time.

 

As for your band, here where I live we have quite a few musical groups who are doing wonders with Trans members.  One of our Moderators is a guitar player with at least one, and I am the sound tech with a chorus of all Trans / Enby people who's performances have been broadcast to Europe and in Canada.  As long as your band members are cool, which musicians tend to be, you could make them even better with audiences that love our music.

[Beatrice Crawford]

Negative advice with a possitive spin.

 

Before I get started, see a therapist.  Seriously see a therapist. Had to be said twice just to be sure.

 

Though I don't advocate for rash decisions, think of this another way.  HRT takes a really really long time to work.  In that time you can always stop, sure you won't be able to undo what you've already done and the hormones don't stop functioning for a bit but you will be much more sure.

 

What I am saying is you can always choose different.  That said take the choice seriously, but when you choose to move in any direction RUN that way.  People change and so do the things they want

[VickySGV]

Just now, Beatrice Crawford said:

HRT takes a really really long time to work.  In that time you can always stop,

 

Some therapists actually use HRT as part of the diagnostic work up on patients.  You know pretty quickly in the game if they ARE NOT right for you.  I have friends and therapist friends who have seen this full on.  The ones for whom it is not helping still usually stay at some place under the Trans umbrella but do not use surgical or hormonal methods.

[Stillbourne]

Hi Gracey. Your words mirror my own thoughts and feelings. I'm new here. Your post was the first one I read. I was hoping to see if anyone else felt like me. Thank you for taking the time to articulate your concerns and express them. Seeing your struggle and how the others reply to you has helped give me clarity and strength.

Thank you.

 

[Katelyn]

Funny, I decided to revisit the forums because I'm finding myself in a similar mindset. The fetish part especially hits home. It's a kink or a phase or maybe I'm just blaming my life's failures on my gender or its because I'm trying to escape the responsibilities of being a man, or I'm actually just mentally ill. I rant to myself to try and find a logical way of talking about it to someone else and making sense out of it all for myself but just end up confusing myself more. I mean what if its a mistake right. You may be able to reverse the process mostly but can you remove the memories of those around you and potentially the shame and damage to relationships?

 

The advise here seems logical but that internalised fear demon... Youch. 

 

Good luck Gracey.

[MarcieMarie12]

For me and some other trans folks, within 3 weeks we saw positive mental effects. It is part of the process in learning to understand ourselves and some of that is our doubts about it. But for myself and I think many others it is an issue of taking one step see how it feels and then going on to the next step if we need  to. For me this process took about a year and a half from start to GCS. But other take longer and a few take less.....

 

Doubts are normal, but I tried being "Marcie" for an evening out, then a weekend, and then a month everywhere but work. What I found is the longer I spent as "Marcie" the more I despised having to go back to being him. From this I realized that I am about as positive that I am trans as the sun will rise in the morning. After that point I started HRT.

 

But get a therapist, they are invaluable in going through this process. Ask a transgender person for recommendations in your area. 

[Charlize]

On 3/5/2019 at 4:02 PM, gracey01 said:

im on the 2 year waiting list for that currently so i need to do something to help my self in that time  

I think it's great that therapy is in your future. I know that therapy helped me find and accept a path and myself.  

So what to do?  I spent a great deal of time here reading about others and posting about my small steps.  I spent more time in the world presenting as myself while away from home.  It took time to be comfortable with others.  At first the fear was terrible but little by little i was just myself.  I went to see the therapist dressed.  I had begun the process and speaking to her served to make me even more certain.  Doubts may always exist but i'm not alone in that.  I am a trans woman and doubts seem to simply go with that reality. The fact is that i'm finally at peace with myself 98% of the time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KymmieL]

I think all of us here. Have had the very same inner conflict . Am I trans or ??? I have and after remembering that I have always had girly thoughts. Wishing I could wear girl things. I realized that I need to finally after 50+ years of those thoughts. Bring that inner girl out and finally be come her.

 

Kymmie

[Marbabar]

I feel the same way, very often. No matter the milestones I reach, no matter the validation I get, no matter what, it always pops up eventually, that I'm a fraud, that this isn't real, that I'm just confused and making mistakes. I don't know if certainty is absolutely attainable, but so far it eludes me too. I hope you can find a way to enjoy both the journey and the doubts that come along with it. You're beautiful no matter what you do in the end.

[killjoyaiden]

I'm terrified of the exact same thing..