Identity

[Janae]

So, I am wondering what is happening to me.  I have been dressing for the past 50 years on and off.  Lately my urge to dress has turned to daily, and is so strong I can’t wait to get home to change and put on my underwear.  During the day, my thoughts often turn to a missing piece of clothing and I am longing to put on a bra -  there are times when my breasts are even tingling.   I am consumed in my thoughts of being Janae 24/7.  I am not very pretty, but I do like what I see when I look in the mirror from the neck down.   You are all so pretty, and I wish I could look that good!

I no longer feel ashamed when I dress, and have thoughts of wearing a dress and maybe venturing out of the house, although I don’t think my wife would approve.  (My wife and I have shopped together for lingerie for me, but I am scared to go any further - or push my luck.) I did come out a couple of weeks ago to her that I did want to be wearing a bra full time in the house, and she expressed concern about just how far I was planning to go with “this”.  To be honest, I think the fact that I have come (at least partially) out has created (helped?) me to want to further explore my feminine self.  The truth is, I have never felt happier - or - loving of how I feel about myself as when I am Janae.

I am trying to understand what I should do next - stay (although I don’t think I can) the course, or move forward with my desires.

 

Luv Janae

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Janae said:

I am trying to understand what I should do next -

 

Your next really valuable step is to find a Behavioral Health therapist who deals with Gender Therapy and gender issues.  The same therapist will also be competent to deal with marital issues that could be arising.  I am assuming from what you wrote that you may be in your late 50's or early 60's and it is an old story here that in that age range GD can come on like a run-away train.  The therapist will assure you that your feelings are real, and there is no cause for shame, but you will need help making some changes.

[Jani]

What Vicky wrote, YES!  Find a counselor to speak with.  Tread carefully around your spouse.  You don't want to scare her.  Keep the line of communication open.  All my best.

 

Jani 

[Janae]

Thank you ladies. Searching around the area where I live, it does not look like there may be a counselor that specializes in this area.  I would need to drive 4 hours.  I do seem to have a lot of anxiety during the day, but that disappears when I get home and dressed.  It sounds as if this is common to happen - as Vicki said - to hit like a runaway train for people older in life?

[VickySGV]

16 minutes ago, Janae said:

 I would need to drive 4 hours.  

 

On our main page we have a list of Gender Therapists, many of whom will do counseling via Skype or a similar video conferencing set up.  Also, even the most specialized Gender Therapists started out with a single patient, and both worked into understanding of the subject.  Mostly very happily.

[Janae]

This Forum is very helpful in providing understanding and reassurance that one is not alone.  I have learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks.  Just being able to talk about what is going on with me is helping immensely.  I think the fact of not living a secret life anymore is a huge burden lifted!  

The first really big step for me is to finally realize that there is nothing wrong with me, and to be able to admit I am transgender.  

My wife (of 35+ years) and I recently returned from vacation. Sometimes I don’t think we give enough credit to those around us that they actually know us as well as we think they do. I was able to finally get some time and talk to her. 

When I really started digging deep and putting the pieces together, then clarity starts to descend.  There was a lot of my early life that I shared with my wife,  I started painting my nails at around 4 or 5,.   I tended to play with the girls, and my best childhood friend and I would dance around as ballerinas.  By middle school I was wearing feminine napkins and panties, and then by high school I had added a bra. And as so many others have shared, I would have these things and then throw them away, only to re-squire them later. I didn’t at the time understand why I was doing this. 

Over the years, my wife has from time to time said things (as a result of something I had done) “you should have been born a woman”. At first I was taking that as an insult, but looking back she was only pointing out my feminine behavior. 

So, we are discussing all of this, and my desires to go beyond the bedroom with how I present myself.  So my wife asked me if I wanted to be a woman. In my mind the answer is absolutely yes, but I didn’t say that. I can’t exactly recall what I said, and the way I said it, but that was when she told me I need to stop the lies and be true to myself. Very good advice! 

So right now I am not going to physically transition- that would be complicated, but in “getting to know” some of the other members here - it looks like it is Ok to not physically transform to a woman. It looks like I can still be Janae without the permanent  physical transition. The big thing is how to handle the GD - and now I get why there can be a need to visit with a gender counselor. (Heck - I have only been to a regular doctor a handful of times let alone a shrink!)

Sorry for all the rambling on, but a big step for me to realize and admit I am transgender - and know that those around me have known (or at least suspected) - and are accepting and still love me.

Thanks for letting me share. This helps!  It is so helpful to have such a great support group.

[michelle_kitten]

Janae,

 

I recently had my first experience with a gender therapist.  It was very relieving to just throw up on someone about how I feel without judgement.  The gender therapist I am seeing has helped a lot of folks with the same issues.  There is no surprise, shock, nor judgement.  It was a great experience.  You'll do fine in gender therapy.  You're already beginning to get in touch with how you feel.

[Charlize]

  I remember the conversation i had with my wife before i went full time.  It was full of tears, hugs and a great deal of doubt as to the future.  When she suggested therapy i was actually happy.  I had held in my feeling  and hidden for all of my life.  Simply being able to share was liberating,

  We all have our own paths.  Some may decide to continue to keep their gender issues close while some choose to express their reality to society.  Regardless of path, self acceptance and a movement away from dishonesty and guilt is liberating.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

  

[Janae]

Michelle. /. Charlize

 

Thank you.  I have never felt so good since being able to talk about my thoughts and feelings. You are very brave and perhaps one day I will get there in my journey.

Knowing what I know now, if I had the chance to rewind back to when I was 26, I would have physically transitioned then. That was the year I made a big change in my career path (went back to college), and would have been an opportune time. 

 

I can’t thank you all enough for all your kindness and support!

 

Hugs 

 

Janae