Between a rock and a hard place

[ejr]

Hi, my name’s Eli. I spent sixteen years ignoring what I knew but in the last few, it’s been unbearable. I have so many questions and nobody to ask them to— my town isn’t particularly conservative, but a lot of people where I’m from that do identify under the trans umbrella identify as genderfluid. While this is great for them that they’re living their truth, a lot of them try and equate their issues with my own; while we each have our own important issues, they aren’t the same. They know nothing about top surgery, bottom surgery, or even a lot of the body dysphoria I try my best to face. One of my biggest problems right now has to do with my hair. Until now, I have kept my hair long while still coming out to different people as trans. This poses an issue in passing, obviously. However, in the last few weeks I’ve come to the conclusion that I have yet to cut my hair because I’m mostly sure I still won’t pass anyways and I want to make that reason the excuse. Is that wrong of me? How can I convince myself to be okay with the fact that I’ll have to be okay with the middle ground in between my birth sex and my gender, and that it doesn’t make me less of a man for being utterly terrified? Thanks, E.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  You have the standard list of early coming out issues, so you are definitely one of us.  Long hair on guys is not the problem it used to be what with the "man bun" fashions these days, but I can understand why cutting it would be a major step for you.  Please get rid of the passing idea though, it gives us false standards of how to be ourselves and being ourself, what ever that is, is the main idea.  There are so many ways to be either male or female or___________ and none of them are 100% even for Cis people.

[luke_b]

Hey Eli, I'm like you, still figuring myself out as ftm too at almost 16 years old. You'd be surprised by the amount of people that think of you as male when you cut off your hair, it's mostly people who don't know me like old people, and little kids. Even one or two people using the right pronouns for you feels really great and affirming even if it only happens occasionally. Guys give you the 'bro shake' and the 'bro nod' when you pass by them and it gives me such a feeling of joy to be noticed for who I am. You don't have to cut your hair, it's not a requirement to be trans, I have a friend who didn't cut their hair short who identifies as NB, and I have plenty of guy friends who have really long hair. Sometimes if you tuck your hair into a beanie it looks shorter and you wouldn't have to cut it off (I did this for so many years) and wearing male-style clothing from the women's section (if your parents won't let you buy boy's clothing, I do this) will make you pass more often. Being terrified makes you no less of a man and being in the middle ground makes you no less of a man either, it's who you are inside that counts, and if you hold on to who you are things usually end up alright.

I hope that helps a bit

- Luke

[ejr]

13 hours ago, L0gan said:

Hey Eli, I'm like you, still figuring myself out as ftm too at almost 16 years old. You'd be surprised by the amount of people that think of you as male when you cut off your hair, it's mostly people who don't know me like old people, and little kids. Even one or two people using the right pronouns for you feels really great and affirming even if it only happens occasionally. Guys give you the 'bro shake' and the 'bro nod' when you pass by them and it gives me such a feeling of joy to be noticed for who I am. You don't have to cut your hair, it's not a requirement to be trans, I have a friend who didn't cut their hair short who identifies as NB, and I have plenty of guy friends who have really long hair. Sometimes if you tuck your hair into a beanie it looks shorter and you wouldn't have to cut it off (I did this for so many years) and wearing male-style clothing from the women's section (if your parents won't let you buy boy's clothing, I do this) will make you pass more often. Being terrified makes you no less of a man and being in the middle ground makes you no less of a man either, it's who you are inside that counts, and if you hold on to who you are things usually end up alright.

I hope that helps a bit

- Luke

I’m 18 and moving out and my parents know I’m LGBT, they just think I’m gay. I can wear men’s clothes and have been for a while. The bro nod is literally the best thing to ever happen to me ? Thank you so much for your affirming words, it means a lot.

[ejr]

13 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Welcome to the Forums.  You have the standard list of early coming out issues, so you are definitely one of us.  Long hair on guys is not the problem it used to be what with the "man bun" fashions these days, but I can understand why cutting it would be a major step for you.  Please get rid of the passing idea though, it gives us false standards of how to be ourselves and being ourself, what ever that is, is the main idea.  There are so many ways to be either male or female or___________ and none of them are 100% even for Cis people.

Thank you so much for your affirming words Vicky. I never really thought of it from your point of view, most because the people I know never have to worry about passing at all. I’ll work harder to dismantle that concept.

[StrainAsylum]

On 3/14/2019 at 1:55 AM, L0gan said:

You'd be surprised by the amount of people that think of you as male when you cut off your hair, it's mostly people who don't know me like old people, and little kids. Even one or two people using the right pronouns for you feels really great and affirming even if it only happens occasionally. Guys give you the 'bro shake' and the 'bro nod' when you pass by them and it gives me such a feeling of joy to be noticed for who I am.

 

When I was in my 20s (long ago) and just thought I was gay, I worked at a theme park and wore tennis shorts and top.  They were basically intended for females; the males wore khaki shorts and polo tops (I totally envied them!).  Anyway, my hair was short already and I have broad shoulders and a masculine walk, I guess, because almost every day I was addressed as "sir" by the guests, which made me SO HAPPY! 

 

Sadly, my friend thought I was upset and took me to a bar.  When I walked in, the place went dead silent; it was a men-only gay bar.  I couldn't even get a drink and was asked to leave, which made me really discouraged.  Fortunately, the guests kept calling me "sir", so that cheered me up.  You'll get there-!

 

Years later, I'm only just starting my transition because I spent my entire life letting other people tell me who and what I was.  Don't do that to yourself.  If you are uncertain or even if you think you are certain, talk to a gender therapist.  It'll help sort things out for you, especially about how to transition and any support groups you can try.

[Matty]

8 hours ago, StrainAsylum said:

 

When I was in my 20s (long ago) and just thought I was gay, I worked at a theme park and wore tennis shorts and top.  They were basically intended for females; the males wore khaki shorts and polo tops (I totally envied them!).  Anyway, my hair was short already and I have broad shoulders and a masculine walk, I guess, because almost every day I was addressed as "sir" by the guests, which made me SO HAPPY! 

 

Sadly, my friend thought I was upset and took me to a bar.  When I walked in, the place went dead silent; it was a men-only gay bar.  I couldn't even get a drink and was asked to leave, which made me really discouraged.  Fortunately, the guests kept calling me "sir", so that cheered me up.  You'll get there-!

 

Years later, I'm only just starting my transition because I spent my entire life letting other people tell me who and what I was.  Don't do that to yourself.  If you are uncertain or even if you think you are certain, talk to a gender therapist.  It'll help sort things out for you, especially about how to transition and any support groups you can try.

 

I feel ya. Id love to be addressed that way. I still look not the way i want to. No one is taking me seriously

[StrainAsylum]

You'll get there.  Really.  There are some apps and sites for instructions on how to lower your voice (which I haven't used, yet) and other stuff.  You (and I and others) may never get to where we look the way we WANT to, but if we look more like what and who we are, the rest may follow.  Just make sure to learn who you are and BE who you are.  Don't let others define you.