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gracey01

starting transition but worried about not being trans

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gracey01

ok so sorry about the typical narrative but since i was about 3 or 4 i have had thoughts of wanting to be a girl. i used to pretend to cut off my male parts, dressed up as a fairy with my sister and have always preferred female to male friends. ive recently decided that i want to slowly start transitioning because ive spent the last year of my life just on forums and watching youtube not really getting anywhere. however, im worried that im not actually trans. i feel like this could be something to do with my ocd/anxiety, but whenever i think about transitioning or telling people, i worry about the consequences or that i will change my mind and thats what puts me off. in addition to this i worry that it will ruin my band, and we are doing really well at the moment :( . another worry i have is that when i do anything sexual or im with my girlfriend, the thoughts seem to go away for a while, but they ALWAYS come back, sometimes a lot stronger. i'm worried that my gender is actually just a fetish and that id be making some huge mistake, although i know that if i had one wish, it would be to be a girl, and it always has been that way. 

 

sorry if you can't make any sense of this, but any help would be really appreciated. also if youd reccomend getting a therapist, im on the 2 year waiting list for that currently so i need to do something to help my self in that time :( 

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killjoyaiden

What you are feeling is something ALL of us have went through, and still continue to go through. It's something that'll always pop back up from time to time. You just have to remind yourself of you growing up and your need to be yourself--which is not what you were assigned at birth. When this happens at school or something, I always talk to my friends about it and they show me why I'm being "crazy" and how I AM a man. Then we go off on our regular randomness and it distracts me from it.

 

Just remember that those doubts are VERY common. Alex Bertie has talked about it, and uppercasechase1 (youtubers) and also a whole plethora of more trans people in the media. With people who don't understand it saying that it's all in our heads, mixed with the MINISCULE amount of people who decide to detransition and that being spread all over the media, it's hard to be secure in who you are. However, that will come in time and you'll be the happiest you've ever been.

 

My messages are ALWAYS open!! Message me anytime you want, even if it's for just a "Hi how are you?"

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

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VickySGV
2 hours ago, gracey01 said:

i feel like this could be something to do with my ocd/anxiety, but whenever i think about transitioning or telling people, i worry about the consequences or that i will change my mind and thats what puts me off.

 

Gender Dysphoria and the other issues here can live in the same body very easily and all be very real parts of your life.   The ocd /anxiety is about the same rate for Trans people as for the Cis folks.  As the old cliche goes, " just because you are paranoid (I am) it doesn't mean they are NOT out to get you".  It will take a therapist who is skilled in gender issues which is in addition to their skills in dealing with OCD / Anxiety and other things to help you separate them out and deal with each one specifically all on its own.  The fact you have had all of the list of things pointing you to be a gender other than the one given at birth definitely means you are Trans, since a Cis person will not experience those events for as long and as intensely as you have had them.  The question is simply what steps you will need to take to deal with the GD, and that is you and a therapist working for a long time.

 

As for your band, here where I live we have quite a few musical groups who are doing wonders with Trans members.  One of our Moderators is a guitar player with at least one, and I am the sound tech with a chorus of all Trans / Enby people who's performances have been broadcast to Europe and in Canada.  As long as your band members are cool, which musicians tend to be, you could make them even better with audiences that love our music.

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Beatrice Crawford

Negative advice with a possitive spin.

 

Before I get started, see a therapist.  Seriously see a therapist. Had to be said twice just to be sure.

 

Though I don't advocate for rash decisions, think of this another way.  HRT takes a really really long time to work.  In that time you can always stop, sure you won't be able to undo what you've already done and the hormones don't stop functioning for a bit but you will be much more sure.

 

What I am saying is you can always choose different.  That said take the choice seriously, but when you choose to move in any direction RUN that way.  People change and so do the things they want

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VickySGV
Just now, Beatrice Crawford said:

HRT takes a really really long time to work.  In that time you can always stop,

 

Some therapists actually use HRT as part of the diagnostic work up on patients.  You know pretty quickly in the game if they ARE NOT right for you.  I have friends and therapist friends who have seen this full on.  The ones for whom it is not helping still usually stay at some place under the Trans umbrella but do not use surgical or hormonal methods.

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Stillbourne

Hi Gracey. Your words mirror my own thoughts and feelings. I'm new here. Your post was the first one I read. I was hoping to see if anyone else felt like me. Thank you for taking the time to articulate your concerns and express them. Seeing your struggle and how the others reply to you has helped give me clarity and strength.

Thank you.

 

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Katelyn

Funny, I decided to revisit the forums because I'm finding myself in a similar mindset. The fetish part especially hits home. It's a kink or a phase or maybe I'm just blaming my life's failures on my gender or its because I'm trying to escape the responsibilities of being a man, or I'm actually just mentally ill. I rant to myself to try and find a logical way of talking about it to someone else and making sense out of it all for myself but just end up confusing myself more. I mean what if its a mistake right. You may be able to reverse the process mostly but can you remove the memories of those around you and potentially the shame and damage to relationships?

 

The advise here seems logical but that internalised fear demon... Youch. 

 

Good luck Gracey.

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MarcieMarie12

For me and some other trans folks, within 3 weeks we saw positive mental effects. It is part of the process in learning to understand ourselves and some of that is our doubts about it. But for myself and I think many others it is an issue of taking one step see how it feels and then going on to the next step if we need  to. For me this process took about a year and a half from start to GCS. But other take longer and a few take less.....

 

Doubts are normal, but I tried being "Marcie" for an evening out, then a weekend, and then a month everywhere but work. What I found is the longer I spent as "Marcie" the more I despised having to go back to being him. From this I realized that I am about as positive that I am trans as the sun will rise in the morning. After that point I started HRT.

 

But get a therapist, they are invaluable in going through this process. Ask a transgender person for recommendations in your area. 

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Charlize
On 3/5/2019 at 4:02 PM, gracey01 said:

im on the 2 year waiting list for that currently so i need to do something to help my self in that time :( 

I think it's great that therapy is in your future. I know that therapy helped me find and accept a path and myself.  

So what to do?  I spent a great deal of time here reading about others and posting about my small steps.  I spent more time in the world presenting as myself while away from home.  It took time to be comfortable with others.  At first the fear was terrible but little by little i was just myself.  I went to see the therapist dressed.  I had begun the process and speaking to her served to make me even more certain.  Doubts may always exist but i'm not alone in that.  I am a trans woman and doubts seem to simply go with that reality. The fact is that i'm finally at peace with myself 98% of the time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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KymmieL

I think all of us here. Have had the very same inner conflict . Am I trans or ??? I have and after remembering that I have always had girly thoughts. Wishing I could wear girl things. I realized that I need to finally after 50+ years of those thoughts. Bring that inner girl out and finally be come her.

 

Kymmie

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Marbabar

I feel the same way, very often. No matter the milestones I reach, no matter the validation I get, no matter what, it always pops up eventually, that I'm a fraud, that this isn't real, that I'm just confused and making mistakes. I don't know if certainty is absolutely attainable, but so far it eludes me too. I hope you can find a way to enjoy both the journey and the doubts that come along with it. You're beautiful no matter what you do in the end.

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killjoyaiden

I'm terrified of the exact same thing..

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      Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.   Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe. Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life. Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated. I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start? What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first?  I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress. However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.   You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me. Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life.  Honestly, I ate it up. Mostly because of the biggest catalyst to this cause, my mother and her favorite saying, "You'll never understand a mother's love. I could love you through anything... AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GAY." Well poop. I didn't want to lose my mother's love, so from an early age I became a master of macho and over compensation. Me gay? No. NO. I LIKE BOOBS. Ya, and trucks and guns, etc. You know the jig. Copy, paste, repeat, here I am on the edge of tomorrow and the mask doesn't fit anymore.  It's just so bloody hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of "being the man" and putting the mask back on. I've buried over my feminine instincts, beaten them down, beaten myself down and when that wasn't good enough, I've given the world at large a pliable floor mat to trod on. It's driving me bonkers. I'm sorry but I've carried a lot of pain and frustration making straight people feel comfortable. What about my comfort? When will, "You're so gay!" not sound like, "I found one, get him!" Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight? If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone? It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life??? Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl? I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is.  The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived. I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too?  I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here. Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me. I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward. Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice.  Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me.  So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.) If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker." Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life. Why is the label such a thing? Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?"  I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience.  Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through. This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things.  Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad? So I'm done hiding. I came out.  Now it's just me.  Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again.  It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers. So ya.  I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here.  Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere. I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now. Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start. I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do? Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person. Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues? Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core.  Any help? Please. By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start.  See you soon. 😘
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