What do I call what I know I am?

[ToniTone]

First of all I've been here for about a week now, and thank y'all who welcomed me and helped me understand things better! I feel accepted and enabled to open up in this community. I only have one trans friend immediately available irl and because of a schism (mostly unrelated to gender) with another one of our besties, she's incommunicado with me or anyone atm. I've just recently (like a month or so ago) accepted what I've known my whole life I am and have just suppressed bc of social stigma and familial pressure to just be "normal". I feel happy and free of the facade I was forced to portray, like I can finally breathe and be myself again. To finally embrace it is so new to me though, both in an exciting and refreshing way, but it's also scary and confusing. For now I have no one to talk to irl about it. 

 

Im amab, I don't identify as a male at all. When I was a teen I casually identified as androgynous, didn't think much about it just felt natural. I never even read up on gender identity. I dressed ambiguous (occasionally cross dressed, looked foxy too) and wore makeup. But as I got older, my construction jobs and reuniting with my family pressured me into hiding what I was and putting on the facade of a hetero cis-male. I fell into despair and regret having denied myself so as to become the "model working man who will someday marry a nice Christian woman and make grandchildren for his parents" that I don't want to become and never did. 

 

I'm 32 now, single, and I'm not getting any younger. I've grown weary of living in vain a facade for other people. It's my time to finally pursue my own happiness and live for me. 

 

I know what I am, I've known it my whole life and just suppressed it, until now. I just don't know what to call it! I'd say androgynous-fem. Is that even an acceptable or valid term? I don't entirely identity as female, but I'm more feminine than masculine at heart. Androgyny by itself seems too neutral. Transfeminine maybe? Two Spirit? 

 

Third gender, genderqueer, gender fluid, non-binary and gender neutral all sound too neutral. I feel neutral leaning feminine. I just want to not be so confused about my identity, it'd be nice to conveniently be able to tell my gender with one word that ideally and concisely identifies me. 

 

I have an appointment set up in three weeks with a transgender health clinic primary to discuss my gender dysphoria and starting feminizing hrt. I'm so excited, I'm finally beginning this process! I also found a local transgender support group I'm joining next week. So I'll finally have some irl support. I just want this stress to be lifted from me. But for now, at least I know what I am, even if I can't put a name to it yet... 

[tracy_j]

It sounds like you are getting organised. That is a good step toward feeling much better about yourself - at least thats what I found about myself anyway. I can understand your issue with terminology. I am perhaps very similar, being female mentally, but, apart form social disphoria (often very strong) I am fairly relaxed about my body, just gearing it up to look more feminine with shaving, makeup etc, like many women. I too never find the right term, but androgyne seems as good as any other (should I say sounds better than?). I do live as a woman, day to day, although still legally male and known as such by close family / old friends (it gets very strange at times, particulary when wearing such as a dress and we come across each other in public). In that way I do really live an androgyne lifestyle.

 

In my opinion, and experience, it is easier to live as a woman (or man) than androgyne as people often cannot cope with non-binary. I would say take things slowly. Work with your gender therapist to understand yourself, but don't get too hooked up with labels. You won't really need them, and on the odd occasion you do, just pick the one that seems most appropriate. For myself, even though I am not fully, I use transexual quite a bit as it is near enough and a term which the general public understand. That said, most people don't even ask. I find lablels seldom used, except perhaps by other trans people.

 

Tracy

[ToniTone]

Thank you. What you say kinda reflects how I feel about it. I understand the 99% don't understand androgyny, most probably aren't even familiar with the the term. I really don't mind what people assume I am or what pronouns they use for me. Maybe it's more comfortable or less alienating for them. I do say I'm both/in between female and male, so I don't see it as incorrect to assume I'm female or male or non-binary. I don't care for labels or compartmentalization, don't care what people think about me, or words for that matter. Heck, call me mud! 

 

I like androgynous-fem. It's probably most descriptive of my identity. Plus I just like the aesthetic and how it sounds, cosmetic I know. Two Spirit also feels right. 

 

Transfeminine might be more accurate, but how feminine is it (I'm pursuing hrt, highly doubt I'll pursue surgical transition, don't really care about my genitals not all that sexual really)? 

 

I don't mind the confusion to others, from my past experiences being out with my androgyny. Others choose whether or not to be open minded about it, whether or not they feel alienated by it. Being myself is responsibility for myself, not to fitting the standards of others. The confusion actually kinda affirms my identity to me. I always was flattered by others when they were confused or assumed I was a female, especially when they flirted with me. Not to be a flirty tease, but it made me feel cute lol!