Generally confused, seeking clarity. My shot in the dark at an intro.

[Stillbourne]

Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.

 

Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe.

Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life.

Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated.

I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start?

What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first? 

I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress.

However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.

 

You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me.

Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life. 

Honestly, I ate it up. Mostly because of the biggest catalyst to this cause, my mother and her favorite saying, "You'll never understand a mother's love. I could love you through anything... AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GAY."

Well poop. I didn't want to lose my mother's love, so from an early age I became a master of macho and over compensation. Me gay? No. NO. I LIKE BOOBS. Ya, and trucks and guns, etc. You know the jig.

Copy, paste, repeat, here I am on the edge of tomorrow and the mask doesn't fit anymore. 

It's just so bloody hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of "being the man" and putting the mask back on. I've buried over my feminine instincts, beaten them down, beaten myself down and when that wasn't good enough, I've given the world at large a pliable floor mat to trod on.

It's driving me bonkers. I'm sorry but I've carried a lot of pain and frustration making straight people feel comfortable. What about my comfort? When will, "You're so gay!" not sound like, "I found one, get him!" Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight?

If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone?

It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life???

Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl?

I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is. 

The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived.

I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL

I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too? 

I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here.

Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me.

I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward.

Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice. 

Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me. 

So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.)

If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker."

Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life.

Why is the label such a thing?

Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?" 

I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience. 

Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through.

This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things. 

Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad?

So I'm done hiding. I came out. 

Now it's just me. 

Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again. 

It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers.

So ya. 

I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here. 

Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere.

I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now.

Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start.

I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do?

Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person.

Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues?

Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core. 

Any help? Please.

By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start. 

See you soon.

?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Claire,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

I'm sorry to hear of your mom's lack of acceptance. Something you should realise is that she's the one with the problem, not you. And being transgender or gay does not stamp a ticket to hell. You are not a bad person for being trans or gay. And you are a welcomed member here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??

 

[Stillbourne]

Thank you. 

 

[Kirsten]

A lot of your story resonates with me. The family telling you what is right, and how to act. The abuse physical and mental. The abandonment of a family too full of themselves to make room for a daughter. The endless stories of how bad and wrong I am for being myself. The moments of living on the street to satisfy a mothers desire while secretly hoping she would realize and all would be forgiven. It’s a crap way to be brought up. 

But there is more. There are people out there that will accept you. There are even people that will love and respect you believe it or not. And they can come from anywhere. This is a good place to start your journey. There are so many great accepting positive and helpful people here. 

Dont be discouraged. Things seem to ebb and flow like the ocean. Sometimes the tide carries in some bad things and gets violent crashing hard on us. But eventually it recedes and the peace and tranquility returns revealing beautiful treasures that the waves have left behind. Hold strong to these tidbits. They can help you through the harder things. 

Welcome to our forums Claire. Very nice to meet you. 

❤️K

[Stillbourne]

Wow. You broke my wall Kirsten. I felt validated being able to post in the first place. Reading your words has me crying. Good tears though. 

Thank you.

[Kirsten]

It is important to know we aren’t alone. I am so happy I could help you in some small way Claire. Please keep sharing. Letting it all out is such a liberating and positive step in finding your happiness. Im always around if you need someone to talk to. 

K

[Beverly]

Hi, Stillbourne,

You're not alone. You're not going to hell. You were born as Claire. Everyone else has gotten it wrong your whole life. You are at the hardest stage of transition. You live in a tough area. Your family is narrow minded. All of that creates pain, but there is no greater pain than living a lie and hating yourself for it. It takes courage to come out. It takes a special person to push through so much adversity to live authentically and find happiness. Kudos to you for taking initial steps. There will be pain. There is no avoiding it. Set some goals and make a plan for finding your place in this world. Happiness and friends who will love Claire are out there. It may involve finding a job or career in a more progressive area. It may require you to take transitioning slow in steps you are comfortable with. Find a therapist with gender identity issues experience. Here is a link to a list of gender ID therapists in Canada. Best wishes!

www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists

[Stillbourne]

Thank you for the link Beverly. Those are some amazing looking places. Are there questions I should be asking these people? There seems to be a variety of ways they phrase the programs. How do I say things to these people that will help them figure out the best way to get past the shell?

[Jani]

Hello Claire and welcome.  You can be whoever you want to be and we'll support you.  As my friends say, you are not alone.  It's ok to be the person you want to be, others desires for you do not count.  You're not going to hell or any bad place.  If you cannot find a qualified therapist locally, there is the possibility of seeing one on line via Skype or FaceTime.  

 

Please continue to join in the conversation.

Jani

[Stillbourne]

I had a pretty good sleep last night. As good as it could be in the time allotted. It was peaceful though. Some of that whole waiting to exhale kind of feeling. 

It's the putting it to paper thing that is part of my process. Making it real, as it were. 

It's hard to "vent" and keep all the disclaimers congruent. By this I mean, I logically understand a great deal of my situation. The thing I've lacked is the emotional connection to that situation. The Joy of my strength finding in this place has been just the freedom to let some of the jibber jabber of my mind out. Like a sounding board. 

I'll admit, the next step is daunting a bit. 

However, I'm trying to stay rooted in allowing the awareness to build without forcing my situation with nervous momentum. Knowledge is key for me. Having identified what I believe to be a real issue in my life, I'm doing the research. This is me, making me, again. Coming to terms with it all I do have a bit of a plan. The next while is the pickle. By logistics alone there's no way for me to alter my course. It could even be two months or more before I'm in what I would call a right enough place (circumstantially) to make a change. Yet, jitter bugs. I know in my head where the life boat is, I just have some swimming to do to get to it. I'm online right now because I'm in town. Most of the month I'm off of the grid. Like deep six, bushman styles. So, ya. Ohmmmmm, ohmmmmm. One breath at a time. I really believe I've turned a corner. Like several in the last 48 hrs alone. 

There is actually a bit of excitement. In my head, Claire is one hot momma. Guy or girl, shopping... Right!

So, QUESTION, how do I give Claire an edge? How do I get her to come back to life? Her instinct is to hide. Here in town, survival mode. At home, she doesn't believe I will be able to keep her safe. Anything she likes triggers protection mode. This is where it affects quality of life. In the rare moments of Claire, she just stands there looking at a long empty driveway, waiting for Prince Charming to come carry her away from this nightmare.

**I think I should take a moment to say, I'm a loving kind of soul. None of what I express in my posts is ever intended to take away from the journey of others. For the most part I type from the heart and don't try to edit because I'm typing on a phone. If offence is felt, or guidance to be offered, please feel free to comment. In turn, this is a whirl wind. I do intend to express more and participate more in replying to all you wonderful friends. The lack of reply is not a lack of acknowledgement. At the very least, winter finally broke, the sun has been out five days in a row and we're down to three feet of snow! So yay! Small blessings. I'm going outside to love my fur babies and fresh air.

So much love my friends. Thank you.

???

 

[Beverly]

3 hours ago, Stillbourne said:

Thank you for the link Beverly. Those are some amazing looking places. Are there questions I should be asking these people? There seems to be a variety of ways they phrase the programs. How do I say things to these people that will help them figure out the best way to get past the shell?

Hi! You can ask them about their experience with transgender and gender questioning clients and tell them about yourself and the kind of help you're seeking. I got through some rough spots with the help of a great gender therapist.

[Stillbourne]

Righteous. Thank you.

[Jani]

13 hours ago, Stillbourne said:

So, QUESTION, how do I give Claire an edge? How do I get her to come back to life? Her instinct is to hide. Here in town, survival mode. At home, she doesn't believe I will be able to keep her safe. Anything she likes triggers protection mode.

Unfortunately there isn't anyone here that can help with this so it is a job for your counselor, as they know you best.  At any rate, know that we support you and want the best for you.  

 

Hugs, Jani