Fluctuating Dysphoria

[Infatheline]

Hey everyone! Below is an excerpt from my diary that I wanted to share because I want to see if I can get help with how I'm feeling (I'm a potential MTF btw)

 

This morning I would have told you that I was feeling extreme doubt in myself. When I took a shower, as usual, I did not feel terrible when I looked at my body. When I got out of the shower and looked into the mirror, I saw my chest, and I desired that it was more muscular. The reason for this is unknown to me, all I do know is that it made me anxious. To think that I would look at my body and think, “It would be better if these muscles were bigger,” is to want to be more masculine right? My head was flooded, and I couldn't unclog it. The day was like this until our band concert. We had UIL today, and along with that came formal clothing. God, I -censored- hate formal clothing. When I had to put on the suit it was bad enough, but when I saw all the girls wearing dresses, my stomach hurt because I wanted to be them so bad. All day I had to avoid looking at them because it made me want to cry. The thought of not getting to have that body, or even wear that dress was a terrible one. I’m so confused. How could I want to have a more masculine chest and arms in the morning, but in the day I want to be a woman?? It makes no sense, and it’s why I’m so confused about this!

I did, however, get something from it. I always knew that people experience dysphoria differently, but I never knew what that was. I hear so many stories of people hating their reflection, hating their bodies, and not even being able to take a shower in the light because it hurts to see themselves so much. That’s… not me… When I’m in the shower, I don’t necessarily care about my body, even if I do want it to be female. When I look in the mirror, sure, sometimes all I can do is stare at it for tens of minutes at a time because my mind keeps barking at the reflection about how masculine it is. But other times I look in the mirror and think, “yup, that’s me,” and I go about my business. Hell, sometimes I even look into the mirror for a long time trying to make myself hate my body because I’m desperately searching for validation in myself, but I don’t hate my body. Sure, I don’t like it, but I don’t hate it. When I put on a bra, and I put a shirt over that bra, the feeling of having breasts gives me so much euphoria that I can hardly stand it, and I’m disappointed when I have to take it off. When I do take it off, it’s only because my parents are finally home, and I scoff at myself and the world, because hiding it away is like hiding myself away. But sometimes, a bra makes me feel weird. It’s like if I have it on for too long I get this feeling like it’s tiring to wear it. I don’t know if this is because just wearing a bra isn't enough for me, or if it’s because it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s like I get strained wearing it and other female clothing. I’ve noticed the dysphoria that I get is from mainly not seeing myself as a woman on the inside. Like when I look in the mirror, I see Matthew, but when i draw myself, it’s always as a woman. When I I am doing anatomy homework, literally, the tiniest amount of information separating the male from the female body makes me absolutely hate myself because the anatomy I have is not female. It’s like my identity is female, but I can’t bring myself to express that, and I don’t know if it’s because of fear of judgement from the world, or if it’s because I want to stay in the body I have. I feel like any transwoman would be ecstatic about developing breasts, but to be honest, the idea of it kind of scares me because it means I can never go back after that. Maybe it’s just fear, but maybe it’s my mind trying to tell me something. I don’t know man. All I know is that right now I hate myself because of dysphoria, and I say that probably fifty times a day for the same reason and I’m fed up with it.

[ToniTone]

Whoa! Alot of what you wrote hits home for me... Sounds like you might lean towards being gender fluid? I have a difficult time grasping the full concept of gender fluidity, and can't really say much on it. 

 

I feel ya on the fear of growing breast. I never was attracted to large breast, on other fems or visualizing myself with them. I like small chests. I'm transfeminine, and I think I would be content with a or even b cup. All the females I know in my (small) family are small, like a cup. Genetics could play a part in breast development. My doctor tells me they trend to not grow as big as cis female family members'. This is a case by case thing though, results vary. 

 

I'm kinda over my fear of possibly growing bigger than desirable breasts now. If it happens it happens. I'm human, even at my most beautiful I'll still be ugly so screw it. Who knows it might flatter me. All I know is that I need to do this to make me happy. 

 

Maybe find a professional you can talk to about this stuff. You need to find what you truly desire to pursue! 

 

L ❤️ V E &

P E A C E !

~Toni

[tapeleg42]

On 4/6/2019 at 12:24 PM, Infatheline said:

I always knew that people experience dysphoria differently, but I never knew what that was. I hear so many stories of people hating their reflection, hating their bodies, and not even being able to take a shower in the light because it hurts to see themselves so much. That’s… not me… When I’m in the shower, I don’t necessarily care about my body, even if I do want it to be female....Other times I look in the mirror and think, “yup, that’s me,” and I go about my business.

 

...I’ve noticed the dysphoria that I get is from mainly not seeing myself as a woman on the inside. Like when I look in the mirror, I see Matthew, but when i draw myself, it’s always as a woman....It’s like my identity is female, but I can’t bring myself to express that, and I don’t know if it’s because of fear of judgement from the world, or if it’s because I want to stay in the body I have.

  

I feel this so much.  For years I've wished that I could be female, but I've always chalked those thoughts up to being just another -excited- guy and then squashed them down to the back of my mind.  It's only within the last month that I realized what those thoughts mean, and fully admitted to myself that I might be trans.  I'd also say seek out professional help, because you don't want to be carrying around that anxiety in yourself for too long.

[Harrietta]

Hi Infatheline,

 

tapeleg42 seems right on the mark about personal discover and acceptance, at least I'm able to relate to them. For me, it's about fear of change, and the consequences such change might bring on my love life. I know I wish I were born a woman, and want to transition (since the option is available, and is my only real shot at experiencing life as one) but sometimes all that fantasizing tires me out, or I get tired of dealing with those issues come to thinking, and feeling that it would just be easier, and make more sense to remain male. 

 

I honestly believe that I was probably meant to be born a woman, and it was some outside influence such as stress, or diet which caused me to be born male instead of female. I hope you're able to discover your self, and find your way on this journey.

 

Harrietta