Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Name & pronoun "issues"


ToniTone

Recommended Posts

I titled this thread name & pronoun "issues" with quotes, bc I don't really have an issue with my name(s?) or pronouns. More of a curiosity as I adjust to them. And I want to have a dialogue of intrigue on this matter. 

 

I identify as transfeminine and two spirit. I've always loved my (birth/'undead') name Tony. Despite finally coming out as trans, I still have some attachment to Tony with a 'y'. 32 years is a long time to live with a name. I feel it not entirely a deadname to me, perhaps it lives on in the diminished/ghosted masc part of my duality. Do any of you have an attachment, or perhaps even a "vestigial use" of sorts, to your deadname? 

 

I love how the feminine variation of Tony is Toni. And I love the name Toni. It's me! It's like "I'm still Tony, but now I'm Toni" you know!? I dotted the 'i' with a little heart the other day, and it was such a simple joy to do this. My friends spell my name as Toni now and it feels so validating (flattering even). It seems so right. 

 

Although my given name is Toni (nee Tony), my "full deadname" would be Anthony. The feminine variation of that would be Antonia ("priceless", "praiseworthy" (I dunno about that one), and "beautiful") or Antionette. I find it fascinating how often these names appear in royal lineages. I'm a bit of a narcissist, so my passion for my name ties into this. But anyway... 

 

Do any of you have a deadname that had a convenient and acceptable variant that matched you and your true gender? And did you have a relatable experience or interesting realization? 

 

And I just have to bide my curiosity; for those of you who didn't have a convenient/acceptable variation of your deadname, how did you go about discovering your identifying name? Did you have to improvise it? Did you have or find a connection to it? What was YOUR experience like? 

-----------------

As for my pronouns, (for now anyway) I'm pretty open about them. I'm more feminine than anything, but I still present as masculine, so for now people who don't know I'm trans (only out to friends irl for now, close to coming out to friends and public) refer to me in masculine pronouns, and I'm ok and used to that. Some people (like my pa) might feel uncomfortable, alienated, confused or whatever about me being trans, I think I'm ok with letting the elder generations of (pa and grands) refer to me as male. I don't think I'll be able to culture their "traditional values". Is this ingenuine, or is it justified? 

 

I'm open to non-binary terms too. I don't see myself as entirely female, at all male, maybe it's neither. Is they/them a safe go-to when one is unsure of someone else's pronouns?

 

Really I'm pretty punk rock and unphased by/apathetic of what people think of, feel about, or call me. They can call me mud, they can call me scum, or some other four letter word, for all I care... 

 

I'm definitely more feminine than not. I came out to most of the people I know, all my open minded friends. They have been very warm and supportive of me in this. They're almost exclusively queer and queer supportive. I didn't even have to explain myself or my pronouns to them...

 

Inexplicably, they just knew right away to refer to me in the feminine! I must admit it's very foreign and new to me to be acknowledged and referred to as fem. Sometimes I double take. But it feels right. It's so wonderful that my friends validate me. It feels lovely to be referred to as what you are after assuming a facade your whole life. 

 

Did any of you experience this adjustment to new pronouns early on in your transition? Or feel that same gratification from finally being validated for what you are? 

 

I'm eager to hear y'all's experiences and have a dialogue about this! 

What's in a name..? 

 

Love ❤️

~Toni

Link to comment

Hi Toni,

 

I have been fortunate, as the name that my parents gave me is considered appropriate for either gender. 

 

It is interesting to note that for feminine applications, Robin is sometimes replaced with Robyn, which is the opposite of the convention with your name.  This is not always the case though, and for me, it is not worth the hassle of changing it.

 

Robin.

Link to comment

Hmm. We’ll pronouns and names are a big validating factor of transition for sure. Hearing that approval from others really changes my mindset a lot.

But it comes with a side effect which is the annoyance that comes with being misgendered. I was an “I don’t care about pronouns and dead names” girl when I started. But at this point it’s been over half a year since I started using my name, and short of a telemarketer call, one ass at work, and a random oops, I don’t hear my dead name or a sir mr he him or any of that anymore. But when I do it can be annoying. Depending on the context obviously. 

As for my name, my assigned name was Michael. And the obvious choice was to go with Michelle right? But for me my assigned name comes with baggage. My father was a loser drug addict pedophile. And I was a junior. And my mother has disowned me for transitioning. I wasn’t going to stay with that name. So for me Kirsten is just one of those names that has always been in my head as long as I can remeber. Plus it separates me just a little more from my past. And everyone says it really fits my personality too. So double win! 

Link to comment

To Robin-I always loved that name! Either spelling of it.

 

It's funny how just one subtly different vowel can carry so much context. And yet we can be so accepting of it. 

 

To Kirsten-It's a lovely name. From your little profile avatar on my tiny phone screen, I'd say you totally look like a Kirsten, if I may say so. 

 

From what you told me here and what I can recall from other replies on my threads, it sounds like you had some rough spats and struggles in your life, if I may be so bold. I can relate to wanting to evade the sadness of the past and changing my name with that. If I was born with a name I didn't love so much (Tony is like the coolest male name ever imo), I'd probably change it too. 

 

I hope you heal/are healed of the sorrows of your past, and are content and at peace in your life. ❤️

 

 

So anyway, you see where I'm coming from then on the pronouns? I'm just beginning this journey. I still present as male, and bc of this and where I live (male only sober house, for the time being  anyway), I'm a little slow or reserved in actively changing it. This is temporary thugh... for... convenience I guess? Don't really feel the need to stir the pot or agitate the all-male house I live in by alienating it's residents with my not-male gender atm. I'm accustomed to playing double agent.

 

But I intend to come out 'publicly' soon. I feel a want and need to validate my gender, not hide in "shame" of it or whatever (I say in quotes bc I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm pretty shameless anyway). 

Link to comment

To answer your question: My birth name was incredibly feminine, with no masculine variant that I'm aware of. Even growing up, I never liked it and always dreamed of changing it. Funny story, I ended up changing my name before I realized that I'm transmasc and chose a gender-neutral name for myself (it's a family name, the one my mom originally wanted to use for me before my dad picked the super femme one I ended up with). So when I decided to transition, I stuck with the name I picked. At this point, my birth name doesn't even register as something related to me at all. It's interesting how people have such varied feelings and experiences with names!  

Link to comment

Thanks Toni. I am as healed as I will ever be. I grew up in a bad situation. Took a lot of flack and abuse for being trans since I was little. But there’s no love loss for me with my family. I did my due diligence to be accepted by those people. My dad is gone and my mom is a loser. My step dad is useless at this point as well. So I’m over them. 

Pronouns will start to take care of themselves to some extent. As you start to look different you’ll hear more of the she/her stuff. For me the he/him didn’t bother me until it was all she/her. When everyone calls you she for months and then you hear he it’s a little crappy. But usually it’s accidental and no big deal anyways. 

As for coming out publicly, be sure you’re ready. Half of me wishes I waited. The other half says screw that. Lol. I came out and started living fully as female about 3 months into hrt. But for me I was closeted for 30+ years and fully aware. I had enough by then. And it really helped my mental state. So I’m happy I did things my way. If I hadnt I’d probably be divorced right now and maybe dead. It was what was right for me. And that right there is the important thing. What is right for you. But I will say had I waited for a while like most do, the social awkwardness would have been less. And it would have made things easier socially. Both on me and my people.

So just be sure. It can be tough. When that nobody calls you out and shames you for being trans, it’s no fun. Only happened a couple times for me. But those moments suck mostly because you’re never expecting it. It’s hard to always be prepared. Especially when you’re just doing your own thing. 

Link to comment

My legal name has a unisex nickname that's attached to it, which I went by when I first came out. However, it was only a "safe name" so when I became more stable in my identity, I changed it to Aiden. I still have a little bit of a connection to my dead-nickname, only because of the memories tied with it. Anytime someone refers to me by it, it feels like they're talking about someone else, yet I respond to it. It's a weird feeling to describe, but it's like if i was an actor and my dead-nickname was the name of the character I was playing. It's not my actual name, but I still respond to it because it's my character. Idk that's the best way I know how to describe it. 

 

 

Link to comment

To ChickenLittle-It is so interesting! That's why I made this thread. I crave these stories. Is that bad? 

 

I can't imagine wanting to change my name when I was young or ever (well, unless you consider changing from Tony to Toni a drastic enough change). I always wondered what that was like. 

 

To Kirsten-I'm glad to here. Sometimes just being ok is just great, if that riddle makes any sense. It's good when you can come to terms with the past. The memory remains but the pain is passed. 

 

I'm pretty fortunate, most of my family is estranged are jerks and I'm over them. The only family I have is my ma, and I know she'll never abandon me, I just hope she isn't too disappointed. All my friends are awesome! They're all artist, punk rock, liberal or anarchist, queer and queer supportive. I came out to them and they all been very supportive, nothing about our friendship has changed. 

 

To killjoyaiden-Yeah I hear ya. I also identify as Two Spirit. I still feel like my masc side is within, it's just taken a back seat and let Toni come out and do her thing. It's kinda like Tony still there playing double agent. 

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
On 3/28/2019 at 3:37 PM, ToniTone said:

To ChickenLittle-It is so interesting! That's why I made this thread. I crave these stories. Is that bad? 

 

I can't imagine wanting to change my name when I was young or ever (well, unless you consider changing from Tony to Toni a drastic enough change). I always wondered what that was like. 

 

To Kirsten-I'm glad to here. Sometimes just being ok is just great, if that riddle makes any sense. It's good when you can come to terms with the past. The memory remains but the pain is passed. 

 

I'm pretty fortunate, most of my family is estranged are jerks and I'm over them. The only family I have is my ma, and I know she'll never abandon me, I just hope she isn't too disappointed. All my friends are awesome! They're all artist, punk rock, liberal or anarchist, queer and queer supportive. I came out to them and they all been very supportive, nothing about our friendship has changed. 

 

To killjoyaiden-Yeah I hear ya. I also identify as Two Spirit. I still feel like my masc side is within, it's just taken a back seat and let Toni come out and do her thing. It's kinda like Tony still there playing double agent. 

 

No way, I think sharing stories and talking about the diversity of our experiences is a great thing! Also, it sounds like we run in similar circles-- back when I lived in Kansas, I spent a lot of time with the punk/artist/anarchist communities there. :D 

Link to comment
  • 5 months later...

I was blessed with a name that was gender fluid and could go either way. I'm adopted and my name is legally Moi Han. Han being my old last name before my wonderful adoptive parents added their last name to it. When I started to transition I decided to combine both my names in to one, and spell it differently. Moi Han became Mahaney. I've been waivering on this name and go by it and Moira 50/50

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 131 Guests (See full list)

    • Ivy
    • KathyLauren
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Jamey-Heather
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...