Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Recommended Posts

Jess241108

Okay, so this is my first time ever doing this...

 

I'm just in search of advice and answers to my millions of questions, scratch that, BILLIONS of questions that can't be answered by textbook definitions, and also friends..

 

I'm 20 years old and I realized lately that my childhood was not as common as I thought. A vey big part of growing up was surrounded by "phases", as my parents would call it, but I only realize now that I may just be different. I learnt that sexual orientation and identity is very different, things that in my home town we had no education what so ever on, and that completely changed my perspective of my own life. I've always struggled with depression and major anxiety, basically because I never liked my own body because I kept thinking I wasn't beautiful or too fat.. my body parts grossed me out and scared me as in a way someone with coulrophobia see's a clown and is scared -clean bathroom- (fun fact, I am terrified of clowns!).

 

Anyways back to the real story, recently I've been through alot of challenging times, a break up with my boyfriend (with whom I loved for 3 years) and I was forced to come out as transgender to my mother and she did not take it well, family is a very important key of my life, and someone might have ruined it for me cause he told her I was hiding something... did i mention by force !...I was not ready what so ever to tell her, heck im not even sure 100% if this is the trail I want to adventure in, but im like at a safe 99,8% sure this is what I need to be completely free and happy. I have a few friends that knows about me, but not much because from where I am from, people like me are judged and classified as inhuman... It breaks my heart to even think of jugement that could involve myself..

 

Anyways, thats a brief paragraphe of my wonderful life at the moment, and i guess am in search of some comfort and support.

Maybe even a few friends that know how I am feeling looking upon my situation.

 

So yah, thanks for listening ! XD

Share this post


Link to post
killjoyaiden

Welcome to the forums!! As I tell everyone who's new: here, we're a family. We have each other's backs and we're here for you, no matter what. We all understand what you're going through. So, you're not alone! Message me anytime!! My inbox is always open :)!

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

Share this post


Link to post
illisson

Hello, Jess!

 

Wow, your situation does not sound like an easy one. No one should be forced to come out before they're ready, period, but the fact that you were forced to come out to someone who wasn't guaranteed to be supportive makes the whole situation that much more painful. Ugh.

 

I'm glad you found these forums, and hope you're finding friends and support elsewhere, too. Three cheers for the internet and its awesome, friendly communities! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that your mom comes around, and that life generally starts treating you better.

Share this post


Link to post
Jess241108

Thank you so much Aiden !

Share this post


Link to post
Jess241108

Thank you so much illisson,

 

Any support I can find on these forums is very important for me, to realize there is more than what I am living now, someday I could see myself as truly who I am and have other people searching for friends and supporters just like me.

 

Your toughs will be recognized and yes hopefully life will be a bit better from this point on. My mother and I used to have a very strong relationship and I feel devastated that all of that could be gone because of my secret coming out to her.

Share this post


Link to post
illisson

It really does help to see and talk with other people who are further along the path than we are! Hopefully you'll end up being a source of information and inspiration for others, the way the regular posters on here are for us newcomers now. There will certainly be a lot of trans folks after you whose relationships with their parents suffered after coming out. 

 

FYI, I had an appointment with my gender therapist today, and he suggested I check out the transgender forums on Reddit, to expand my trans social network. If you haven't gone over there yet, maybe you might do the same. The more support we can find (and offer), the better.

 

Keep us posted on your progress with your mom; we're all rooting for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Alex C

Hey Jess Be Proud and Stay Strong...Family is all I have too and My mom does not support my transition but still support me with love. I hope that if we both give our moms sometime and they see how much happier you and I seen to be that they will full support..stay in touch  Alexi

Share this post


Link to post
Jess241108
On 4/10/2019 at 8:48 PM, illisson said:

It really does help to see and talk with other people who are further along the path than we are! Hopefully you'll end up being a source of information and inspiration for others, the way the regular posters on here are for us newcomers now. There will certainly be a lot of trans folks after you whose relationships with their parents suffered after coming out. 

 

FYI, I had an appointment with my gender therapist today, and he suggested I check out the transgender forums on Reddit, to expand my trans social network. If you haven't gone over there yet, maybe you might do the same. The more support we can find (and offer), the better.

 

Keep us posted on your progress with your mom; we're all rooting for you.

Thank you so much ! I will certainly look on Reddit, and things with my mother didnt really change. Sadly, she told me she needed more space and time for her own mental health.. She blames me because she hasnt been sleeping nor eating. I find that puts more stress on my shoudlers, but hopefully, one day, she'll come through.

Share this post


Link to post
Jess241108
On 4/10/2019 at 9:08 PM, Alex C said:

Hey Jess Be Proud and Stay Strong...Family is all I have too and My mom does not support my transition but still support me with love. I hope that if we both give our moms sometime and they see how much happier you and I seen to be that they will full support..stay in touch  Alexi

Thank you Alex ! Im sorry to hear about your mother also, we can stay strong together and we will make it through. They will slowly understand like you said, how happier we are, and grow to accept it hopefully 

 

Share this post


Link to post
EliAtkins

Welcome Jess!

 

I feel like I had a lot of questions when I first joined this place like 2 months ago and while I still have questions, I've learned a lot as well.  Don't be afraid to ask your questions or to poke around other topics on this board (even if they're old as I've learned a ton that way).  I've also spent quite a few hours watching stuff on youtube.  There's quite a few FtMs making videos with good information in them and it's much more relatable than just reading through textbook definitions.

Share this post


Link to post
Alex C

ty Jess..Go Raptors

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 90 Guests (See full list)

    • Jackie C.
    • Celine
    • Willa
    • Josie Beth
    • JustineM
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,038
    • Total Posts
      623,456
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,724
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JenJen
    Newest Member
    JenJen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Kendra Chelsea
      Kendra Chelsea
    2. Lou Lamoureux
      Lou Lamoureux
      (18 years old)
    3. Petra Jane
      Petra Jane
      (59 years old)
  • Posts

    • Josie Beth
    • TammyAnne
      Made it back to the Ozarks finally! At my closest point to you I spent 2 hours stuck on the freeway in a traffic jam crossing the Hudson River. It was a long day! I got back to find my HVAC system not working, so I have to scramble before the cold weather sets in. Then get my studio set up and start work. Along the way, I'm trying to relearn to play the guitar. Meetings with doctors this week to see what my metabolism is up to, plus the oncologist to provide follow up support from my cancer surgery. Lots of things to do! Hugs and smiles to you all!
    • TammyAnne
      Thank you Sabine for expressing that so well. It has been a struggle to find myself, so it's very nice to know I'm not alone in my experience.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Once upon a time. In a land far far away. I was an die hard home mechanic. I have vivid memorys of changing a clutch on a Vauxhall cavalier in the snow. Thats how dedicated i was. Taking an engine from an old ford, stripping it down to components and then putting it all back together again did not even phase me. Also saved me fortunes in Garage bills. Even before that I was a Motorbike fanatic and still hold a full bike licence. But havent been on one for about Twenty Five years. I wouldnt like to recall the amount of wrecked bikes i got my hands on and rebuilt from the wheels up.   As its been said. There is female mechanics. But honestly i have no interest in working on cars or indeed bikes anymore.   I still have a very keen interest in classic cars. When i say classic I mean Anything pre 1985.   But as far as working on them goes. I am physically not strong enough or have the tenacity to even want to do it anymore.   The Hormones took my strength, and wow did it take my physical grunt, and the wanting to do this anymore.  I can still impress my partner by seeing something on the road classic and being able to name it on site. But im just not intersted in what makes it tick. It also doesnt make it better that i was doing this in my prime and now i have waved that goodbye.   However. Now I enjoy fashion,  clothes and yes shoes to. Which is a bonus as i work in retail.  I wouldnt say its a hobbie as such but  really enjoy it.   In a way the hormones do alter your personality in that sense  in my opnion,. Well it did for me. I still have a wealth of male only knowledge so to speak. but the implimentation just isnt fourthcoming anymore.    With DIY I can still do things but as long as they not to physical. Such as hang wallpaper etc. I was also good at that. In fact i was good with my hands period and would be happy to attempt most things   In a way having that knowledge is a good thing. as if i have to take my car to the garage i play dumb but actually will know if they are trying to get one over on me.   I do not feel sad that it changed my outlook from what i knew. If anything its giving me the knowledge from another life as i see it. Practical knowledge is never a bad thing.            
    • Maid In Bedlam
      .Trans is by no means a modern thing. Not by a long chalk. Especially Hinduism.   To Name a few.   Shikhandi: This warrior in the Kurukshetra war in most tellings of the Mahabharata was female at birth but changed gender later in life. Born Shikhandini, the girl in one version of the story was raised as a male by King Drupada, the girl's father. The king even had her married to the princess of Dasharna. Upon complaints from the new bride, Shikhandini fled into the forest and met a Yaksha and exchanged genders. Now taking the name Shikhandi, he remained a man until his death at the battle of Mahabharat.   Shiva and Parvati: The supreme god of Shaivism, Shiva has often been held as the ultimate embodiment of masculinity, but as far back as the Kushan era, there have also been depictions of Shiva in  an androgynous composite of Shiva and his wife, Parvoti. The form originated when Parvoti, desiring to share Shiva’s experiences, asked for their forms to literally be joined. “What is being said is that if the inner masculine and feminine meet, you are in a perpetual state of ecstasy,” explains Hindu scholar Sadhguru. Most often, the Ardhanarishvara is depicted with the female form of Parvoti on the left and the masculine attributes of Shiva on the right   Bahuchara Mata: Bahuchara Mata was traveling with her sisters and threatened by the marauder Bapiya. After she and her sisters self-immolated their own breasts, Bapiya was cursed with impotence until he began to dress an act as a Woman Today, the Hindu goddess is worshipped as the originator and patron of the hijras, trans and intersex Bangladeshis considered in the faith to be of a “third gender.”     Its actually awesome when you look these gods up. See what they got up to.     I just copied and pasted the meanings and there spellings online. Just google them. You will see for yourself.   Great Fun fact Josie    
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.whio.com/news/national/slain-transgender-kansas-city-woman-2nd-city-20st-across-2019/dvWQtrC6CEl9lAPly4ZD7H/   May Brianna rest in peace, and may justice be served on her killer.   Carolyn Marie
    • Josie Beth
    • Josie Beth
      In Arabic, Hijra means a pilgrimage, a journey.   Also, it’s the term used to describe transgender women in India. Perhaps it’s a loan word. Perhaps it’s not. But it’s fitting that the same idea is echoed today in the word transgender. The idea of crossing a boundary, making a journey. Being trans is a pilgrimage, it’s moving from one place to another. It used to be something seen as sacred by the ancient cultures of the world. In many ways it still is. Just my musings for today.
    • Josie Beth
      It’s sad because it’s someone who was a real person. Sure there was controversy about her and Dave chapelle but to his credit he bounced his jokes off of her before the controversy and she laughed at them the loudest so they pretty much blew it out of proportion. I think it says something about how Dave actually respected her input as a comedian. Maybe she was ostracized because she wasn’t playing into the politics? It certainly makes sense when her shows tended to be very small compared to other people. It goes to show how entertainment can literally be hard on the very people they claim to be supportive of. She was transgender but virtually blacklisted by the industry. Of course they didn’t openly boycott her shows but she didn’t have large audiences. There’s so many facets to people and making life an “either/or” political game is really damaging when everyone has faults or shortcomings. Comedy has suffered a lot because of political influence being so bloodthirsty lately, when it used to be all in good fun.    Virtue signaling is the term you are looking for, when someone says something to gain points for sounding correct. That’s the sadly artificial world we live in. It takes guts to stand out and be different. Which is why all this talk about being inclusive to diversity is intellectually dishonest when the political drive is to make everyone fit into the same thinking cap. That’s not how people work. That’s not how we have intellectual debate or actually work through conversation with ideas. That’s basically the same dirty word that the political end of entertainment says they are opposed to: fascism. Instead of allowing people to be different they are using a huge industry to dictate government and politics. Miriam websters definition is:    a centralized autocraticgovernment headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.    Only in this case the dictator is an ideal that is unrealistic. Just because it’s not declared officially doesn’t mean it’s not a driving force. Change comes from dialogue, not from any form of oppression. Maybe that’s a lesson here too. 
    • Jani
      Hello Kai and thanks for the update.  I understand its hard around the house but it will pass when you are able to set out on your own.  It will happen.  Hang tough.  Soon enough you'll be able to connect with a gender therapist and from there you will have someone to speak with who understands and can help you one on one.  Until then, keep posting and sharing your thoughts.  Please don't let the anxiety get to you.   Jani
    • Jani
      Along with any changes in hobbies, etc. due to emotional changes brought on by hormones, age will also temper our opinions on things.  We stop doing some activities and try new things just because we can.
    • CallMeKai
      I've come up on a year of going by he/him pronouns with my friend group at school. It doesn't seem like that long ago and its hard to think I have come this far already. I know a year is not that long but after questioning myself for over 2 1/2 years I feel like things are starting to make sense, I think. I feel ready to tell people, to come out and say I am still questioning but I would prefer to be called he/him. I want to try my name more and see if it is comfortable for me. I think I am getting a new job and they asked for my preferred name and gender. I wanted so badly to put down male, and my name that I'm trying but its so hard when my parents disagree with everything I do moving in that direction. I still live in the house with them and its so hard for me to do things when everything I try seems to make my mom upset. My mom basically breathed a sigh of relief when I said I wasn't going by a different name with my friends, this makes me upset because for some reason her feelings matter more to me then me being comfortable. I don't go by he/him in the house, even though my whole family knows about me question, because there is a fear that something will go wrong. That I am going to make people upset, I don't have many friends to begin with and I don't want to lose any people in my life. There is so much anxiety with coming out and I know that's part of transitioning but it feels like my social anxiety makes it all worse. I never correct people when they misgender me because I freeze up and continue on. I cant correct people to save my life and I don't pass enough to present as male, people will think of me weird and/or hate me before they know me. I know that's probably not true, but when you are so self critical of yourself you think everyone else in the world is the same to you.  I wanted to start gender therapy but the last time I asked my parents for that they got me a religious regular therapist who knows nothing about trans kids. I am scared to talk to them again and get a real gender therapist so I don't have to be so dam confused all the time. I don't have money to pay for one myself and my insurance doesn't cover it so I am stuck with my thoughts. I don't know, I guess I just needed to rant about my situation. It doesn't make things better but other people know. 
    • Jani
      Hello EZ and welcome aboard.   I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment.  So you're on T, to assist with some medical challenges you have.  No big deal.  I'm not sure why you need to tell your work mates about your medications.  I'm not sure your fellow firemen would care about any changes.  As to that you have hidden an aspect of your life, we all have pieces we keep private.     I don't know your levels (we don't allow that on this site) but if your concerned with the beard, etc, talk to your doctor to see if you can lower your dosage a bit.  Even as a test to determine how you feel.    I'm glad you found us and signed up. Cheers,  Jani
    • MaryMary
      I checked the news on that story and it's so sad what people say. All of this for a bad joke that I ear since I was 5. A suicide is incredibly sad but the fact that it's politiced and used is even more sad... I hate that everything transgender always somehow, someway end up on that stupid internet thing where people make points for fake outrage... oh wait!? ok I will shut up now
    • Josie Beth
      I just learned about it today because I’m subscribed to a friend of hers. It’s really hitting home because she was in my age group and also a late transitioner.   I wonder why. I know that might be impossible to figure out. Just knowing how she was as a person and how much she tried to make others laugh it is a shock. But many times we don’t know what is going on with people even if they seem happy.    I can speculate, maybe she was in a downward spiral because she was not really finding companionship. Maybe she was frustrated because she wanted to bring happiness and not many people appreciated it. There’s so many potential reasons that she touched on in a joking way. I guess the takeaway is just to not be afraid to show someone what’s really going on inside. But even then it may not be enough? It’s difficult to confront myself with the same questions. 
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...