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Dakota16

Out of control...

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Dakota16

I usually don’t do these kinds of things, and if it doesn’t belong here feel free to move/remove it, but I’m not sure where else to go. I’m in need of thoughts and prayers. I’ve been battling anxiety and depression for years. They thought anxiety was triggering depression and went that way, and although it’s helped tons, it’s allowed depression to run rampant. I’ve usually been able to control it, but the last few days it’s become a loaded freight train going down a mountain with no brakes. It feels like I’ve completely lost track of who I am and the woman I was made to be. I’m in a dark place, and losing the battle with thoughts of taking the easy way out and making a lot of people happy in the process. I don’t have much time for other things for the next eight to ten weeks, so a counselor is no where in the near future. I’m going it alone as my family is one of the biggest factors. I’m not sure if I can hang on long enough for the train to get to the bottom and slow itself down, but the three kids at home who think the world of me make me keep trying. Hopefully that’ll be good enough, but spontaneously breaking down to tears while driving a bus earlier today has me nervous. :(

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SugarMagnolia

Hey Dakota - sharing what you're going through with other people is good. We care for you and are glad that you trust us enough to tell us when you're having trouble. We're here for you, hon. ❤️

How are you feeling right now? Are you in a safe place?

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Cyndee

Hi Dakota, the risks from depression are real, so reaching out is the best course of action, we are here to listen, if you are in crisis do call the hotlines or visit our chat area here. I can see in your words concerns coming from the family members. How can you insulate yourself from negative people, which might be in your close family ? Just random thoughts as I read your post.

 

The resiliency and strength keeping your 3 children in mind, that's the reason for staying on the road, and it does go on a long way...

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

 

 

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harry

One of the things that has always kept me from hurting myself is my three children, and my granddaughter. I just could never do that to them. What I tell myself is "This is not about you; it is about Eva (my granddaughter) before everything else."

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Timber Wolf

Hi Dakota,

I'm sad to hear you're going through such depression. I know what it's like to be in that hole. You say you're too busy to get any kind of counseling soon. You may want to try rearranging your schedule to fit counseling in. Your life is too valuable. More valuable than a schedule, especially to those 3 kids at home. We can't go it alone with these things. The easy way out seldom makes anyone else happier, even when we convince ourselves that it would. Just live in today and don't worry about tomorrow. One day at a time.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf 🐺🐾

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Dakota16

I've been able to fight it off the last few days, mainly because work is keeping me busy. My schedule did get changed for next week, so maybe I can get back in with my counselor. I stopped over about 6 months ago because insurance cancelled, but now that I have it again I may as well.

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SugarMagnolia

Seeking counseling again, especially if it's covered financially by insurance, absolutely sounds like a great step to take Dakota. I'm glad to hear that staying busy has helped.

Please keep in touch with respect to how you're doing! I think many of us have been thinking of you a lot over the last few days and hoping that you were coping.

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Cyndee
1 hour ago, Dakota16 said:

so maybe I can get back in with my counselor. I stopped over about 6 months ago because insurance cancelled, but now that I have it again I may as well.

 

Good plan, and thanks for the update Dakota here

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

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Charlize

I'm glad  that work has helped.  Thank you for getting in touch with us.  

Please do contact your counselor.  From my own experience i know being busy has helped my depression but despite that i'm glad to have gotten help when i desperately needed it.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Dakota16

Thought I'd share another update since it's been awhile. I'm still going up and down, partly because I've spent 31 of the last 37 days on the road for work, and the rest between home and personal stuff. I can still fight it off, but one day I just couldn't deal with it and I was in PA at the time. Ended up forcing myself to go do something which helped out a lot. When work slows down enough, I'm planning to go back to counseling. It seems like I'm not going anywhere but deeper down.

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Charlize

Please do take care of yourself.  Working hard can help.  I know i have sometimes used working to exhaustion to push away difficulties i could't face.  Too often it only worked for a bit.  I have finally began to understand that reaching out for help and helping others a better path to peace.

 

Hugs,  

 

Charlize

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