Frustrating Choice

[ToniTone]

CW: discreet mention of "down there", breast, pretty much every stressful thing someone considering transition could worry about... 

 

Well, I got an appointment set up for the 2nd of April at a local transgender clinic to consult about starting feminizing hrt. It's informed consent and I hear they can get the ball rolling pretty quickly. They do check ins and labs like monthly, and I'm in pretty good health still. 

 

I'm pretty excited. But as the date approaches I'm beginning to get apprehensive. I've established myself as hetero cis-male and I have a little fear of shattering that facade (though I'm rebuilding my life from the ground up anyway). But I really don't want to be that anymore. Change scares me, even good change. I'm taking a big step here. 

 

Here's a list of my percieved pros/gains or benefits from starting hrt, and negatives/fears. Bare with me here, some of these considerations are vain, and some are more vestigial possible effects I'm taking into consideration: 

 

Pros:

-a more feminine body shape (or at least less masculine, face too)

-hopefully some impact on androgenic body hair however small (even if not, I'm already in a compulsive routine of grooming, whether I transition or not)

-reduced androgens (namely dht). I can't explain it, but I can ~feel~ the toxicity of these masc hormones effecting me, they ebb and flow

-"the feminine side" I already feel within me. It's definitely the dominant part of my duality. I don't even have a masc side, more androgynous than anything. But I've read so many reports of mtf transitions who said they inexplicably felt more feminine inside on hrt, and felt more content with it. 

-preservation of my head hair. My mane is a big part of my identity. I love hair! Without settling as the hetero cis-male facade anymore, I can't just be accept the fact that I'm biologically a male and I might go bald. It's so vain I know. And frankly at 32 my hair is holding on strong. But I consider it a bonus that hrt will most likely aid in perserving it. 

-prostate health. Despite being only 32, there's some signs my prostate might be growing. I hear most of the treatments/preventatives for this and other male sex health issues are also components of feminizing hrt. This certainly isn't a deciding factor in my decision to pursue, but perhaps a healthy side effect of it.

 

Big Grey Area of reservation: 

-about "Down There" (I'm not interested in any (eg bottom) surgeries in the near future)... I used to be very sexual, but for the most part I've burnt out and lost interest. For the most part. I still get very aroused physically often, though I'm not in the mood. This is VERY distressing and uncomfortable and I hate it. One way or another I just can't wait until it goes away. On the other hand, when I'm attracted to someone (myself included), I can be 'aroused' pyscho-emotionally without the need for physicality, if that makes any sense at all. More than anything I desire romance and sensuality, and to be able to love myself. It'd be nice to know the faculty for physicality still functions. Summer is coming up, it gets hot in the city. Sex is pretty low on my list of priorities though. Actually, I think the idea of becoming a disinterested woman is kinda hot... 

-also "down there" <.< size. For a 5'5" shorty with size 11 shoes... well I'm alright, slightly above average. Anyway! I don't know how I feel about the idea of shrinkage. I kinda want it to and kinda don't. I kinda also don't care! How can someone really want it, really not want it, and really not care, all at the same time!? This is dumb... 

 

Negatives?:

-not knowing what is reversible or not, too what degrees? If I take this step and get scared, can I turn back? As much as I hate being cis-male bodied, it's all I know. 

-will I ever be able to be intimate (not necessarily sex) with cis-females again? I'm demisexual, panromantic. But I worry though I might be closing the door on the possibility of having a relationship with a cis-female ever again. Will I not be "man enough" I mean surely there are cis-females whose preference includes transfems too, right? At the end of the day I gotta be able to love myself first. 

-breast. I'm really only attracted to flat chested and small breast (a-cup, maybe b but that's pushing it), on other fems or foreseeably myself. Females on my mother's side are like all a-cup as far as I know, don't know about father's side (never met him). My sister is almost a d-cup I think, but she's only 5'1" and her father's side females are all short, obese and big breasted. So I might be immune? If they start growing too big can I cease taking hrt and bail out? Would I be able to afford a reduction (most likely not)? If they got to a b or larger would my ma be jealous (lol)!?

 

Well thanks for baring with me this far. I got a lot to think about... *sigh*

[ToniTone]

Also, is 32 an ok age to start? I've heard the younger the better (like, younger than 30), and I've heard it's never too late. But will I be able to be pretty at this age? Or at least stop the devolving into a repulsive beast any further? 

[Kirsten]

Your bones are your bones. They won’t change. You’ll get an extra layer of fat all over. You’re body fat will start to deposit in more feminine places. If you grow boobs, they won’t just go away. Your nipples will change. Your business will get much smaller and work very poorly. Relationships are very difficult for many trans people as well. Will you be pretty? Depends on how feminine you are to begin with. Also depends on who you ask. 

To be honest with you, none of these questions were anywhere on my list when I started transitioning. The important questions that helped me to my decision were firstly can I live with myself as a male anymore? And that answer was no. It was transition or suicide. There was no middle ground. Second was am I ready to lose everyone in my life to my transition. And once again yes I was. Being alone and alive was better than dead. And lastly was is there any other option for me to try before I go into this irreversible journey to womanhood. And finally after 30+ years of literally trying everything from gaining weight losing weight dating men or women changing jobs getting married having kids and so many other things I accomplished but still I was missing basic joy from my life. These are the questions that helped me make this decision. 

 

Remeber that once you open this bag, you can’t close it. The moment you go public you have consequences that can’t be changed. Once you start to have your body change, many things can’t be reversed. (Some can)  But whatever you do don’t base your decision on physical things. Base it on emotional stability and self love. Or lack thereof in my case. 

[ToniTone]

Oh wow, your response really resonates to me! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. It's so abstract to try to picture what I'll become if I do, but I know I'll be suppressing my self-loathing if I don't. 

 

Everytime I see my body in the mirror, or undress to take a shower, I just get so anxious at the bad body image I have of myself. And my libido, I hate it. I don't even enjoy it anymore... I'm not really suicidal anymore. I just don't want to be this. 

 

I know my ma would support me. She's the only one I'm concerned about disappointing though. I think she'll understand. The rest of my family is estranged and other big words I won't say here. Almost all my friends are art scene liberals, anarcho punks, queer and queer supportive. I already came out to them with the same acceptance they always had for me. I lost one good friend over it and other things. That was a sorespot. But everyone who knows me knows I live on my terms. 

 

I want to be more shapely and soft featured. I want body chemistry to be more balanced to how I feel. I want to be happy in this body. I'm almost certain I'm going to pursue this. 

 

But I got to know, is there ever a moment where you become absolutely certain in your decision to go ahead? Or is it more like taking one big confident step into the unknown?

[Raven1981]

Hello

 

I am currently 38 and I started MtF hormones at age 37 last year in January 2018.  I can say for myself that I did not have any doubts and already knew that I was a woman.  To me it was am I ready to lose everyone and it was YES.  Then of course I have always been alone and lived alone and I have never dated anyone myself or anything.  Next I knew to keep me alive, that I needed to transition, I was already in my younger days trying to make me look feminine any way I can with being in the closet.  My first therapist I ever had just thought I was a cross dresser and so I thought that I was a cross dresser, but yet I was already trying t modify my body to be a girl's body with breast forms, tucking, getting a prosthetic vagina wearing clothes and even doing my makeup.  It got to the point where I could not take it anymore and just had to live as myself and did not know who that man was standing in the mirror.  But now as a woman and living full time as a woman, I know who I am, and I could not be any happier to be the woman I am.  I have had a few of my friends who still are my friends with me transitioning say that I am not stuttering anymore from when I used to stutter.  I have made new friends.  For myself it has become a necessity to transition for my own survival and happiness and feeling comfortable.

[Josie Beth]

I’m not uncertain about transitioning at all. I’ve been careful about it, but never uncertain. One thing about life is that nothing is ever certain except what we know will give us joy. I’m uncertain about whether or not people will respect my decision, or whether or not I will ever find anyone to accept me. But I’m certain that I’m going to transition whether or not that happens. Nothing can change my mind. I’m working on getting there every day. I don’t care that my libido is gone. I don’t care that I have to go through the awkward stage of change from one appearance to another. What I know is that without transitioning I’m miserable, and with it: there’s so many benefits, even in small ways, that overall... just make me a calmer, happier, and more determined person than before I decided to start. Sure I don’t feel comfortable yet in the outside world, but I’m going to get there some day. For now I’m ok with just being able to be myself even if I’m alone at home. The rest will come later if I stay determined and focused. It’s never been about pleasing others, even though I used to think that way, and my parents helped reinforce that fallacy, it’s been about how I feel and what makes me find happiness and truth. 

[Kirsten]

For sure! I 100% knew I had no other choice. I knew it was right for me. I knew there was no amount of good that could happen to me that would make up for that depression. I knew I would eventually succeed in killing myself, but I’d probably take others with me which I didn’t want. And the last straw was the final attempt to hurt myself when I actually did hurt someone else.

Basically I hit rock bottom. And that’s how I knew. Cause rock bottom came with a wife, a great job, 2 wonderful kids, dozens of great friends, a beautiful home, brand new cars, and everything anyone could ever want. Except that none of meant a thing. Transition is THE last option. That’s how I knew. And I was 100% sure. 

 

And now 10 months in (today is literally my 10 month anniversary) I have lost people that I was sure I wouldn’t. And am losing more every day. I have no extended family parents or siblings anymore. But I do have my marriage. I also still have my job, but most people don’t really bother with me anymore so it’s a pretty lonely job now. Literally everything in my life is different. Some is good, but more is harder than easier. My few issues from pre transition have grown to many many. But I’m more able to deal with things than before too. And still I wish I was just cis. Not male. Not female. Cause Idgaf which. As long as my inside and outside matched. Cause being trans sucks. Less than being closeted trans, but it still sucks. 

[Raven1981]

Here is another good thing to think of that is not really brought up that needs to be brought up.  Besides of losing your libido and it shrinking.  Once you start HRT, you will become 100% sterile and will not be able to have biological kids.  So if you dont have kids right now and you may way kids later on in life, you may want to bank your sperm first before starting HRT.  Even if you start on HRT and then decide it is not for you and you want to detransition, you will be 100% sterile and not be able to have biological kids. For myself, I was already 100% sterile from my cancer and when I was going through my cancer treatment I was asked about banking sperm then.  So that is one thought that needs to be taken into consideration that once you do go on HRT, you will be 100% sterile

[ToniTone]

Thanks Amy, great point. The clinic refers to sperm bank so I'ma look into it. Don't plan on having kids, but certainly want the option on the table. 

 

And thank you all for sharing so much and letting me pick your brain about these things! I'm certain of what I am. Have been my whole life. There were times my guise fooled myself into believing I'm male, but always came back to knowing it was a facade. I've never been happy, never had a wholesome life. Been an alcoholic and polydrug addict all the formative years of my life. Gender dysphoria wasn't the only cause, but it played a big part. Many nights spent plastered forgetting I was a man, homeless and deep in my back breaking concrete job.

 

I'm six months in recovery treatment now, about to get back out on my own, total life reboot. I'm the ~happiest~ I've ever been. I came back to exploring my gender in my moment of clarity. I'm so much more content just having came out with it. I don't feel the pressure as much to fit societal or familial ideals of being a 'man'. 

 

I'm certain of what I am, I just feel this schism with it in this body. I don't think there is anyone, professional or personal, who could psycho babble me into believing I can be content in it. I really want this change, if not need it.

 

You all affirmed my understanding that transitioning is not ideal, that it has it's own challenges. This isn't a decision I take lightly, as though it were an outfit for the day or which coffee creamer I want to try. I just wish I could say I was certain, without apprehension, that I'll be ok on the other side. 

 

Well, I have two weeks to meditate on this. But right now, I stand firm with my decision to pursue it. All I know is if I don't, I'm certain I'll never be content. Given affirmation and approval from my doctor, I'm motivated to take that bold step into the unknown... 

[ToniTone]

Thanks again y'all! I'm so glad there's folks like you who take the time to read my woes and be so supportive. 

 

Love & Peace

-Toni ❤️