Newbie looking for guidance part 2

[lilyboots]

Hello again!

I posted last in August 2018 and recieved a warm welcome. At that time my 14 year old step son "C" has declared he is trans to his mother, not his father (my husband) and we were thinking about approaching him. We did not-we thouht we would wait to see if he would come to us. And had an amazing visit with him (He lives 700 miles away with his mom and is with us for school breaks and summers) Any discussion about gender stopped at this point so we were told. 

(FYI, my background I am an RN and have worked a great deal with physicians that serve the trans population in my city, so I am well connected and aware)

 

Fastforward for the last month or so this kiddo has been really lashing out, angry, grades slipping, etc. As I knew would be the case the gender issues are coming to a head as he is facing puberty. My wonderful husband and "C"'s mother have put their heads in the sand. I get that. But these things do not go away. Something I have been trying to impress upon my husband. (I do not get on with the ex) 

 

Long story short he is coming next weekend and we are going to tell him that we know. That it is okay! That we love him. We support him. We accept and will do everything we can to help him!

I have reached out to my physicians and resources and we made him an appointment to meet with a patient care coordinator at a gender services clinic so that he has a start point, if he wants it. I want him to know he has someone to talk with and will help him find the resources. I would like him to move in with us. Our daughters are away at college and I think it will be easier for him to have some space from his younger brother-they fight constantly. If he wants to be with us great...if not the people I know here will find him and his mother resources in their city. 

His moving will be another story as his mother makes everything about her...not the child. Se is really a train wreck. 

 

Anyway...I would appreciate any advice. For those who faced this would this aproach had make your life at that point easier? More difficult? Thoughts? 

 

Thanks!!

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Your approach to this is very kind, thoughtful and forward thinking, Lilyboots.  Obviously, you don't yet know how he will react to others knowing, or whether he wants to discuss it now.  But I agree that its important that he not feel isolated and alone.  My only other thought is that it might be wise to wait until you see his reaction to you and your husband knowing, and what he says about it, before telling him about the appointment you've scheduled.  He could take it as being pushed.  It's a delicate situation, , but your approach is, IMO, far better than letting things with his mother fester.  I wish you much luck.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Beverly]

So is your step 'son' identifying as female or male? If it's female, then using the correct she/her/hers pronouns are extremely important around them. Also, get them into therapy with a gender specialist. If this isn't happening at the other home, do everything possible to bring them to your home. Get professional advice and counseling asap!

[lilyboots]

Carolyn, you are correct. We will talk with him first and tell him about the appointment, but we would never force him to go. I know that he has been speaking to his school counselor about this. I think he will be relieved although initially he may go silent and feel btrayed?? that we know. 

Unfortunately he is only visiting for 5 days. That said if he wants to think about it and schedule an appointment for later, we will fly him here. Bottom line, whatever we have to do...his mother I believe will be the biggest obstacle. She is extremely narcissistic-this will be about her. Of course both parents need to be involved but I think that she should be from afar based on her past bad behavior. 

[lilyboots]

Hi Beverly, 

He was born male-and yes, when the conversation is fluid we will do whatever he wants us to do including how he would like to be addressed, I know how important that is. 

And yes, we need to find a therapist here and where he lives. I have names and have been reaching out. 

 

The wonderful thing about the gender clinic we are working with is the coordinator has all the names and numbers we will need. Phyicians that specialize in gender issues with peds and adolescence. Therapists, family therapists, support groups for the family and siblings, networking...everything. 

 

I am hoping that by attending this initial appointment he will meet someone who can be a touch stone who can answer questions and direct the care we all will need.