Gender Identity Confusion

[Vacillating Vixen]

I wasn't going to write this because I needed to go to sleep and I already wrote a lot which I accidentally deleted, but this is REALLY bothering me. This is going to be really badly structured and hopping all over the place as I am quite tired, so I apologise in advance. 

 

I'm a biological female, 17 turning 18 next week. Since I was 6-7, I've only really had 3-4 close female friends. I've had many, many male friends. Now I know that the gender of your friends doesn't determine anything about one's gender identity but I think it can have an effect which is why I'm going to talk about it.

 

Currently, I only have three close biologically female friends, who all Identity as trans (non-binary, demi-male and male.) All attempts at female friendships have resulted in failure over the years, I only have two female friend really and we're not close, though they tend to also hang out with primarily men.

My attempts at friendship with women has almost always left me feeling isolated and estranged. I naturally just feel much more comfortable around men. I identified as bisexual quite early on and even in romantic contexts I have found it really difficult to approach women. I have had quite a few boyfriends, but no girlfriends. 

 

When I was 10 or 11, some mtf friends of my Mum moved in to our house. I'd never even heard of transgender people before then, but when I found out about it I had no stigma against it and didn't think it strange (unlike my parents, somewhat.)

 

After they moved out when I was 12, I told my Mum I wanted to be a boy and we decided to experiment for a week with male pronouns. I think my Mother was quite obviously uncomfortable with it however and the idea was quickly abandoned. I haven't seriously considered my identity since then until now.

 

I don't feel any real gender dysphoria. I like my body, for the most part. I feel comfortable in it and don't really wish I had male genetalia. However, I enjoy cross dressing and I like it when people see me as male, which usually happens online due to the anonymity factor. Usually in the past I have just seen this as just hiding my real identity in order to avoid unfavourable people hitting on me or acting weird around me however. I'm not really sure anymore though.

 

I don't mind being seen as a woman, but I often find that I get strong feelings that I am male or masculine, not in a traditional sense ('macho' masculinity) but more in the sense that I simply see myself that way. I feel comfortable in male clothing and have asked close friends to refer to me as a boy or with male pronouns and have felt comfortable with this, to the point where it's extremely confusing.

 

I suppose my current view of my identity would be genderfluid, but I am terrified of identifying as such openly and have only confided the possibility of this identity with a couple of people. Even a few years ago I felt that any identity apart from non-binary, mtf or ftm was just 'attention seeking'. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling, and I feel pressure on top of that to categorise whatever that feeling is in to one of those three identities, despite none of them really clicking. I usually just feel either male or female, which I suppose might count as something in between so I suppose non-binary could fit with that?

 

However, I question the validity of my own feelings. Do I only 'feel' male because I have a large group of male friends and it feels easier to fit in to stereotypical male interests if I identify as male? If I did find female friends I fit in with, would these feelings completely go away? Do I only want to identify as male so I can avoid any creepiness or flirting?

 

Well I don't know about the answer to the first or second, but I suppose the last is a little unfair since I have actively flirted with members of my male friend group and don't really mind too much when they're creepy (unless it's towards anyone else.) 

 

Another problem is that I'm not sure equally if I'm holding back from identifying as male internally because of the conflict it would cause. I have a straight boyfriend, and an accepting but somewhat transphobic family, or they at least don't really understand transgender people.

 

When I imagine being male, I can't really imagine what would be different apart from my appearance, which for some reason I always think of as hyper masculine which I feel somewhat uncomfortable with. I imagine my head on a male model or something and it just feels disturbing. I do like thinking about just having individual male features, however: a flat chest, higher cheekbones, shorter hair (although I look horrid with short hair, I lije the idea of having a more typical short haircut as my hair is very curly, I prefer straighter short haircuts.) Performatively, I already act pretty male. 

 

I still feel like i could go my whole life identifying as a woman, and have felt that way most of my life. But the more I think seriously about whether or not I'm trans, the more terrified I am because the more unclear that feeling becomes. Could I? What if one day I look in the mirror and realise this whole time all these masculine habits and thoughts have culminated in a dissatisfaction with my feminine body? How would I even go about coming out or transitioning? I'm so unsure of myself. 

 

I suppose I just wanted to get these thoughts out. I was thinking maybe I should crossdress more to see how I feel about it, but I hate the weird stares and the questions. And I have no idea how to dress more masculine in some ways. I still just feel like a girl dressing however in a lot of ways. The most male affirming thing I've worn is the male school uniform at our school which I felt comfortable in. I hope someone can help me. Or at least be supportive. I don't know. 

[Kole Rickard]

I'm not an expert but you sound like a tomboy. You like being physically a girl and for me if you don't have dysphoria you probably aren't trans. You like some girly things but most don't please you. You like to wear masculine clothes more than feminine which also is very tomboy. You may have a male attitude and act like a male but that doesn't mean anything in 2019 now. I've known my identity for 6 years now. I am 15 at the moment and I strictly go by a male. You have no want to have a penis, yet you feel that you like male features fit you better. Some don't fit you well. yet, you don't seem to mind your body so you don't exactly care about your male looks. For me you might just be very tomboy or possibly gender-fluid. if you want to talk more about this msg me on tp or my gmail. [email protected]

[BrandiBri]

I wonder if you have thought about finding a gender therapist in your area that could help you sort out your feelings? For me that was one of the best things I have done for myself. I didn't think I needed help, but I am still going on a regular basis after almost two years. 

 

Wishing you the best,

Brandi

[Katelyn]

I've taken some of these stupid online tests like "are you really trans" quiz things and I always find myself wondering how the friends thing is of any relevance. I mean from what I've seen with the friends I do have,or had, most girls have more male friends than female because girls are complicated and catty and two-faced (their words not mine) but guys have more guy friends too because they tend to have no interest in more typically female convos and experience the profound typical sexual tension. So no matter what you answer its kinda pointless, right? 

 

Now my thinking is this, I've had more male friends than female in my life as a biological male, my best friend is a very straight, rather normal, cis gender male, but I've had a lot of female friends too most of them extremely close, yet I tend to lean more towards the female side of things anyhow. It's not like I didn't have a very strong male presence growing up or male role models in entertainment (massive batman fan after all), but it still comes back by itself, which is currently causing complete chaos in my mind honestly. 

 

I relate to a lot of what you said beyond that though. I feel confused and I keep saying I don't know where I'm at or how I identify per say, but I have moments in which it feels like I'm certain about what I want or need, but I'm too afraid to persue it because of the results of my actions so to speak. Heterosexual girlfriend and rather Conservative family. Career in a company that's got no diversity or non conventional employees. Friends that might just dissappear. Wondering if what u feel is valid because of the circumstances that might temporarily influence it. I mean my personality is rather shy but at the same time sort of rebellious, so I don't act out but what if I'm only feeling transgender because I'm trying to rebel against being told what I have to be because of my sex or rebel against even my body. Its a weird thought but I think it often. 

 

Anyhow, good luck to you, you'll figure it out with time. The community is right though, seek a therapist, they can help a lot, assuming there are any avalbele near you. 

 

Hugs 

Katelyn 

 

 

[Vacillating Vixen]

Thank you everyone for the advice ❤️ 

 

I'm unsure if there are any gender therapists in my area but counsellors tend to be quite open and experienced with young people and LGBT issues so I may talk to them. 

 

Kole, I appreciate your thoughts but even if this doesn't necessarily apply to me, there are plenty of trans people who don't experience strong physical dysphoria, or even sometimes no dysphoria at all. It is possible to know you're trans not by feeling uncomfortable in your current body, but more comfortable with the other gender's body. 

 

I do appreciate the suggestions however. 

 

At the moment I'm in quite an uncomfortable and conservative area and it makes me anxious to think about. Even if I find out that I do want to transition publicly, I'd rather keep it to myself for now. I appreciate the replies, thank you all very much!

 

[DeeDee]

3 hours ago, Vacillating Vixen said:

At the moment I'm in quite an uncomfortable and conservative area and it makes me anxious to think about.

Hi Vixen, I may be late to the party, but I just want to say that it is OK not to be sure. Your friends and who you find yourself attracted to does not define your gender, but it can help when asking why you like spending time in male company over female. Is it the activities or the company?

 

Keep searching, there are a few people who live in small towns or conservative areas (myself included) and while it makes experimenting more awkward it just helps to see how strong the desire is to answer those questions, just keep reading and keep asking yourself the which and why questions, you don't have to find the one that clicks straight away  

[Beverly]

Please find a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues, if possible. Just be yourself and don't worry about labels. If you like your anatomy, great. If you want to cross dress, great. You don't have to fit any category. You don't have to be defined. Be your own category. Just be YOU!