Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

ToniTone

Name & pronoun "issues"

Recommended Posts

ToniTone

I titled this thread name & pronoun "issues" with quotes, bc I don't really have an issue with my name(s?) or pronouns. More of a curiosity as I adjust to them. And I want to have a dialogue of intrigue on this matter. 

 

I identify as transfeminine and two spirit. I've always loved my (birth/'undead') name Tony. Despite finally coming out as trans, I still have some attachment to Tony with a 'y'. 32 years is a long time to live with a name. I feel it not entirely a deadname to me, perhaps it lives on in the diminished/ghosted masc part of my duality. Do any of you have an attachment, or perhaps even a "vestigial use" of sorts, to your deadname? 

 

I love how the feminine variation of Tony is Toni. And I love the name Toni. It's me! It's like "I'm still Tony, but now I'm Toni" you know!? I dotted the 'i' with a little heart the other day, and it was such a simple joy to do this. My friends spell my name as Toni now and it feels so validating (flattering even). It seems so right. 

 

Although my given name is Toni (nee Tony), my "full deadname" would be Anthony. The feminine variation of that would be Antonia ("priceless", "praiseworthy" (I dunno about that one), and "beautiful") or Antionette. I find it fascinating how often these names appear in royal lineages. I'm a bit of a narcissist, so my passion for my name ties into this. But anyway... 

 

Do any of you have a deadname that had a convenient and acceptable variant that matched you and your true gender? And did you have a relatable experience or interesting realization? 

 

And I just have to bide my curiosity; for those of you who didn't have a convenient/acceptable variation of your deadname, how did you go about discovering your identifying name? Did you have to improvise it? Did you have or find a connection to it? What was YOUR experience like? 

-----------------

As for my pronouns, (for now anyway) I'm pretty open about them. I'm more feminine than anything, but I still present as masculine, so for now people who don't know I'm trans (only out to friends irl for now, close to coming out to friends and public) refer to me in masculine pronouns, and I'm ok and used to that. Some people (like my pa) might feel uncomfortable, alienated, confused or whatever about me being trans, I think I'm ok with letting the elder generations of (pa and grands) refer to me as male. I don't think I'll be able to culture their "traditional values". Is this ingenuine, or is it justified? 

 

I'm open to non-binary terms too. I don't see myself as entirely female, at all male, maybe it's neither. Is they/them a safe go-to when one is unsure of someone else's pronouns?

 

Really I'm pretty punk rock and unphased by/apathetic of what people think of, feel about, or call me. They can call me mud, they can call me scum, or some other four letter word, for all I care... 

 

I'm definitely more feminine than not. I came out to most of the people I know, all my open minded friends. They have been very warm and supportive of me in this. They're almost exclusively queer and queer supportive. I didn't even have to explain myself or my pronouns to them...

 

Inexplicably, they just knew right away to refer to me in the feminine! I must admit it's very foreign and new to me to be acknowledged and referred to as fem. Sometimes I double take. But it feels right. It's so wonderful that my friends validate me. It feels lovely to be referred to as what you are after assuming a facade your whole life. 

 

Did any of you experience this adjustment to new pronouns early on in your transition? Or feel that same gratification from finally being validated for what you are? 

 

I'm eager to hear y'all's experiences and have a dialogue about this! 

What's in a name..? 

 

Love ❤️

~Toni

Share this post


Link to post
Robin

Hi Toni,

 

I have been fortunate, as the name that my parents gave me is considered appropriate for either gender. 

 

It is interesting to note that for feminine applications, Robin is sometimes replaced with Robyn, which is the opposite of the convention with your name.  This is not always the case though, and for me, it is not worth the hassle of changing it.

 

Robin.

Share this post


Link to post
Kirsten

Hmm. We’ll pronouns and names are a big validating factor of transition for sure. Hearing that approval from others really changes my mindset a lot.

But it comes with a side effect which is the annoyance that comes with being misgendered. I was an “I don’t care about pronouns and dead names” girl when I started. But at this point it’s been over half a year since I started using my name, and short of a telemarketer call, one ass at work, and a random oops, I don’t hear my dead name or a sir mr he him or any of that anymore. But when I do it can be annoying. Depending on the context obviously. 

As for my name, my assigned name was Michael. And the obvious choice was to go with Michelle right? But for me my assigned name comes with baggage. My father was a loser drug addict pedophile. And I was a junior. And my mother has disowned me for transitioning. I wasn’t going to stay with that name. So for me Kirsten is just one of those names that has always been in my head as long as I can remeber. Plus it separates me just a little more from my past. And everyone says it really fits my personality too. So double win! 

Share this post


Link to post
ToniTone

To Robin-I always loved that name! Either spelling of it.

 

It's funny how just one subtly different vowel can carry so much context. And yet we can be so accepting of it. 

 

To Kirsten-It's a lovely name. From your little profile avatar on my tiny phone screen, I'd say you totally look like a Kirsten, if I may say so. 

 

From what you told me here and what I can recall from other replies on my threads, it sounds like you had some rough spats and struggles in your life, if I may be so bold. I can relate to wanting to evade the sadness of the past and changing my name with that. If I was born with a name I didn't love so much (Tony is like the coolest male name ever imo), I'd probably change it too. 

 

I hope you heal/are healed of the sorrows of your past, and are content and at peace in your life. ❤️

 

 

So anyway, you see where I'm coming from then on the pronouns? I'm just beginning this journey. I still present as male, and bc of this and where I live (male only sober house, for the time being  anyway), I'm a little slow or reserved in actively changing it. This is temporary thugh... for... convenience I guess? Don't really feel the need to stir the pot or agitate the all-male house I live in by alienating it's residents with my not-male gender atm. I'm accustomed to playing double agent.

 

But I intend to come out 'publicly' soon. I feel a want and need to validate my gender, not hide in "shame" of it or whatever (I say in quotes bc I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm pretty shameless anyway). 

Share this post


Link to post
ChickenLittle

To answer your question: My birth name was incredibly feminine, with no masculine variant that I'm aware of. Even growing up, I never liked it and always dreamed of changing it. Funny story, I ended up changing my name before I realized that I'm transmasc and chose a gender-neutral name for myself (it's a family name, the one my mom originally wanted to use for me before my dad picked the super femme one I ended up with). So when I decided to transition, I stuck with the name I picked. At this point, my birth name doesn't even register as something related to me at all. It's interesting how people have such varied feelings and experiences with names!  

Share this post


Link to post
Kirsten

Thanks Toni. I am as healed as I will ever be. I grew up in a bad situation. Took a lot of flack and abuse for being trans since I was little. But there’s no love loss for me with my family. I did my due diligence to be accepted by those people. My dad is gone and my mom is a loser. My step dad is useless at this point as well. So I’m over them. 

Pronouns will start to take care of themselves to some extent. As you start to look different you’ll hear more of the she/her stuff. For me the he/him didn’t bother me until it was all she/her. When everyone calls you she for months and then you hear he it’s a little crappy. But usually it’s accidental and no big deal anyways. 

As for coming out publicly, be sure you’re ready. Half of me wishes I waited. The other half says screw that. Lol. I came out and started living fully as female about 3 months into hrt. But for me I was closeted for 30+ years and fully aware. I had enough by then. And it really helped my mental state. So I’m happy I did things my way. If I hadnt I’d probably be divorced right now and maybe dead. It was what was right for me. And that right there is the important thing. What is right for you. But I will say had I waited for a while like most do, the social awkwardness would have been less. And it would have made things easier socially. Both on me and my people.

So just be sure. It can be tough. When that nobody calls you out and shames you for being trans, it’s no fun. Only happened a couple times for me. But those moments suck mostly because you’re never expecting it. It’s hard to always be prepared. Especially when you’re just doing your own thing. 

Share this post


Link to post
killjoyaiden

My legal name has a unisex nickname that's attached to it, which I went by when I first came out. However, it was only a "safe name" so when I became more stable in my identity, I changed it to Aiden. I still have a little bit of a connection to my dead-nickname, only because of the memories tied with it. Anytime someone refers to me by it, it feels like they're talking about someone else, yet I respond to it. It's a weird feeling to describe, but it's like if i was an actor and my dead-nickname was the name of the character I was playing. It's not my actual name, but I still respond to it because it's my character. Idk that's the best way I know how to describe it. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
ToniTone

To ChickenLittle-It is so interesting! That's why I made this thread. I crave these stories. Is that bad? 

 

I can't imagine wanting to change my name when I was young or ever (well, unless you consider changing from Tony to Toni a drastic enough change). I always wondered what that was like. 

 

To Kirsten-I'm glad to here. Sometimes just being ok is just great, if that riddle makes any sense. It's good when you can come to terms with the past. The memory remains but the pain is passed. 

 

I'm pretty fortunate, most of my family is estranged are jerks and I'm over them. The only family I have is my ma, and I know she'll never abandon me, I just hope she isn't too disappointed. All my friends are awesome! They're all artist, punk rock, liberal or anarchist, queer and queer supportive. I came out to them and they all been very supportive, nothing about our friendship has changed. 

 

To killjoyaiden-Yeah I hear ya. I also identify as Two Spirit. I still feel like my masc side is within, it's just taken a back seat and let Toni come out and do her thing. It's kinda like Tony still there playing double agent. 

Share this post


Link to post
ChickenLittle
On 3/28/2019 at 3:37 PM, ToniTone said:

To ChickenLittle-It is so interesting! That's why I made this thread. I crave these stories. Is that bad? 

 

I can't imagine wanting to change my name when I was young or ever (well, unless you consider changing from Tony to Toni a drastic enough change). I always wondered what that was like. 

 

To Kirsten-I'm glad to here. Sometimes just being ok is just great, if that riddle makes any sense. It's good when you can come to terms with the past. The memory remains but the pain is passed. 

 

I'm pretty fortunate, most of my family is estranged are jerks and I'm over them. The only family I have is my ma, and I know she'll never abandon me, I just hope she isn't too disappointed. All my friends are awesome! They're all artist, punk rock, liberal or anarchist, queer and queer supportive. I came out to them and they all been very supportive, nothing about our friendship has changed. 

 

To killjoyaiden-Yeah I hear ya. I also identify as Two Spirit. I still feel like my masc side is within, it's just taken a back seat and let Toni come out and do her thing. It's kinda like Tony still there playing double agent. 

 

No way, I think sharing stories and talking about the diversity of our experiences is a great thing! Also, it sounds like we run in similar circles-- back when I lived in Kansas, I spent a lot of time with the punk/artist/anarchist communities there. :D 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 88 Guests (See full list)

    • Tessa
    • Dana Michelle
    • Dev
    • MaryEllen
    • SaraAW
    • Debra Michelle
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      68,856
    • Total Posts
      621,671
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,595
    • Most Online
      8,356

    jessica123
    Newest Member
    jessica123
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Jamied
      Jamied
      (55 years old)
    2. Mantori
      Mantori
  • Posts

    • Tessa
      Love Form   Love in it truest form Is kind and sweet It is so incredibly warm Its like a candy you can eat   It doesn’t boast  It wants to only be with you Its real and not a ghost If only people knew    The touch of true love Will always heal It won’t push and shove  It will cause you to feel   It doesn’t look at financial gain It love the rich and poor  It’s like a gentle rain  That falls and then begins to pour    True love is empty of pride  It lives in sickness or health  It doesn’t run and hide it doesn’t care about wealth    It looks inside your heart  Not the shell you are in  It loves your most vital part  It praises you when you win   It breaks through your insecurities It enriches your inner soul It brings you new opportunities It chooses to make you whole   It will never leave you empty  You will always want more  It will always have plenty  True love is knocking at your door   True love is free Anyone can give it out True love is in you and me  True love we can’t live without    It searches to and fro Looking for a heart to consume  Its a friend not foe  Its always has room    If you’ve been touched by its power Then you are under its spell This is the hour  To break out and yell   True love is coming for you Just you wait and see It will guide you through  It will lead you to your destiny    by Tessa      
    • DeeDee
      😂🤣 I used an online translator maid. Love it!  I spent the first couple of minutes doing that too, and while I think she exaggerates her walk to the more common 'casual' shoulder bounce when she walks past the guys in the street funnily enough I couldn't find any. I think they did a good job at pointing out the possible reactions and definitely the fear of rejection being coated in fake niceness.    Jani she has indeed been born, despite everything else so in a way it does have a happy ending. It is a part of history, the United Kingdom was united by the ruling classes so England did not have to worry about fighting a war on multiple fronts, outlawing the language happened after the Jacobite uprising, it stopped the peasants plotting and revolting, if it wasn't for the outlying islands the language would have been totally exterminated. There has been a concerted effort to bring it back which has had some success.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Yes its the same in anything.  people fear what they dont understand.  However it would generally be  straight men making all there same old record type put downs. However if they actually look deeper To be a Transsexual or gay actually gives them a clearer path to achieving there utopia. So in reality coming out the closet should be praised if they had a think as its just one less obsticle for them to concern themselves over.   Is it a threat to there manhood? No its just one more step up there ladder   Until they relise this then things will never change.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      As Far as Transexuality goes there have already been many studys on the brain diffrences.   Its been proved that brains reflet more to the gender they feel more phychlogical attached to   The human brain is a very complex but men have roughly 6.5 times More grey matter than woman. Woman 10 times more white matter than men. In the brain of the Transsexual the White matter reflets the white of born female. Its already been done. even pre hormones.  To the point where they took the brains of the deceased and examined them transsexuals and non Transsexuals repspectivly and results showed this also.   Well good luck to him if he finds something new.   However I would be cautious of a cure so to speak. If there is such a thing.  The only cure i know is what is avaliable now. Which isnt a cure but controls the symptoms. (Thats my take on it)   To put that in perspective. I do not feel the symptoms now. However tommrow if i decided to go back to trying  to live as a man I could be damm sure within a week all my symptoms of gender dysphoria  would be back.     I think and there are 2 sides to every story. He is trying to find proof that it is not just male and female brains but more diffrences than have already been established.        
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Thank you Ladies for your clarification.   Still all the same. Its nice to be able  to have the document to hand with correct details on it.   Im not sure again if its the same over there. But by Default the actual Certificate is not your property but property of the state. Therefore the powers that be have to authorise changes to it. hense the call for reforms to the law regarding gender recognition.   Which as a whole is still very good but needs some tweaking. Its very much misrepresented in what you can and cannot do without holding a gender reconition certificate.   To be honest. a scrap of paper that the goverment has soul ownership of has no bearing on my life because it no longer needs to be produced for really any purpose. I do need any goverment to instuct me on how i feel or live. But is the principal of the thing. I would change mine if it made any diffrence to me. But in reality it doesnt. But I never say never   So I hope that they archieve there goals in this matter.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Chan urrainn dhomh mo cheann fhaighinn timcheall air garlic.   But it was a lovely film and had me going right up till the end.  Is it really bad that i was trying to pick out a single feature to identify her as trans?   But i got it in the end. It was a abstact perception.   lovely post Dee. Great film showing the diffrent reactions to a transition.  It was a nice dress to.     Ill say this very small . I had to google translate to put galic in my post. I cant speak a work of it  Butt shhh dont tell anyone    
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Hey Charlize You may be 71 but have the soul of someone half that age. As you managed to tame that beast.   Get those goggles on and keep on riding sweets 😎
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Hi Ricki. Thank you for you opinion.   I would be very happy to be enlightened in how you formed this opnion and where the conclusion for it manifested themselves from   I am not lacking Terminology. I would be more inclined to believe as i stated.     Just a walk or a voice can be part of this constuction. Subcoinsouly we make up our minds who is male and who is female before we ever get to asking pronouns or indeed even talking to them. Preemptive if you like.     I am talking about society in general and not  minority groups. If those you mentioned were accepted broadly then there would not be the need for parts of this forum and there would not be storys of people who believe this is there gender or sexuality being ridiculed or put down for it as it would just be as normal as male and female are and have been seen since we came out of the caves. At least in western culture anyway. ( I am also talking outside the confines of the internet)   I am all for people being what they want to be in there minds. But the trick is to proactivly be accepted by all. Which as i said may happen in the next Fifty years. But at this time i feel is not and will not be while the stigma remains attached to it in the view of it not being part of the social constuct. I do hope there will be scenitific evidence that there being neither gender is part of biology and is a proven fact.   As i have concluded anyone can say they are or can be whatever they want. Me for instance could expect Lady before my name as under  scottish law this would be my bistowed title as i own  land  therefore have a title. But I dont expect or demand anyone to call me by my title and i do not expect people to know it on there first glimpse of me. I do not announce it.  Hense if someone wants to correct me on pronouns then fine. As I said Im not judge or jury. I can only go by what sceince teaches us.  Transexuality is a proven medical and biological condition. Unlike Enby's and Ace's which is at this time to my knowledge not. I have spent many years working towald being called by a female pronoun. To fit into the socail constuction of what it is to be female.   If im wrong then as i have said in many posts on many occasions. Show me my error and i will accept with open arms. (Well being honest i already do) on the basis people are entitled to live and be who they want. My condition gives me a very open mind to others. But facts convince me completly. But it is not me that needs convincing. Its the human race.     Thanks Tracy. It was just a typo and  it was never my intention to sound like i know your mind. 😊         I would definatly try to get him to say "GORDONS ALIVE" and perhaps tell the gorilla story to 🤣   However i will say this if you came to my shop then on the basis of your picture It would be Ma'am or Miss. You may call yourself Androygne but I would aire on the side of female pronouns on your presentation.  Then see if you corrected me. Which i wouldnt expect as you present as you do.   just a point to note. british  driving licences. If its a male one in general it will never have a title where a Female driving licence will have a title Such as Miss or Mrs. As womens titles change were mens do not regardless of there status. This also includes the numbers on it. Well in female and male driving licences but thats an obvious one. Mine now has Miss were my old one had no title. Just straaight into a name. Some people say its sexist. I  was actually was quite euphoric about having a title 😉 and the female id number.  A bit of a milestone so to speak    
    • tracy_j
      Looking good Charlize! You are reminding me of an old life from some time back   Tracy
    • EvanC
      Oh, you have an beemer, and it's just about as old as me. Looking great!   I haven't been on a bike in over 20 years, but I still miss it sometimes. I guess it's not too late to think about getting on one again someday.
    • Jani
      Yes it is a bit sad but then, maybe not as she has awakened from here past.     I must admit I have never heard Gaelic spoken conversationally so this was an interesting experience.   I can never understand the arrogance of those who would make speaking in one's native tongue illegal.  
    • Jani
      I know we do have other college folks here, but due to schedules and the issue of dorm room privacy (for those not out publicly) they may not check the site often.    I think connecting with the GSA was a good choice.    Cheers, Jani
    • Jani
      Looking good Charlize!  Be safe when you're out there.     Hugs, Jani
    • VickySGV
      Looking good there.  I have never had the courage to ride one of those.  I used to be fine with the pedal type of bicycle, but the engine driven ones were too scary.
    • Charlize
      I took the old gal out for a lovely ride today.  She started with the first kick.  Awesome for a 52 year old bike ridden by a 71 year old woman.  Such fun
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...